Lonely (?) 16 yo

[Silly_Girl]

My son has always been fairly mature, and he inherited his mum's sensitive side, but is laid-back like his dad. Being an only child he's fairly self-sufficient and doesn't crave company like some folk do.

 

He came out as bi last summer and was so very relieved and things seemed to settle down quite quickly. At that point he seemed to be very comfortable in himself and starting socialising a heck of a lot more than he ever had. I was pleased. Since then, however, a lad at school spread some rumours about my son (I think) and it was fairly serious and the teachers had a word with him. My son and this boy had been good friends, he'd stayed several times and we'd taken him away for the weekend. My son says he doesn't know (or care) what was said, he'd moved on and was being polite to the other kid, if nothing else to 'win' i.e. to be the bigger person and try and prevent things escalating.

 

I think his social life has suffered as a result.

 

My son insists it's his cystic acne. Which is truly awful. It's heart-breaking. The consultant is trying so hard to get it under control. He has blackheads, and zits, and then cysts that flare up, are sometimes purple or weep pus and can be greeny-yellow. It's awful. Plus he's 6ft 6, he can't simply hide among the crowd, he stands out wherever he goes.

 

He's barely seen any friends this summer. He takes his Duke of Edinburgh Award training seriously, but his friends don't, they do the bare minimum, so he's ended up doing stuff on his own, or with me.

 

I have talked to him, he says he doesn't want to do the things his friends are doing, and that I probably wouldn't want him doing them either (drinking, smoking, having sex). He insists he's not lonely. I am sure he is. We offer for him to bring a friend regularly, when the 3 of us go out for the day or try a new restaurant, there's no one. I guess his friends aren't doing that type of thing at 16.

 

We talk and he rationally knows the things he could do to improve things (clubs to join, make more effort, get in more of a routine of getting up and out) but he's lost his mo-jo. He stays in the house, watches box-sets of Dexter and reads science books. He's actually a very socially capable lad who enjoys meeting new people but he says he's lost his confidence now and feels vulnerable and nervous. He's not quite a hermit but it's getting that way

 

I spoke to his consultant at the hospital yesterday, in front of him, about this. She's upped his meds to try and bring the skin down before school goes back. I don't think that's the reason at all, but it might have a placebo effect, and it might help trigger a change in him. We've been shopping and bought new clothes he really likes and I've given him money for a new haircut, just to try and give him a boost about his appearance.

 

My counsellor says that I was out of the house all the time at my son's age because I didn't like being at home, and that because our house is comfortable, and we have the dog, and we all have fun together that his motivation is much less and I might have to accept that he's just not a 'joiner'. But I'm his mum I've seen him when he socialises, and I've seen him when he doesn't, and I know which one makes for a happy son.

 

Any advice? Tips where I'm going wrong? Any personal experiences you can share? Thanks very much, grateful for anything.

 

(I previewed this to check it made sense and it made me cry )

[Silly_Girl]

My H is so awesome. He's just come off a run of nights and has got up early (only slept 5 hours) to take my son to play golf to cheer him up. Wish I wasn't stuck at work!

[will1988]

When I was his age I had very bad acne on my chest and face. None of the meds and creams worked what-so-ever. My father had the same problem back when he was in high school in the 70s... He tried the pills that were just coming on the market, but they did not work. His doctor told him to start tanning. He said it worked for him, and that I should try it. I ended up going to a tanning booth a few times, and it honestly worked. It fried the hell out of my acne. Once the acne was fried and gone, and I now had a tan complextion I became more confident... and thus a little more social. So working on your son's acne is a must and top priority. Although as adults we may think that stuff is just petty and superficial... to a teenage boy it has a lot of weight on their self consciousness - thus their overall social skills and confidence. I highly suggest having him go to a tanning booth, and sit outside in the sun a lot.

 

Also, the fact that he is bi, while it does not bother you, he may be bothered by the fact that to this day many people are still unexepting of people with homosexual tendancies. He may be getting bullied at school for it. I would suggest not getting too involved in it, because it will embarass him more if his mom is going to his professors and telling them to watch their child. He will get picked on more for that. My aunt is like that with my socially awkward closeted cousin... and because of her intervention it has made the bullies worse and has tought my cousin not stand up for himself, because mommy will fight his battles.

 

Have you thought about enrolling your son in some form of social club or sport? maybe kayrate?

[Emilia]

Just on the acne: I second Will's observation. I took antibiotics as creams didn't work (I was 18-19) but what really helped was the sunshine. I used to go to the beautician monthly to get all that terrible stuff squeezed out but sunbathing a couple of times afterwards improved my skin almost overnight.

[will1988]

Just on the acne: I second Will's observation. I took antibiotics as creams didn't work (I was 18-19) but what really helped was the sunshine. I used to go to the beautician monthly to get all that terrible stuff squeezed out but sunbathing a couple of times afterwards improved my skin almost overnight.

 

I don't tan anymore... but yeah, it works like a charm... it dries the hell out of your skin and in a few days or a week or so the acne is all gone. It is also hell of a lot cheaper than getting meds and less time consuming or embarassing as using creams. Like you Emilia I've tried it all... the creams, the pills, the patches etc... none of it worked.

[Silly_Girl]

When I was his age I had very bad acne on my chest and face. None of the meds and creams worked what-so-ever. My father had the same problem back when he was in high school in the 70s... He tried the pills that were just coming on the market, but they did not work. His doctor told him to start tanning. He said it worked for him, and that I should try it. I ended up going to a tanning booth a few times, and it honestly worked. It fried the hell out of my acne. Once the acne was fried and gone, and I now had a tan complextion I became more confident... and thus a little more social. So working on your son's acne is a must and top priority. Although as adults we may think that stuff is just petty and superficial... to a teenage boy it has a lot of weight on their self consciousness - thus their overall social skills and confidence. I highly suggest having him go to a tanning booth, and sit outside in the sun a lot.

 

Also, the fact that he is bi, while it does not bother you, he may be bothered by the fact that to this day many people are still unexepting of people with homosexual tendancies. He may be getting bullied at school for it. I would suggest not getting too involved in it, because it will embarass him more if his mom is going to his professors and telling them to watch their child. He will get picked on more for that. My aunt is like that with my socially awkward closeted cousin... and because of her intervention it has made the bullies worse and has tought my cousin not stand up for himself, because mommy will fight his battles.

 

Have you thought about enrolling your son in some form of social club or sport? maybe kayrate?

 

Thanks Will.

 

I definitely don't think the skin issue is petty or superficial. We have been going to the hospital for almost a year regularly now, we take it very seriously, and his diet in case that makes a difference. We're constantly pushing on that front because life is tough enough at that age, without that on top of it.

 

He's advised to stay out of the sun! The meds he's on mean he is super-sensitive to it. He uses lots of sun cream but you can imagine that's not much fun for him with his face in such a mess.

 

I'm not sure sun will help this brand. It's deep and in his ears, behind his neck, on his back, his hairline and then his face. Great big lumps that distort his profile and prevent him from sleeping sometimes....

 

He has high testosterone and we're hoping he will soon reach that point in puberty where his hormones calm down, and also that he stops growing, bless him!

 

He's taking Roaccutane and steroids and they only let him have the Roaccutane if I was going to be with him every day initially as it affects moods, so we had to start the treatment at Christmas. It can cause depression/worse, so we try to be very vigilant about that and talk about how he is regularly. Hence the conversations and this post.

 

And you're right with regards backing off about his sexuality. I have never tried to involve myself in that. I even kept it a secret (until this weekend when I slipped up!) from my close friend of 20 years because she's married to the head of the school. I discuss it with my son, if it should come up in conversation, but I don't intervene or even suggest I should.

[Silly_Girl]

I missed this in my quote box so didn't respond.

 

Have you thought about enrolling your son in some form of social club or sport? maybe kayrate?

 

It wouldn't be me enrolling him, it would be him enrolling himself. He does D of E (hiking, projects, volunteer work etc) but hasn't got the interest/confidence to join anything else right now. I rack my brains and suggest various ideas every so often, to no avail.

[will1988]

I see where you are coming from, but have you ever thought that the meds are causing some of this to get worse? I know the meds I took caused my acne to get worse. Also, I had the deep acne on my face and especially on my chest... I still bare the scars to this day on my chest... and honestly, sun tanning worked. Your doctor may not advise it, but think about it.... in the past year have the meds really acomplished much?

[will1988]

I missed this in my quote box so didn't respond.

 

 

 

It wouldn't be me enrolling him, it would be him enrolling himself. He does D of E (hiking, projects, volunteer work etc) but hasn't got the interest/confidence to join anything else right now. I rack my brains and suggest various ideas every so often, to no avail.

 

what are some of his interests?

[Silly_Girl]

I see where you are coming from, but have you ever thought that the meds are causing some of this to get worse? I know the meds I took caused my acne to get worse. Also, I had the deep acne on my face and especially on my chest... I still bare the scars to this day on my chest... and honestly, sun tanning worked. Your doctor may not advise it, but think about it.... in the past year have the meds really acomplished much?

 

The strategy before the current one was to pull him off everything then start again and it got so much worse without meds. Open infected wounds on his face.

[Silly_Girl]

what are some of his interests?

 

He's in to science. Films a bit. Online games (but not console games) that require logic, intellectual challenges. Can't think of much else. He's very laid back

[Phoe]

While encouraging him is great, like you mentioned earlier, you may need to accept that he might not be a "joiner".

 

He says he's not lonely. He might be lying, but he also might be telling the truth.

 

 

 

 

I am the kind of person who is VERY happy to do things on my own. I'm socially capable, not particularly shy, but I don't NEED to socialize. I have my friends who I see maybe once a week (sometimes more, sometimes less, but it averages out) but the rest of the time is just me on my own, doing whatever I like, not being fussed about the presence of other people and just enjoying myself.

 

 

Your son may be the same way.

[Lani]

At around 15 I spent a summer home by myself. My parents were there, but working full time so I spent a decent amount of time on my own.

I wasn't upset about it, it was my choice. Friends were doing things and invited me along, and I declined. I think a lot of it was to do with maturity and the fact that I just wasn't interested in most of the things going on around me.

I think I learned a lot about myself over that time, and bounced back into a more active social life after a reasonable amount of time.

 

My parents were concerned about me, as you are with your son.

I told them I was fine, because I was. I was just sort of going through a thing that I needed to do myself.

 

You are not doing anything wrong. It sounds to me as though you are being an absolutely wonderful mother and that you have a very open relationship with your son.

 

I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but it doesn't sound like a worrying amount of time.

I wouldn't be too concerned about him just yet. Give him some time to adjust to this new phase of his life where he's growing up, potentially faster or slower than his friends. Keeping the lines of communication open is all you can really do at this stage I think.

[Hoax]

The acne is important. I also took roaccutane. How long has he been on it? If he keeps it up the acne should begin to diminish.

 

Other things that have helped with my acne have been differin (topical) cream, sulfur soap (as a cleanser), and calcium bentonite clay (aztec healing clay) you can make into a mask.

 

I have a similar acne to your son, the very deep painful cystic kind, though I never have a lot of lesions at one time. The accutane is basically guaranteed to work if he keeps it up and perhaps increases the dosage.

 

Good luck to you and your son I'm sure when he goes away to college he'll party and meet lots of girls (or boys of course)!

 

Oh, and don't let him sunbathe on accutane! It could result in really nasty burning and skin damage.

Edited August 17, 2013 by Hoax

[sadwithouthim]

Maybe try sea salt (bought in stores) on the acne. I wouldn't put it on the whole face, but just on the active pimples. Try a google search on the topic to see more specific information.

[pink_sugar]

SG, I remember reading your pregnancy thread and am curious about how your son is handling this? Considering the age difference, this is also probably a big change heading his way. Does he have any other siblings?

[Silly_Girl]

At around 15 I spent a summer home by myself. My parents were there, but working full time so I spent a decent amount of time on my own.

I wasn't upset about it, it was my choice. Friends were doing things and invited me along, and I declined. I think a lot of it was to do with maturity and the fact that I just wasn't interested in most of the things going on around me.

I think I learned a lot about myself over that time, and bounced back into a more active social life after a reasonable amount of time.

 

My parents were concerned about me, as you are with your son.

I told them I was fine, because I was. I was just sort of going through a thing that I needed to do myself.

 

You are not doing anything wrong. It sounds to me as though you are being an absolutely wonderful mother and that you have a very open relationship with your son.

 

I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but it doesn't sound like a worrying amount of time.

I wouldn't be too concerned about him just yet. Give him some time to adjust to this new phase of his life where he's growing up, potentially faster or slower than his friends. Keeping the lines of communication open is all you can really do at this stage I think.

 

Thanks for this! I think it's easy - or has been easy for me anyway - to view such changes as permanent. It's natural I'd worry, if I can help I want to, but it could pass very quickly. It's good to hear from someone who had a similar experience.

 

He was socialising quite a lot until about March time, which coincides with the falling out at school, but he insists that's not a factor.

 

I think you're right about continuing to communicate. We've chatted and I've explained why I'm worried and that if there's anything I can do, I will.

[Silly_Girl]

The acne is important. I also took roaccutane. How long has he been on it? If he keeps it up the acne should begin to diminish.

 

Other things that have helped with my acne have been differin (topical) cream, sulfur soap (as a cleanser), and calcium bentonite clay (aztec healing clay) you can make into a mask.

 

I have a similar acne to your son, the very deep painful cystic kind, though I never have a lot of lesions at one time. The accutane is basically guaranteed to work if he keeps it up and perhaps increases the dosage.

 

Good luck to you and your son I'm sure when he goes away to college he'll party and meet lots of girls (or boys of course)!

 

Oh, and don't let him sunbathe on accutane! It could result in really nasty burning and skin damage.

 

Ah, you know the drug

 

It's been 8 months, but it's not had much effect, there's been 3 courses on steroids to bring the open wounds back down. They really do seem to be doing all they can. They accelerated the rate of the dosage considerably, but then brought it right down again.

 

Did you experience any effect on your moods? It's controversial due to the suicides. My son and I have talked about whether there could be a link for him, but he really doesn't think so, and I can't see enough correlation to be sure.

[Silly_Girl]

I have nothing I can add to help, I'm sorry. But I too cried when I read that opening post.

 

I just wanted to say that I wasn't very popular as a teenager. Mostly due to my parents insistence of the ridiculous clothes I had to wear and stupid haircuts. I really was an outsider and found it hard to make friends.

 

But I came through it and I am sure your son will shine when the time is right for him.

 

I got upset reading your post

 

I'm pleased things improved for you and the last line of your post really moved me, thanks.

[Silly_Girl]

SG, I remember reading your pregnancy thread and am curious about how your son is handling this? Considering the age difference, this is also probably a big change heading his way. Does he have any other siblings?

 

Ggrrrr. Wrote a long reply and it's gone.

 

He's keen about the baby. He was the first to bring up babies seriously, which I thought was funny. It seems genuine. He has 2 half-siblings. He's not allowed to spend time with them because his stepmum is an immature bitch (just between us ). He adores them and if they see him out and about they're so excited and shout his name. He's about 11 years older than the eldest.

 

He acknowledges that part of his enthusiasm about this baby is because he's so frustrated at not being able to be a proper big brother. He's great with kids and enjoys them. It's always been a source of sadness for him that he can't be in their life.

 

The change happened a few months back and we've only known about being pregnant for 3 weeks so I don't see that they're linked. But I'm open to anything. If I can 'work out' what the problem is (if there is one) then I've got a better chance of fixing it

[pink_sugar]

Ggrrrr. Wrote a long reply and it's gone.

 

He's keen about the baby. He was the first to bring up babies seriously, which I thought was funny. It seems genuine. He has 2 half-siblings. He's not allowed to spend time with them because his stepmum is an immature bitch (just between us ). He adores them and if they see him out and about they're so excited and shout his name. He's about 11 years older than the eldest.

 

He acknowledges that part of his enthusiasm about this baby is because he's so frustrated at not being able to be a proper big brother. He's great with kids and enjoys them. It's always been a source of sadness for him that he can't be in their life.

 

The change happened a few months back and we've only known about being pregnant for 3 weeks so I don't see that they're linked. But I'm open to anything. If I can 'work out' what the problem is (if there is one) then I've got a better chance of fixing it

 

I am so sorry to hear about the evil stepmom! I can relate to an extent. My cousin's parents (dad and stepmom) were so stuck up and didn't allow my brother and I to be around him when he was younger. My aunt didn't have custody of my cousin, but she encouraged them to be this way. (He even had birthdays where everyone was invited except my brother and I) It was as if we were terrible people. I can relate to how your son feels and I hope things improve for him soon!

[Silly_Girl]

I get fantastic support and advice when I post about my son so I wanted to come back with an update.

 

At the end of the school holidays my son heard he was being offered a job at a local supermarket. The 2 days training and first 3 shifts would coincide with the first week back at school.

 

Around the same time we learnt from school that because he missed the A grade by 1 mark he would not be permitted to take his favourite subject in 6th form. He was devastated, near to tears. He said he would rather travel 90 mins or more a day to study elsewhere, but I was dubious.

 

He wrote excellent emails to the school, turned up first day (when his instinct was to skip it) and met with 3 different teachers at different levels to plead his case. Two days of waiting and they agreed to allow him to do his subjects.

 

When he started in his job I asked him to try to introduce himself to the other new starters, because I remember being nervous on *my* first day (my sneaky way of getting him to interact, lol), he did so and is getting to know people, walking home from work together. He is enjoying responsibility, routine, and speaking with people of all ages. I'm so pleased it's going well. And it's time he earned his own money too. That will be a big thing.

 

School has started well. A couple of the lads who were 'not nice' about him have moved on, he's very happy about this. He's spending time with like-minded people in the maths/science groups, which suits him.

 

He seems to have that sparkle in his eye back. He's enthusiastic, animated and really enjoying being him again. I am so RELIEVED. Really happy for him. And happy to have my son back. Thanks to everyone.

[Shepp]

You say he's great with kids...when I was 16 i did quite a bit of football coaching and at one point I did it for a month or so in the summer with disabled kids....I founding that so rewarding.

Even if your son isn't spoty there's a lot of groups that have kids your sons age volunteer to like do things like hiking, canoning ect with able or disabled kids, maybe check if there's anything near you.

It might be daunting to join a group full of his peers but if hes good with kids he might find it easier to take the leader kind of role. And teaching, leading is always a good ego boost.

 

The other thing I've always done was mountain biking, there's some. Racking trails near where I live, don't know about you?

Its qcost nice cause you just go by yourself, if you bump into someone you can ride with them and if you don't you still have fun by yourself, I'm still one of the younger guys on those trails now - most of nthem are 22-23 maybe even a tad older....and hence past the age of all that teen 'who's cool,who's not' he might find it easier to hang with guys that kinda age if they have a mutual hobby - and a chance that having mates outside of school would give him an ego boost in school and if not... His friends can drive, can his school buddies do that?

 

Just some ideas, Sorry I couldn't help more than that!