I hope I regain my brain consciousness really soon

[C00kie]

And I realise that's more likely to happen when me and MM don't talk as much, when he's not around, when I know he won't contact me because she's around or they're away on holiday - those days I find some peace. I don't have to stand by the phone like I usually do waiting for him to call, postponing dates with my friends (I know that's so wrong, but I do it just in case he calls - pathetic and I know it); those days I just expect nothing and focus on myself and begin to see some sense - until he comes back, wins me back with his sweet words and apparently good intentions. On the other hand, talking to him all the time, being around him, does not allow me to have a full perspective of everything. It's like I'm trapped in this world that I don't want to be in anymore. But maybe I feel like this (better off without him) because I know he's still there (while, at the same time, he's not) and haven't yet had to face the pain of dealing with a broken heart - when we mentioned the possibility of ending it, I became desperate. Yet, desperation is probably my brain playing tricks on me; maybe it's because this has become my whole life, my thoughts revolve around this situation, him, being obsessed with this, like an addiction. After all - what am I so afraid to lose? What do I really stand to lose?

 

He's not there for me all the time, yet I want to be there for him all the time...regardless. Now you could say: you knew he was married, right? Right. So right. But he promised me the world. It's been two years now. Of good moments, but also of fighting, of me constantly asking what kind of man is he, how can he lie to the one he married 18 years ago in the face every single day (and lie to me too, raising false expectations).

 

His wife works shifts and also on weekends, so her true weekend (rest days) was monday and tuesday (yesterday). I didn't hear a thing from him on monday (I don't understand why he won't even acess the internet when she's home - is she on his back ALL the time?, or maybe he just doesn't want to risk it - yet sometimes he leaves for weeks to be with me and doesn't call her...I don't understand this behaviour, if he cared so much about her that he couldn't even log on to the internet in case she found out, then he wouldn't leave for weeks either). Anyway, an sms should be easy to send. There would be so many ways to do things differently...if he really wanted to. Or could. I know, we're not all the same.

 

So last night, tuesday, he logged on facebook and told me:

 

"Hi. How are you? I've been working a lot. Tell me about your days, I'm here now". 2 seconds later: "gotta go" and just disappeared.

 

Would be comic if it wasn't tragic...

 

Re-reading this post...omg, all the nonsense, the pain, the confusion. Dysfunctional.

 

And now I finish this post and go back to work, where everyone thinks I'm really skilled, intelligent and "normal". Whatever that may be.

Edited August 14, 2013 by C00kie

[C00kie]

Oh. And this is a LDR. We talk quite often - when she's not around - but don't meet for sex or anything. We see each other like every 4 months (in spite of what you may thing, this doesn't make it any less intense or meaningful in anyway. Or hurtful. It's just like any other story)

Edited August 14, 2013 by C00kie

[LimeBlue]

I have lived the same chapter. I never did contact him when he was with his partner (she is 50, calling her girlfriend just seems odd), yet for him to send a text would not have been an issue because he keeps his mobile on him at all times, and I am pretty sure he could text when having a **** or something. But instead, he drops off the face of the earth. It is as if he is hiding in plain sight all the time. Do you ever get that feeling too? That they hide in plain sight?

 

Then on other occasions he will text me during his most hectic work hours, apologizing for being quiet on certain days, then I would reply and hear nothing back for weeks.

 

No. I am done. Have been done for quite some time now, but I still talk about it in the present tense because we went NC for four weeks, then were in contact again for 5 days, and now NC for 10 days. I gave my all to be there for him, and it was never returned. In fact he was downright nasty to me one night when I actually really did need to talk about a personal issue, and he cut me off like a lump of lead.

 

And now, seeing that you put it so well - I will finish this post and go back to being normal

 

PS - Are you going to end it?

[LimeBlue]

Oh. And this is a LDR. We talk quite often - when she's not around - but don't meet for sex or anything. We see each other like every 4 months (in spite of what you may thing, this doesn't make it any less intense or meaningful in anyway. Or hurtful. It's just like any other story)

 

Same with me, except not a LDR, but purely EA without anything other than phone calls and texts.

[C00kie]

Thanks for your answers

 

You'll have to tell me what is it to hide in "plain sight" (english is not my mother language...sorry then I'll share my thoughts on it.

 

I feel like I'm not ready to end it yet, but I don't wanna hold on to it in denial or anything like that. I'm just not ready yet and when the time comes I know I'll be able to do it...but it will take my all.

[C00kie]

Still waiting for him to say something. I mean, it's 2h20 pm where I live. After that glorious exit of his last night, I think he could and should have said something by now...just great (at this point, pretty much everything upsets me...)

[findingnemo]

And I realise that's more likely to happen when me and MM don't talk as much, when he's not around, when I know he won't contact me because she's around or they're away on holiday - those days I find some peace. I don't have to stand by the phone like I usually do waiting for him to call, postponing dates with my friends (I know that's so wrong, but I do it just in case he calls - pathetic and I know it); those days I just expect nothing and focus on myself and begin to see some sense - until he comes back, wins me back with his sweet words and apparently good intentions. On the other hand, talking to him all the time, being around him, does not allow me to have a full perspective of everything. It's like I'm trapped in this world that I don't want to be in anymore. But maybe I feel like this (better off without him) because I know he's still there (while, at the same time, he's not) and haven't yet had to face the pain of dealing with a broken heart - when we mentioned the possibility of ending it, I became desperate. Yet, desperation is probably my brain playing tricks on me; maybe it's because this has become my whole life, my thoughts revolve around this situation, him, being obsessed with this, like an addiction. After all - what am I so afraid to lose? What do I really stand to lose?

 

He's not there for me all the time, yet I want to be there for him all the time...regardless. Now you could say: you knew he was married, right? Right. So right. But he promised me the world. It's been two years now. Of good moments, but also of fighting, of me constantly asking what kind of man is he, how can he lie to the one he married 18 years ago in the face every single day (and lie to me too, raising false expectations).

 

His wife works shifts and also on weekends, so her true weekend (rest days) was monday and tuesday (yesterday). I didn't hear a thing from him on monday (I don't understand why he won't even acess the internet when she's home - is she on his back ALL the time?, or maybe he just doesn't want to risk it - yet sometimes he leaves for weeks to be with me and doesn't call her...I don't understand this behaviour, if he cared so much about her that he couldn't even log on to the internet in case she found out, then he wouldn't leave for weeks either). Anyway, an sms should be easy to send. There would be so many ways to do things differently...if he really wanted to. Or could. I know, we're not all the same.

 

So last night, tuesday, he logged on facebook and told me:

 

"Hi. How are you? I've been working a lot. Tell me about your days, I'm here now". 2 seconds later: "gotta go" and just disappeared.

 

Would be comic if it wasn't tragic...

 

Re-reading this post...omg, all the nonsense, the pain, the confusion. Dysfunctional.

 

And now I finish this post and go back to work, where everyone thinks I'm really skilled, intelligent and "normal". Whatever that may be.

 

I think when he goes home, he switches modes into loving, faithful and caring H. It is like the times you spend together. He switches modes into loving and caring bf. Cheaters have to do that in order not to Perhaps he is the type to put the phone down when he gets home and doesn't make calls during his off-work hours.

 

Yes, you are beginning to change the way you look at the benefits of this A to you. It will become clearer and clearer how you are in an A and yet want a real R. When that happens, when you find yourself more miserable than happy, your heart and mind will go into self-preservation mode. You will be ready to end it at that point.

 

A tragedy that is funny is called a tragic comedy. The situation is so ridiculous that you laugh and yet really painful at the same time. I felt the same way about my A years ago.

[Feb]

Thanks for your answers

 

You'll have to tell me what is it to hide in "plain sight" (english is not my mother language...sorry then I'll share my thoughts on it.

 

I feel like I'm not ready to end it yet, but I don't wanna hold on to it in denial or anything like that. I'm just not ready yet and when the time comes I know I'll be able to do it...but it will take my all.

 

Basically it means he is not really hiding, he is right there, almost hoping to be found.

C00kie -- you know the right answer here and that is to end it once and for all. There is like a .01% chance of a happy ending that your MM will leave and start a new life with you. It's not clear from your posts if he promised that. If he didn't promise it, then it's a zero percent chance of happening, plain and simple.

 

 

Here's how this will end ... and it will end, you just don't know when and how:

1) DDay: MM might go immediate NC and throw you under the bus; his wife might contact you. A lot of things can happen here, but be prepared for a lot of drama.

2) LC initiated by him: He may grow tired of this and say, "Let's be friends" so he can keep you around if he's lonely

3) NC initiated by you: You go NC, stick to it and get your self-esteem and life back. The first few weeks are painful as you go through text/email/FB withdrawal, but as you fill that void with focus on your friends and family, work, exercise, hobbies and other things you will LOVE being on the other side of the A. I speak from experience here.

 

 

You say you're not ready to end it, but you're hardly enjoying the relationship either. I think that stems from fear of how to fill that void, and who is going to throw you crumbs to bolster your self-esteem once in a while. Think of it this way -- what has the A done to your self esteem overall? Sure, you got those highs early on with the ILYs and all the other lines, but overall I'm willing to bet the A had the opposite impact to how you feel about yourself. Are you willing to continue?

[C00kie]

Basically it means he is not really hiding, he is right there, almost hoping to be found.

C00kie -- you know the right answer here and that is to end it once and for all. There is like a .01% chance of a happy ending that your MM will leave and start a new life with you. It's not clear from your posts if he promised that. If he didn't promise it, then it's a zero percent chance of happening, plain and simple.

 

 

Here's how this will end ... and it will end, you just don't know when and how:

1) DDay: MM might go immediate NC and throw you under the bus; his wife might contact you. A lot of things can happen here, but be prepared for a lot of drama.

2) LC initiated by him: He may grow tired of this and say, "Let's be friends" so he can keep you around if he's lonely

3) NC initiated by you: You go NC, stick to it and get your self-esteem and life back. The first few weeks are painful as you go through text/email/FB withdrawal, but as you fill that void with focus on your friends and family, work, exercise, hobbies and other things you will LOVE being on the other side of the A. I speak from experience here.

 

 

You say you're not ready to end it, but you're hardly enjoying the relationship either. I think that stems from fear of how to fill that void, and who is going to throw you crumbs to bolster your self-esteem once in a while. Think of it this way -- what has the A done to your self esteem overall? Sure, you got those highs early on with the ILYs and all the other lines, but overall I'm willing to bet the A had the opposite impact to how you feel about yourself. Are you willing to continue?

 

He promised me. He promised me the world. Said that when his son turns 18 and his finantial life stabilises, he'll leave. Clichés, lines, now I realise it. Maybe. I know nothing anymore. I'm just hurting...I couldn't do this to anyone, I mean anyone, let alone someone I loved.

[C00kie]

Wow. Your comments really help me so much. Through the day, at work, before I go to sleep, I remember your words and believe, they really help keep my head sane and do the right things for myself. I can't thank you enough for that. Now, I have read some harsh comments IN THE PAST, over other things I posted here, but today it was not the case. You showed me it is possible to be honest without being insensitive, disrespectful and even without the common cliches.

 

Thanks so much.

 

Other views on my post are also welcome.

[fanine]

I always had a definite feeling of relief when I knew my MM was away or I definitely knew we could not see each other. I would just get on with my stuff, without wondering is he suddenly going to call saying he is free, and I might happen to be out or busy doing something else. Stupid I know.

Mine would often go a couple of days without contacting me and I felt the same too, not one little text was possible? Or if I did send him a text he would often not bother to answer...but then suddenly a couple of days later he would be contacting me again.

I did let my life revolve around him. I stupidly did far too much for him...

[C00kie]

Update - got an e-mail from his yesterday saying that the W was on her week off work and he couldn't call me or write as often because she's home all the time, said he missed me a lot - he'll come to visit me in a month. He told me he has been studying a lot - he's a lawyer (business hasn't been going great) but on saturday he'll be going to another city for five days (alone), to do some exams in order to become a judge - let's just hope he judges other people's lives better than his own he says he's studying again so that he can have a better life, get financially independent so that we can be together.

 

The fact that he hasn't been able to call me these days, and won't be able to call me next week - only quick calls on cellphone cause we live long distance and it's really expensive - really makes me feel RELIEVED. Today was a national holiday where I live, and I went to the beach with a few friends, not worrying if he was going to call while I wasn't home, not worrying if he was online, not worrying about a thing...and the day was mine again, my life felt like MINE again, not dependent on someone else's schedule and conveniences. Not feeling guilty that I wouldn't be home in case he called. That felt just great.

 

This next week will be mine, I'll get my peace back again and it makes me think so hard that I'm better off without him - but maybe I feel like this because I know he's still there, and that we'll be seing each other soon. Ending things is not something I am prepared to do, since I love him so much. I guess the next weeks/months will really show me what to do, what I really want and I'm sure I'll be able to do whatever needs to be done, in the right time.

 

Low contact can be great, in a sense. Makes you take a step back and put things in perspective.

[C00kie]

Please tell me you dont believe this?

 

A man who wants to bspend his life with you and be together forever with you, is not going to be "okay" with not talking to you for 2 weeks.

 

Wake up, he is really playing you. I wouldnt be surprised if he's got another OW in the mix too.

 

I'm not saying you're not right about him playing me, even if that's not what he intends to do - he really thinks he's got the best of intentions, even though I know he's a selfish coward. But it's not like we don't talk for 2 weeks. He tried to chat with me through facebook on tuesday (then left cause she showed up...wonderful, I know), left me a long message on wednesday, and another one on thursday night asking me to call him saturday morning (today).

 

Which pisses me off. All these days he was unavailable and as soon as it's convenient to him, asks me to call him right away. I still don't know what to do - I don't feel like calling him. I'm pissed at everything. I've come to realise he's selfish and only doing me harm, and it's hurting. At the same time, I want peace, I need peace. I don't feel like fighting or have some nasty talk on the phone which will only leave me feeling guilty and depressed. And no, it's not like I'm avoiding facing reality - or maybe it is - but it's not the kind of thing I do: I just really need to be at peace. Maybe I'll call him, but later than he expects, let him know everything's fine (not that he cared much these days, because it was a one way communication - just left me messages and didn't wait to hear if I was fine), and keep the conversation normal. I don't know...suggestions, please.

 

As for this next week that he'll be away from home, I'm sure he'll call me and leave me messages. But of course, it doesn't mean much, or anything, anymore.

 

I really don't think he has another OW - but if opportunity presented itself to have a one night stand with another, I'm not sure he wouldn't do it. But, to be fair on him, I'm not sure if this a result of feeling so bad as I do now or because I really believe he would do so.

 

Anyway, my top priority now is getting my ideas in order and find the best way of dealing with this - which is leaving, I know. I've just recently come to realise some crutial things and I'm still processing everything.

Edited August 17, 2013 by C00kie