1.5 yr affair ended with him disappearing

[Oneforme33]

His contact grew less and less. He is going thru a separation unrelated to me. He continued to say he was interested and after NC for 17 days, he texted me. It's now been 21 more days of no contact. I have played it cool because I didn't want to burn bridges, but I broke NC Monday with an email offering a sexy overnight somewhere in Sept. I asked him to respond by Friday and no reply yet. I wish I hadn't sent it. I never wanted to seem desperate. If I let it go at this point, do I still have a chance to get him back? I deleted out shared email account and Im sure he'll eventually see that but I haven't deleted him from fb. Will he assume I'm angry? Why wouldn't he just tell me he was over it?

[Speakingofwhich]

If he's going through a separation his mind is probably elsewhere, frankly.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. It just means he needs to deal with getting separated right now.

 

You didn't blow it by contacting him but don't do it anymore. Give him the gift of space to deal with his issues. He'll contact you when he's ready.

[Pierre]

His contact grew less and less. He is going thru a separation unrelated to me. He continued to say he was interested and after NC for 17 days, he texted me. It's now been 21 more days of no contact. I have played it cool because I didn't want to burn bridges, but I broke NC Monday with an email offering a sexy overnight somewhere in Sept. I asked him to respond by Friday and no reply yet. I wish I hadn't sent it. I never wanted to seem desperate. If I let it go at this point, do I still have a chance to get him back? I deleted out shared email account and Im sure he'll eventually see that but I haven't deleted him from fb. Will he assume I'm angry? Why wouldn't he just tell me he was over it?

 

You were probably the catalyst he needed to get a divorce. However, he did not end the marriage to immediately be with you.

 

Now that he is free he may have a new perspective and may want to enjoy his freedom. Continue NC, there is not much else you can do at this time.

[findingnemo]

Or...he may be intelligent enough to leave you out of the separation and divorce. You should assume it's over though and move on. If he comes back with proof of divorce, then you start dating and get to know the real him without the lies.

 

And no...The email is not a big deal. Just don't make any further contact.

[Ladydrib]

His contact grew less and less. He is going thru a separation unrelated to me. He continued to say he was interested and after NC for 17 days, he texted me. It's now been 21 more days of no contact. I have played it cool because I didn't want to burn bridges, but I broke NC Monday with an email offering a sexy overnight somewhere in Sept. I asked him to respond by Friday and no reply yet. I wish I hadn't sent it. I never wanted to seem desperate. If I let it go at this point, do I still have a chance to get him back? I deleted out shared email account and Im sure he'll eventually see that but I haven't deleted him from fb. Will he assume I'm angry? Why wouldn't he just tell me he was over it?

 

"email offering a sexy overnight somewhere in Sept. I asked him to respond by Friday and no reply yet. I wish I hadn't sent it. I never wanted to seem desperate. If I let it go at this point, do I still have a chance to get him back?"

 

You regret chasing him and being desperate yet you are still worried about getting him back. If you continue to worry about that you will continue to be desperate. Forget what he's doing.

 

Why he won't tell you it's over? Two reasons possibly. 1. He wants to keep you as an option. Or 2. He simply could care less about what you are thinking/feeling. It could be both 1 and 2. Regardless it's all selfish behavior isn't it? This is not the behavior of someone who "loves" you. This is the behavior of someone who is self serving. And who cares if he said he loved you. Listening to his words will only hurt you because his actions are proving that he's liar.

[Oneforme33]

So he didn't respond. I did go ahead and delete him from my fb and deleted the app we had used to chat on as well as the google drive where we shared pics.

Now I have this urge to email saying I'm not angry and only deleted those things because it seemed best. Bad idea if I ever hope for him to come back? Would he contact me again anyway if he wanted to? What do you think his reaction was to my actions?

[2sunny]

Maybe he's not getting divorced?

 

Maybe he decided to work on his M? Maybe his wife found out about his OW (you) and demanded no contact!

 

IF that were the case and you offer up sex to him - can you imagine how she would feel if she read your "offer"?

 

Think about it - he hasn't contacted for some reason - and now you appear desperate by blatantly offering sex.

 

IF - IF he was divorcing - AND you were his PRIORITY - NOTHING would stop him from keeping in touch with you all day long - every day.

 

Date available men! You deserve the best - and to be a mans priority.

[Feb]

So he didn't respond. I did go ahead and delete him from my fb and deleted the app we had used to chat on as well as the google drive where we shared pics.

Now I have this urge to email saying I'm not angry and only deleted those things because it seemed best. Bad idea if I ever hope for him to come back? Would he contact me again anyway if he wanted to? What do you think his reaction was to my actions?

 

I'm glad you deleted him. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I am trying to help, but you do ask a lot of questions about what he is thinking, what he is feeling, what would he do in the future, etc. The other posters here threw out a few scenarios, but none of are your xMM so we'll never know for sure.

 

Here's what I'll say though. Actions speak louder than words. Short of being in a coma or dead, there is really no reason why he can't contact you. My xMM did the same thing -- the contact gradually became less and less, and I'd always give him hell for it. All it did was make me look needs, desperate, clingy and unattractive. He loved me for my free spirit and independence, and those traits in my were gone.

 

Many times I told him to just TELL ME if he wanted to end it, and he always said he didn't. Clearly he did want to end it or just lessen the intensity of the relationship...I'll never know why he didn't just tell me straight out instead of imposing LC or NC, but his reasons why just don't matter.

 

Do you really want this man back in your life? Even if he divorced and came to you, would you want a relationship with a man who go NC on you for so long? I think you need to take a hard look at you and him and see if you really want him (vs. being addicted to the A). If you logically don't want him, then how he reacts to your actions won't matter.

 

I know you have the urge to email, but DO NOT DO IT. Any further contact will just make it worse, and once you are out of the fog and look back at your texts, you will probably regret what you sent.

[wannabdone]

I remember the awful days of trying to seem like I wasn't desperate, but worried about every single thing that I did and how he would read into it.

Its quite frankly and horrible way to live girl!!

 

This is what these relationships do to ppl, they will take once very strong women and turn them into a person who acts like a 14 year old wearing braces, chasing the star football player who paid us a little attention one night at a party.

 

First thing you need to do, is take a step back and breath. And I don't mean a second breathe, I mean a good step back. Right out everything you just said in your post. Something like this:

 

Me: Worried that I hurt his feelings or he will think I am mad

Him: Hasn't stressed any concern or worry

Me: emailed him asking him for a night in September (ie reaching out to him, showing him attention)

Him: didn't respond, no email back.

 

Etc, etc, etc

 

Then look at it as you were looking at a power presentation for work. This will help take out the emotions to a point. Once you look at this, you can judge for yourself if you in fact look desperate. Or if he in fact doesn't seem to be concerned with you at this time.

 

Also, think about it if this was a friend telling you this same story... what would you say???

 

I know why you are here, I totally get it. I came here for the same reasons. To find comfort and support... however, the comfort and support you are looking for (which btw was the same kind I was looking for) are in the words of "I'm sure he is thinking of you", "I'm sure you didn't mess up", etc. However, when we get on here, we quickly learn that we are probably not going to get that, and really just get the truth of what ppl think about your situation. Sure, there are the extremist that will say he never loved you, and on and on. But, even the truth from the ppl (such as myself) hurts deeply, because its not the answer we want to hear.

 

The fact of the matter is, I think down deep you know the answer. I think down deep you know if you look desperate, and why he is going NC.

 

If you want the truth from me and how I see this, I think you do look/seem desperate. Why? Because you are. Aren't you? I also think he is NC because like someone else said, either his wife has found out, or he is not really getting separated. I think you know what your place is in his life, or there would not have been an offer of a "sexy night" or whatever you called it. Offering a night together a month or so down the road, is not a loving relationship. But, like I said I think you know all of this. And please know, I do not mean this from any place of trying to be mean, I am telling you this from someone who has been in your situation.

 

My suggestion to you... think about you, and stop thinking about him. Someone has to think about you, and its pretty darn clear he isn't concerned with how you feel. Go get some counseling, and learn how to love yourself sister. Because it is one thing I know, this isn't loving yourself.

 

On his end, the one thing I learned about my Xmm of 10 years... I do know he loved me, but never the less, he is still selfish. And in that, although he loved me as much as he could, his selfishness made it were he could not provide me what I needed. And although I still to this day love him and care for him, I know that him being that selfish to do the things just like your MM is doing to you, was nothing but a toxic relationship for me. And one that for my physical and mental health, can not go back to.

 

Please love yourself. That is the most important thing.

 

Whats the RuPaul saying "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love anyone else"....

 

hang in there. Keep us posted

[wannabdone]

I'm glad you deleted him. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I am trying to help, but you do ask a lot of questions about what he is thinking, what he is feeling, what would he do in the future, etc. The other posters here threw out a few scenarios, but none of are your xMM so we'll never know for sure.

 

Here's what I'll say though. Actions speak louder than words. Short of being in a coma or dead, there is really no reason why he can't contact you. My xMM did the same thing -- the contact gradually became less and less, and I'd always give him hell for it. All it did was make me look needs, desperate, clingy and unattractive. He loved me for my free spirit and independence, and those traits in my were gone.

 

Many times I told him to just TELL ME if he wanted to end it, and he always said he didn't. Clearly he did want to end it or just lessen the intensity of the relationship...I'll never know why he didn't just tell me straight out instead of imposing LC or NC, but his reasons why just don't matter.

 

Do you really want this man back in your life? Even if he divorced and came to you, would you want a relationship with a man who go NC on you for so long? I think you need to take a hard look at you and him and see if you really want him (vs. being addicted to the A). If you logically don't want him, then how he reacts to your actions won't matter.

 

I know you have the urge to email, but DO NOT DO IT. Any further contact will just make it worse, and once you are out of the fog and look back at your texts, you will probably regret what you sent.

 

 

This is a great reply Feb. So to the detail and much shorter than mine!! lol

 

But, they never tell you they want it to be over, why? Because they don't. They get the Alpha / dopamine from the AP, and the Beta oxytocin from their spouse. Together we both complete their needs and wants. Unfortunately unless you are wanting to be a sister wife, this type of thing can not continue. They never want to say its over because they always want to keep the door open.

 

I will never forget the time I met with my XMM's sister (and btw I apologize for my length posts, but am hoping my many years of pain can help someone out). His sister and I were friends, and this was about 5 months after he went NC. Now he had done this off and on for many years, his wife would find out again, he would "disappear" and then be back in about a month. It was so ridiculous I used to call him the "magic man". But I would always tell him "just tell me", I just want the respect for you to say its over. And then allow me to move on with my life. Well, the issue is several fold here.... 1- He's selfish and isn't going to say its over 2- he doesn't want it to be over 3- he wants to keep the door open 4- I'm asking for respect, when I am degrading myself to not only seeing a MM, but gladly taking scraps of a relationship, like a starving dog, and essentially in no way shape or form respecting myself (hello oxymoron) 5- why does he have to??? He can do as he pleases, go NC and then always come back to me. Anyway, back to his sister... when I met with her my XMM and I had never gone that long with NC, and I just said to her "I just don't know why he couldn't have said it to me, just let me go and let me have closure. I have asked him countless times to do this, and told him it was what I needed. I told him how low this made me feel that I can't even be respected enough for him to say goodbye", and her response was "Because he doesn't want to, he's wanting to keep the option open in case someday his W dies or something"....

 

OMG! My jaw must have been on the floor... but it all became so clear. Everything she said, made me know that everything I knew in my gut (the points above). Just like I had said in my earlier post, that she knows down deep... we all do, we just hope that we are wrong.

 

And again, I do know my XMM did love me. But he couldn't love me the way I needed. And that made it toxic.

 

Just as Feb wrote, do YOU want that kind of treatment in your life???

 

Start thinking of YOU. If he contacts you just tell him that when he gets his crap together, then you will see. Respect YOU, love YOU, honor YOU. YOU are so much better than a romp in bed a month away.

 

I remember when I met XMM, he was my boss, and when we would work on business deals he would always tell me "don't be scared to do something, you can't lose anything you don't have".... those last few words are haunting to me still to this day, that I couldn't see I never had him to lose in the beginning.

[Oneforme33]

Thank you all. You are wonderful helps. I do know he is separated from his wife. She is very angry with him and the separation had nothing to do with me. She never found out. I think he probably just fell lifeless on her, too. Anyway, Im pretty sure he has someone else. I saw that he had added a google plus account and has one contact and it is a woman who is 8 Years older than him and married.

[2sunny]

It's useful for moving forward - if you stop looking at what he's doing.

[Oneforme33]

It's useful for moving forward - if you stop looking at what he's doing.

 

Actually I saw this the day I deleted everything. Haven't looked at anything since.

[Cocochai]

Thank you all. You are wonderful helps. I do know he is separated from his wife. She is very angry with him and the separation had nothing to do with me. She never found out. I think he probably just fell lifeless on her, too. Anyway, Im pretty sure he has someone else. I saw that he had added a google plus account and has one contact and it is a woman who is 8 Years older than him and married.

 

Mines actually did the same thing but it was out of guilt on his part. I felt he was pulling away (everything was great), then his contact was zero 3 days in a row which usually doent happen. I texted him and told him "not cool to notlet me know what's up"... Then he pretty much said he wanted to focus on his family and our relatinship had to end. I was hurt to the core. He never responded to my last two messages to him.

 

He did contact me a month later to say how sorry he was for hurting me and he thought bout me everyday but he was trying to stop the A cold turkey because he was feeling "guilty" and getting caught up with me". I took him back but our A was never the same. He also did it again but this time I ended our A but Guys who communicate like this go off of on how they feel at the moment only to think about what there doing later. Which is why he felt guilty for cheating on his wfe I guess.

 

Take this as a sign of a person who doent take considerations for others feelings. He will prob contact you agin but if I were you, be prepared for this to happen again.

 

Your better off just moving on.

[Pastypop]

This is how cowards break-up. They don't want to deal with what they perceive as drama so they do this way without providing any type of reason.

[Cocochai]

This is how cowards break-up. They don't want to deal with what they perceive as drama so they do this way without providing any type of reason.

 

Exactly! It's there way of trying to bury their problems by not owning up to them. I'm sure it also drives their BS crazy as well because they force them to face problems in the M.

[2sunny]

This is how cowards break-up. They don't want to deal with what they perceive as drama so they do this way without providing any type of reason.

 

Conflict avoiders = they suck! It's not hard to just be honest.

[Feb]

Mines actually did the same thing but it was out of guilt on his part. I felt he was pulling away (everything was great), then his contact was zero 3 days in a row which usually doent happen. I texted him and told him "not cool to notlet me know what's up"... Then he pretty much said he wanted to focus on his family and our relatinship had to end. I was hurt to the core. He never responded to my last two messages to him.

 

Wow Cocochai, the same thing happened to me. Except my text to my xMM after the silence was a lot more psycho than yours. I texted a long note begging him to text me every day, but only because I worried about him, and I loved him sooooo much. I just needed to know he was safe and sound. Looking back, it was so pathetic. Of course he was safe and sound he just didn't want to text me. So embarrassing.

 

He did contact me a month later to say how sorry he was for hurting me and he thought bout me everyday but he was trying to stop the A cold turkey because he was feeling "guilty" and getting caught up with me". I took him back but our A was never the same. He also did it again but this time I ended our A but Guys who communicate like this go off of on how they feel at the moment only to think about what there doing later. Which is why he felt guilty for cheating on his wfe I guess.

 

 

I also took my xMM back, but the fact that he did it once (after promises that he would contact me every day and he knew it hurt me when he went silent), put a permanent scar on the relationship that affected us both. There was still lust, but a bit of distance and sadness there. Definitely a turning point. You totally nailed it about these guys. My xMM wasn't a bad guy and I don't want to vilify him and give him labels. However he is part of a large group of AP's that really feel for the moment, and worry about consequences later.

 

 

Take this as a sign of a person who doent take considerations for others feelings. He will prob contact you agin but if I were you, be prepared for this to happen again.

 

Your better off just moving on.

 

 

Couldn't have said this better myself. Just move on and don't second guess his actions.

[Cocochai]

I also took my xMM back, but the fact that he did it once (after promises that he would contact me every day and he knew it hurt me when he went silent), put a permanent scar on the relationship that affected us both. There was still lust, but a bit of distance and sadness there. Definitely a turning point. You totally nailed it about these guys. My xMM wasn't a bad guy and I don't want to vilify him and give him labels. However he is part of a large group of AP's that really feel for the moment, and worry about consequences later.

 

Exactly, I never trusted him to pull out like he did before so every time I felt myself getting attached, I broke off the A. That happened about two times until things got better again and then a possible Dday happened and then once again the guilt came in, on his part but I ended it for the best this time. His choice to block me out to reconnect w/ his BS. Everyone thinks he'll reach out again once the BS is convinced he's not doing anything but I'm Over It!!

[MissBee]

This is how cowards break-up. They don't want to deal with what they perceive as drama so they do this way without providing any type of reason.

 

I agree.

 

It's quite unsurprising that if a man claims he is over his marriage and instead of saying so he sneaks around and around, that he'll probably also do this with the A, in terms of slinking away so as not to have to deal with confrontation and explain he's done. This is often his way of dealing and it isn't about the woman he's seeing.

 

My own A ended with a gradual process of decreased contact until full NC. It was a bit different than your situation, in that I had broken it off twice before but tried the "friend" thing, which was really no different than normal, until he finally initiated final NC (well final for a year). I was very upset by the whole thing, as although I had ended it and wanted it to end, I did feel like he "disappeared" without a peep. However, it was a blessing in disguise which allowed me to move forward.

 

It's tough to not have "closure"; however, you do really get it from yourself. What he's showing you is obvious. He should have said it to you plainly, but his non-response is a form of being "plain" in a cowardly way. I understand you want to know if he will comer back and if he will be mad....it's normal but irrational. He has no reason to be angry. Why would you want him to come back anyway? But I get it...I think we go into some kind of post-breakup insanity where you just want this person back...but with time and NC it dissipates. Also PLEASE AVOID the urges to send incessant emails explaining yourself to a man who isn't responding and who did not send you even one email to explain anything. I didn't do that with my exAP, I sent him one email which helped me move on, but with another ex I did the whole emailing, explaining, even apologizing when HE was the one in the wrong. It made me soooooooooo upset at myself and I would never do that again...so please don't.

[Cocochai]

[/it's tough to not have "closure"; however, you do really get it from yourself. What he's showing you is obvious. He should have said it to you plainly, but his non-response is a form of being "plain" in a cowardly way. I understand you want to know if he will comer back and if he will be mad....it's normal but irrational. He has no reason to be angry. Why would you want him to come back anyway? But I get it...I think we go into some kind of post-breakup insanity where you just want this person back...but with time and NC it dissipates. Also PLEASE AVOID the urges to send incessant emails explaining yourself to a man who isn't responding and who did not send you even one email to explain anything. I didn't do that with my exAP, I sent him one email which helped me move on, but with another ex I did the whole emailing, explaining, even apologizing when HE was the one in the wrong. It made me soooooooooo upset at myself and I would never do that again...so please don't.QUOTE]

 

 

I do agree to send ONE text/email (which also helped me move on), but that's not to say whether or not he'll care to read it or care at all. It's all about helping yourself move on and let him know how your feeling. Your proper closure.

 

Sending tons of emails being that your worried and want an answer is needy and I think feeds his ego. If he's insensative to have you worry, that's a true sign of his character.

 

Just be prepared in case he contacts you down the road. They usually do once they see a propse of you in being in their world again. My way or the highway.

[Oneforme33]

Thanks, guys. I'm really having a rough day. I've lost 5lbs, my face is broken out from stress and Im not sleeping well. It's so hard to accept that he could say he loved me just a month ago and then not care that Id obviously be hurt by his lack of contact & concern. It's so different and heartless compared to the person I knew. Especially with no arguments or no warning/reason behind his loss of interest. Im not contacting. Just need to get thru the pain..

[Cocochai]

Thanks, guys. I'm really having a rough day. I've lost 5lbs, my face is broken out from stress and Im not sleeping well. It's so hard to accept that he could say he loved me just a month ago and then not care that Id obviously be hurt by his lack of contact & concern. It's so different and heartless compared to the person I knew. Especially with no arguments or no warning/reason behind his loss of interest. Im not contacting. Just need to get thru the pain..

 

That's why I said he'll be reaching out again once everything dies down on his end.. Shellfish.

 

(((Hugs)))) I pray you'll get over this but I know the truth. It's going to be ups/downs because there was simply no closure on his part. Try everything you can to take your mind of him and the situation. Write down your thoughts, try a new hairstyle, get a pet, just do everything you can to be happy and move on.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Thanks, guys. I'm really having a rough day. I've lost 5lbs, my face is broken out from stress and Im not sleeping well. It's so hard to accept that he could say he loved me just a month ago and then not care that Id obviously be hurt by his lack of contact & concern. It's so different and heartless compared to the person I knew. Especially with no arguments or no warning/reason behind his loss of interest. Im not contacting. Just need to get thru the pain..

 

Oneforme, you are doing amazing!! You've been through two bouts of sudden no contact for unknown reasons plus some unanswered questions and you're still standing strong. My xAP went dark over a week ago for no reason. One day we are having a nice conversation and the next he disappears and as much as its killing me, I cannot contact him. A wonderful poster on another thread of mine recommended the book, Surviving Your Breakup by Susan Elliot. I downloaded it on my ipad and read it in 2 days. It's an amazing resource. One thing she stressed throughout us that closure comes from within. And no matter how badly you want to send that last email, last text, etc, don't do it because it won't matter. Or write it out and post it here but don't send it.

[movingon45]

Stop trying to get him back. It makes you very needy and that is never attractive.

 

 

LOVE this quote! He knows how to contact you and he will if he wants to. I'm going through the same thing. I just have to accept when it's over. No explanation or closures needed from him. I get it.

 

It's painful. Hugs to you!