Scale of 1-10

[Betterthanthis13]

If you are a WS, or were- how would you rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being best I've ever had) just prior to/ during your A?

 

If you are BS, how do you think your WS would respond to these questions?

 

If you are OW/ OM, how do you think WS would respond to these questions?

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M?

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A?

 

I'm not great at math and can't really be bothered to figure out the exact number, but I know that if you take the number of possible combinations of answers, it would be a lot. Just a side note. I'm really curious about the actual answers.

[LimeBlue]

Level of satisfaction, I am guessing you mean within the M prior to the A? In my case, less than zero.

[Betterthanthis13]

Level of satisfaction, I am guessing you mean within the M prior to the A? In my case, less than zero.

 

I remember your story, I would think less than zero in the M for both emotional and sex. What about in the A? Was it objectively a very fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship (9-10) or was it just a guy who was not your husband, and therefore might have seemed better at the time for you than he really was?

 

I'm not picking on you, I'm just curious- I am so happy you left that man.

[Anna-Belle]

If you are a WS, or were- how would you rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being best I've ever had) just prior to/ during your A?

 

I was in a common law marriage for the first year and a half I was with my MM.

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M?

3

 

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?

9

 

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?

2

 

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A?

10

[Got it]

If you are a WS, or were- how would you rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being best I've ever had) just prior to/ during your A?

 

If you are BS, how do you think your WS would respond to these questions?

 

If you are OW/ OM, how do you think WS would respond to these questions?

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M?

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A?

 

I'm not great at math and can't really be bothered to figure out the exact number, but I know that if you take the number of possible combinations of answers, it would be a lot. Just a side note. I'm really curious about the actual answers.

 

As a WS:

 

1. 3

2. 8

3. 0

4. 10

 

Which is why I left the marriage within weeks.

[Betterthanthis13]

As a WS:

 

1. 3

2. 8

3. 0

4. 10

 

Which is why I left the marriage within weeks.

 

What else made you leave so quickly? Were you on the verge of D anyway?

[Betterthanthis13]

I was in a common law marriage for the first year and a half I was with my MM.

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M?

3

 

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?

9

 

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?

2

 

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A?

10

 

If the A relationship was so much more satisfying than the common law M, why did you remain in both relationships for a year and a half?

[Anna-Belle]

If the A relationship was so much more satisfying than the common law M, why did you remain in both relationships for a year and a half?

 

I was prepared to leave the common law marriage much earlier, but since my MM was not willing to leave his marriage I saw no reason to deny myself the sex I could have in my common law marriage. I ended it when I was 100% focused on my MM sexually and no longer enjoyed sex with my common law spouse.

 

I should add, my common law spouse was aware of my relationship with my MM the entire time. He chose to stay in the common law marriage albeit under protest. He still has not, now years later, forgiven me for what he considers infidelity.

[road]

I was prepared to leave the common law marriage much earlier, but since my MM was not willing to leave his marriage I saw no reason to deny myself the sex I could have in my common law marriage. I ended it when I was 100% focused on my MM sexually and no longer enjoyed sex with my common law spouse.

 

I should add, my common law spouse was aware of my relationship with my MM the entire time. He chose to stay in the common law marriage albeit under protest. He still has not, now years later, forgiven me for what he considers infidelity.

 

It was infidelity. This is one main reason that he has problems with you now. That you have not owned what you did back then.

[Betterthanthis13]

I was prepared to leave the common law marriage much earlier, but since my MM was not willing to leave his marriage I saw no reason to deny myself the sex I could have in my common law marriage. I ended it when I was 100% focused on my MM sexually and no longer enjoyed sex with my common law spouse.

 

I should add, my common law spouse was aware of my relationship with my MM the entire time. He chose to stay in the common law marriage albeit under protest. He still has not, now years later, forgiven me for what he considers infidelity.

 

How can he consider it cheating if he was informed?

 

That is polyamory not cheating- did you inform him or did he discover a clandestine A?

[Got it]

What else made you leave so quickly? Were you on the verge of D anyway?

 

I didn't divorce because of the affair though the affair, or the ability to have sex with someone else, was the final black and white point where I realized that I was at the point of no return.

 

Yes I had been working through for years my unhappiness in the marriage and there had been a few pivotal points the last two years where I realized I was going to need to divorce. I was working on it when I started the affair and at that point I had no interest in trying to live a dual life. I had no interest in continuing to disrespect my spouse either. While I wasn't happy in the marriage I didn't hate him or anything. He was/is a good guy. Just not the right guy for me and we weren't good for a long time and he refused to seek therapy even when I was going. And I was afraid to be alone until that last year (my career had taken off, I was making as much as him, and so I could support myself, I had more self confidence, etc.). In my situation it was easier than others, no kids, we each made six figures, some debt and shared ownership in a house. So we rented the house, separate things pretty smoothly and had an amicable divorce. He met his wife a few months after we separated and she moved in with him before we were divorced and they now have a child. He doesn't know about the affair and I stand by that decision for many reasons. Some don't agree and I respect that but in my situation I didn't see the point. I didn't make out in the divorce, it wouldn't have been a factor as there was no alimony or child support, etc. While divorce is never fun, it was one of the most uneventful divorces that I know.

[Betterthanthis13]

@ Got it-

 

That sounds legitimately like not a big deal at all. A few weeks, realized nope I don't want to live a lie, time to go.

 

Bad choice, oops, forgive yourself, move on. I think even if you did tell, that choice to cheat is easily forgiven. I don't know your ex, maybe it would do more harm than good to tell him- but I don't make the decision that way. I'm almost always in favor of informing the BS. 99.9% of the time. In your case I don't see the point of it, it just seems irrelevant. Like stealing a pack of gum from a convenience store vs robbing a convenience store at gunpoint. Both are stealing. If you stole the gum and never stole again, so freaking what.

 

The problem I see is, on the OW/OM board, that a lot of their MM/MW's are telling a version of your story, except they don't leave the BS- for years and years and years.... boggles my mind.

[Betterthanthis13]

It was infidelity. This is one main reason that he has problems with you now. That you have not owned what you did back then.

 

What is your definition of infidelity?

[Got it]

@ Got it-

 

That sounds legitimately like not a big deal at all. A few weeks, realized nope I don't want to live a lie, time to go.

 

Bad choice, oops, forgive yourself, move on. I think even if you did tell, that choice to cheat is easily forgiven. I don't know your ex, maybe it would do more harm than good to tell him- but I don't make the decision that way. I'm almost always in favor of informing the BS. 99.9% of the time. In your case I don't see the point of it, it just seems irrelevant. Like stealing a pack of gum from a convenience store vs robbing a convenience store at gunpoint. Both are stealing. If you stole the gum and never stole again, so freaking what.

 

The problem I see is, on the OW/OM board, that a lot of their MM/MW's are telling a version of your story, except they don't leave the BS- for years and years and years.... boggles my mind.

 

Eh. I agree that I felt it would have hit his ego more. But I don't deny that there is some self interest in there as well. So I own that he may find out one day and I will confront it then if needed.

 

I agree, that is why I gave my AP a year to turn things around. He said he was there for some specific financial reasons, they made sense, and so a year was amble to time to make it happen without the affair becoming a lifestyle choice. I understood and appreciated his situation but there are limits. I was not going to be part of any fence sitting as I didn't understand if one wanted to leave why they didn't.

 

While not tied to an affair, I saw this with my parents. They hated the marriage, discussed wanting to divorce but never did anything. It was all talk and misery for decades until the kids were grown. And I never understood that nor did I want to be like that (nor support it). So if he was done with his marriage then he needed to move on, if he wasn't, if there was an inkling of anything there he needed to focus on that. I would understand but I wouldn't be waiting in the wings either. Lol, I am not good at martyrdom.

[Betterthanthis13]

Eh. I agree that I felt it would have hit his ego more. But I don't deny that there is some self interest in there as well. So I own that he may find out one day and I will confront it then if needed.

 

I agree, that is why I gave my AP a year to turn things around. He said he was there for some specific financial reasons, they made sense, and so a year was amble to time to make it happen without the affair becoming a lifestyle choice. I understood and appreciated his situation but there are limits. I was not going to be part of any fence sitting as I didn't understand if one wanted to leave why they didn't.

 

While not tied to an affair, I saw this with my parents. They hated the marriage, discussed wanting to divorce but never did anything. It was all talk and misery for decades until the kids were grown. And I never understood that nor did I want to be like that (nor support it). So if he was done with his marriage then he needed to move on, if he wasn't, if there was an inkling of anything there he needed to focus on that. I would understand but I wouldn't be waiting in the wings either. Lol, I am not good at martyrdom.

 

So did your AP leave? Are you still together?

Did you have any hesitation setting a time limit to how long you would accept the logical sounding financial reasons that were keeping the M intact? That is another trend I notice, OW/OM not wanting to "push" their AP for any sort of definitive time frame. I could be wrong of course, just casual observations from LS.

[Anna-Belle]

How can he consider it cheating if he was informed?

 

That is polyamory not cheating- did you inform him or did he discover a clandestine A?

 

I informed him from the very first email I received and continued to keep him informed.

 

It was infidelity. This is one main reason that he has problems with you now. That you have not owned what you did back then.

 

Obviously you think like him. My perspective is different. I told him of the new conditions of our relationship and he chose to stay.

[Got it]

So did your AP leave? Are you still together?

Did you have any hesitation setting a time limit to how long you would accept the logical sounding financial reasons that were keeping the M intact? That is another trend I notice, OW/OM not wanting to "push" their AP for any sort of definitive time frame. I could be wrong of course, just casual observations from LS.

 

We are married now.

 

No, no hesitation from me. We set up the perimeters early on how our relationship would be set up, expectations on deadlines, communication, interactions, etc and I recapped it in an email and set it to him for his records. I didn't want to deal with fuzzy memory a year later.

 

I am a pretty pragmatic soul, so strong emotion doesn't sit well with me in general. So I went about this just like I would in a work setting, we basically draw up a contract/ action plan, both parties area to the terms and we go from there.

 

I have joked I missed the OW handbook because I really bucked the trends. I did what worked for me based on the ultimate compromise that I would be his mistress for a year. But outside of that I wanted "boyfriend" standards and whatever hoops he had to jump through was his baby to rock not mine. He had the ability to end things on either end if it became too much. But no, I did not sympathize with him for being married. I made compromises when I was okay with them but it wasn't a carte blanche get out of jail free card. I have joked I was a very high maintenance mistress. I didn't want it to be too comfy for him.

[LimeBlue]

I remember your story, I would think less than zero in the M for both emotional and sex. What about in the A? Was it objectively a very fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship (9-10) or was it just a guy who was not your husband, and therefore might have seemed better at the time for you than he really was?

 

I'm not picking on you, I'm just curious- I am so happy you left that man.

 

Yes you are correct - less than zero for emotional and sexual in my M. In my A it was a complete turn around (as it always is) and it would say on an emotional level it started off as 10, but diminished to 0 over the course of it because he started running away and hiding due to not being able to carry it through (he is the type that hides in plain sight, I seem to attract them).

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes you are correct - less than zero for emotional and sexual in my M. In my A it was a complete turn around (as it always is) and it would say on an emotional level it started off as 10, but diminished to 0 over the course of it because he started running away and hiding due to not being able to carry it through (he is the type that hides in plain sight, I seem to attract them).

 

Is this the guy you are married to now?

 

Hides in plain sight... Ugh let me guess- avoids questions, changes the subject, answers unasked questions instead of the one you asked, etc

[Betterthanthis13]

We are married now.

 

No, no hesitation from me. We set up the perimeters early on how our relationship would be set up, expectations on deadlines, communication, interactions, etc and I recapped it in an email and set it to him for his records. I didn't want to deal with fuzzy memory a year later.

 

I am a pretty pragmatic soul, so strong emotion doesn't sit well with me in general. So I went about this just like I would in a work setting, we basically draw up a contract/ action plan, both parties area to the terms and we go from there.

 

I have joked I missed the OW handbook because I really bucked the trends. I did what worked for me based on the ultimate compromise that I would be his mistress for a year. But outside of that I wanted "boyfriend" standards and whatever hoops he had to jump through was his baby to rock not mine. He had the ability to end things on either end if it became too much. But no, I did not sympathize with him for being married. I made compromises when I was okay with them but it wasn't a carte blanche get out of jail free card. I have joked I was a very high maintenance mistress. I didn't want it to be too comfy for him.

 

I think everything you just said should be in the "OW handbook", if ever there was to be such a thing

[LimeBlue]

Is this the guy you are married to now?

 

Hides in plain sight... Ugh let me guess- avoids questions, changes the subject, answers unasked questions instead of the one you asked, etc

 

Yes, same guy, first marriage (and come the day we ever divorce, it will be my last because I sure as **** am not doing this again).

 

Yip, hides in plain sight - you hit the nail there.

 

Edit to add: Also hides from public view, hides who he is from certain people (they only see one side, I saw another) and so on.

[Betterthanthis13]

I informed him from the very first email I received and continued to keep him informed.

 

 

 

Obviously you think like him. My perspective is different. I told him of the new conditions of our relationship and he chose to stay.

 

Therefore, by him staying in the relationship he supplied consent for your other relationship. He was informed, and he provided consent. That is not an affair by any definition on planet earth that I know of.

 

Kidnappers sometimes want their victims to fall in love with them. But hostages often do not want to love their kidnappers. The kidnapper can WANT it to be a love relationship all he wants until he is blue in the face. You can not MAKE someone want what you want. So even if he had gone to the length of chaining you to the wall and holding you hostage, if you wanted to be with someone else he has no control over that. You told him you wanted to have a relationship with someone else and he consented to it.

 

I can understand him not being happy with your decision at the time. Being upset. Hurt. Angry. Even feeling betrayed, until he got some time and distance to analyze the situation. But not seeing reality even years later? That is annoying.

[Coolit]

If you are a WS, or were- how would you rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being best I've ever had) just prior to/ during your A?

 

If you are BS, how do you think your WS would respond to these questions?

 

If you are OW/ OM, how do you think WS would respond to these questions?

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M? I hate giving a number but I'd say they were met by my husband as much as they should be. He is warm, sympathetic and a good listener but sometimes says those things you really shouldn't say out loud. I'd say an 8

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A?my a created more emotional needs then met. I basically went crazy. But at the time, before the crazy caught up with me an when our "friendship" was blossoming I'd say more then met any neediness. xMM was attentive and didn't have a job so we could communicate a lot. And hang out frequently (only as friends). Probably 10 at the beginning and a 0 just prior to him ending it

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M?2. We had sex rarely. And only if I initiated. And it wasn't good for me.

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A? I can't really give a Number for this as we only had sex 3 times. xMM was the second guy I ever had sex with. He was/is far more skilled at pleasing a lady. And he should be. He wishes he were a man whore.

I'm not great at math and can't really be bothered to figure out the exact number, but I know that if you take the number of possible combinations of answers, it would be a lot. Just a side note. I'm really curious about the actual answers.

 

fWS and one who "wanted to know what it felt like" and "never planned to get caught" well I was good at the not getting caught (pretty easy with a trusting spouse and the ability not to change my behaviour at home.) but apparently I can't get rid of my moral code no matter how hard I try. And doing something you think is wrong, on purpose, can take a toll on you.

[Betterthanthis13]

fWS and one who "wanted to know what it felt like" and "never planned to get caught" well I was good at the not getting caught (pretty easy with a trusting spouse and the ability not to change my behaviour at home.) but apparently I can't get rid of my moral code no matter how hard I try. And doing something you think is wrong, on purpose, can take a toll on you..

 

True x infinity

[Speakingofwhich]

Think MM (WS) would say:

 

 

1. Your emotional needs being met in your M? 0

 

2. Your emotional needs being met in your A? 10

 

3. Your sexual needs being met in your M? 0

 

4. Your sexual needs being met in your A? 0