befree7 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I've been together with my wife for nearly 9 years and we've been married roughly 3 years. To be honest, the first year was great, but it has gone down hill considerably in the rest of years, each year seemingly intensifying a major depression I've been battling for half of my life. Looking back, I feel this relationship was not right, but somehow, my Catholic guilt forced me to keep trying to fit a square block into a round hole. I felt I had to make it work no matter what. My wife was really my first relationship and I tried hard to make it work, but it just feels the more I've tried to accommodate, the worse it has gotten. The last two months have been extremely stressful. We had been seeing a marriage counselor, she has been seeing a therapist, I've been seeing a therapist, and I've been seeing a psychiatrist to deal with depression issues, which I must admit, have gotten exponentially worse during the course of the relationship. My head is spinning from all the therapy sessions. About a month ago, I reached a breaking point and decided it would be better if I stayed in our guest room in order to get some space and collect my thoughts. I feel this has been pivotal as I've now drawn a line in the sand as I in no way, shape or form want to go back to the way the marriage was. It was a vacant, numb marriage, filled with endless errands and zoning out in front of the TV. My wife agrees and doesn't want to return to that life either. But now, with my time I've been thinking if the marriage is just not going to work at all. I'm 32 and would like to start a family at some point, but definitely want to start it with the right person. Further, I've developed feelings for a co-worker, who is also married and has difficulty with her marriage. The only difference is she has 3 children. I have no idea if the feeling is mutual and I wouldn't make a move on a married woman, but this just adds to my confusion. I find it so easy to talk and be myself with my co-worker and love our interactions, it fills me with so much joy and energy. It just makes me wonder if my marriage is just a bad fit of personalities and no amount of changing could fix. As I mentioned previously, this is really my first relationship and I've dealt with depression since I was 19. At this point, I just don't know what to do. My stomach has been in knots and my appetite and sleep have been greatly affected. Part of me wants to leave, but the other part is terrified of the great unknown, not to mention having to deal with the stigma of divorce, telling family and friends, etc. The last few years, she has been very unhappy and hinted at divorce, while I did my best to make it work. But the last two months, there has been a polar shift as the space I gave myself has led me to stopped trying to fix it and she has noticed this and has stepped up efforts on her part to save the marriage. She has never really been supporting in my battle with depression, but now that she has seen my behavior the last two months, has really tried to sympathize with what I've gone through and have apologized for her behavior. It's all well and good, but I feel at this point, the ship has sailed. My apologies for the long post. I'm not sure if it all makes sense, but I just wanted to put it out there in the universe and see if someone had some advice or was in a similar situation. I don't even know what the difference between separation and divorce would be. I'm just lost!
RightThere Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 My advice is definitely do not pursue anything with your co-worker until you've actually divorced/separated. That will just add a whole other layer of confusion to what is going on with you. It probably also feels a bit like a safety net (I leave my wife, maybe I can jump over to my co-worker). If the "ship has sailed" with your wife, then just get the formal processed of divorce completed and focus on yourself.
Author befree7 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 My advice is definitely do not pursue anything with your co-worker until you've actually divorced/separated. That will just add a whole other layer of confusion to what is going on with you. It probably also feels a bit like a safety net (I leave my wife, maybe I can jump over to my co-worker). If the "ship has sailed" with your wife, then just get the formal processed of divorce completed and focus on yourself. Hi Right There, Thank you for your response. To clarify, I don't plan on pursuing anything with my co-worker as she is married and has children. It's more of the fact that I was having feelings I hadn't had in years, which made me look at my marriage closer.
GorillaTheater Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hi Right There, To clarify, I don't plan on pursuing anything with my co-worker as she is married and has children. I'm glad to hear that, because I was preparing to unload. Just in case there's any doubt, DO NOT place this woman's marriage, family, husband and children in jeopardy. Don't be That Guy. I'm of the opinion that we, and you, can only objectively and calmly examine our marriages when we're free of the distraction (or fog, if you will) of feelings for others. Your marriage may well suck, and divorce may well be the best solution, but I'm not convinced you're in the best emotional and mental place to make any life-changing decisions. That's not meant to be a jab, I just want you to have true clarity.
Misadventure Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 It's more of the fact that I was having feelings I hadn't had in years, which made me look at my marriage closer. This is JMO...if there is love on your wife's said and on your side..then work on getting those feelings back..you can't do it alone though, try counseling. But do it before it's too late...(I am thinking from the wife's perspective)..she can't compete with your new envisioned fantasies with this woman..and yes you most likely have had them of "what if" with this lady..because she is still a mystery...she is not your wife....it's the newness...."butterflies" (I hate that phrase now)...but in reality you don't know this woman really especially in her marriage and private inner thoughts...she could be privately pummicing her feet, eating some ham on rye while nagging her H to cut the lawn...etc.. What I am saying is..have limited contact with this person and focus on your marriage (IF you want it) and more importantly get those "feelings" back. You have been together a long time..those feelings have evolved into a deeper love and companionship. But...you can do things to brink back the excitable feelings.. "dates"...try something new together..if you guys are intimate, try something new...if you have never worn velvet or sexy boxers or brief, wear them. Buy her something to wear. Heck, find a public place. Do something exciting together. No marriage is perfect and I don't know your wife's end or whats going on there but if there is even a chance for those feelings with your wife..you should take it...but you also have to be open to it.
Author befree7 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 This is JMO...if there is love on your wife's said and on your side..then work on getting those feelings back..you can't do it alone though, try counseling. But do it before it's too late...(I am thinking from the wife's perspective)..she can't compete with your new envisioned fantasies with this woman..and yes you most likely have had them of "what if" with this lady..because she is still a mystery...she is not your wife....it's the newness...."butterflies" (I hate that phrase now)...but in reality you don't know this woman really especially in her marriage and private inner thoughts...she could be privately pummicing her feet, eating some ham on rye while nagging her H to cut the lawn...etc.. What I am saying is..have limited contact with this person and focus on your marriage (IF you want it) and more importantly get those "feelings" back. You have been together a long time..those feelings have evolved into a deeper love and companionship. But...you can do things to brink back the excitable feelings.. "dates"...try something new together..if you guys are intimate, try something new...if you have never worn velvet or sexy boxers or brief, wear them. Buy her something to wear. Heck, find a public place. Do something exciting together. No marriage is perfect and I don't know your wife's end or whats going on there but if there is even a chance for those feelings with your wife..you should take it...but you also have to be open to it. I guess the problem is we've been doing counseling for a couple years now and I've seen my own counselor on and off for the past 8 years. I will say the counseling is helping a bit now that I've started to truly express myself. I'm not sure if I need to keep trying or if this is all a signal to move in a new direction. She had been the one the past few years saying we are just two different people and I feel the last couple months I've really absorbed that, which has her thrown off-guard because for years I was desperate to make things work.
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