rhw Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) some of you may remember me; some may have never seen me post. some may still vilify me for things i said in extreme anger last year and others may empathize. wherever your opinions stand, i'm about to share a truth i've since gleaned from what may just be the worst experience ever. Affairs are nothing but destruction. So last year, i was waiting for my now very exMM to either come back to me or end it once and for all, albeit in the gentle, caring way I always loved about him. yeah that's not what i got tonight. i broke NC because i demanded an explanation, because i was finally tired but i wasn't gonna go out without a bit of a fight, y'know? After 11 years, I was owed that much. this is what i got: basically him saying if there was anything he said or did that gave the impression he *ever* wanted a relationship with me, he was truly sorry; that he was "happily married" and could not and would not return my affections. granted, they *may* have reconciled or because i emailed his work address and he replied from his work address, he may never actually have told her. there may never have been a real D-Day (i was convinced that she found out. now i wonder if that was true.) "happily married" he is not, but it is of no importance now. for those who think, wow, that's sad but that's not gonna happen to me because we really love each other and it's just difficult, i was there all the way to the very end. i believed this love was worth waiting for. 11 years of my life gone (thankfully, though i am only 36 but look 10 years younger, it's not my whole life). memories that i cherished and loved and thought mattered to him: GONE in a quick dismissal. i begged my mom to answer me why he could just take all my memories from me or deny they ever existed or we were ever together. she said he can't. "those are words of a pathetically sad and cowardly man. you've always known that about him. now you really know. but you also know everything you two had and you know that to be the truth. he can't take that. they are just words. cruel words, but just words." i'm still angry, i'm still hurting deeply but sometimes it takes the most f'ed up ending to shake you back into reality. this is my reality. this is what loving him for 11 years left me with: -confusion -anxiety -heartache -more confusion -shame (because who really wants to be kept a secret for over a decade?) -loss of power -loss of self worth -an appreciation for wanting to drunk drive a car into a tree w/ no seat belt -the kind of blinding, heat of passion rage you see on ID's "Deadly Affairs" (thank goodness i know prison orange is so not my color!) -loss of dignity waiting for those little crumbs of affection he'd toss my way when things in his life were difficult or boring or whatever. i thought he kept the door open because he loved me. he kept it open because he had someone who loved him unconditionally and wanted him badly and that is all. (my mom says, "while that's true, he did love you. he did care about you. he is just a coward and ultimately that trumps love here." none of these things i mentioned are what love is supposed to be. my blinders are off and i see him for the man i didn't really ever know or knew but didn't want to believe because hey, what we had was something unlike anything else. bs. it was exactly like EVERY other affair with the same exact somewhat gaslighting, non-responsibility taking end result. My mom made me promise i wouldn't reply back, no getting the last word. I got my closure that i wanted. it was heartless and cruel and cowardly, and she is absolutely convinced that he is going to come back around with a major apology the second this so called "happy marriage" crumbles because his w will cheat on him. she says she hopes his w DOES hurt him like that, "but don't you DARE let him back in. you are done." in the meantime, tonight, i've rallied around all my friends to help lift me back up. the very fact of the matter is, this man, this SNAKE, really will NEVER, ever deserve me. Edited August 14, 2013 by rhw 9
C00kie Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I'm so sorry. We're all in denial until the very end. We all hope it will turn out different with us. I'm still one of those women who wants to believe that she may be the exception, but sometimes (I don't know if it's out of fear or gut feeling) I think that whe the going gets tough, he'll tell me things like "it was a mistake", "i realise I'm happy the way I am", "I can't give you what you need"...contrary to the things he has always told me. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Really, if there's anyway we can help you through this process...just come here and try to find some comfort. You're out now. You'll be better off now. I know, words are just words...it won't be easy, how can one deal with the fact that the person we love the most is the one who's gonna lift us and then let us fall so hard. He's a scumbag. Really. Scumbag. Move forward. Don't look back, whatever happens...lots of love and hugs to you.
imbetteroff Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I'm sorry it took you so long to see him for who he really is. Your mom is right, do not take him back. I know it's hard, really, really hard, but thousands if not millions of women have done it, you can too. 3
Ruffian1 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Rhw Sorry that this happened to you. Eleven years is a long time. You are free now. Please listen to your mom, “but don't you DARE let him back in. you are done”. I know it hurts, but you are young, it will pass.
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Make the promise to yourself and make YOU accountable. It's great you've promised your mom but it's more important you make that promise to you. Do not reply. Change your number, change your email address. It's over so make it over on all levels. Grieve the loss, do counseling if need be to help you cope with all this. 1
ComingInHot Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 rhw, there aren't a-lot of words that can give you peace and take away your pain and anger. BUT, you are doing what I believe is the most therapeutic thing you can, rallying your circle of friends, enlisting the support of your mom and the people you Know you don't have to question their loyalty. rhw, for now hold on to the moments that matter, let go of those moments that don't. CIH* 2
findingnemo Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 some of you may remember me; some may have never seen me post. some may still vilify me for things i said in extreme anger last year and others may empathize. wherever your opinions stand, i'm about to share a truth i've since gleaned from what may just be the worst experience ever. Affairs are nothing but destruction. So last year, i was waiting for my now very exMM to either come back to me or end it once and for all, albeit in the gentle, caring way I always loved about him. yeah that's not what i got tonight. i broke NC because i demanded an explanation, because i was finally tired but i wasn't gonna go out without a bit of a fight, y'know? After 11 years, I was owed that much. this is what i got: basically him saying if there was anything he said or did that gave the impression he *ever* wanted a relationship with me, he was truly sorry; that he was "happily married" and could not and would not return my affections. granted, they *may* have reconciled or because i emailed his work address and he replied from his work address, he may never actually have told her. there may never have been a real D-Day (i was convinced that she found out. now i wonder if that was true.) "happily married" he is not, but it is of no importance now. for those who think, wow, that's sad but that's not gonna happen to me because we really love each other and it's just difficult, i was there all the way to the very end. i believed this love was worth waiting for. 11 years of my life gone (thankfully, though i am only 36 but look 10 years younger, it's not my whole life). memories that i cherished and loved and thought mattered to him: GONE in a quick dismissal. i begged my mom to answer me why he could just take all my memories from me or deny they ever existed or we were ever together. she said he can't. "those are words of a pathetically sad and cowardly man. you've always known that about him. now you really know. but you also know everything you two had and you know that to be the truth. he can't take that. they are just words. cruel words, but just words." i'm still angry, i'm still hurting deeply but sometimes it takes the most f'ed up ending to shake you back into reality. this is my reality. this is what loving him for 11 years left me with: -confusion -anxiety -heartache -more confusion -shame (because who really wants to be kept a secret for over a decade?) -loss of power -loss of self worth -an appreciation for wanting to drunk drive a car into a tree w/ no seat belt -the kind of blinding, heat of passion rage you see on ID's "Deadly Affairs" (thank goodness i know prison orange is so not my color!) -loss of dignity waiting for those little crumbs of affection he'd toss my way when things in his life were difficult or boring or whatever. i thought he kept the door open because he loved me. he kept it open because he had someone who loved him unconditionally and wanted him badly and that is all. (my mom says, "while that's true, he did love you. he did care about you. he is just a coward and ultimately that trumps love here." none of these things i mentioned are what love is supposed to be. my blinders are off and i see him for the man i didn't really ever know or knew but didn't want to believe because hey, what we had was something unlike anything else. bs. it was exactly like EVERY other affair with the same exact somewhat gaslighting, non-responsibility taking end result. My mom made me promise i wouldn't reply back, no getting the last word. I got my closure that i wanted. it was heartless and cruel and cowardly, and she is absolutely convinced that he is going to come back around with a major apology the second this so called "happy marriage" crumbles because his w will cheat on him. she says she hopes his w DOES hurt him like that, "but don't you DARE let him back in. you are done." in the meantime, tonight, i've rallied around all my friends to help lift me back up. the very fact of the matter is, this man, this SNAKE, really will NEVER, ever deserve me. Rhw, I am so sorry. Your mother is right. Listen to her. xMM is trying to minimize the A and if he wants to continue doing that you can't do anything about it. It shows how heartless and cowardly he is. It is good you are surrounding yourself with people who love you. 2
Speakingofwhich Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 rhw, WOW! You have a great mom! You MM is a jerk but your mom is wise and wonderful! Celebrate that because I know some women who don't have a mom like that. You can replace a man. But, you only have one mom! So, lucky you, lucky you! I know recovering from 11 years you had with this guy is rough, but you can do it. Better 11 wasted years than 15 wasted years. You are still very young and have learned some valuable lessons to take with you. 1
thecharade Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Such a fantastic mother. You are lucky that she is helping you through this. Now it is time to work on you. Why did you allow this? Why did you feel you needed to work so hard to get love? I ask myself (and now my therapist) these same questions. I am hoping the answers lead me to the life and love I deserve. That we ALL deserve! Your story hurt my heart. I can't believe he was such a jerk. I'll tell you this, though. I believe he will spend forever knowing the truth, missing you, calling himself names in his head, knowing he treated you like crap. He just won't ever admit it because the truth hurts. I've seen it happen with people before. They RUIN loving relationships, and in quiet moments, KNOW they are a mess, but they are vastly ignorant about why they do what they do. It's a lonely life, close to no one, damaged and just lost. He sounds like my exAP, actually. When we got away, we won. 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Be free, Sweetness. It's YOU time. Xoxoxoxox
It's Just Me Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Oh, Nemo. Be glad you're rid of such a d*ck. The heartache sucks, but it will pass. And to quote my dear, departed father, when I made some very real mistakes as a young lady: you'd be a fool not to learn something from this. So, my question is... can you articulate what you will do differently from now on? Sometimes, when we're ready, it helps to focus on a future plan, rather than the past.
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