Too much focus on if someone is "interested"??

[Lansing]

I find myself always thinking "is she maybe interested" when dating someone or getting to know someone. I am wondering what the best way is to get over this feeling of always analysing. People in the PUA scene (remember that big discussion ) always says to have options, the more girls you are talking to/dating the less you will be concerned about any one particular girl and then you won't develop oneitis and focus too much energy/though on the one girl. I kind of see some sense to that logic as a guy (because, whenever I have been talking to more than one girl things always seemed to flow better).

 

I find myself liking this one particular girl and I feel like I don't want to come across as a chump by not reading her signals or lack of signals. Like last week I emailed her some information about a movie we were talking about and also mentioned some other stuff (no direct question) and because she didn't even respond with a "thank you" I feel like she has no interest in engaging in conversation. I feel a strong desire to pull back completely now even though she did accept my last invite to hang out.

 

I guess just wondering at what point do you just not bother anymore. Is the ultimate "interest" barometer that the person accepts an invite out or does that just mean they are bored.

[Balzac]

I guess just wondering at what point do you just not bother anymore. Is the ultimate "interest" barometer that the person accepts an invite out or does that just mean they are bored.

 

I don't bother anymore when I determine they're incapable of engaging in interesting repartee. No, them accepting an invitation is not an ultimate interest barometer.

[Philosoraptor]

Make your interest clear and stop worrying about playing games. If you get a positive response, great. Pursue her. If you get a negative or no response, great. You know to move on and find someone else.

 

But drop the games, the PUA garbage, and just make your interest clear. You're doing nothing but wasting your time and brainpower worrying about playing a game.

[Skyraider829]

I find myself always thinking "is she maybe interested" when dating someone or getting to know someone. I am wondering what the best way is to get over this feeling of always analysing. People in the PUA scene (remember that big discussion ) always says to have options, the more girls you are talking to/dating the less you will be concerned about any one particular girl and then you won't develop oneitis and focus too much energy/though on the one girl. I kind of see some sense to that logic as a guy (because, whenever I have been talking to more than one girl things always seemed to flow better).

 

I find myself liking this one particular girl and I feel like I don't want to come across as a chump by not reading her signals or lack of signals. Like last week I emailed her some information about a movie we were talking about and also mentioned some other stuff (no direct question) and because she didn't even respond with a "thank you" I feel like she has no interest in engaging in conversation. I feel a strong desire to pull back completely now even though she did accept my last invite to hang out.

 

I guess just wondering at what point do you just not bother anymore. Is the ultimate "interest" barometer that the person accepts an invite out or does that just mean they are bored.

 

I like your question. You read my thread I think, didn't you?

 

I go back and forth over the same thing, except I'm not able to get with other women because of my present circumstances, so I can't branch out obviously which sucks.

 

When to stop pursuing is hard, because I think a range of problems of these forms comes up:

 

(A): The girl you are pursuing seems interested. But you are the one, to a fair degree, determining whether she is interested in you or not. This of course has to do with how blatant or subtle her hints may be towards you. If they are subtle, there is more ambiguity. If they're blatant - well, no need to think further. Continue the pursuit if you wish.

 

(B): The girl you are pursuing has difficulty expressing herself if she is interested because of personal factors. She has uncertainty in how she should indicate her interest or liking of you in a manner she deems will work - and come across the right way so as not to misconstrue her feelings. To you, being subject to perceptive errors, you think she is being distant and doesn't care about your presence at all, so why chase her? You decide, based on your assumptions, from her behavior which does not always reflect what she's got going on in the inside - to ditch the pursuit and go elsewhere. You let it slide and she now will either become more aggressive and get you to notice her, or if she tends towards shyness - she will just let things be as they are.

 

©: You are so swept up and infatuated by her, every civil and kind interaction she makes with you causes you to think she really does like you in a romantic fashion when she may not - as she's only being friendly. Or she does like you, but in the style of a friend more or less. If you are not aware of this, you may subconciously find yourself dropping hints to her in a romantic fashion which could (depending on how she receives those hints) drive her away from you.

 

(D): A girl really does like you, in a potentially romantic way. Yet even though you like her, you wish not to proceed too far in assumption as to think she does like you as you do her since you are aware of possible perceptive error. Hence, you refrain from interpreting possible hints that she means as flirting as mere friendly gestures and you do not "play along". Eventually, if you don't get the hint - she may either make it more clear to you that she likes you in which the ambiguity resolves, or she will assume - based on your actions and motives - that you do not like her, or see her as she sees you and she'll leave you alone.

 

Problem B and Problem D are reversible. Because if you do understand or figure out why she was sending mixed signals, you are now in a clear zone to go after her and reciprocate interest since you know she has the interest in you. Problem C is rectifiable, but it comes down to your own tact and the uniqueness of your situation.

Problem A is dependent upon interpersonal intelligence and people-reading skills. Everyone's different so, even though there are social norms (which are culture-dependent) that can be considered universals, that's not always the case.

 

When it comes to dating, actually no - not dating, but gauging intrigue from a person that you may like, there is no generalist approach in a lot of cases. Every person knows how to drop a hint, but where some have trouble is whether they should or not. And even though almost every girl knows how to let a guy know she likes him, every guy will receive the same information / indications, but when they sit and mull it over, everyone can come up with varying conclusions over the same thing.

 

Personally, I think its good to think over what she has shown, contemplate it - but don't get so involved with analysis that you overlook the simplicity of the solution.

Figuring her out is smart, but over-analysis if futlie. Usually it boils down to a "yes" or a "no". Sometimes a simple question is the best way. Get acquainted, get talking - and ask. But its up to you. Whatever works best.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Skyraider829

[Woop1337]

In my opinion, figuring out the interest of a woman is part of the process. It's the nature of the beast so to speak, no getting around it.

 

As far as I'm concerned he only true way to determine if she's into you. Is to ask her on a date. Even then that's not enough. She has to agree to go on several dates with you, before you even categorize it as legit interest from her. I noticed on your post, OP, you said you asked her to hang out. Friends hang out dude, ask her on a date.

 

Girls that like you will be receptive to the idea, of calling it a date.

 

On another note, more times than not. If you have to ask a woman if she likes you, the answer would be no. Because when a woman likes you, you'll know.

[RogerWallace111]

...are you actually interested in her?

 

Cause if you're engaging her just because she has a vagina and you might get to touch it, it's not worth putting up with an unenthusiastic girl who doesn't even act like she likes you. Hang out again & see if you actually enjoy her company. If so, but she's still not making it clear whether she's interested, be bold and test the waters however you see fit. If not, let her go.

[rocksteady85]

Alright, look man. I'm going to tell you a story about a girl I know, and a little bit about me.

 

First, me. I'm 28 SWM, degree in computer science and network security. I have a steady job. I drive a Mustang. I'm 6'1" and a bit pudgey than I'd like. But I have a great personality, I'm smart, witty, funny. I'm also geeky and nerdy.

 

So my little brother (who is 26) invites this girl over to a party. This is 3 years ago. She's average build, sort of quiet, but she gets along with everyone there. But what I noticed first about her was her confidence. She wasn't all dolled up like a hooker, but I could the guys just falling over themselves for her. She seemed pretty oblivious to it. Over the past couple years, I've run into this girl at other parties, at bars, etc. We never really talk, but she always talked to my friends, and my friends think she's really cool. I've always wanted to talk to her myself, but she's always got some guy (or multiple guys) around her. So I wrote her off. I hadn't seen her in a while (a year or more) until this weekend, when Saturday night out of the blue she sends me a message on Facebook, telling me that I fail at buying her a birthday drink!

 

Apparently she was at the same bar I was at earlier, and she tried to wave to me, but I didn't see her. Of course, I gave her some hassle about failing at getting my attention, that I can be completely oblivious. But I made a geek reference to a show that I liked, and to my surprise, SHE GOT IT. I'm pretty stoked. We talk about TV more, and I suggested that she watch Dexter, one of my favorite shows. I, of course, was perusing her Facebook photos over the past year or so, and HOLY COW she was hot. Pinup curves, longer hair, tattoos, fit. I also saw she was a nerd/geek too... and was a web developer! But lives about two hours away now, and was in town this weekend for her birthday. But I'm like, **** it. I'm gonna go for it. She initiated conversation with me, she clearly must like me... or so I thought I was deluding myself with positive reinforcement. I told her, "Watch three episodes, and if you can tell me with a straight face that you're not hooked, I'll take you out to dinner. Steaks." She says back, "Okay, but what if I DO like it? What do I get then?" AHA! So she's interested... or at least seeing how interested I AM. I told her if she liked it, then we could watch them together. If not, then I'll watch that show she likes but I haven't seen with her.

 

She asks me a few more questions about what I liked, and then next thing I know, its 4am. I tell her good night, I'll talk to her tomorrow, etc. Sunday, while I'm working, she texts me first. Tells me she's going out for drinks later, supposed to meet a few people out there for her birthday, says I'm more than welcome to join. I tell her I work til 9, but may get off early. She says she wasn't going to stay out all night, had to drive back to her town two hours away for work in the morning, drops me her phone number to hit her up when I got off work. YES! INTEREST!

 

I call her at 9 to let her know I was running late, work got held up, that I should see her by 10. She was cool with it, told me she wasn't planning on staying after 11 though. So I hauled ass to make it there before she left. I got there at 1015, with two of my boys, who are apparently HER friends too because they were all like "HEEEEY! HOW YOU DOING?! HUGGGGGS!" Of course, there were like, 4 guys talking to her already. But her attention was on me! She was smiling and bubbly and all this stuff. We had a great night, stayed until last call (12:45am). She offered to drop me off at my car (I had to park a few blocks away) and then we're just sitting in her SUV for a minute, not talking... that awkward silence... so I mustered up the balls and invited her back to my place, and she accepted ("Yeah... I probably shouldn't drive back to my city tonight.") We get to my place, she kicks off her pants and her shoes (leopard print skinny jeans, studded belt, plain black tank top, flats. Simple makeup, but her eyes... omg) and gets into my bed... and me being a drunk and horny guy, I pounced on her. She is an amazing kisser. She seemed really receptive to my advances to sleep with her, but unfortunately, alcoholic anatomy got the best of me. But she was really cool about it, and I admitted to her that I was never this forward, that I'm actually really shy! We ended up cuddling and watching Dexter on my phone before going to bed. She got up and got dressed at 730 that morning, I walked her out to her car, and all she said was "See ya." No hug, no kiss. Soooo... I was confused...

 

But later that day, she sent me a meme of a show she knew I liked. So maybe she really is interested in me... we didn't talk much Monday, but Tuesday, she texted me again, around 10pm. We talked for a good 2 hours, and I was even out at the bar with some friends! I tried to teasingly flirt, which I think I suck at because I come off as an ******* when I do it, but took it in stride and flipped it back on me, referencing the date I told her I would take her on... we haven't talked to today yet.

 

So what I'm saying is that if you're interested in her, the best thing to do is to assume she's interested in you too. Why? You're happier and bubblier and more fun to be around if you're not moping and pulling your hair out. And that will attract her interest. It will keep you from being obsessed with finding out of she's interested and keep you from being needy. We don't like needy women, women don't like needy guys.

[StanMusial]

Yes, you are too focused on it. Chances are there is nothing you could do or say (outside of extreme behaviors) that would change her level of interest in you at this point, whatever that level may be.

 

Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Let it all work out.

[Lansing]

Yeah, I do like her as a person. Besides the physical attraction she is just really down to earth, friendly, smart, funny, etc. The thing is, because of an age difference I figured I wouldn't be interested in her more than a friendship to start but she is proving to be more mature/interesting than I expected. Since she isn't that good in responding to non-invite messages I figured she probably isn't that interested but I guess I will ask her out again (dinner seems like too much pressure on things at this point) and see if she accepts and flirt a bit more,etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Nowdays I only care about how interested I am in them

[RogerWallace111]

Nowdays I only care about how interested I am in them

 

This is the attitude to have.

[masonlikethejar]

I am actually a dating consultant with an international dating company called A Foreign Affair. I always notice that this is pretty much the number one problem guys have in relationships or dating, the simply over think things bottom line. If you are constantly wondering if someone likes you enough she probably doesn't. In my experience both personally and professionally, if someone likes me I know and feel confident. Don't get me wrong I've had times where I've been blind sided and it hurts, nobody likes rejection, but the more comfortable you become with yourself the easier it will be to date and handle that rejection. Fortunately there are an immense amount of opportunities out there to date women. Everyone gets butterflies and has a momentary feeling of "does she like me?" You have to learn to be confident in yourself and not worry about it so much. Every person I've dated that was worth while had a mutual interest in me that was blatent and apparent. Every person I've dated that I couldn't tell whether she was interested in me or not within the first date I didn't try to pursue. I've noticed that more often than not (for both men and women) people are too afraid of letting someone down or telling them upfront that they just aren't that interested. People who seem flakey, don't return your messages or just don't seem as compelled as you are to see them again are usually not into you and are just too afraid to be upfront about it. Instead of letting it get to you, you should really try and pursue people who seem like they are just as interested in you as you are in them.

[Mr.Mango]

If you actively try and have interest in a few people at a time then you're less likely to home in on one too heavily. Since you're also scoping out multiple people, you have less time to play games. Follow everyone else's advice and just get to the point.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Honestly, I always just assume it's going to go nowhere. Yeah it may seem counterproductive and like I'm being way to negative but with zero expectations the pressure is off.

 

That too....