NC is hard - is there a chance she will return?

[cnb]

I will try to make this short as possible...

 

- met a young woman in her teens - I was in my twenties...we connected but strictly as friends although she pursued me heavily. I was a retail manager at the time and told her I would give her a job when she was of age. and I did.. we held onto a friendship for many years and throughout she has always searched for me and expressed her love for me and always said how she believed we were soul-mates.

 

when she was in college I started to think about giving it a shot...she was no longer "underage" and I felt that it was a good chance for us to see if this could work out. Long story short we always ran into bad timing.I was single/she was taken - she was single I was taken... years later she had been in a very long term committed relationship (still seeking me out to be with her) and I would always tell her if she didn't want to be with that guy then she needed to end it with him, not because I was there but because it wasn't right...

 

she wound up getting engaged and married...I lost all hope, then I damned myself for not just sweeping her off her feet and telling her not to be with that guy and to just be with me.. a few months into her marriage she came back yet again, saying that it should have been us, and she truly loved me and doesn't see how her marriage will work. months later she called saying it was over she was getting a divorce. - she asked me to give her time to manage this alone and that she will come back when its all done and we can finally have our time together.

 

fast forward months later (about 8) she came back told me she was ready and wanted to take things slow...I told her I was game and we started dating - shortly into "us" i find out that she has some psycho stalker - when I questioned her about it she said she had dated him during her divorce and when she tried to break it off with him he became very over powering and threatening to her if she doesn't stay with him he would kill people she would be with and even harm her family...

 

it got to a point he would come to her home late at night and key her car and break parts off...

 

Anyway long story short I believed she was genuinely scared of this guy and there was no more feelings...weeks went by and all was well, but she started finding the littlest things to fight about. I questioned if that guy was still in the picture she denied it...but I found some emails from him to her I didn't find any responses from her to him...but the emails were love songs and notes and such... When I confronted her on this situation she told me she needed "space" to figure out her life - she felt that we "rushed" into things to quick, and now she is unsure what she wants????

 

I'm beyond confused because this is something we have been both actively speaking about for well over 12 years...and finally now we have our chance at it..and this is what happens??? I sent her one text message about four weeks ago saying that I was thinking about her...she responded the next day she was doing the same but that she was really concentrating on herself right now and that she needs to work on her and learning to build her self up and to make sure she knows what she wants in her life to have a better future for her.

 

I didn't respond. and haven't since (NC) We had a trip booked for this past weekend and it was hard to not think about being there with her...but that's where we are at the moment...she has since deleted all our photo's together from her Facebook - and it just leaves me beyond confused....12 years we finally had our chance and we took it, and Poof!!! gone???

 

It has been about a month since I have spoken with her, I deleted my facebook and frankly all my social media - been trying to focus on me and do things to keep my mind occupied - but this NC is truly getting to me, I can't stop thinking about her, and all the things we have told each-other over the years and more-so within the month leading up to her choosing to walk.

 

My mother informed me that she had called her about a week ago and told her that this was very hard on her as well, but that she needed to figure her stuff out and to make sure she is making the right choice and she just came out of a failed marriage and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes...She ended the convo with my mom saying when she is ready she will reach out to me.

 

I'm just shattered - I'm confused, and truly want to marry this woman. She has been a rock in my life for so many years, and not being able to speak with her or see her in the past few weeks has gotten my spirits down a great deal. I feel like I'm loosing the best part of me... Every time anyone has ever said they needed space - it never turned out well at all...I am trying to have hope and faith here, but I can't understand the whole "space" and not talking or seeing each other etc...

 

I have been reading some threads on this site along with others and so far I have a huge mix of conflicting ideas about this ... I know the only person who truly knows is God - but it would be great to hear some feed back from others who have gone through the same thing... (or close to it at least) I would love to have her come back but I also don't want to force the issue or push her away - so she wanted space and I'm giving it (even though its breaking me)

 

thx in advance for any insight

-cnb

Edited August 14, 2013 by cnb

[lylat333]

My mother informed me that she had called her about a week ago and told her that this was very hard on her as well, but that she needed to figure her stuff out and to make sure she is making the right choice and she just came out of a failed marriage and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes...She ended the convo with my mom saying when she is ready she will reach out to me.

This is the part that stuck out to me. She's obviously thinking of you, and she has made it clear that she wants to be the one to reach out to you. I am having the damndest time with NC right now (haven't heard from my ex in 20 days, I've broken NC twice since then) so believe me, I know how hard it is.

 

If you believe there is potential between you two, I would definitely advise leaving her be, no contact whatsoever. I think if you break NC, it will definitely only set her back and confuse her more. If you wait and she contacts you, I think it will go so much better for you. If you wait and she doesn't contact, then I would say it wasn't meant to be. She seems very finicky (and she said it's been hard on her) so I don't think there's anything you could do or say to break NC that would pacify her.

Edited August 15, 2013 by lylat333

[cnb]

lylat333 - Thank you for the input - How are you handling the 20 days so far? you mentioned you broke the NC twice already..how has that been for you? what was the communication like?

 

At this point for me I use the NC because I'm too afraid to being rejected by her, so for me Im doing the nc out of fear - I just don't want to push her away more. I do not understand this whole "space" and "time" thing for me if someone loves you they stick it out...so this just confuses the $%^# out of me.

 

I also left my motorcycle there when we had our "talk" and she wanted her "space" I'm even at a point of being to afraid to go pick it up because I don't want to run into her or her family - I'm completely freaking scared to my core to loose this woman that I second guess everything, and I use NC out of fear for the worst possible outcome.

 

I feel like we have "something" stronger then most people and a bond that is at times very hard to explain...but just this simple "I need space" has gotten me to now second guess everything we have ever spoken about in the past 12 years.

 

I feel an emptiness within my chest throughout each day - and everyday that passes really feels like an eternity.

 

Each day that passes my small glimmer of hope diminishes a bit - wish there was some magic spell to rewind this and "re-do" it so that she is not stuck in this unclear area of I need space...

[Angry bird]

OMG, this story almost sounds identical to mine. The years, the soulmate thing, weird. 13 years went by before I contacted him. He wasn't ready and I was ready to be divorced. He left me tho. Not sure exactly why, just stopped speaking to me. I know this, the love feeling will fade. Love has to be nurtured to be sustained. My feelings have faded a lot.

[cnb]

My feelings have faded a lot.

 

What happened in your story? and why has your feelings faded? because of the time apart? or because of a situation that occurred?

 

My feelings for my situation have always been constant for the whole duration of time with this woman. For some reason I have loved her since day 1 - and can't seem to turn my feelings for her off like a light switch.!.!. another reason why I don't understand this whole time away stuff - just seems like people make it easy to switch their emotions on and off like nothing....

[Blastoplast]

Oh they'll come back, but only after you're completely over them. Which will be a good thing in so many ways -- I shouldn't have to explain the details why, but you'll understand with time.

 

Hate to spew out the same **** that's regurgitated on this website all the time -- but just worry about yourself. You'll gain strength, courage, knowledge and wisdom and you'll be a better person for it. Keep your head up, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel

[cnb]

You'll gain strength, courage, knowledge and wisdom and you'll be a better person for it. Keep your head up, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel

 

Thank you for the input blastoplast - but with me working on "me" I know I will develop all those- but my concern is with her coming back, the duration of time, will it actually happen, why does this space need to be if people love each other, i mean the list can go on...

 

I truly love this woman, and can't see spending my life without her and I'd like to believe in all the things she has told me over the years and recently that were all basically the same....

 

Its been about 5 weeks now with no contact, and believe me each day feels like a lifetime has gone by. I wonder if she thinks about me? or "us", and if so how much longer do I have to wait to get her back if thats even an option.

 

I fkn miss her so much its driving me nuts.... I wish there was a magic word or action that could just turn the tide already...this is devastating to me...

 

I am going out and doing stuff to get my mind occupied, but truth be told no matter what I do, I always feel like it would be so much better with her by my side. The thoughts keep racing, and I'm still crushed.

 

Just wish she would break the silence already and come back

[lylat333]

lylat333 - Thank you for the input - How are you handling the 20 days so far? you mentioned you broke the NC twice already..how has that been for you? what was the communication like?

 

Sorry it took me so long to respond! This is my first time being back on the website since Thursday.

 

After 9 days NC, I decided to write her a letter. Even though the last words I ever heard from her, 24 days ago now was, "Don't call me, don't message me, I can't handle this."

 

We used to FB message all the time, often fairly lengthy. For us I felt the letter was short, 1 page front and back. I decided it would be best not to mention "us", that I missed her, that I wanted to get back together, or any of that for fear it would just push her away. I opened up by keeping it lighthearted, and worked my way to apologizing for a couple of things I felt needed to be apologized for on my end. I didn't say anything to shift blame to her, I wanted this letter to be pressure-free.

 

At the end, I said that if she ever wanted to relax a little after work, maybe we could go out for frozen yogurt or ice cream which I know she loves. No acknowledgement of the letter. Since sending it, I've unsurprisingly second and triple-guessed everything I said in it and my approach.... or whether I should have sent it at all, but generally I am at peace with it.

 

Then, last week, day 19 of NC I decided to comment on a project she had recently completed. She and her family stained her house's unfinished basement floor which is something she had talked about wanting to do months ago. I was always excited for her about it, and I was happy to see her complete it. I decided to post a no-strings-attached pleasant compliment, which I knew her mom and sister would also see. I said, "You all did a good job! Looks great, xxx. :)" Again, no acknowledgement from her, but I can honestly say I wasn't expecting or necessarily hoping for one. I meant what I said and wanted to put one brick on the foundation of me being associated with something that was purely positive. (I don't think something like this is necessary for your situation) Her mom liked my comment and said something very nice back to me which warranted a reluctant follow-up comment from me. I have managed to resist calling, texting, messaging, showing up, etc. I also haven't said anything to any of her friends and family since the day after NC started.

 

At this point for me I use the NC because I'm too afraid to being rejected by her, so for me Im doing the nc out of fear - I just don't want to push her away more. I do not understand this whole "space" and "time" thing for me if someone loves you they stick it out...so this just confuses the $%^# out of me.

 

I understand how you feel and it's very confusing and upsetting to me, too. I have times where I want to call so bad, because I'm wondering if maybe she would want me to call. But I don't, partly because of how much it would hurt to face a total rejection, and her knowing that I am still out here essentially biding my time in the hopes she will eventually contact me. I'm pretty confident you're screwed in that situation. It doesn't have the effect of making them feel sorry for you and reconsider... it only affirms what their ego would hope is taking place. It's human nature to want other people to miss you. In a very subtle way, without pushing from the dumpee, the dumper needs to see higher value in the person they dumped and start to have feelings of regret and that they may have made a mistake. By not showing desire to contact them, they don't get the comforting feedback.

 

I feel an emptiness within my chest throughout each day - and everyday that passes really feels like an eternity.

 

Each day that passes my small glimmer of hope diminishes a bit - wish there was some magic spell to rewind this and "re-do" it so that she is not stuck in this unclear area of I need space...

 

Again, I know exactly how you feel. I'm sort of amazed that 24 days have passed for me. I am still very sad, confused... at times very depressed, and I've had several dreams about her followed up with brutal rude awakenings. I still have a tiny little flame of hope that she will get in touch and maybe everything will be OK. What I would give to go back 2 months, even though I know it is fruitless to hope for such a thing. I'm still in a sort of denial, I still feel so convinced the only just outcome is for this to work out. There is no evidence she is seeing anyone, but I have no idea what all has taken place since we actually broke up. I could handle her getting a little frisky with someone, but if she gave it up with another guy in recent past, I am doubtful as to whether or not I would attempt to overcome that. But that's all something I'm going to talk to my counselor about next time I see her...

 

My ex is someone with a lot of pride, and I fear with her personality type (not just personal delusion) she may not ever initiate contact again even if she missed me or wanted to. It hurts a lot and is almost inconceivable that she could move on as effortlessly as she seems to be after all we shared together.

 

Anyway... despite my intense struggles concerning another potential break of NC, I do believe that the surest way to get an ex back in a meaningful way is to allow them to miss you, wonder about you, and ultimately instill in them a feeling that they are losing control over a potential reconciliation.

 

Also, consider this... let's say a person breaks NC and their ex really did miss them and reacted positively. If they are already that close to coming back, chances are it would have just been a matter of time anyway. If they ever do turn that corner and want you back... I doubt it comes and goes so easy. They will make some sort of effort, if even a veiled one to gauge the situation.

Edited August 19, 2013 by lylat333

[cnb]

Anyway... despite my intense struggles concerning another potential break of NC, I do believe that the surest way to get an ex back in a meaningful way is to allow them to miss you, wonder about you, and ultimately instill in them a feeling that they are losing control over a potential reconciliation.

 

lylat333 - Thank you again for your input... I am just so afraid that there will be no "missing" of me at all and she will not return... - I'm so scared of that happening that it paralyzes me!!! I mean look, its been now 5 weeks since I last saw her, two days after our "space" I sent her a text - she responded very cold...

 

about two weeks later I was going to write her a very long text, after I was done writing it out, I decided not to send it..after I deleted the complete novel one letter remained (I) and instead of my finger touching the delete button it hit send...(boy was I pissed!!! I broke contact when in fact I had talked my self out of it)!!!

 

It has been about two weeks since that text (which of course I had no response from her anyway) I'm at a point now where it really gets under my skin to know she is out "doing her" and living her life doing what ever it is she is doing and here I sit stuck thinking about her all day/night hoping and preying that at some point she start to feel the loss of me and want to reach out.

 

Each day that passes by, is yet another day she has not reached out - and it makes me question every little thing she has ever told me!!!! Its driving me crazy, I just want her back!!! I wish there was something I could do to help speed this process along...

 

I'm trying to stay busy, I go out with friends and try to occupy my mind, but for some reason my mind and heart can't seem to let go of this, I want to fight for this so bad - but I also don't want to push her away more.

 

So many people have told me maybe she has someone else on the side thats why its so easy for her not to contact you and why its so easy for her to start to miss you because she is to occupied with someone else...

 

Its hard for me to swallow that, but I know at the end of the day it could be a possibility - just wish there was something I could do to help change this situation more sooner than later!!!

 

Some days are easier then others - but recently the days have been kind of hard - I feel like I'm always on the verge of crying and it fkn sucks.!.!.! I can only hope that she begins to feel half of the loss I feel and just comes back already...5 weeks so far and man it feels like just two days ago she wanted the space!!!

[lylat333]

You're welcome. I know I'm no expert, just someone trying to offer input based on my own experiences.

 

I too get frustrated, even very bitter about the fact that the past month has been so much harder for me than it has been for my ex. In fact, last Thursday as I was out on a drive, I got in this crazy mood where I started to feel really confident in myself. I was like... she's making a mistake by not working this out. And I've already told myself that if she does by chance ever initiate contact again, I'm not throwing myself at her. I even fantasized about telling her off, telling her some of the same stuff she told me, and tell her to sit back and wait 3 weeks before I get back to her with what I think so she feels some of what I felt.

 

I'm sure I got a little carried away with that, but I will say it might not be unhealthy to hold a little bitterness about her doing her own thing while you sit and wait, not having any clue how she's feeling. I went through a really tough time a couple of years ago, back when I used to journal a lot and I remember writing about how much better it felt to be angry and bitter rather than oh so sad. With anger comes a sort of drive, for me anyway, while the depths of depression is the last place I want to be.

 

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I almost assume my ex had to have some other option or interest on her radar that helped her detach from me, even though there is no evidence she's seeing anyone. Most people won't leave a relationship, even if it's dragging if they have no other options. It doesn't necessarily mean they already all but have you replaced, but they may have something they feel they can get that would be a better match for them.

 

If your ex does have something like this, which is certainly possible even if she isn't meaning to be nefarious, you contacting her is still not a good idea. It's positive reinforcement for whatever she's doing, which I have worried about since sending a letter to my ex. She could have been unfair to me in a way I don't even know about and yet I'm basically on the hook.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years a couple of years ago, it was not mutual when she moved out, she wanted to be with me so bad but in a twisted way, the more she fought the more it made me feel like I can take my time doing whatever I want. I can take 1, 2, 3+ months for perspective, and if I want to work it out the option is there. I actually felt I earned the position of power I was in. She posted a few depressing things on FB, (I still followed her fairly close) it makes me sick to think about it now but at the time each time I saw her depressed I think there was an internal clock that got reset when it came to me wanting to contact her. I'm pretty sure she can't move on without me. But, she did, and got into a relationship a couple of months after we broke up. It blindsided me and I was devastated beyond words. It was the craziest thing... as soon as I realized I didn't have control over her, I missed her like you wouldn't believe. Very selfish on my part and I was deeply regretful for a very long time.

 

Ironically, if she had been bitter towards me and I knew about it after we broke up, that's probably what would have given me more pause than anything. My ego was inflated, and I was proud of myself to have someone like her pining for me for that time.

 

So... even though it's hard, and your heart doesn't want to move on and may not be ready to move on, living well is ultimately a win-win for you. imo the dumper wants to see the dumpee sad, like I said they want to be missed. If she can see joy and fulfillment in your life, her ego will start to tick downwards towards normality, and it will make the grass on the other side of the fence that much less appealing.

 

That's what I'm trying to do anyway, who knows how much of an effect it's having on my ex, but I'm being very productive and positive. If you really think this can work and don't want to upset the balance of things, do not give in and break NC out of the blue. It might help to write down the reasons why you're doing no contact and why you shouldn't break it, that's something I've thought about doing.

Edited August 19, 2013 by lylat333

[cnb]

I know getting angry about the situation will help me "get over" the situation a bit quicker...and even my family is telling me to just let go of the emotions of it and walk away - but I truly feel this is my soulmate and I'm so freaking connected to all the stuff we have spoken about over the years its hard to think about this not actually happening at this point (us being together)...

 

Some say NC will help them miss you, others say NC is only good to help you move on - and the thought of moving on kinda takes hope and alternates it to faith while you disconnect from the situation...but isn't that counter intuitive?? I mean lets say I disconnect from this emotionally - I get mad/pissed/ what ever to help me break away from it...in essence I'm creating the exact thing I don't want to happen...and thats for our feelings to totally diminish?? no??

 

I mean if I break all emotional ties, walk away completely focus on me and do what I need to do (which is always a given) then I'm walking away from any real reconciliation right? I mean by then I'd be so pissed and over her that I wouldn't want to deal with what she had put me through (knowingly or not)... So how can this work in my favor except me doing for me?

 

How can this get her to come back? is she trying to do the same thing? has her feelings been cut like a light switch and she has other things going on occupying her time and emotions enough to totally walk away??? how does this stuff function...I'm totally at a complete loss her with this stuff...

 

I am doing the NC - but I truly don't understand it much... I feel like its only use is to help you move one completely and if I elect to doing just that how will I ever be able to bounce back to have the emotions to want to go back if an actual chance does arise?

 

One thing is for sure..I fkn hate the way I feel, I hate what this has done to me, and more-so I hate not being able to spend time with her, to look in her eyes when I kiss her, hold her near me...this just fkn sucks!!!!

 

I waited so long for this chance, and each day that goes by im fkn loosing my opportunity I hate this S**T!!!!

 

(sorry for the redundancy, this is the only way I can vent at the moment as I feel like no one in my family or friends circle can relate, or converse with me on... in fact everyone I have spoken with about this has been very cold with regard to "insight" all I get is --- "Leave it the fk alone stop thinking about it"

and for me, I need to not only think about it, but have conversations about it to come to some level of understanding or clarity...if was that easy not to think about this stuff I would!!!! but unfortunately I'm consumed with this stuff... I just really want her to come back!!!

[lylat333]

but I truly feel this is my soulmate and I'm so freaking connected to all the stuff we have spoken about over the years its hard to think about this not actually happening at this point (us being together)...

Very sympathetic to this as I am in a similar place. The whole time I've been thinking, "It can't end like this."

 

 

lets say I disconnect from this emotionally - I get mad/pissed/ what ever to help me break away from it...in essence I'm creating the exact thing I don't want to happen...and thats for our feelings to totally diminish?? no??

Funny that you mention this. Reminds me of when I read about making a list of your ex's pros and cons and it helps you see them in a more realistic light. I thought it would be a bit silly to discount my ex based on a few flaws, I'd hate to think she could justify leaving me just as easily.

 

I don't think you should have to trick yourself into believing something that isn't so, just saying that it's OK to take a step back and not shoulder so much of the emotional burden. It doesn't mean letting your feelings totally diminish, I don't think that ever really happens, for either person.

 

I mean if I break all emotional ties, walk away completely focus on me and do what I need to do (which is always a given) then I'm walking away from any real reconciliation right? I mean by then I'd be so pissed and over her that I wouldn't want to deal with what she had put me through (knowingly or not)... So how can this work in my favor except me doing for me?

Well, the plus side is you get "you" back. It seems to happen a lot that the ex comes back when you are finally truly over them and feel you could take them or leave them. That's not what we want, but... it's better than the current state of affairs. I've read a lot that if you do reconcile with an ex, it's best to look at getting together as a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one. I don't have a lot to offer concerning this because I've never re-entered a serious relationship.

 

How can this get her to come back? is she trying to do the same thing? has her feelings been cut like a light switch and she has other things going on occupying her time and emotions enough to totally walk away??? how does this stuff function...I'm totally at a complete loss her with this stuff...

For us it feels like they are actively trying to shut us out of their life, but I don't think that's how they think of it. Sadly I think we are giving ourselves too much credit, they don't have to fight to keep us out of their mind - we are just simply not at the top of their interest list for whatever reason. But, I feel I can understand and cope better if I think about the times I wasn't super happy with my ex. Months went by when I felt I could take or leave them, I was in a different place emotionally. So frustrating, because you want the other person to "snap out of it" and feel the same way you do. It's human nature to go through some different phases... if the feelings are real, and you really are the best thing for each other... I think it's only a matter of time until they come around, but it's tough. It feels like it's taking an eternity, if it's to even happen at all.

 

I am doing the NC - but I truly don't understand it much... I feel like its only use is to help you move one completely and if I elect to doing just that how will I ever be able to bounce back to have the emotions to want to go back if an actual chance does arise?

The emotions will probably be different. I wish my ex would pick up the phone and call/text me, but I have no control over that. I think you've done all you can do concerning contact with her. It takes 2 people... sometimes the other person is not who we thought and what we wanted.

 

One thing is for sure..I fkn hate the way I feel, I hate what this has done to me, and more-so I hate not being able to spend time with her, to look in her eyes when I kiss her, hold her near me...this just fkn sucks!!!!

You and me both, man. We haven't kissed in forever and when we used to it was amazing. I hate that we went for as long as we did without revisiting and reminding ourselves of that intimacy.

 

(sorry for the redundancy, this is the only way I can vent at the moment as I feel like no one in my family or friends circle can relate, or converse with me on... in fact everyone I have spoken with about this has been very cold with regard to "insight" all I get is --- "Leave it the fk alone stop thinking about it"

and for me, I need to not only think about it, but have conversations about it to come to some level of understanding or clarity...if was that easy not to think about this stuff I would!!!! but unfortunately I'm consumed with this stuff... I just really want her to come back!!!

Yeah, sometimes friends and family are not always the most understanding, and that's part of why I decided to start seeing a counselor which is not something I would have ever wanted to do in the past. But, I simply don't want to do it alone.

 

Thankfully most of my friends/family aren't so insensitive they minimize what I'm going through - I've read that's not the right thing to do to people who are grieving. What you are experiencing is normal even if others aren't understanding. Plus, some people love more and hurt more, they're more sensitive. I know I'm a very sensitive person and it's a double-edged sword - high highs and low lows. :|

 

Try to be easy on yourself. I usually feel a little bit better after going for a long walk or a run. Last Thursday I took ~1 hr. 40 min. walk, and topped the night off by treating myself to some Taco Bell. It doesn't take it all away, but it does make me feel better, even if just a little bit. For me I stay completely away from alcohol, and I don't do any other drugs. I play disc golf sometimes... it helps take my mind off things just to walk around my backyard practicing putting for an hour. That's the kind of thing I do. I've sent a couple of emails to people to catch up with them, give them something to brighten their day and let them know I'm thinking about them. Nice to give yourself more things to look forward to. Tonight I'm going to yet another new park, and taking pictures. That's been my thing since NC started, I'm visiting bunches of city and state parks and conservation areas which I've wanted to do for a long time but never did.

 

If money isn't a big problem, treat yourself to good meals or go out and buy some new clothes. I bought a couple of new t-shirts a week or so ago, first ones I had bought in over a year. Going back to my old fun, bright-colored care-free look. Also got a haircut at a place that does hot towel, shoulder massage, etc. Talking to someone new and having some form of contact does help get you out of your own head. I understand not wanting to forget or sweep it all under the rug, and it doesn't magically make the pain go away but it does help give me some breathing room and instill a sense of hope and confidence.

Edited August 19, 2013 by lylat333

[lastking]

Its tricky applying NC. I applied NC recently and when I met my ex girlfried, she told me that I wasnt trying hard enough/ didnt care to get her back. She interpreted NC differently . Hung in there!!!

[lylat333]

Why'd you have to say that lastking, now you've got me second-guessing myself again!

 

I've said before though that I don't think NC is always the best thing. It depends on the reasons for the breakup. If a person is dumped because they're not being sensitive/attentive enough, NC probably won't change the dumper's mind. If a person is dumped because they are becoming needy, breaking NC will likely backfire.

 

In my case, I felt like I suffered a bit from both... my ex and I became distant towards the end, then when I realized we were really starting to separate I started to fight and hoped to make her see that we should be together. It ended with her telling me not to call, text, message, etc... so I felt I had to go NC even though I still don't think my ex understands how much I love her and how strongly I feel. Coming up on a month of NC... I thought about writing again at that point to show her what I felt was not just a phase, but I don't want to do anything that's going to blow up in my face.

 

I suggest NC for this thread though, because she explicitly said when she is ready she will reach out. I feel pretty strongly that reaching out is only going to confuse her and reset that internal clock that says, "time to contact him now".

Edited August 20, 2013 by lylat333

[cnb]

Talking to someone new and having some form of contact does help get you out of your own head. I understand not wanting to forget or sweep it all under the rug, and it doesn't magically make the pain go away but it does help give me some breathing room and instill a sense of hope and confidence.

 

I try talking with friends when I meet up with them, some are very much willing to hear me out to help me get this stuff off my chest while others brush it under a rug and simply say "man, go find another chick and go sleep with them that will get your mind off her real quick".

 

I do try to keep myself busy to get out of my own head, but man that stuff is hard, each time I try to get into the mindset of what I'm doing...she always finds a way to creep into my thoughts and ruin any idea I had about not having any ideas of her!!!

 

I went fishing for a little while yesterday and the spot I went to there were loads of other fishermen we could see fish jumping and overall it was a nice day...until, she came into my mind and while I was sitting by the water all I could think about was her and I sitting by the water and how much I missed her and how she should have been with me fishing for just sitting and talking by the water - needless to say my mind started to race and it took the little joy I had to go out and do something away and I wound up packing it in and leaving cause I didn't want to look all emotional in-front of all these other fishermen.

 

people say over time it will get better/easier... but for me it just hasn't moved one bit either direction I feel like i'm fkn stuck in limbo...and I'm trying to have faith but the dark tunnel doesn't look like there is a light at the end of it...its like I'm falling into the dark abyss.

[cnb]

Its tricky applying NC. I applied NC recently and when I met my ex girlfried, she told me that I wasnt trying hard enough/ didnt care to get her back. She interpreted NC differently . Hung in there!!!

 

Man...I tell you - over the years she always complained to me saying that if I loved her I would fight for her and do anything I could to be with her...and this NC is going against everything that I know she is probably thinking about - I believe in her mind she prob feels the same as your lady did/does...and that scares the S***t out of me because if she only knew how I felt for her she would understand how hard this NC is - and more so realize that this whole time I have been fighting for her...for us - just not in the way she thinks it should be done.

 

I'm trying to hang in there, but I truly miss my baby - just want to be holding her in my arms right now...fkn hate missing her the way I do!!! hope she doesn't take this NC the wrong way and think that Im not there fighting so it means I don't care...I mean at the end of the day SHE is the one who said she wanted the space....not me.

[Angry bird]

Take a chill pill, son, lol. Your emotions are taking you for a ride. I get really anxious too, but its more because I worry about the "kid" (he can be self destructive at times). Let time iron out your anxiety and fear. You worrying is not going to get her back.

 

My Suggestion:

I would call her to check- in. Your ex is not a vindictive little Sh-t, she is going through a lot and needs a breather. Just check in on her, let her know if she needs you, you are here...BUT that's it. No relationship talk. Let it be simple. I bet she comes around.

 

Please don't tar and feather me for this advice:cool:

[cnb]

My Suggestion:

I would call her to check- in. Your ex is not a vindictive little Sh-t, she is going through a lot and needs a breather. Just check in on her, let her know if she needs you, you are here...BUT that's it. No relationship talk. Let it be simple. I bet she comes around.

 

Please don't tar and feather me for this advice:cool:

 

Hi Angry bird - Although I would love to call her or reach out in some way - #1 I'm scared of her reaction of possibly being cold to me... and #2 She asked for the space, not me - I feel like the only way I will know if everything she has ever told me was indeed true - now is the time for her to prove it by her actions...she wanted the space, she needs to break this ice...

 

Just wish she would do it already...I'm trying to be strong until that happens even though its breaking me inside.

[Angry bird]

How long has it been?

[cnb]

today has been about 5 weeks without me seeing her and really speaking with her.

[Angry bird]

Ok, see how you feel in another week, but I think you should contact her. I don't think you should let too much time pass with her.

 

Let the neediness subside within you, then send a "hello" or " u all good?"

 

Then put some space there.

 

 

She seems like a wounded soul...as you describe her.

[cnb]

Let the neediness subside within you, then send a "hello" or " u all good?"

 

I am to afraid to reach out to her...I don't think I can take the rejection from her, I feel like if I reach out it just gives her the upper hand to keep her self at a distance from me. As much as its killing me inside...I really need her to break the ice. This will help me see that everything we ever spoke about was indeed true, and since she asked for the space I feel like she should be the one to reach out. I didn't want this "space" so why should I run after her? I want her to miss me, and to call me to let me know she is doing just that...If she never calls then I will know everything she ever told me was just nonsense. So I sit and wait, and feel like complete S**T while doing so.

 

I just hope she starts to miss me more sooner then later!

[lylat333]

I feel like if I reach out it just gives her the upper hand to keep her self at a distance from me. As much as its killing me inside...I really need her to break the ice.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head right here, and it's what I was going to point out. I see where Angry bird is coming from too, but there's something wrong with cnb having to again stick his neck out for this to work. I know you said you would fight - but she also said she would reach out when she's ready, you know?

 

I really think that if her heart comes in this, she'll reach out. It should be so much easier for her than it would be for you.

 

All that said... and I now this is only going to add to the confusion... if your ex isn't a vindictive *** like Angry bird mentioned, I don't think it would be THAT big of a deal if you reached out. For me, having several weeks of space is enough for things to cool off. In the past I've been the dumper and had a short attention span with my ex, but I still loved and cared about her and if I sensed she was sincere I wouldn't freak out at her. cnb, if you do reach out, and I still don't think you should... and she reacts very poorly, that's not a good sign and will pretty much seal the deal between you two. In my situation I've had times where I would almost prefer that over the indefinite waiting... but I'm to the point now where I'm glad I haven't done anything to piss her off over the top and have her forever look down on me. I definitely feel I am regaining power and respect even if we don't reconcile.

Edited August 21, 2013 by lylat333

[cnb]

I really think that if her heart comes in this, she'll reach out. It should be so much easier for her than it would be for you.

 

Yeah, that's what I hope for...and I totally agree, for her it would be so much easier emotionally to reach out because she is the one who wanted this so the ball is basically in her court. As much as I want to go to her house and run up to her and pick her up and hug her and never let her go...I have to save that as nothing more then a thought at this point, and just hope she picks up that phone to call or send a text or to send me an email...something...anything... It truly does fkn suck but I'm trying to have faith in what we have, and hope she soon remembers everything we have ever spoken about over the years and the emotions of it all comes rushing back and consumes her being.!.!.

[Angry bird]

I think she loves you, but the broken marriage has here second guessing herself. She is in fear. She needs to know everything will be ok, no matter if you are just friends or more than friends.

 

* and I know you want more than friends

 

But, I'm telling you she is fragile and in fear of what will happen. Can she deal with another busted up marriage, the answer is no, so she keeps you at a distance out of fear, not NOT loving you. It is fear.

 

Tell her it's going to be ok, no matter what happens between the two of you.

I'm not saying set out to chase her. Continue giving her space.

 

In soul connections, one of the two always runs away.

Edited August 21, 2013 by Angry bird