Scale of 1-10

[MissBee]

I was prepared to leave the common law marriage much earlier, but since my MM was not willing to leave his marriage I saw no reason to deny myself the sex I could have in my common law marriage. I ended it when I was 100% focused on my MM sexually and no longer enjoyed sex with my common law spouse.

 

I should add, my common law spouse was aware of my relationship with my MM the entire time. He chose to stay in the common law marriage albeit under protest. He still has not, now years later, forgiven me for what he considers infidelity.

 

If the sex was at a 2...why did it matter to stay for the level 2 sex?

[wanting more]

If you are a WS, or were- how would you rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being best I've ever had) just prior to/ during your A?

 

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M?

0 He wasnt meeting mine, I wasn't meeting his

 

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?

8. I was happy and content with the A at the time

 

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?

5. We still had sex, we'd always had great sex

 

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A?

8. It was great sex. Because it was exciting and new.

 

**** another generalization I see about MOW that's not true, I did NOT have sex with xMM then go home and have sex with BSO***

[compulsivedancer]

fWS here:

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M? 8. It was pretty good, actually. My emotional needs that weren't being met had nothing to do with H. My self-image was shattered due to my difficulties finding good employment and a cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing.

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A? 3. It gave me validation, but I was jealous and needy with OM, which I never was with H. Also, I always struggled with the idea that he would have sex/have A with any woman, not me specifically, so I never felt particularly special.

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M? 6. We had some issues that held us back. Sex was very restrained.

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A? 10. It was great while it lasted.

 

Emotional needs being met in M now: It's a complete roller coaster, but I think I'm meeting his needs a lot better than before (with the notable exception of all the leftover affair crap we have to deal with, which is a BIG caveat)

 

Sexual needs being met in M now: 10. H no longer sees me as the Madonna (Madonna/whore complex), so he is much freer with sex now.

[LilGirlandOW]

**deleted**

Edited August 17, 2013 by LilGirlandOW

[road]

I informed him from the very first email I received and continued to keep him informed.

 

 

 

Obviously you think like him. My perspective is different. I told him of the new conditions of our relationship and he chose to stay.

 

 

Because a WW tells her BH that she is going out to bang the OM tonight. Or I won't be home this weekend because the OM is taking me away on a trip. What is being done is still an affair.

 

During your affair you were not the first WW to rub her BH's face in the manure of the affair. See affairs are not unique.

 

Telling a BH that does not want to divorce before the affair, still does not want to divorce during the affair, telling of new conditions is not an option. It is just a one sided demand. Saying that you are now going to have an open marriage does not make it an agreement on the BH's part.

 

And you seem surprised how your BH has problems from back then.

 

How long ago was your affair?

 

How long did the affair last?

 

How did the affair end and where is the OM now?

[Anna-Belle]

How long ago was your affair?

 

How long did the affair last?

 

How did the affair end and where is the OM now?

 

My sMM and I reconnected in 2005. My common law marriage ended in 2007. My sMM had a Dday this spring and moved out of the marital home shortly thereafter.

 

Because a WW tells her BH that she is going out to bang the OM tonight. Or I won't be home this weekend because the OM is taking me away on a trip. What is being done is still an affair.

 

I'm inclined to agree with you here, having been the BS myself and being aware what was going on.

 

During your affair you were not the first WW to rub her BH's face in the manure of the affair. See affairs are not unique.

 

Now to be fair my common law spouse had actually encouraged me to go on online dating sites when I expressed unhappiness with our relationship. Turns out he did not expect me to actually have another relationship.

 

Telling a BH that does not want to divorce before the affair, still does not want to divorce during the affair, telling of new conditions is not an option. It is just a one sided demand. Saying that you are now going to have an open marriage does not make it an agreement on the BH's part.

 

I appreciate your comments. It is not entirely clear to me how to view this. From my side it was polyamory like Better said. But my common law spouse did not agree to it like you are pointing out. He had no choice if he wanted to keep having a relationship with me.

 

I've been myself on the other end in relationships like this, even with this very man actually. So I can sympathize.

 

Something he said: "I thought you'd come back to me like I always did to you." Seems that was the biggest betrayal of all to him.

 

I'll have to think about this some more. I guess I did use him to fill in the voids of my relationship with my MM. Interesting. Relationships overlapping.

 

So what you are saying then is that lies and dishonesty is not a necessary ingredient in an EMR? And honesty does not make it not be an EMR?

 

The alternative was however never not to have the relationship with my now-sMM. That quickly became my primary relationship. If I had had to choose early on, I would have ended the common law marriage immediately.

Edited August 17, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[Betterthanthis13]

All I know is that you can't MAKE someone WANT to be with you under your specific conditions. If your needs are not being met and you think what your spouse is doing, with full disclosure btw, is intolerable- YOU have the choice to leave. No, it not "fair". It is not what you "want". Who said you were entitled to get what you want? Are you a tyrant? A dictator? A kidnapper? No? Ok then. Live in reality on earth with us humans.

 

You can't always have what you want. Sometimes life hurts. Be grateful for the honest information. I dont think Anna Belle cheated- That's how I see it.

 

Maybe marriage is supposed to be all sacrifice? Isn't there a tipping point?

 

I bought Proactiv solution on auto renew from QVC and had them ship me my face cleaning stuff for a few years. I liked it for a long time. they will ship it to you forever if you dont tell them to stop. Last year i started getting wrinkles and I didn't want to buy Proactiv anymore. But I was signed up for auto renew- a forever contract. I informed them of my decision and told them to stop shipping to me.

 

For some reason they kept shipping but didnt charge my card. I keep getting Proactiv in the mail. Finally I called and told them because I felt bad, but at least 3-4 shipments came before I got around to calling. Did I cheat on Proactiv?

[motoducati]

compulsive dancer:

 

For the last 2 months of your affair you had comparative sex with BH and OM. In the aftermath of D-day you informed BH that he was a 6 while OM was a 10. I cannot imagine BH's pain upon this revelation. At anytime during those 2 months did you disclose the same information to the OM?

 

Was the affair sex being a 10 caused by:

The novelty of a second sexual partner?

The OM was more masculine or physically superior to BH?

The thrill on new sexual adventures?

Simply the anticipation of your long-standing desire for OM made the affair sex being great a self-fulfilling prophecy?

 

You feel your marriage sex is now a 10, but what accounts for this change of your opinion?

 

Do you know what score your BH assigns to your current marriage sex and what he bases his opinion on?

[compulsivedancer]

compulsive dancer:

 

For the last 2 months of your affair you had comparative sex with BH and OM. In the aftermath of D-day you informed BH that he was a 6 while OM was a 10. I cannot imagine BH's pain upon this revelation. At anytime during those 2 months did you disclose the same information to the OM?

 

Was the affair sex being a 10 caused by:

The novelty of a second sexual partner? Well, maybe not a second one, but a new one, yes.

The OM was more masculine or physically superior to BH?Definitely not. H is physically superior and also much better at technique. Also, he knows my body better.

The thrill on new sexual adventures?Definitely

Simply the anticipation of your long-standing desire for OM made the affair sex being great a self-fulfilling prophecy? Probably, since there was a long build-up leading to full-on sex.

 

You feel your marriage sex is now a 10, but what accounts for this change of your opinion?

 

Before the affair, H had a lot of hang-ups about sex. He wanted to respect me and wouldn't let himself go with me. Sex was pretty conservative. (I've heard this called the Madonna-Whore complex, although in this case I enjoyed acting like a whore with AP in part because H was only interested in treating me like a Madonna).

 

AP was not interested in respecting me and consequently, we tried a variety of new things. The actual sex was probably only 6-7, but the excitement and newness (the affair hormones, intensity, fog, etc) bumped it up considerably. I was 100% satisfied with what he was providing, which is why I rate it 10. I imagine if we had entered into a long-term relationship, this number would've dropped.

 

After DDay, H was very upset because in reading the text transcript he found between me and AP, he saw a side of me that I had never shown to him. He kept asking me why I never showed that side to him. I told him that I never knew it existed before. Additionally, he made it clear that he couldn't handle that side of sex, and because I had a hard time with the rejection, I stopped asking for those things.

 

I think we were in a bit of a HB period, and H was seeing me as a bit of a whore, so this gave him the ability/opportunity to explore some of the other aspects of sex. I feel like we are finally experiencing sex the way it can be experienced.

 

Do you know what score your BH assigns to your current marriage sex and what he bases his opinion on?

 

I asked him after I read your response. He gave the same ratings as me: 6 before, 10 now.

[cocorico]

 

If you are OW/ OM, how do you think WS would respond to these questions?

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M?

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A?

.

 

We do chat about these things from time to time, so I can report what he has said in the past:

 

1. < 0 Definitely in the negative integer range. He felt he was giving and giving emotionally, and getting nothing back.

2. Off the scale, initially - he was so unused to being heard, being cared about, etc that he hardly knew how to make sense of it all. After time, IC and a gradual normalisation, it has settled down to a balanced give-and-receive where we both feel our emotional needs are fully satisfied.

3. 0 - > 0. There was nothing happening sexually in the M, so d rank that as 0, but she would also take any chance she could to humiliate him publicly for his pack of sexual interest in her, which probably takes it into negative scores.

4. Hmm. Tough one. He discovered new things that really really worked for him, which would equate with a high score (he reckons he'd score it off the scale) but OTOH it was LDR so presumably his needs were not being as fully met as they have been since we've been together FT.

[MMY]

if you are a ws, or were- how would you rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being best i've ever had) just prior to/ during your a?

 

If you are bs, how do you think your ws would respond to these questions?

 

If you are ow/ om, how do you think ws would respond to these questions?

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your m?

2. Your emotional needs being met in your a?

3. Your sexual needs being met in your m?

4. Your sexual needs being met in your a?

 

I'm not great at math and can't really be bothered to figure out the exact number, but i know that if you take the number of possible combinations of answers, it would be a lot. Just a side note. I'm really curious about the actual answers.

.............

0

9

0

10