ShannonBanana Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) My H told me about 8 weeks ago, just as I was in the throws of recovering from double jaw surgery that he wanted a divorce. The timing was awful. After he insisted that we would never have any hope to work on our relationship or a reconciliation, I asked him to move out and he finally did just two weeks ago. Truth - I wasn't happy in the marriage. I felt that we would work it out. He blames me entirely for the failing of our marriage and refuses to see how he contributed to it in any fashion. But I know that he grew up in a family where emotional abuse was considered a 'loving' way to behave (demeaning each other in front of other people, judging and criticising your loved ones, minimising their feelings, opinions and thoughts, etc). Not only did he bring all these behaviours to our marriage but he thinks that doing those same things are completely normal ways to interact in a loving marriage. He doesn't want to change those things about himself and ultimately this stubbornness has left me feeling drained. Nonetheless, I am incredibly sad about the end and I don't want it! I want to work on the marriage so we can *both* be fulfilled and happy. And of course I have told him this but his mind is made up. I guess I cling on to what 'could be' rather then what is. He also seems sad about the end even though this was his choice. A mutual friend says he is pining over me. But he has never said to me that he is having second thoughts. In fact, the things he says leads me to believe he wouldn't dream of having a second thought. I have instituted NC as of 4 days ago on the condition that we could talk if we were going to discuss rebuilding our marriage. But I have no reason to believe that would happen. I guess over all I am struggling to let go of the hope of reconciliation. I want my marriage to work. I love that man and miss him so much! I feel deep down, we will never reconcile but I am always looking for hope. Any thoughts on how to help someone with unwavering hope? Any words of comfort would be greatly appreciated too. Edited August 14, 2013 by ShannonBanana
RightThere Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 There is nothing wrong with hope. I'm holding onto it as well. But if you're going to hold onto hope like I do, there needs to be something else to go along with it. If you both commit to working on you marriage, then there is a reason to have hope. If one of you refuses to work on it, then holding onto hope is holding onto nothing.
Author ShannonBanana Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Hi Right There, I guess the hope lies in that he will have a change of heart.
GorillaTheater Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hope is fine, but hope is not a plan. The latter is what you need to be focusing on. 1
FutureLT Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Keep your hope, but don't let it stand between you and the next chapter in your life. Maybe the reconciliation with your husband is on the 10 year plan. Maybe you both need to experience some more life to see what you had. Worst case scenario is you don't end up back together, but in the process you gain a bunch of life experience, and probably meet someone new. You say you hold on to what "could be", well maybe that person you want your husband to be has a different face and a different name. 1
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