NC is hard - is there a chance she will return?

[btyoung21]

True. In a lot of cases, NC is being used solely to try to get the ex back. Believe me, it is not a magic tool to get an ex back. Much much more is involved with regards to reconciliation.

 

Personally, I am using NC to evolve myself and figure out the golden question; if I really love this girl and I am willing to adjust to her new career. Will I be more giving? Be more considerate for her? If yes; then it's all green light for me. But that takes some time, I can't rush to a decision that will potential make or break both our lives.

 

NC is a useful tool to prepare yourself whatever life throws at you in the coming months. NC strengthens you, the bonus effect is the time and space away from each other will help clear your heads.

Edited August 29, 2013 by btyoung21

[cnb]

Yeah I feel like I have been doing better then I was lets say 4-5 weeks ago...NC is helping me deal with ME...albeit though I do hope it helps her bring her back to the emotions she had...(and I say that here because its a way for me to vent the emotions I have so that I don't break NC, and I can get feedback from others who have gone or are going through the same)...

 

I have read NC is good for both getting over someone and giving them the ability to miss you and possibly come back...so again, I'm hopeful, and will be working on me - until the day she reaches out...and that to me is all I have and all I can do at the moment given my situation..

 

So yes...going NC has helped me deal with myself and my emotions...but I also hope it does have the impact on my lady to have her come back...miss me, and remember what we have and hope that she will return.

[btyoung21]

Yeah I feel like I have been doing better then I was lets say 4-5 weeks ago...NC is helping me deal with ME...albeit though I do hope it helps her bring her back to the emotions she had...(and I say that here because its a way for me to vent the emotions I have so that I don't break NC, and I can get feedback from others who have gone or are going through the same)...

 

I have read NC is good for both getting over someone and giving them the ability to miss you and possibly come back...so again, I'm hopeful, and will be working on me - until the day she reaches out...and that to me is all I have and all I can do at the moment given my situation..

 

So yes...going NC has helped me deal with myself and my emotions...but I also hope it does have the impact on my lady to have her come back...miss me, and remember what we have and hope that she will return.

 

I definitely agree, good for you man! We are on the same boat with regards to our NC experience. The only difference is; I'll be the one to reach out when I am ready. I don't like leaving to chance/fate certain things, I want to take charge where this ship sails. Whether I fail or succeed, at least I have myself to blame. What if's are the worst feeling in the world, especially with matters of the heart.

[cnb]

So, I caught wind that she might be acting this way because I am in-between jobs at the moment...she came into my life as a partner about a month prior to me getting terminated... I know this can be an issue in relationships...but my take on it is..I had just been terminated and been searching for a new job going on interviews and such.. (which I am still doing), It pisses me off to think that is the actual issue, because lets face it no one these days can say their jobs are secure...the economy is dictating that...but on the other side to this, why would a woman up and leave without standing behind her man and being a cheerleader and rooting him on when his chips are down?

 

I think of it like this, if she was with me and lost her job - I would be there for her to let her know ...don't worry, things will be ok - I wouldn't just turn my back on her...especially if it was so soon into our "dating"...

 

Which leaves me to think if I didn't get terminated she would still be by my side..but honestly at this point I'm trying not to think much anymore of it. If she can leave me when my chips are down, then she doesn't deserve me when my life changes for the better!!!!!

 

(at least I'm trying to mentally convince myself of this notion because maybe it will help be detach from my emotions from her more) Even though I still truly want her back...

 

Do you think "when I" get a new gig she will be back? could this be the real barrier to us? Could there still be a chance???

 

On one hand I want to stop torturing myself about this, but I cant seem to hide behind false emotions...I truly love her, guess time will only tell...so far I was told it could be a lost cause...but the way we are with each other its hard to believe that this would be the deal breaker for us...considering We are very tight in emotions with each other and we never really had any huge crazy arguments.

 

I do hate to be going through this...especially with her of all people...but I guess time will tell.!

[btyoung21]

So, I caught wind that she might be acting this way because I am in-between jobs at the moment...she came into my life as a partner about a month prior to me getting terminated... I know this can be an issue in relationships...but my take on it is..I had just been terminated and been searching for a new job going on interviews and such.. (which I am still doing), It pisses me off to think that is the actual issue, because lets face it no one these days can say their jobs are secure...the economy is dictating that...but on the other side to this, why would a woman up and leave without standing behind her man and being a cheerleader and rooting him on when his chips are down?

 

I think of it like this, if she was with me and lost her job - I would be there for her to let her know ...don't worry, things will be ok - I wouldn't just turn my back on her...especially if it was so soon into our "dating"...

 

Which leaves me to think if I didn't get terminated she would still be by my side..but honestly at this point I'm trying not to think much anymore of it. If she can leave me when my chips are down, then she doesn't deserve me when my life changes for the better!!!!!

 

(at least I'm trying to mentally convince myself of this notion because maybe it will help be detach from my emotions from her more) Even though I still truly want her back...

 

Do you think "when I" get a new gig she will be back? could this be the real barrier to us? Could there still be a chance???

 

On one hand I want to stop torturing myself about this, but I cant seem to hide behind false emotions...I truly love her, guess time will only tell...so far I was told it could be a lost cause...but the way we are with each other its hard to believe that this would be the deal breaker for us...considering We are very tight in emotions with each other and we never really had any huge crazy arguments.

 

I do hate to be going through this...especially with her of all people...but I guess time will tell.!

 

CNB,

 

To be honest with you, trying to overanalyze why she left you at this point (1.5 months) is a bit counter-productive. If you really want to move forward; sometimes you just have to leave the pieces and move on to your next plan of action.

 

Justifying in your head why she left you; for the lack of a stable job, won't really make the situation better. Or make you feel better, it will only confuse you. Focus NC to better yourself, to plan things out for a possible reunion and then wait.. Then act when you feel in your gut that its the right time.

 

You know your ex the best, we are just here to advise. If you decide to move on, or to pursue her will all be up to you. But I advise you not to sit around and ponder all day about the failed relationship, but make a plan and act on it. Nothing will happen if we just keep chatting here at Loveshack, I wish you all the best buddy!

 

Reflect > Plan > Act

 

Acting doesn't mean groveling, begging or being a pissant in front of her. Play this game 'smart' and you'll get results.

 

Example: I've been re-upping my wardrobe and gear since she left. It doesn't hurt to look dapper if/when she sees you again. And she did last week, she told me I look good and tried to remove PERCEIVED dust off my coat. I just acted casual and cool. This is just one example of playing it smart.

Edited September 2, 2013 by btyoung21

[cnb]

Reflect > Plan > Act

 

Indeed!!! I do ponder at times, thats why I jot it down here...much better then breaking NC to ask her wtf is up...lol last night i wrote a very long letter to her, I will mail it to her when I am back actively in the work force again. The letter does not grovel, in fact I point out some good memories we shared in our past and basically state that I hope all goes will in her life. And should our paths never cross again, that I wish her continued success in all that she does and to take care.!.

 

I think I was able to write that letter from a much bette place then if I had written it a few weeks back. I won't mail this to her for some time though...it was good to get certain things off my chest and to leave her with good memories of us and to let her know I'm -ok- with whats been going on and I actually wrote this note saying there is no need to respond.

 

I'm doing better as the days go on. Although I'm still shaken up by it all, I can finally say I am feeling -ok- today ;-)

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, ixnay on the letters. Letters are a bad idea. Do not send a damn letter.

[btyoung21]

Indeed!!! I do ponder at times, thats why I jot it down here...much better then breaking NC to ask her wtf is up...lol last night i wrote a very long letter to her, I will mail it to her when I am back actively in the work force again. The letter does not grovel, in fact I point out some good memories we shared in our past and basically state that I hope all goes will in her life. And should our paths never cross again, that I wish her continued success in all that she does and to take care.!.

 

I think I was able to write that letter from a much bette place then if I had written it a few weeks back. I won't mail this to her for some time though...it was good to get certain things off my chest and to leave her with good memories of us and to let her know I'm -ok- with whats been going on and I actually wrote this note saying there is no need to respond.

 

I'm doing better as the days go on. Although I'm still shaken up by it all, I can finally say I am feeling -ok- today ;-)

 

Good to hear that CNB! As for the letter, how long has it been since you guys were broken up? Are there still unresolved issues that the letter tackles? Does the letter serve as some sort of a closure for both sides? If you need to apologize, do so. But do not unnecessarily point out the bad parts of the relationship, focus on how shes doing and what 'can be' in the future. Then ask yourself, it is necessary to send the letter?

 

I don't really see anything wrong with sending a letter, it just depends on the content and how it's written. Human relationships and too complex to say 'this is right' or 'this is wrong', to each his own, especially with matters of the heart. It's healthy to exchange ideas and suggestions, but at the end of the day, there is no surefire method in getting someone back. Do what you feel is right, at least you have multiple options that come from forumers.

Edited September 2, 2013 by btyoung21

[Pearlbay]

Dude, ixnay on the letters. Letters are a bad idea. Do not send a damn letter.

 

I have to agree with this. It is very tempting to send letters, gifts or even simple texts/e-mails but they will 100% surely backfire on you.

 

Time is also your enemy in this case because twelve years of anticipation ending up like it did is surely not a good thing and will most likely devaluate your 'relationship'.

 

 

My ex and I went into no contact starting on tuesday but we broke it on friday because she didn't appreciate I blocked/removed her from Facebook because she wants the ability to contact me in case she wants to see the ferrets we purchased together.

 

Already 3 days passed since then and at times I miss her a lot.

 

 

I went out on fridaynight where I met nice people giving me free entrance to a club, free beers and on saturday I went to a few café's with a friend of mine and had a lot of girl attention.

It's nice to have attention from other girls but it's extremely difficult to cope with when your ex is defnitely better than the girls you meet. (Looked at objectively not purely on emotions)

 

I'm also actually quite reluctant to initiate new relationships because I'm worried my ex will step back into my life and I may end up crushing somebody else for my own selfishness.

 

The bad thing is: What they say about Pisces is that they 'Live for love' which is entirely true for me, I somehow need a partner I can share all my emotions with. Not perse because I'm dependant or anything it's just a very nice feeling to have somebody like that in your life.

Edited September 2, 2013 by Pearlbay

[cnb]

As I stated earlier, the letter points out things in our past..good times we shared and memories I wanted to leave her with. I do not beg/grovel/ or mention anything negative throughout the letter. It was written to basically say thank you for the good memories and I hope she is blessed in all that she does and to take care.

 

I won't be sending it to her for a few more weeks...I want to make sure I'm in a better place career wise before it is sent. I'm still doing NC and working on me..its my time to shine and I'm using this time to try and better aspects of me and my life. This way when I send the letter basically saying goodbye im in a better place all around.

 

Sucks to say bye to the woman I truly love...but before I can be good with her I need ti be good without her. Maybe she will see a change and maybe not..but im doing this for me!

[Pearlbay]

As I stated earlier, the letter points out things in our past..good times we shared and memories I wanted to leave her with. I do not beg/grovel/ or mention anything negative throughout the letter. It was written to basically say thank you for the good memories and I hope she is blessed in all that she does and to take care.

 

I won't be sending it to her for a few more weeks...I want to make sure I'm in a better place career wise before it is sent. I'm still doing NC and working on me..its my time to shine and I'm using this time to try and better aspects of me and my life. This way when I send the letter basically saying goodbye im in a better place all around.

 

Sucks to say bye to the woman I truly love...but before I can be good with her I need ti be good without her. Maybe she will see a change and maybe not..but im doing this for me!

 

She hasn't given you information regarding the breakup and you keep on smothering her with contact in whatever way you may think is 'good' but in the end it will just extend the emotional rollercoaster as you're not giving her time to truly think about everything.

 

If there should be one sending letters and contacting anybody it should be her.

 

Women despise men with a missing backbone and just writing 'positive stuff' is exactly what one without backbone would do and it will indirectly force her to make a quick decision.

Knowing that you will say 'Goodbye' will certainly speed-up the process of decision making if there is any at all and will most likely not be a positive one for you.

Or it may seem positive because for example she runs back to you but ends up dumping you not long after because nothing was fixed and rash decisions were made.

 

So keep it at absolutely NO CONTACT... don't make the same mistake many many others including myself made in the past or keep at it and either chase her away or force her to make rash decisions.

Edited September 2, 2013 by Pearlbay

[12yearsin]

NC is so hard. Just think how satisfied you will be when your ex breaks it first.

[cnb]

She hasn't given you information regarding the breakup and you keep on smothering her with contact in whatever way you may think is 'good' but in the end it will just extend the emotional rollercoaster as you're not giving her time to truly think about everything.

 

Not sure if you've been following the thread from the start...I have not broken contact and don't plan on it its already been going on 2 months (6/7weeks) so how am I smothering her by coming onto this site to unload some of my emotions and get feedback from others...

 

As for the letter, it is written in a way that shows I have a backbone and can live without her, and just leaves her with some happy memories of us from our past. But the tone of the letter is basically saying "Take care"...its not a sappy love letter where I'm begging her to be with me, or professing my dying love for her.

 

but I do appreciate your input.

[Pearlbay]

Not sure if you've been following the thread from the start...I have not broken contact and don't plan on it its already been going on 2 months (6/7weeks) so how am I smothering her by coming onto this site to unload some of my emotions and get feedback from others...

 

As for the letter, it is written in a way that shows I have a backbone and can live without her, and just leaves her with some happy memories of us from our past. But the tone of the letter is basically saying "Take care"...its not a sappy love letter where I'm begging her to be with me, or professing my dying love for her.

 

but I do appreciate your input.

 

Then I misinterpret some parts here and there. Be aware though that it's her view on the letter that counts, not yours.

 

Make sure your letter sounds more formal than friendly, anything else might be misinterpreted. Women are crazy after all.

[cnb]

Trust me, I would love for her to break NC first...but we are going on 2months already...one aspect or concern was my career..so once I get that back in track I will send the letter. Its written quite matter of fact..direct to the point highlighting some good times and saying goodbye...that Im ok and actually doing well. If it spawns just some pondering on her end then it was worth it. Even if she never responds it will leave thoughts and unanswered questions in her mind. I don't want to leave my love all up to chance....I have to initiate Contact at somepoint..even if its to say bye. Trust me though I will wait for a while before sending the letter with hopes she will reach out first. Plus I need to get a career going at the moment ..so I'm still a work in progress.

Edited September 2, 2013 by cnb

[Simon Phoenix]

No letters. Letters are bad. I can't stress this enough. If you have to write one, write it for yourself but DO NOT SEND IT!

[cnb]

No letters. Letters are bad. I can't stress this enough. If you have to write one, write it for yourself but DO NOT SEND IT!

 

Even after NC been like 3-4 to months? Why is this? Just asking out of curiosity ...

[Simon Phoenix]

Even after NC been like 3-4 to months? Why is this? Just asking out of curiosity ...

 

Because it's invasive. Because it's overly dramatic. Because it makes you look like you've been clinging this whole time. Because no matter how much you deny it, you'll crave a certain type of response and be set back when you don't get it.

 

Write it for yourself to get your words down on paper, or on a computer screen. But do not send.

[cnb]

Fair enough..I was under the impression that after a certain amount of NC something like this would be ok because its not an overly dramatic letter... and being that it would be mailed to her that it would give her time to sit back and reflect on her time...and honestly I would do it without wanting a response because its basically getting some things into perspective and leaving her with happy memories of us and basically saying goodbye and thank you. I heard this could be a positive move on my part. What has been other peoples reaction to doing something similar?

 

Again its going to be a couple months from now that I had planned on sending it...but if the over all consensus is to not do it im open to hearing why... so your rtake is it will look like I've been pinning these months and will not be received well...even if its made as a closure letter?

 

Thx again for all your input

[btyoung21]

Again CNB, this are just opinions on a forum. At the end of the day, it's your call to send the letter or not. No one can dictate what you wish to really do. I'm sure everyone here mean well for you, no matter how our opinions differ from each other.

 

I say send it, being the minority vote.

 

Fair enough..I was under the impression that after a certain amount of NC something like this would be ok because its not an overly dramatic letter... and being that it would be mailed to her that it would give her time to sit back and reflect on her time...and honestly I would do it without wanting a response because its basically getting some things into perspective and leaving her with happy memories of us and basically saying goodbye and thank you. I heard this could be a positive move on my part. What has been other peoples reaction to doing something similar?

 

Again its going to be a couple months from now that I had planned on sending it...but if the over all consensus is to not do it im open to hearing why... so your rtake is it will look like I've been pinning these months and will not be received well...even if its made as a closure letter?

 

Thx again for all your input

[Minneloa]

Hi OP,

 

Just wanted to weigh in on the letter issue with an emphatic NO. I agree with Simon that, especially in 2013, post-breakup letters are overly dramatic. They call attention to themselves in an age of texting and Skype, and not necessarily in a good way, especially if the recipient ended the relationship with the sender. To me, they have the air of a throwback grand gesture to 1857 or even 1982, when people actually used them regularly to communicate. Unfortunately, even if the content is cool and composed, it will, IMHO, be trumped by the "showiness" of the medium. In short, from a rejected party to the one that rejected them, letters have an unfortunate air of desperation.

 

M.

Edited September 3, 2013 by Minneloa

[cnb]

So I should sit back and hope the stars align in my favor down the road at somepoint? I mean, im working on me and getting on with my life but I do want another chance at this...so it seems that NC will be a forever situation and I should just place all hope in the somewhat possiblity that the stars will align on there own...I mean I've been doing that already for almost two months and each day gets easier then the next, so I'm -ok- with that to a certain extent... I just feel like the outreach will help leave her thinking about things that's she's probably not cognizant of at the moment and possibly leave a door open for a possible reconciliation down the road. I could also be very wrong (that's why im here looking for support and direction as I do want things to work out at somepoint) but for now NC it is..and working on me to better my situation with work and such.

 

Thx for the input ... for now the letter will stay in its notebook and I'll keep taking each day as it comes...

[Minneloa]

I hear you, OP. It's incredibly frustrating to be where you are right now. That said, unfortunately you can't control other people, and any attempt to do so is likely to backfire. Your ex may, at some point, decide that she would like to rekindle things with you. However, this has to be a decision that she arrives at on her own. If you try to argue, persuade, remind, cajole, prompt, lobby, etc., it will likely be viewed as pathetic, I am sorry to say. Your best bet is to disappear like a ninja and move forward with your life. Whatever will be, will be, stars and all. You simply can't force it.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's my honest perspective.

 

M.

[cnb]

That's what I figured ..that's why I went completely NC the day she said she said she wanted "space"... I deleted all my social media and have disappeared since. Just sucks.. and I don't want to persuade her to come back..I truly want her to do so on her own because then it will mean what we have always spoke about and the emotions behind it all were true..so I stick to NC (but hope all changes)... and I get it that I can be let down should nothing come from it..but that's all I have at this point while I move on and focus on me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Fair enough..I was under the impression that after a certain amount of NC something like this would be ok because its not an overly dramatic letter... and being that it would be mailed to her that it would give her time to sit back and reflect on her time...and honestly I would do it without wanting a response because its basically getting some things into perspective and leaving her with happy memories of us and basically saying goodbye and thank you. I heard this could be a positive move on my part. What has been other peoples reaction to doing something similar?

 

Again its going to be a couple months from now that I had planned on sending it...but if the over all consensus is to not do it im open to hearing why... so your rtake is it will look like I've been pinning these months and will not be received well...even if its made as a closure letter?

 

Thx again for all your input

 

Honestly, if you were going to send a letter like that, it would have been best immediately after the breakup. She breaks up, you say what you have to say, you go silent and move forward. But this far after the fact it'll be like "WTF?" on her end. I wrote my ex a letter a couple months after we broke. Didn't send it, just kept it on my computer and would occasionally tweak it from time to time. Eventually I stopped tweaking it and would read it occasionally. Then I stopped reading it. Then I deleted it. Served as a pretty good progress report of my recovery. But I am glad I never sent it.