Monodare1 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hi folks After my eventful text discussion with the soon to be ex wife, I now know that reconciliation is totally off the agenda. It makes me sad for my son and angry that she has everything and in left literally with the clothes on my back. For all of that, please see my recent posts. The thing that worries me is that I don't know where I go from here. Here in the uk, if you have kids under a certain age, you can't have a quickie divorce, you have to have a year of separation before you can start proceedings. Feel like its going to be a year of living in limbo until things can get properly sorted. What's next? Months of pain and solitude? The majority of my friends at my age (36) are attached except for one who has depression issues that hold him back from getting on with his life. I feel like I'm going to be stuck in a rut. Gas anyone been in a similar position? Do you batten down the hatches and get on with it or do you try and have fun with the time you have on your hands in between my visits from my son? I'll be the best dad I can be when I have him, but I need to know that there is some kind of happy future rather than the doom and gloom of now.
zoobadger Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I'm in a similar situation. I live in a big city which makes it easier, but I went out and got my own apartment near the kids and their mom. I joined a couple of dating sites and made contact with more women than I have time to meet in person. I've also been re-kindling some old friendships that withered away during my marriage. And I've been spending lots of time with my kids who enjoy staying at dad's apartment. This would be a lot harder if I didn't live in a big city, though. It's been disorienting, and I'm angry and bitter, of course. But the freedom is a big upside. Also, the law requiring some cooling off time when young kids are involved makes sense to me. My STBX and I decided to defer the legal process until we get our individual lives sorted out and we both get over the bitter emotions that could harm the kids. In the US we're not required to wait, but I get it. In a year, it'll be easier to be civil and rational.
FutureLT Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 First and foremost, neither of you are fortune tellers, if she's saying reconciliation is never going to happen, then she's very short-sighted. That's how she feels NOW, it's how you'll probably feel in a few months, and it's subject to change at any time. Secondly, you are going to go through a rough time, don't look at it as months of pain and misery, look at it as grieving the loss of someone you loved, just like you would grieve a death. It hurts, but you can't let it stop you from living your life. You will be happy again, and you will work your way back to a sense of normal. If you go about things in a healthy, productive manner, you will find that not only did you return to normal, but you're stronger, and better than you were before, and you're much more prepared for life in general. Getting through a tough experience like this is not a cake walk, but it's going to make any other tough experiences that much easier on you. Keep your chin up, and forge ahead.
MrE_UK Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Similar here too..am 35. Although, she hasn't ruled out reconciliation and has been talking about us trying again tonight, I am just getting on with my own life. She left me practically homeless and penniless; but, I understand her reasons - just don't agree she did it in the right way...however... I have no friends as have moved away from where we lived to live in a room with family. I have my clothes, PC, PS3, iPhone, my books and some Cds and DVDs. That's it! I've been out to bars and a club, joined a dating site to help build my self-esteem back up (not following any leads - just friendly chats), finished a book proposal and sent to agents, am writing a short story for a competition, I post on here, applying for that elusive job, have been accepted onto a Masters course at University, I go swimming once a week, a go browsing round the shops and for walks, going to counselling, resolving anxiety issues, losing weight, etc.,. Keep busy and work on things for you...it helps
Author Monodare1 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Hi Trying to get back on a positive, I'm working out hard and trying to get back down to a weight I was 10 years ago, now that I'm living back at the family home with my elderly father I'm reconnecting with all my friends I've had since childhood, gone to the cinema with them and bars and jogging/walking with them. Then when I see my son, despite severe lack of funds, I try to go somewhere or do something nice with him. It's just that at the age of 36, I'm afraid of ending up alone, with no one to share my life with. I don't want to jump headlong into another relationship, that would be foolish, but I'm lacking confidence due to everything that's happened and feel that I need a boost, I work full time and work hard at that, just feel I need something else in my life to fill the suddenly expansive free time I have during the week when I don't see my son. Maybe even need a bit of flirting with the opposite sex just to make me feel normal and desire able to women again, this relationship collectively ran for 5 years and I feel very rusty hen speaking to women and almost shy. My confidence has taken a severe knock and I just need almost a shot in the arm so to speak.
Tom amoss Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hi U It’s a hard slog, so be prepared for some hard work, I Am 47 and my wife left me after 24 years, 5 months ago. It totally floored me, and I’m still trying to get up. I envy your age. But even though I am having a very hard time, I still think deep down that I still have positive future. At times it’s very deep down. I am also in the UK, my only warning about dating sites is that they can be very depressing. You do have time on your hands to work on your self first. Don’t panic about not finding another girl. Hang in there, I, as do others here, really know how you feel. Tom
Shocked Suzie Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Over here too (AU) you have to wait 1 year... To be honest it's going pretty fast, but that connection feels like a ball and chain at times and when I think that I'm feeling much better, I then remember of what is still yet to come! Sorting out finances/selling up is not going to be fun... One way I've looked at it is that 1, at least I will be stronger emotionally by then and 2) hopefully the dust has settled a bit by then and things 'may' be settled in a more civil way... Here's hoping! Just take it a day at a time and have some probably needed you time... I now see I put myself 'as you do' at times with family life, at the back.... Looking forward to some me time and finding myself. SS x
ShannonBanana Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I'm sure the weather in Glasgow doesn't help with the depression! Hehe...I'm in Edinburgh so I'm in a slightly better boat than you. Although it's tough to see that door close, it will end up being what frees you. I think the concept of 'living in limbo' is merely a way you are choosing to look at it. There are plenty of things that are certain and good at THIS time and living in the present moment is going to end up freeing you too. Perhaps it's time to not worry about the next year and just take in the next day. The next week or this very moment. Bite size chunks, my friend! Re months of doom and gloom...I can totally relate. I had those same fears for about 5 minutes. And then I realised I have a lot I can work on, plans to make, and books to read, friends to see. If I were you, I'd keep focusing on the future you want *for yourself* (and of course your son) and the steps you need to take to get there. That way you will insure you get to that happy ending, whether it's with your wife or not. I wish you the best. I've been through break ups before and I can assure you with the right plan and some proper grieving, you will end up just great.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Well Shannon, I'm half and hauf, Father from Glasgow, Mother from Edinburgh so I hold no allegiance to either lol. Seriously though, I appreciate all thats said. I'm considering trying to pay off the credit card bill "she" run up and then taking some driving lessons to maybe help me see a bit more of my son, if I bought an old banger of a car to get me through maybe mid week to see him instead of just at weekends. I'm a member of a cheap boxing gym near my work and I'm considering joining an additional cheap gym near my fathers to keep me fit during the winter months and I'll be regularly seeing my friends. As the are all mostly attached it would be good for me to meet new people who are maybe in the same boat (single) so that I can make additional friends just in case later down the line I decide to dip my toe in the dating waters. Just want to be happy again for myself but more importantly my son. A happy me means a happy Daddy after all.
struass Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Hi Monodare1, I'm down the road in Ayrshire and in a similar situation, except for the fact I'm still in the family home with ex and my son until the 3rd September when I get to move into a flat. Im 35 this year and also at a low self confidence wise. We were together 9 years and I barely spoke to a women I didn't know during that time. I enjoy the companionship of a women (we all enjoy sex but that's not what I mean) so have no idea how to start again. It scares me. On the other hand my ex is stunning and could have pretty much any man she wants. That gets me down too. Like you, my son gets me through this. Im being very amicable right now so he is not affected too much. There will come a point tho. when I can't do it anymore as I feel she is playing me a bit. This is when reality will really hit home. I've got a tough few months ahead like you. FYI.....Ive still no idea why we're not together anymore. This makes me resentful as I don't accept you just fall out of love (after 9 years and 2 years after having a son).
zoobadger Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Hi It's just that at the age of 36, I'm afraid of ending up alone, with no one to share my life with. I'm 52 and, if anything, have had to be very upfront with dates that I'm not ready for an exclusive and committed relationship right now. My feeling is that a lot of couples keep it together for the kids then split up finally when the children are teens or starting college. So there are lots and lots of recently divorced women out there eager to make a new start. This is the LAST thing you should be worried about. Also, I had kids in my 40's so it's not like you can't start a new family, either. 36 is NOT old.
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