NC is hard - is there a chance she will return?

[cnb]

I think she loves you, but the broken marriage has here second guessing herself. She is in fear. She needs to know everything will be ok, no matter if you are just friends or more than friends.

 

 

I have told her this before that everything will be -ok- I told her while I was friends with her trying to give her friendly advise to seek counseling and what not...you know how much it hurts to look the person you love in the eye and tell them to work out their issues with their current relationship..knowing fully in the back of your head you are the perfect person for them.

 

...her broken marriage was due to the simple fact she truly didn't want him 100% because she said countless times it should have been me!!!! - I waited for so many years for this day - no one in this world will ever make her as happy as I will...I just wish she would understand that already and see our past for what it was...me always being there for her no matter if it hurt me knowing she was with that other guy and more-so after she got married to him - that broke me to pieces, I had lost all hope and had to forcefully disconnect my emotions from her and the thought of us...

 

Now its finally here and she pushes me away...if she was scared she should say something, but more so she should look at our past and believe that no mater what I would never turn my back on her, and I will always do what I need to too keep her happy...

 

When she smiles it brightens my soul not just makes me happy on the outside... I hope she comes to this realization sooner then later, because if all she is at the moment is scared...I wonder if she understands the pain she is putting me through in order for her to cope with the thought of being scared???

 

I can see where she would be hesitant (in a way) - but seriously its been 12 years of US ..how can she just throw that to the side without truly looking at it and the history of it all? That in its self should give her the strength she needs to know what we have is stronger then any bond we have ever had.

 

I want my baby back in my arms...I miss her so much, I hope she understands how I feel and comes to the conclusion that what we have is not like her failed relationships or marriage!!!!

 

I wish I could take back all these years and just tell her how I feel about her and sweep her off her feet and be the couple I know we can be and that others would be envious of.

 

I wish I could go back to that day at my job when she came with her mother and brought me dinner and asked for my number...fkkkkk!!!! I hate this limbo we're in.

Edited August 21, 2013 by cnb

[Angry bird]

You know your life better than I do. Follow your instincts.

[cnb]

Follow your instincts.

 

They are all out of whack... wish it was that easy... it seems no matter what I'm left second guessing everything. :-(

[cnb]

OK so I have an update...nothing grand - but confuses me 10000% more!!! fkn hate this roller coaster.

 

So two days ago I get a text message from her mom....now mind you - throughout my friendship/relationship with my girl I have always been tight with her mother, to a point that her mom would text me every once in a blue to see how I was doing, or if I wanted to go grab some coffee and catch up...

 

well two days ago I get a text "Thinking Of You!" - but at this point i'm feeling conflicted by it...On one hand I appreciate the "thought" but on the other hand I WANT THAT TEXT COMING FROM THE FKN WOMAN I LOVE!!!!! not her freaking mother...!!!!

 

I was to afraid to respond because I didn't want a huge conversation to ensue because I feel like anything I say to her mom now can be brought back to her attention and I don't want that to happen...so I have not responded...and a part of me doesn't feel like I should respond and I'm just taking it as a one sided statement that doesn't need to be responded to, just understood from my end..

 

- I tell you what though, it fkn sucks A$$ that it came from her mom and not her!!!! Why can't my lady break the silence already...its been 6 freaking weeks!!!! wtf already... how much more time of NC until she comes around? It took her mom 4 weeks to break NC.... but when will God work in my favor to have my lady break this?????

 

 

 

ALSO I NEED SOME INPUT ON THIS.... ----

 

So I've read many threads on "Rebound" and being the rebound man and such - and seeing how she just got out of a failed marriage - and a manipulating toxic relationship (while going through her divorce..aprox 1.5 year relationship)...

 

Seeing how we lasted 3 months or so, its looking as if I could have been a rebound (even outside of the 12 years we have been speaking about being together and all)...could this be the case?

 

I hope its not the case, but from the threads I have read the duration of time seems about right???? - if for some Godforsaken way it was (or I was) would she come back?? I mean of she decided to go back to the fkn psycho path ... knowing he is garbage do you think she would come back?

 

I just can't see how someone who claims love and more-so "soulmate" could actually go for weeks on end without speaking to me...I could only think that her time is being occupied by another man... (the only reason why I started to do some research on rebounds...cause this 6 weeks of NC doesn't make sense to me at all).

 

Sorry for rambling, jus trying to make sense of all this and writing it down helps me a bit, plus it helps to hear the great feedback I get and other perspectives...

 

So to sum it up...

 

* Her mother texted me - I never responded/wish it was my lady who did the texting

 

* If for some reason I was a "rebound" will she come back? (hard to consider me being a rebound because of our history together, but the duration of time and her just coming out of two relationships makes me lean towards the possibility)

 

Please offer some insight... I hate this feeling, and just want her back already...6 weeks and counting...I want to stop counting already and just be back in her arms...fkkkkkk this Sucks!!!

[cnb]

Any insight or personal stories would be a great help on this situation...

[cnb]

bump...for input

[thora-tiki]

Hi, cnb

 

You wrote:

«If for some reason I was a "rebound" will she come back? (hard to consider me being a rebound because of our history together, but the duration of time and her just coming out of two relationships makes me lean towards the possibility)»

 

That would be like trying to predict the future, let's not go there.

 

The real issue is that you are looking too far ahead and that will kill your chances of success, what does that mean?

 

You will not get your life back and you will stay an emotional mess which will drive everything in your path away from you: friends, family, pets, and even wild animals.

Don't go there.

 

You are making the ultimate mistake - looking too far ahead and trying to judge the out come so you can decide whether to quit or not.

 

You want answers, solutions, and decisions NOW.

Actually, forget now, we want answers - yesterday!

Hah!

 

Nothing we can do about that, but breathe my friend.

Just slow down, and breathe.

Do not rush no contact.

 

Focus in yourself first.

 

Only contact the ex-hole when you are ready, (ask her out for a short get together, no longer than 30-60 minutes).

 

Ready in my book means that you have let go of the old failed relationship and really don't care either way.

Yes / no, you are fine either way.

Since you know you can live without the ex-hole.

 

The ex-hole also needs to be ready, if not they will pull us back into the old failed relationship or make us the rebound, and we will be broken up not long after.

 

How do you know if she is ready? You don't.

And you shouldn't know anything about her during no contact.

 

She may be ready to reconnect if you let time pass.

 

Meeting her again should be like meeting an old friend.

I really believe that is the feeling and state of mind people have when they make that re-connection call and meet up, with no deep or romantic feelings attached.

 

Why? Because you got your life back, moved on and in full life mode without her support.

 

If this is ever going to work with our exes, it has got to be a new relationship, with fresh new perspectives, and attitudes.

 

Do you get the picture?

 

You wrote:

«I tell you - over the years she always complained to me saying that if I loved her I would fight for her and do anything I could to be with her...and this NC is going against everything that I know she is probably thinking about»

 

My ex-hole complained, and it was even one of the reasons he broke up with me, that we didn't spend enough time together, still, I am doing no contact.

 

Hah!

 

Yes, you don't know what she is up to.

But at the same time, she doesn't know anything about you either

(what you are doing etc.).

 

No contact takes self-discipline, patience, and time from your part.

 

It's going to kick her in the as*s (in a good way)! This is what you want to happen. She'll be scared she's really losing you, but you're going to talk to her when you're ready, not the other way around.

 

Just don't break no contact and she'll start evolving before you know it!

[cnb]

 

Just don't break no contact and she'll start evolving before you know it!

 

Thank you for the input...I have not broken contact with her for a long time already...and to be honest im to afraid to! I can't handle the rejection (should there be one). So how long does it take for her to start "evolving" is there a certain time line? Or is it between now and when im like 90? Because I want this tide to turn NOW, not later ...

 

What are your thoughts on the mother Texting me? I have still not responded but I do still have my motorcycle at her mothers house... part of me wants to go get it..another part of me wants to leave it because its like my only life line (even though I know that should not be the case)... bottom line though with that is I would have to break no contact to set up a day and time to go grab it...and to be honest here...I truly don't want to see her or her family at the moment because im still emotional over all this stuff that's going on.

 

This stuff sucks!

 

So what should I do? Just sit back and wait it out? Im trying to be as patient as possible and I think im doing better as the days go on, but... the bottom line is I want her back ASAP and this NC I thought would turn the tides but so far 6weeks into and nothing has changed except me longing for her and days/weeks are just going by... is there a timeline? Can it be shortened?

 

As for me... im out doing stuff, hanging with friends and keeping busy working on myself going on job interviews to better my income and I lost some weight (diet and stress)...

 

But no matter what im doing I always seem to think about her being with me doing these things together...uuuggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!! When will she begin to feel that void the same way? When will this start to work in my favor...or our favor????

Edited August 26, 2013 by cnb

[Simon Phoenix]

You need to wait it out because you are nowhere near the point of being ready to contact her. There's no magic "wait this long and then do it" timeframe. It could be 30 days (very rare), could be 60, could be 90, could be longer. And if you are doing NC to "turn the tables" or "get her to go after me" you are doing it wrong. You need to be using NC to get back to the way you were. Pick up a hobby, make new friends, reconnect with old friends, work out, go on a trip, be active. You are sitting there doing nothing hoping that she'll blink first. That's the wrong mindset to be in and why you haven't evolved emotionally at all in six weeks. Spending your NC time staring at the phone hoping she'll call or text defeats the purpose.

[cnb]

You need to wait it out because you are nowhere near the point of being ready to contact her. There's no magic "wait this long and then do it" timeframe. It could be 30 days (very rare), could be 60, could be 90, could be longer. And if you are doing NC to "turn the tables" or "get her to go after me" you are doing it wrong. You need to be using NC to get back to the way you were. Pick up a hobby, make new friends, reconnect with old friends, work out, go on a trip, be active. You are sitting there doing nothing hoping that she'll blink first. That's the wrong mindset to be in and why you haven't evolved emotionally at all in six weeks. Spending your NC time staring at the phone hoping she'll call or text defeats the purpose.

 

But everything I have read leads me to believe that NC will help turn the tides to have her miss me..like I've said, I'm doing things (and yes, I look at the phone often and hope I get some type of message) but I am trying my hardest to be active and work on me... I do want her back and thought that NC would not only help me try to get back on with the way I was before we started our thing but would also help her start to feel the loss of me, and help be the catalyst for her to reach out...

 

So there's absolutely nothing that can be done to help speed this process? Some say when she see's you doing things (being out, looking good etc.) that she will start to feel that she could be missing out...but we share NO common friends and I deleted every social media site I had...so there is no way for her to know what I am up to at all.

 

I'm still hurt/confused by her mother texting me "Thinking of You" - It plays in my mind like a broken record because I just wish it was her daughter who texted me that.

 

But again, I continue NC and work on bettering myself and trying to get my life back emotionally where it was before she came back into the picture. With hopes the tides will change sooner rather than later...

[Simon Phoenix]

But everything I have read leads me to believe that NC will help turn the tides to have her miss me..like I've said, I'm doing things (and yes, I look at the phone often and hope I get some type of message) but I am trying my hardest to be active and work on me... I do want her back and thought that NC would not only help me try to get back on with the way I was before we started our thing but would also help her start to feel the loss of me, and help be the catalyst for her to reach out...

 

So there's absolutely nothing that can be done to help speed this process? Some say when she see's you doing things (being out, looking good etc.) that she will start to feel that she could be missing out...but we share NO common friends and I deleted every social media site I had...so there is no way for her to know what I am up to at all.

 

I'm still hurt/confused by her mother texting me "Thinking of You" - It plays in my mind like a broken record because I just wish it was her daughter who texted me that.

 

But again, I continue NC and work on bettering myself and trying to get my life back emotionally where it was before she came back into the picture. With hopes the tides will change sooner rather than later...

 

No, there's no way to speed up the process. Ultimately she's the one who wants to have to come back and there is nothing you can do or say to make that happen. It takes as long as it takes. There's no easy button or shortcut and if you try it, you are going to lose and going to lose badly. No Contact can make her miss you, but first and foremost it's for you to settle your emotions, gain some perspective and allow yourself to put your best foot forward. It doesn't sound like you are doing that at all -- you are just sitting around hoping to win a game of chicken.

 

NC is for you to get back to being you, maybe even becoming a better you. But if you sit there and wait around for her, that's never going to happen. If she contacted you right now you would probably screw it up because you are still emotionally fidgety.

 

Anyway, there is no shot clock or time limit to recovery/No Contact/reconciliation. If you try to implement one you will make an ass out of yourself. So stop thinking in terms of clocks. If she's really the one, does it really matter how long it takes for her to come back? Your goal right now shouldn't be to get her back quickly -- it should be to get to a point where if she decides to come back, you will be the one with the power to decide if she's worth it or not.

[Angry bird]

CNB,

 

No contact really is the best prescription for you. After reading your post, I am seeing that you were holding her too tight...

 

You need to let go for the sake of this relationship to make it...

 

This no contact is for you my friend

[cnb]

If she's really the one, does it really matter how long it takes for her to come back? Your goal right now shouldn't be to get her back quickly -- it should be to get to a point where if she decides to come back, you will be the one with the power to decide if she's worth it or not.

 

Very true indeed!!! I guess time in that sense doesn't matter much...I'm just afraid of the "what ifs" and the "how come" I do feel like she is my soulmate so in that sense time doesn't matter much, its just the unknown in the meantime that has me stuck wondering and wanting her back sooner than later...

[cnb]

CNB,

 

No contact really is the best prescription for you. After reading your post, I am seeing that you were holding her too tight...

 

You need to let go for the sake of this relationship to make it...

 

This no contact is for you my friend

 

I'm holding onto the memories and things she has told me over the span of 12 years very tightly ...I know this is where the root of my problem is...and I'm coping with NC - and truly trying to do things for me to better my life and get on with things (but I do think about her all day, and I do look at my phone thinking maybe today is the day she will call/text/email - or even when I'm out I fantisize about her driving where I am pulling up, jumping out the car to scream and profess her love for me...yes I am very guilty of that)

 

As far as it stands within the relationship we had, I was not holding onto her as tight - I was playing each day as they came, and when she would bring up the conversation about wedding bells and children, I would entertain the conversation with her...so this is another reason why I'm having a hard time because I'm somehow stuck mentally thinking about all this stuff THAT SHE would bring up in conversation...and now the "Space" apart doesn't match any of it...

 

But I will go on with NC and do my best to keep busy - I can't say that my thoughts will just stop at a drop of a dime, but I'm doing my best given the situation.

 

Anyone have thoughts about the mother texting me?

 

btw - thank you all for your input so far - Its nice to be able to vent and get feed back!

 

CNB-

[cnb]

Also,

 

Any insight on the whole "rebound" aspect...

 

She had been in the midst of getting a divorce while she entered into a very unhealthy toxic relationship with a psycho stalker... Divorce was final - and she had said that she was over the craziness of that other unhealthy fling she had for a little over a year...

 

We had a strong thing for aprox three months when she dropped the "space" thing on me...

 

and what makes this strange is the 12 years we have been speaking about having just what we had for those three months...like it was finally our time...

 

--- just looking for some other insight on other aspects of this situation--- (if this was a rebound, which I don't feel like it was -but everything I read on other threads kinda points to it) is there also a chance that she will come back in that situation???

 

Again thx for all your input - I am learning a great deal through this pain!!!

[btyoung21]

CNB wrote this:

I'm holding onto the memories and things she has told me over the span of 12 years very tightly ...I know this is where the root of my problem is...and I'm coping with NC - and truly trying to do things for me to better my life and get on with things (but I do think about her all day, and I do look at my phone thinking maybe today is the day she will call/text/email - or even when I'm out I fantisize about her driving where I am pulling up, jumping out the car to scream and profess her love for me...yes I am very guilty of that)

 

As far as it stands within the relationship we had, I was not holding onto her as tight - I was playing each day as they came, and when she would bring up the conversation about wedding bells and children, I would entertain the conversation with her...so this is another reason why I'm having a hard time because I'm somehow stuck mentally thinking about all this stuff THAT SHE would bring up in conversation...and now the "Space" apart doesn't match any of it...

 

CNB,

 

I'm in a similar boat my friend. I'm having a hard time doing NC because in the back of my head, I want to do 200% balls to the walls effort to get her back (3 years living together). Although it sounds romantic, it also is very detrimental for both sides. If anything, these 'efforts' will be seen as desperate, weak and needy.

 

We broke up August 2, but before NC started, I left a letter expressing change and hope for a better future for both of us. The letter is a bit vague, but gives the reader something to hold onto. By today, I've had complete NC since last week. I'll use NC around 1.5 months, bettering myself and figuring out whether I will start pursuing again. The time apart will also be seen as 'respecting' her space, which is good.

 

In October, I'll break NC and ask her out for some food or drinks. I'd like to assume by that time; the smoke has cleared and our heads are in a better place. Hard to deal with an unstable and volatile situation. I tried 2 weeks ago to drop off some food items and stuff but I just got berated and cussed out. Some say 1 month is too long, some say it's way too short. It's actually up to you, because we know our partners better than anyone.

 

I think breaking NC is situational. There are no hard and fast rules. I got her some favorite artwork/books a couple of months ago to give on her birthday. I plan to have these items dropped off at her place, I won't even show up, not even a text or a call. I believe this sends a strong statement; actions and not words. The space and time away is still there. This may happen in mid-Sept, around 3 weeks before I ask her out in Oct. I know a lot of NC purists will probably crucify me on this. But the purity of that act cannot be denied. She will be truly happy to receive that package and I don't even care if she sends her thanks or whatnot.

 

Hope you get some insight from my situation.

[cnb]

Any insight on the mothers text...or me being a sort of rebound and possibly she went back to the psycho and if so, any chance she will return from that and come back????

 

Thx for the input...

Edited August 27, 2013 by cnb

[btyoung21]

I think the mother's text message is a non-factor. It doesn't matter at this point if the mom likes you or not, it probably only matters when you are courting someone at the beginning. I don't think she'll return to a toxic relationship with a psycho stalker. If anything, she is enjoying the space of being alone and doing 'me' time instead of dealing with all the drama a relationship brings.

 

Your best move right now would be NC, until to a point when you think both of you are ready for a casual hang-out. She needs to deal with whatever she needs to deal with, and you need to think whether this is the RIGHT person for you. If you truly believe that, pursue her. NC will prepare you for that, and her as well. Actually 6 weeks is around 1.5 months, but it seems you are not ready yet. From what and how you've been describing your feelings. Breaking NC should be part fun, part business and just winging it. Don't expect anything, and if it fails, brush it off. You have to have that attitude or else you'll be crushed. You have to be ready for anything; rejection or acceptance.

 

If ever that casual hang out rolls by; you'll know whether it might work out or not. The most important thing is not to bring up the past, just try to have a fun night out and screw the drama and problems. The last thing a healing person needs is to rehash old issues and re-open old wounds. Be cool, be yourself and have fun. The rest will follow if this love is really for real.

 

In my case, I was my exes first live-in partner. Almost married too. We broke up over my selfishness over her career choices and she felt like I was holding her back. Does she love me still? Yes. Am I good for her life? No. That's why I have to show her that I CAN be good for her by giving her the space and time she needs. I'll be there when both of us are ready, and that can come 1 month or even 1 year for now. Knowing her; I think it's wise for me to try again in 1-2 months time. Really depends if the person heals fast.

Edited August 28, 2013 by btyoung21

[cnb]

Yeah although I speak about my emotions here...I have been NC - it does suck, but I wouldn't know what to say if I tried to reach out anyway (half scared of her reaction as if I didn't respect her wish of space..maybe reaching out to soon - or fear she would just not respond all together) I don't want to ruin any chance I may have (if any at all) - I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and from what she has told me over the years I can only assume she feels the same...guess its just a matter of hope/faith that she remembers her feelings for us and what we have always spoke about... I do hope she realizes it sooner then later though...because I truly miss just holding her and looking into her eyes..

 

But the days keep going on - NC fkn sucks - but I feel like she wanted the space, she needs to break the ice...(just hope it works in our favor)!!

[btyoung21]

Out of a woman's pride of being the dumper, they'll stick to their guns and won't contact us in most cases. They want to justify in their heads that they did the right thing by dumping us.

 

In which case, we need to be the one to reconnect/break-the-ice. Whether that reconnect meet-up leads to a future workaround or a final closure, it will eventually happen. The ball is entirely on your court, but are you ready to play?

 

I am planning on reconnecting in late October, to coincide with her semester break from school. This makes sure that she is free and won't have much excuses not to meet-up. Let's use the NC period to reflect, change and evolve into persons that we need to be. That means being ready for whatever they throw at us; rejection or acceptance.

 

Make a rough project outline on your calendar if it helps; but you don't need to follow it strictly. I was supposed to give her a letter 3 weeks ago, but was pushed to last Friday. Because I felt the words weren't right at that time. So even if I am planning an October comeback, it may come earlier or even get delayed.

 

Gut-feel + Logical reflection + Sound advise = Good decisions

[cnb]

 

Gut-feel + Logical reflection + Sound advise = Good decisions

 

yeah, I think its best to wait this one out - she has always come to me in the past 12/13 years...I have to have faith in us - so for now i will continue to look for a better job, maybe begin to work out again and just focus on me...(although I wont lie...I know i'll be looking at my phone and checking my email constantly hoping "today" will be the day she comes back)...

[btyoung21]

Mods: Please merge to above if you deem necessary.

 

In the case you meet-up and everything works out: Start very slowly, don't pressure her into meeting again so soon. I suggest that you keep in touch and maybe go on casual dates twice a month or so. Do not pressure her into making a decision with regards to your relationship, act like you are courting a brand new girl. Let things flow naturally and just have fun. I really do hope and pray everything works out, I am rooting for you!

[cnb]

from your lips to Gods ears...I can only hope the same!!!!! as for the going slowly- at the rate its going now...I'll take a second chance to have it even remotely move at all!! so, I hope she reaches out---I pray she does...!!!...

[btyoung21]

Buddy, don't expect so much when it comes to her reaching out. Most dumpers do not reach out unless they have a clear change of heart.

 

Please don't think NC will magically change their minds. If anything, they might realize they are better off without us (my fear also).

 

Use NC to change things she didn't like about you, whatever those were. Use NC to get ready for either rejection or acceptance. It will come sooner or later anyway. Just a matter of time, be steadfast.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, NC is about you taking care of you, it's not about waiting out the ex in some game of chicken.