Louanne Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hi, I shall summarise my situation for fear of getting into a long-winded account of my life. I have been married for 2 years however for the last 8 months have been having an affair. My relationship with my H was not right and over the course of the last few months I have realised and learned that we didn't communicate in the corrcet manner. We struggled to communicate both problems and worries but also failed to share hopes and dreams properly with each other too. We often made each other feel guilty about wanting to pursue an 'individual' life and I have learned that we may have both held back true feelings for fear of hurting the other person or making a situation worse. However in doing this we damaged our relationship by treading on egg-shells and not being open and honest. I became friends with a co-worker and this friendship became extremely close. We started an emotional affair. In this man I could easily share hopes, dreams and worries and in return he did the same with me. We became extremely close and an emotional affair turned into a physical one. We became best friends and lovers and I couldn't imagine my life without him. We promised each other the world. Move forward 8 months and his wife has now left him and my marriage has broken down to the point where I left my husband last month and we are looking into divorce. My husband is a wonderful man and he has not deserved what I have done to him in the slightest. Our problem was that we grew apart and gaps in our relationship became wider and wider. What I have now learned is that I took the wrong course of action and what I should have done is sat my husband down many months or even years ago when the first gaps appeared and made him talk about these things with me. My husbands flaw in life is that he doesn't open up or let his guard down. He presents a very stoic persona at all times and cannot deal with negative situations in a gracious way. During the last few months I have tried to get him to see that there were problems before my affair but he contests this saying that there was no problem with his side of the marriage and that the only reason we now have a problem is because I had an affair. I have urged him to see that there were problems and he is only now beginning to admit that we should have talked a bit mor eopenly, although he still says that he didn't and doesn't need to change at all. He now wants me out of his life completely, although he has never become nasty about this and we are dealing with things as friendly as we can. It is me who is clinging onto our marriage. He has told me repeatedly that he feels nothing for me and never will. That he has tried to put my affair to the back of his mind for months but can't forget let alone forgive. We did go to MC but at the time I was not 100% committed to rebuilding the marriage as I was not in NC with my AP. I have learned to now be able to say that it has taken me until now to realise th efull impact of my affair and that I now want to put things right. My H says it is too little too late. So I suppose my thread title should have been 'Too little, too late?' Any advice? Have I just got to accept his decision and move on? My AP still very much wants a life with me and I know that we would be happy together. However I just can't stop feeling regret towards my H and that I wish I would have seen more clearly sooner.
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Firstly I think that you need to step back and take a deep breath. Emotion are high and you need some time to reflect on all that has happened and give yourself time to decide on future courses of action. Secondly, you say that you understand what you did wrong and how that affected your husband. I highly doubt that is true until you have been in his shoes. The fact of a spouse being unfaithful is the ultimate act of betrayal. However, even worse is when you continue to lie and/or trickle-true him. This in many cases kills the trust from which many betrayed spouses never recover. If you truly understand, then you can't blame him. Yes, I agree that he made mistakes that have to be addressed to save the marriage, but this did not make you go to another man and have an affair. You had an affair to fill your own selfish desires.....period. When you down play that part, it reinforces your husbands fears of the relationship. I know that your husband seems done and says so every time you talk, but that may not be true. He is hurt and angry with you right now. Have either of you left the home? Do you have property that you need to split? If he is still in the home, that is a good thing. Has he consulted with an attorney? If not, then that is good news. Even if you have physically separated, you may want to consider a planned separation that would go like this. a. Day 1-30 Physical separation with no contact. This gives both parties time to heal and gain perspective. Individual counseling is highly recommended to work on yourself. NC with OM.....ever. b. Day 30-60 Date nights to do fun things. There should be intimacy, but not sex. Continue counseling. c. Day 60-90 Continue dating, but add sex back into the relationship. By the end of the period there should be a plan to reconcile. Also at anytime along the line either can call it quits, if it is not working. I know that you think OM is Mr Wonderful, but I don't think you see the real him. You said that you too communicated well, he knew just what to say. Do you know why? You told him what to say. Every time you complain about your husband saying that he did this or that, he knows to reinforce your beliefs and do the opposite of what your husband did. Imagine how much better your marriage would have been, had you said the same things to your husband. Also, IF he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Remember he made the same promises to his wife that he is making to you right now. Even if you divorce your husband, I would look for a new relationship and not recycle this Barney.
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