How come we never see or believe the signs

[Makingadifference]

Hi, I'm new to forums but I wanted to share my experience see if others have and offer help as well at the end of the post. Ok, I was with someone for 9 years. Last month I found out I was being cheated on almost the entire time! I left immediately when I found out. Here's the short of it. It's been hard for me to find someone that I could actually believe truly loved me because of how people are about money. I am well off. If I accomplished that, I also had to find someone to be ok with me being gone for work a total of 3 mths a year spread out and that I couldn't discuss details about certain things because I'm a network and communications security advisor. Well, for 9 years I thought I had a perfect life but recently found out I was constantly being cheated on. I never invaded privacy of people close to me. When I found out, she and one of my closest friends made a plan to take alot from me. Other people I know knew about alot and instead of telling me, some of them did the same in a smaller capacity. I feel like I have lost trust in people. And don't want to carry this with me to future friendships or relationships, I'm devistated, lost my fiancé, friends, I'm sad and don't feel like myself at all and don't want to speak really with anyone right now because I don't know who else to trust.

How have you overcome the feelings and not carried this with you after? Nine years is a long time. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. If you think this is happening like texts, call logs, pictures, computer or everything's deleted I can tell you how if you can message people here. I was great to everyone around me and couldn't imagine this happening if we were married, shared a house and had kids.

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[hayewils]

9 years is a long time. first I will say, good that you guys didn't have children. Unforunatly, in my experience with cheaters are, once a cheater, always a cheater. My first ex wife cheated on me, never admitted it but she called it an inappropriate relationship.. What is that? its cheating. Period!

This is the woman I have three children with. she and I didn't talk for several years after the divorce but did eventually come to a point where we could talk. The last time I spoke to her, she had just left her second husband. She admitted to me that he cheated but she had cheated also.. see the scenario?

Pete, Repeat... The do this.

So getting out is the right thing even though it is a 9 year relationship.

You actually save yourself not only from a marriage disaster, children involved, but also investments..

I consider you lucky. who in the world would want to live with someone who habitually does this. I loved my current wife with all my heart, I would have given up my own life to save hers but, if I had ever found out she cheated on me.. UGh!

As Forest Gump says, that all I have to say about that..

I will also tell you that ofcourse you will carry this with you through life. 9 years in a relationship doesn't just go away. You will carry it, you will learn from it. Its all up to you how you handle it. It can be negative, it can be positive for you. Its all how YOU handle it. I think considering the whole situation you actually saved yourself from, it can be positive.

I too am in a fortunate situation, nice furniture, nice home, paid off..

I have made a choice that I will not let anyone I meet come to my house till weve dated for a couple months. I want to see how things go and get a feel for things.. To many people see or find out what you've worked so hard for and they, well, in my opinion start making wedding plans off of unrealistic adventures.. Know what I mean. so, keep things under the sheets..

That's what Im gonna do. I want to meet someone who I feel cares for me for me and me alone. Not for what I have.

At that point, then I will have them over. But not a moment to soon.

 

Take care and good luck and keep posting.

 

Scott

[hayewils]

and to answer the question of your post, how come we don't see or believe the signs..

 

CAUSE WE ARE HUMAN.

 

We don't want to accept the worst. we don't want to believe the worst.

We naturally believe things are ok so then we just start analyzing.

I had many many signs and never moved on them cause I always felt things were because of my own insecurities, so I just let things go.

one thing I have learned from everything is this, instincts..

my instincts always told me something wasn't right.

My instincts always told me my wife would leave.

So as I said in my first post, its all about how you handle it.

I tell you what, in the future, I WILL NOT ignore my instinct.

Ive learned from my past and will make it a positive thing..

 

Scott

[ComingInHot]

It kills me to read she did this to you. I think I am most disgusted that it was being planned, premeditated & malicious!

The second thing is the betrayal of others in your life you considered friends.

I am so sorry.

 

We don't see the "signs" because they aren't always obvious number 1 and number 2, we TRUST these people who say they love us and that we love to NOT hurt us!!

 

I've NEVER felt what I did the day I learned of my H's A. There just aren't the words to describe it. Maybe like drowning from the inside out but the peace of death doesn't come??

 

9 years. ya, that's a long time. It was 12 years of M when my d-day happened, so I get it*

You will get "over" it, in time. You will Never forget and because of that you will be slow to trust, then continue to verify even after you trust them. Because now, after all this, well... we're Not Stupid!

 

Why can't this EXchick make her own d@mn money?!? I Do & I work hard for it!! *

[Misfortune]

Love(emotions) blind us and we become those parents who believe their children can do no wrong.