2 things that sunk the ship before it left the harbor.

[kaylan]

So Ive been talking to a couple ladies, just getting to know them and deciding if Id want to pursue them in any capacity. Here are 2 things that can make a guy definitely not wanna touch you;

 

1. The subject of kids came up. We spoke about how they were cute, but a lot of work. And we discussed when it was best for people to have kids and how so many people rush to have them. That part of the convo was going fine until this girl made it seem like she had baby fever. She mentioned how ideally she'd have her first child in the next couple or few years. And when I said its better to wait till her career picked up off the ground and that she was financially ready she says "ugh I just want babies"

 

o.0....Id expect that from a girl in her 30s, not mid 20s. I mean even if she was kidding I was taken aback by that comment. All she did was put the idea in my head that shes looking to get knocked up soon whether its the right time for kids or not. So even as a hook up prospect I wont even go there. Because the last thing I need is a slip up and then this chick wanting to keep the baby. I mean I guess its good I got warned now...but jeez louise...smh

 

2. I was talking about some old tv show with this other chick. The mom in the show was a stay at home mom, which is pretty typical for many past and present tv shows. She goes on to say how she wouldnt mind doing that one day. I immediately thought to myself "welp, looks like we arent compatible long term".

 

I mean I totally understand how some women wanna stay home with the kids, but it turns me off. I was raised by a working mom, and my best friends mom works full time as well. In todays world its hard to maintain a household with one income. And plus, I just really dig independent working gals.

 

 

Oh wells...nothing I can do about either of these chicks. Just good ole incompatibility. But its a shame regarding the first chick....because Im super attracted to her...but the baby comments def scared me off lol.

[hoping2heal]

So Ive been talking to a couple ladies, just getting to know them and deciding if Id want to pursue them in any capacity. Here are 2 things that can make a guy definitely not wanna touch you;

 

1. The subject of kids came up. We spoke about how they were cute, but a lot of work. And we discussed when it was best for people to have kids and how so many people rush to have them. That part of the convo was going fine until this girl made it seem like she had baby fever. She mentioned how ideally she'd have her first child in the next couple or few years. And when I said its better to wait till her career picked up off the ground and that she was financially ready she says "ugh I just want babies"

 

o.0....Id expect that from a girl in her 30s, not mid 20s. I mean even if she was kidding I was taken aback by that comment. All she did was put the idea in my head that shes looking to get knocked up soon whether its the right time for kids or not. So even as a hook up prospect I wont even go there. Because the last thing I need is a slip up and then this chick wanting to keep the baby. I mean I guess its good I got warned now...but jeez louise...smh

 

2. I was talking about some old tv show with this other chick. The mom in the show was a stay at home mom, which is pretty typical for many past and present tv shows. She goes on to say how she wouldnt mind doing that one day. I immediately thought to myself "welp, looks like we arent compatible long term".

 

I mean I totally understand how some women wanna stay home with the kids, but it turns me off. I was raised by a working mom, and my best friends mom works full time as well. In todays world its hard to maintain a household with one income. And plus, I just really dig independent working gals.

 

 

Oh wells...nothing I can do about either of these chicks. Just good ole incompatibility. But its a shame regarding the first chick....because Im super attracted to her...but the baby comments def scared me off lol.

 

I think you were jumping the gun about the baby chick. Too much assuming and you don't know her well enough to know how much she actually means what she's saying about the baby comment, etc.

 

I have to say this for the SAHM wannabe lady gal, I don't actually have my own children. So, maybe some will think I have no right to say this but I've been like a step parent for my nephew since the day he was born for all kinds of reasons. I think there is a big misconception that SAHM are lazy or lack motivation. I don't plan to be a SAHM because I'm passionate about the career field I'm going into and I know I would feel I was missing out. But, that doesn't mean I'm not plagued with doubt that my selfishness is going to come at the cost of my children.

 

Not every SAHM is a great Mom. Some really are the Peg Bundy type and this doesn't apply to them. But, some Mom's work very hard to raise their children right and that takes more balls,brains, and braun than you could ever imagine. There's nothing in the professional life that even compares to what it takes to raise my Nephew right. Nothing. There's nothing greater or more challenging I will accomplish as a "independent working gal". So, instead of being so quick to count her out you should consider that she might be the type of person who would be an amazing Mother to your children and that's more important than having another income in the house, trust.

Edited August 14, 2013 by hoping2heal

[keithkat]

It's good that these chicks know what they want and are not afraid to say their opinion. :-) Their words are definitely a good filter for the guys who are after them. ;-)

[Star Gazer]

Here are 2 things that can make a guy definitely not wanna touch you;

 

I hope you're not speaking for all men.

 

I've met plenty of guys who are eager to having children, and/or to have a stay-at-home mother as a wife.

[MrCastle]

The kids thing in the 20s is very effective man repellent. Works on the majority of men in their 20s I'd venture to say. But at least she was honest.

 

The stay at home mom thing, I can go either way on. If my job is such that we don't need two incomes, I'm game for having her raise our hypothetical children (I don't want any, period) -- but if we're struggling financially and her excuse is that she's a mom, I'm gonna have issues with that. Not that being a stay at home mom isn't hard, it is, but choosing not to work when we're struggling is a problem for all of us. Her, me, the hypothetical kids, etc.

[Leigh 87]

With the first woman, perhaps she is just really looking forward to that part of her life, but is not going to try to tie down the first available dude.

 

You never know. If you thought she was that special and you had a really good feeling with her that you rarely feel for other women, why not talk to her about how it made you feel? Just a simple:

 

" hey.. I really like talking to you, but I want to clarify something; I know you want kids, but you are going to at least wait for the right guy, right? Or are you the type to settle just to have kids at a certain age?"

 

If she is the type who WANTS kids badly, yet would rather wait for the right guy, opposed to jumping on any guy who seems good? Give her a chance.

 

...............................

[Leigh 87]

Just wondering, I DON'T want kids. Ever. Not unless I have a rich husband, as I do not really want to give my life over to kids if they will drain all my money and leave none for world travel and botox when I reach 30.

 

How would u want a girl to say it to you?

 

How early would you need to know about this? Before you even date her?

[Woggle]

Sounds like incompatible goals. Nothing wrong with you or them.

[MrCastle]

Just wondering, I DON'T want kids. Ever. Not unless I have a rich husband, as I do not really want to give my life over to kids if they will drain all my money and leave none for world travel and botox when I reach 30.

 

How would u want a girl to say it to you?

 

How early would you need to know about this? Before you even date her?

 

I guess I'd have a serious conversation if she was a serious girlfriend. I'm not gonna talk kids on like a second date or something.

[sweetjasmine]

She mentioned how ideally she'd have her first child in the next couple or few years. And when I said its better to wait till her career picked up off the ground and that she was financially ready she says "ugh I just want babies"

 

o.0....Id expect that from a girl in her 30s, not mid 20s.

 

I totally understand your reaction, but why wouldn't you expect that from a woman in her mid-20s? I don't think it's unreasonable for women to want to have their first child in their early 30s, if possible. That's my preferred time frame. When I was younger, I didn't think I'd ever be one of those baby crazy people, but for some of us, it hits like a wave around this age. The past two years for me have been nothing like I've ever experienced in terms of wanting kids. You don't exactly have a ton of time as it is. There are women who wait for exactly the right time and find that they're suddenly having a difficult time conceiving from age-related issues.

 

Again, not saying you should date that girl. If her saying that makes you want to run, then run. You're fully justified in not wanting anything with her. Just pointing out that it's not particularly odd for a woman in her mid-20s to want to have kids within a few years.

[ChessPieceFace]

The mom in the show was a stay at home mom, which is pretty typical for many past and present tv shows. She goes on to say how she wouldnt mind doing that one day. I immediately thought to myself "welp, looks like we arent compatible long term".

 

Made a mistake here IMO. To me that just shows she would be a dedicated mom. GL with your "working mom only" quest but I bet the odds will be much higher that you'll end up divorced.

[Els]

The girls were definitely incompatible with you, IMO, based on what we know about you from your posts. No harm in breaking things off in that case.

 

You certainly don't speak for all men, though. A close friend of mine just got engaged to his long-term gf, and they have both openly talked about plans for babies in the next couple of years, and plans for the girl being a SAHM. They're mid-twenties, too.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

[BluEyeL]

While people have different stances on kids and sahm, imo is not smart to discuss this in the early dating stages, when is more about having a good time and no bond has formed yet. So I agree with the OP that these are bad moves. I'd not date these ladies for not being too smart. I believe that chances of relationship succes increase when you are with someone intelligent, they will be more likely to understand nuances and navigate conflict on the long term.

[Janesays]

Honestly, if I went home right now and told my fiance that I was thinking about quitting my job and raising our child full time...I really don't think he'd have a problem with that. He grew up with a stay at home mom and a very tight knit family atmosphere. You honestly get the impression from the men in his family that it is a great source of pride to be able to 'provide' for their wife and children. So I'm guessing my request might even flatter him a little.

 

With that said, it'll never happen. I actually enjoy my job too much. And our schedules are both flexible enough as it is that it's really not needed for me to quit.

[MidwestUSA]

Kaylan: be glad they brought their concerns up early. Saves you a lot of time.

Edited August 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

I hope you're not speaking for all men.

 

I've met plenty of guys who are eager to having children, and/or to have a stay-at-home mother as a wife.

Same here. My boyfriend asked me within a few dates if I want to get married someday, and if I want kids. We agreed that we both want marriage and kids, and aren't interested in dating that isn't a potential pathway to marriage. I really appreciated how open and clear he was about what he wanted.

 

Within months, he told me he's never expected that his wife would have to work - she could if she wanted to, but he said no woman in his family has ever had to work, and was obviously pleased that he'd be able to continue that tradition, should his wife choose to focus on the home and family rather than a career.

 

I think it's good that you're also clear about what kind of relationship you're looking for.

[kaylan]

I hope you're not speaking for all men.

 

I've met plenty of guys who are eager to having children, and/or to have a stay-at-home mother as a wife.

Consider my age. Most guys my age dont want kids, and most guys my age with jobs tend to want working girls.

 

If I was in my 30s of course Id say many guys want kids. And if I was from your generation Id say many guys want a SAHM as a wife. However the younger generation is much different.

I think you were jumping the gun about the baby chick. Too much assuming and you don't know her well enough to know how much she actually means what she's saying about the baby comment, etc.

There are just certain things you dont say to a guy youre getting to know...especially a man my age. Sure I could be jumping the gun, but Ive seen too many situations, and heard to many stories, of young women who get baby fever and have kids before they are financially ready or before the guy is really ready. And some have the kids with the wrong guy, instead of really thinking about who would make good husband and father material down the line.

 

I have to say this for the SAHM wannabe lady gal, I don't actually have my own children. So, maybe some will think I have no right to say this but I've been like a step parent for my nephew since the day he was born for all kinds of reasons. I think there is a big misconception that SAHM are lazy or lack motivation. I don't plan to be a SAHM because I'm passionate about the career field I'm going into and I know I would feel I was missing out. But, that doesn't mean I'm not plagued with doubt that my selfishness is going to come at the cost of my children.

Did I call anyone lazy? I just want a girl similar to me. And a working women gives me someone I can relate to and who can help keep up the household financially. Like I said, all Ive known growing up were independent working women. Those were always the matriarch figures Ive known, whether it was my mom, aunt, or best friends mom. I have a couple other reasons too...but this thread isnt about SAHMs

Not every SAHM is a great Mom. Some really are the Peg Bundy type and this doesn't apply to them. But, some Mom's work very hard to raise their children right and that takes more balls,brains, and braun than you could ever imagine. There's nothing in the professional life that even compares to what it takes to raise my Nephew right. Nothing. There's nothing greater or more challenging I will accomplish as a "independent working gal". So, instead of being so quick to count her out you should consider that she might be the type of person who would be an amazing Mother to your children and that's more important than having another income in the house, trust.

Sorry, but a woman who wants to stay at home will have greatly different views than me on some very important things to me.

 

I mean, I wouldnt expect any woman to be OK with a stay at home dad just because hed be a good father. Most women would be turned off and the guy would never get the chance if he told her that right away. Or his wife would be turned off if he said that after they had kids.

 

People tend to lose respect for folks they dont see as pulling their weight...and generally women dont think a man who isnt working is pulling his weight.

Edited August 14, 2013 by kaylan

[kaylan]

I totally understand your reaction, but why wouldn't you expect that from a woman in her mid-20s? I don't think it's unreasonable for women to want to have their first child in their early 30s, if possible. That's my preferred time frame. When I was younger, I didn't think I'd ever be one of those baby crazy people, but for some of us, it hits like a wave around this age. The past two years for me have been nothing like I've ever experienced in terms of wanting kids. You don't exactly have a ton of time as it is. There are women who wait for exactly the right time and find that they're suddenly having a difficult time conceiving from age-related issues.

 

Again, not saying you should date that girl. If her saying that makes you want to run, then run. You're fully justified in not wanting anything with her. Just pointing out that it's not particularly odd for a woman in her mid-20s to want to have kids within a few years.

I expect a mid 20s woman to be mature and sensible. Not just saying how she has baby fever and wants them very soon. It doesnt seem practical to have kids when you arent financially ready or if you arent with the love of your life. Many chicks just rush it because they have to have a baby right then and there.

 

I mean, if her and I are having a legit discussion about kids...and Im saying Id like them when I can afford a comfortable life for them...she shouldnt be shrugging that off. Nor should she shrug off the idea that the person you have kids with should be the right person for you. We touched on the fact that a lot of women settle and end up with the wrong guy just because they want kids then and there. She didnt really seem phased by it.

 

Sorry but thats a turn off. I like a practical woman who can keep her emotions in check. Yes rugrats can be cute little bugger who tug on the heart strings, but its a heavy commitment...and I want to be emotionally and financially prepared for that. My mom struggled during some of the time she brought up my brother and I, and my parents are separated as well.

 

I dont want that for my kids. So if a chick says things to me that makes it seems like shed jump into a financial struggle, or have a child with someone she will likely be separated from in the future...its just a real turn off.

Made a mistake here IMO. To me that just shows she would be a dedicated mom. GL with your "working mom only" quest but I bet the odds will be much higher that you'll end up divorced.

Got stats to back this up? Because I know divorced working women, and married working women. I also have known married SAHMs and former SAHMs who are now divorced and took some of their husbands money. You know what will increase my chances of divorce? Marrying a woman who desires a different family structure than I.

 

And also, both working women and SAHMs can be dedicated moms btw. Get real bro.

The girls were definitely incompatible with you, IMO, based on what we know about you from your posts. No harm in breaking things off in that case.

 

You certainly don't speak for all men, though. A close friend of mine just got engaged to his long-term gf, and they have both openly talked about plans for babies in the next couple of years, and plans for the girl being a SAHM. They're mid-twenties, too.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

Dont you live in Europe? The USA culture for the younger generation has seen a big shift away from stay at home parents over the last 50 years. I never said I spoke for all men, I was making the point that many men my age feel similarly about kids and working women at this point in our lives. Of course different strokes for different folks, I was merely sharing my attitudes on this as a young working dude.

Edited August 14, 2013 by kaylan

[StanMusial]

If family matters are a deal breaker for you, so be it.

 

It is wise to think about these matters and try to make informed decisions in life.

 

As far as marriage and baby-making goes...

 

One word of caution, don't over-analyze it... life tends to happen while you sit around and stew over things. Don't ever think you can get every little thing lined up perfectly before you take that leap.

[Ruby Slippers]

Consider my age. Most guys my age dont want kids, and most guys my age with jobs tend to want working girls.

 

If I was in my 30s of course Id say many guys want kids.

My boyfriend is 31 and says he's been ready to get married and support a family since the age of 23. He spent most of his 20s focusing on his career and didn't get serious about dating until late 20s - but he's an example of a 20-something guy who did not share your mentality.

 

It's fine that you want what you want - but not everybody wants the same.

[BluEyeL]

My boyfriend is 31 and says he's been ready to get married and support a family since the age of 23. He spent most of his 20s focusing on his career and didn't get serious about dating until late 20s - but he's an example of a 20-something guy who did not share your mentality.

 

It's fine that you want what you want - but not everybody wants the same.

You are right, nevertheless, I think it is just the exception that someone would come so strong on the kids/marriage/sahm stuff in early dating stages. Normally people are more cautious and you need to know each other a bit before you open such subjects. I think a man might want the same things, but when he first meets someone not a lot of them want to hear that from the get go. They just want to have dinner and go to a movie with you, not go into such discussions. If a man would come to me with kids/marriage who's working and who's not in the first few dates, I'd run, I'd think he's a bit too intense and maybe even a bit crazy.

[StanMusial]

You are right, nevertheless, I think it is just the exception that someone would come so strong on the kids/marriage/sahm stuff in early dating stages. Normally people are more cautious and you need to know each other a bit before you open such subjects. I think a man might want the same things, but when he first meets someone not a lot of them want to hear that from the get go. They just want to have dinner and go to a movie with you, not go into such discussions. If a man would come to me with kids/marriage who's working and who's not in the first few dates, I'd run, I'd think he's a bit too intense and maybe even a bit crazy.

 

Don't put the cart in front of the horse.

[kaylan]

My boyfriend is 31 and says he's been ready to get married and support a family since the age of 23. He spent most of his 20s focusing on his career and didn't get serious about dating until late 20s - but he's an example of a 20-something guy who did not share your mentality.

 

It's fine that you want what you want - but not everybody wants the same.

Most =/= all.

 

I never said everybody wants the same things. I just said most young guys arent ready for kids yet. I mean I dont think anyone can argue that. Just look at the threads on this forum and across the web, talk to your girlfriends or remember your own dating past. Many guys in their 20s are skittish about relationships, let alone kids.

[Ruby Slippers]

If a man would come to me with kids/marriage who's working and who's not in the first few dates, I'd run, I'd think he's a bit too intense and maybe even a bit crazy.

That suggests to me you're not at a point in your life where you're serious about marriage and kids. I am, so I appreciated that he put these topics on the table right away. It communicated his seriousness and told me we were on the same page. He came right out and said he's not interested in dating just for the sake of it, but to get to know someone and determine if there's compatibility for more - that is, marriage and a family.

[kaylan]

^1 must know their audience. Such forwardness regarding settling down is a lot more welcome to people in their 30s than people in their 20s.

You are right, nevertheless, I think it is just the exception that someone would come so strong on the kids/marriage/sahm stuff in early dating stages. Normally people are more cautious and you need to know each other a bit before you open such subjects. I think a man might want the same things, but when he first meets someone not a lot of them want to hear that from the get go. They just want to have dinner and go to a movie with you, not go into such discussions. If a man would come to me with kids/marriage who's working and who's not in the first few dates, I'd run, I'd think he's a bit too intense and maybe even a bit crazy.

This exactly. I had a hard time wrapping my head around why the girl said the things she did. I mean its better I know now then get into a not so good situation later. But usually women dont blurt certain things out early on, in order to keep things light and fun.