Ex GF wants to keep being friends. What do I do?

[Bh7887103]

Hi everybody,

 

I am new and this will be my first post.

 

I am confused on what's going on right now. My ex GF of 4 years broke up with me 2 months ago. At first I was needy and begging her to get back with me but all she really wanted to be was friends. So I accepted what she wanted and became friends. Than i started the NC to her and she asked me why I wasn't texting her anymore and why i didn't want to talk with her. I told her either we get together or we won't talk. And she kept bugging me about it and said that I have no choice and that I need to be her friend. She said she doesn't want to get back with me and that I need to win her heart back again because she has forgiven me so many times and said that she doesn't want to take me back right away and wants me to win her heart back. What should I do? She is very close to my family and still hangs out with them and keep contact. She still talks to my grandma and all my cousins. She said she doesn't want to be complete strangers because she said its sad. Should I keep being her friend and try to win her back? When we first got together we would always talk on the phone everyday for hours. But how can I win her back when we barely even talk or text about anything. All we talk is how is the day and sometimes it takes her a long time to text me back. What should I do? Should I tell her if she wants me to win her heart back is by being together and to let me try? Should I just continue to be friends? Please help I'm confused right now

Edited August 14, 2013 by Bh7887103

[Philosoraptor]

Why did she break up with you? If she ended the relationship she needs to be the one to reestablish it. Right now it seems like she is lonely and using you to get over you. You need to put your foot down and let her know that she either needs to be 100% willing to reestablish this relationship or you are cutting contact. This isn't some game she can just play around with and any middle ground is just going to cause you unecessary pain.

[Bh7887103]

Why did she break up with you? If she ended the relationship she needs to be the one to reestablish it. Right now it seems like she is lonely and using you to get over you. You need to put your foot down and let her know that she either needs to be 100% willing to reestablish this relationship or you are cutting contact. This isn't some game she can just play around with and any middle ground is just going to cause you unecessary pain.

 

She broke up for a reason because I wasn't a good bf to her. We would fight every week and one day I got so upset with her and I raised my voice at her and she got tired of it. She was my first love and we got too comfortable. I learned from it but she just wants to keep being friends. What should I say to her?

[CarrieT]

What should I say to her?

Tell her that being friends with her is just too painful for you right now. That you wish her well but that you need your space and time apart to heal.

[Bh7887103]

Tell her that being friends with her is just too painful for you right now. That you wish her well but that you need your space and time apart to heal.

 

Should I tell her over the phone or in person?

[JDPT]

She will like this transition to be smooth for her by keeping you around as a crutch. She gives an excuse for not keeping in touch as being "sad" yes maybe sad for her because she is looking out for her own emotional being. An the fact that she doesn't reply to texts or does not talk to you as often is a clear signal that she is keeping your very marginal and only chooses to reach out to you when need be, in other words only when she feels weak and lonely and convenient for her. I can read through the lines and see how strategically she is making you believe that it's ok to be friends after breaking up but believe you me, once she feels stable enough or finds someone new, out the door you will go buddy. Remain strong and in NC, make this time work for you in improving yourself and accomplishing all the things you will like in life but weren't able as you were stuck in this relationship. You will have weak moments, we all do, but it's how you handle those weak moments that will help you become and new and improved you.

[keithkat]

If you want her back then tell her you want to start over again. Clean slates. Ask her for a first date, maybe? :-)

 

Or if you really want to break up, then tell her you need some time and space to heal, and you'll give plain friendship a try after you've moved on.

[Bh7887103]

She will like this transition to be smooth for her by keeping you around as a crutch. She gives an excuse for not keeping in touch as being "sad" yes maybe sad for her because she is looking out for her own emotional being. An the fact that she doesn't reply to texts or does not talk to you as often is a clear signal that she is keeping your very marginal and only chooses to reach out to you when need be, in other words only when she feels weak and lonely and convenient for her. I can read through the lines and see how strategically she is making you believe that it's ok to be friends after breaking up but believe you me, once she feels stable enough or finds someone new, out the door you will go buddy. Remain strong and in NC, make this time work for you in improving yourself and accomplishing all the things you will like in life but weren't able as you were stuck in this relationship. You will have weak moments, we all do, but it's how you handle those weak moments that will help you become and new and improved you.

 

 

Do u recommend me to text her or talk to her in person that ima set her free and don't want to be friends?

[JDPT]

Do u recommend me to text her or talk to her in person that ima set her free and don't want to be friends?

 

It appears that you will like to put an end to this and if this is your true intention then quiet honestly you have absolutely nothing to explain to her. You are doing this for no one else but you. There are certain times in life when you have to do what's best for you and you only. It may sound harsh but this is the most effective way to get your point across. Some may call it "cold shoulder" or "silent treatment" or what have you, bottom line is that at this point you are all that matters. We tend to become extremely emotional going through our break ups and fail to objectively analyze what occurred during the relationship. I can only suggest to move along with your life, she will eventually understand what your intentions are and will move forward with her life as well. Be strong, the worst is yet to come, we are all here for you.

[Zahara]

Do u recommend me to text her or talk to her in person that ima set her free and don't want to be friends?

 

Pick up phone and call her. No need to talk in person.

[mtnbiker3000]

She has indicated to you that she no longer wants to be with you. Now, you should begin complete and absolute NC. Don't explain what you are doing. Just do it. If this bothers her, too bad. This is NOW ABOUT YOU. You need to look out for you, as she is not. Just stop all contact. Forever. She will wonder and ask you why you are doing this. She will call you names, like immature and petty. All very typical.

 

Later, after you have healed and become indifferent, you may choose to re-establish a friendship.

 

Is this easy? Not for most. But it will help you. It is the ONLY thing that will help you. You will face many challenges in the next few months, but if you stick to NC, you will recover faster and more completely. Just spend some time reading the posts around here. However, if you remain in contact (either initiating contact or responding to her breadcrumbs) you will die a slow painful death. Again, just read and learn, if you don't believe me... Oh, and I know first hand too. 5 months NC

[Chi townD]

Basically, she doesn't want to be with you, but she wants to keep you on that leash. For you to continue to provide emotional support to her. She's using you because she isn't set up with someone else right now. But, once she finds someone else to fill that role, your "friendship" gets tossed to the curb.

 

She sounds like the type of person that HAS to have someone in her life. And she doesn't want to put herself in a bad light with your family that she's extremely close with.

 

You don't have to win her back. It was her choice to kick you to the curb. She made the choice to have you out of her life. So, you give her exactly that.

 

If you tell her anything, just say that you can't be friends with her while you still have romantic feelings towards her. How is she going to argue that?

[Bh7887103]

She has indicated to you that she no longer wants to be with you. Now, you should begin complete and absolute NC. Don't explain what you are doing. Just do it. If this bothers her, too bad. This is NOW ABOUT YOU. You need to look out for you, as she is not. Just stop all contact. Forever. She will wonder and ask you why you are doing this. She will call you names, like immature and petty. All very typical.

 

Later, after you have healed and become indifferent, you may choose to re-establish a friendship.

 

Is this easy? Not for most. But it will help you. It is the ONLY thing that will help you. You will face many challenges in the next few months, but if you stick to NC, you will recover faster and more completely. Just spend some time reading the posts around here. However, if you remain in contact (either initiating contact or responding to her breadcrumbs) you will die a slow painful death. Again, just read and learn, if you don't believe me... Oh, and I know first hand too. 5 months NC

 

Thank you guys. Also couple of days ago I got into an accident and went to the hospital. I called my ex and she went right away and started crying for me. Does that mean she still cares for me? I'm just wondering why she would come when she doesn't want to be with me

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, she's manipulating you. She's trying to use you to get over you. Stay strong and don't cave. You don't owe her a thing. She is the one who broken up with you -- all you are doing is giving her what she wanted.

[JDPT]

Whatever happens from this point forward, it could be the end of the world tomorrow, you DO NOT call contact her in any way email, text, call, smoke signals, nothing. There is no need to touch base with her any further you two are no longer an item. I guarantee you, hypothetically speaking if I was to contact my ex telling I have "cancer" you know what she would do? absolutely nothing, not a reply, nada. Why? because she is not in a position in which she could care for me and I the same. If she was to contact me with something terrible that may have occurred in her life, I wouldn't reply, why? because to be honest there isn't anything I can do for her anymore, I may care or feel bad, yes I'm human but I wouldn't reply to her. She had no mercy with me and I should apply the same. Be strong and post here when you get the urge.

[BC1980]

You have to remember that your ex really forfeits any obligation that you have to them. They are neither friend nor family. It's just the reality of dating someone and then breaking up. There is no in between anymore unfortunately.

 

My ex tried all of this. Saying let's be friends because he couldn't stand the thought of not seeing me again. It's selfish. Really, he was trying to ease his transition into being single and make himself not feel so bad about what happened. Speaking from experience, go cold turkey. I can't say I have always been successful because I have answered some of his texts and calls, but it ended up causing me more stress in the end.

[darkmoon]

if you want any new girlfriend you get to stay with you, this ex needs to go, no woman is going to like the woman you once f*cked to be around, not to the extent that you have to play (pretend) friends, she likes to get her own way, and so far she has it too

 

if she must stay in touch with your family they need to know that, no, you personally do not want to know her, do not tell me that you are in everybody's thrall but your own, I hope your family recognise your thrall problem, really

Edited August 15, 2013 by darkmoon

[cavalier99]

You are being used. Tell her the f*ck off and dont contact you again or your family. She broke up with you dude. You need to grow a pair and get on with your life. What a load of crap that you need to win her back. When?? All While she ****s other guys and looks for a new relationship while leaning on you for emotional support. F*ck that BS.

 

Sorry man. I know it isnt easy. Go hard core NC and block her on everything. Rock on! Cav

[Bh7887103]

Thank you guys for putting your input. Sorry for the late reply. Here is an update. I stopped talking with her and for 4 days later I saw her. She stopped but I kept on walking to ignore me. She texted me how come I can't say hi. I didn't respond back than 3 hours later she called me again but I didn't respond. But the next day stupid me talked to her. And we went out the next day I took her out to eat than we went to my house and we had sex. After that she said she feel it wasn't right. She liked the making out part but not the sex and it wasn't right. I felt I made a big mistake and the next day we went out again. I took her out to eat and as stupid as I am I bought her some shoes and a shirt that costed total of 100. I am kicking myself for it. I told her what I felt for her and that i still care and that even if weren't talking that I was waiting for her to ever tell me she has a new man or to be with me before I ever look for another girl. Do u think that was a wrong thing I said? The next day we started texting again but not as much and at night she said thank you for buying her shoes and that she will pay me back one day and said that sometimes saying thank you isn't enough and knows that I want more but it sucks because she can't give me more. She said she just wants me to be patient with her and said sorry cuz I bought her stuff and she just wanted to truly say thank you to me. Should I do the no contact again? I messed up. I just really love her and I have in. I didn't talk to her for a couple days and just ended up seeing her. Idk what to

Do anymore.

[Onward_Upward]

I can see some of you guys have missed the point, just a bit...

 

Reading between the lines of the OP's post, it seems clear to me that she broke up with him BECAUSE of mistakes he's made... He admitted that he used to yell at her too much, after taking her for granted...

 

It seems pretty obvious that the reason she said they should remain "friends" is because she is giving him a chance to "make amends"...

 

I think that if the OP genuinely loves this woman, then he needs to take things slowly, and indeed, remain friends with her. He also needs to think about his past actions with her, and try to figure out where he went "wrong"....

 

OP: If you think she's worth your while, then remain friends with her (as she has suggested), and try to work things out. But if you've moved on (emotionally and intellectually), then give her the respect she deserves, and be open about it...

 

And please... don't "yell" at her

[Bh7887103]

I can see some of you guys have missed the point, just a bit...

 

Reading between the lines of the OP's post, it seems clear to me that she broke up with him BECAUSE of mistakes he's made... He admitted that he used to yell at her too much, after taking her for granted...

 

It seems pretty obvious that the reason she said they should remain "friends" is because she is giving him a chance to "make amends"...

 

I think that if the OP genuinely loves this woman, then he needs to take things slowly, and indeed, remain friends with her. He also needs to think about his past actions with her, and try to figure out where he went "wrong"....

 

OP: If you think she's worth your while, then remain friends with her (as she has suggested), and try to work things out. But if you've moved on (emotionally and intellectually), then give her the respect she deserves, and be open about it...

 

And please... don't "yell" at her

 

 

 

Thank you. I think I showed her too much that I cared. When you said to take things slowly did you mean not to go out at much. I really don't know what to do from this point on. She also told me if I had sex with other girls and that she would be pissed if I did and she will

Never talk to me again. She also said she let me have sex with her

At that time so I won't have sec with other girls. I just don't know what to do.

[Soat]

Thank you. I think I showed her too much that I cared. When you said to take things slowly did you mean not to go out at much. I really don't know what to do from this point on. She also told me if I had sex with other girls and that she would be pissed if I did and she will

Never talk to me again. She also said she let me have sex with her

At that time so I won't have sec with other girls. I just don't know what to do.

 

Suggest you see my guide below http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418580-my-7-step-guide-breakups

[Onward_Upward]

... She also told me if I had sex with other girls and that she would be pissed if I did and she will

Never talk to me again. ... She also said she let me have sex with her

At that time so I won't have sec with other girls...

 

This also proves what I was saying... She doesn't want to let you go, but she was probably at her wits end, and didn't know how the two of you could break out of the vicious cycle you had gotten into. As such, she said (or insisted, as you put it): "Let's just remain friends..."

 

And my guess is she insisted on this because she still loves you, and is holding onto hope that you can one day get back together.

 

Now, you are the only one who knows what truly happened between you and her. There's always two sides to every story, but I can see that you admit you use to take her for granted, and get into fights, etc...

 

You need take a step back and firstly decide if you still love her... Do you still want to be with her? Because if you do, then you need to think about where things went wrong... When did they start to turn "sour"?

 

And (if you were at fault), can you improve your behavior? Are you willing to apologize to her, and to reconciliate?

 

If you think she's worth it, then start this process right now...

 

Again, don't make any moves until your thinking is clear... Go back over all the arguments she use to put to you (You know, those points you dismiss when you're pissed off with her)... Think about what she said, and really take it to heart and analyze it.

 

If you think she's worth it, then "have at it", my friend!

Edited August 22, 2013 by Onward_Upward

[Bh7887103]

I know what I did and I have told her and she always says action speaks louder than words. I have begged and cried for her before when she broke up with me. Now I don't know what to do and about me being patient. I'm just lost and don't know what to do. Should I continue to be friends cuz right now she knows she can have me anytime cuz I showed her

[alphabetagamma]

Thank you guys for putting your input. Sorry for the late reply. Here is an update. I stopped talking with her and for 4 days later I saw her. She stopped but I kept on walking to ignore me. She texted me how come I can't say hi. I didn't respond back than 3 hours later she called me again but I didn't respond. But the next day stupid me talked to her. And we went out the next day I took her out to eat than we went to my house and we had sex. After that she said she feel it wasn't right. She liked the making out part but not the sex and it wasn't right. I felt I made a big mistake and the next day we went out again. I took her out to eat and as stupid as I am I bought her some shoes and a shirt that costed total of 100. I am kicking myself for it. I told her what I felt for her and that i still care and that even if weren't talking that I was waiting for her to ever tell me she has a new man or to be with me before I ever look for another girl. Do u think that was a wrong thing I said? The next day we started texting again but not as much and at night she said thank you for buying her shoes and that she will pay me back one day and said that sometimes saying thank you isn't enough and knows that I want more but it sucks because she can't give me more. She said she just wants me to be patient with her and said sorry cuz I bought her stuff and she just wanted to truly say thank you to me. Should I do the no contact again? I messed up. I just really love her and I have in. I didn't talk to her for a couple days and just ended up seeing her. Idk what to

Do anymore.

 

No offence, but this almost the same that I did to my EX.

 

Although she is with rebound now. I just didn't know what to do. I played hot a cold games with her for a whole month. At first I tried NC, managed to be in NC over 10 days then I broke down, met her, bought her stuff etc.

 

She kept telling me that if I stick around and show her that I'm changed then I can become from friends to relationship.

 

LoL, I believed her BS and I started to seduce her, nothing really helped.

 

After a week of trying to be "better" for her, I finally let her go. I told her that I accept your rebound, but I'm no longer available for you.

 

Now I'm in NC. The good thing about NC is that you can't really do any wrong or right actions. You just are, and she keeps wondering what are your feelings, she will have seconds thoughts etc, but that's cool with you.

 

Right now she is calling me. It makes me feel good since she is missing me already, but I don't actually give ****.

 

You just move on, like barky advised.