AWilson Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 -Incoming Wall'O'Text- Ok, it looks like I'm now the OM, here's the background. I have fallen for a coworker. Our friendship had blossomed since she started at the company back in 2010. Our friendship was limited to just general chit chat via company email. Nothing too personal. Conversations in 2011 started getting a bit more personal when she had shared a bit more about her home life which obviously, she wasn't happy with. Meanwhile, my marriage had never been stable. Fast forward to November of last year when I left the company for another position elsewhere. She was visibly upset, this is the first of any emotion that I had seen from her about me. While working at the other company, we stayed in contact...but with more frequency then when I was working at the old company. We had been texting and calling each other just about every night or on the way to our respective homes. I was coaxed back to the company she was working at in March of this year. Our conversations got deeper. More emotional. More information came about how really unhappy she was in her marriage. He's abusive and emotionally nasty to her at every turn. (There is a 14 month old as well). Anyway, she invited me to spend time time with her and her daughter at the mall on Saturday afternoon, so I figured, hell, why not? Nothing happened necessarily, but, we did have an embrace at the mall. 2 days later, I invited her to grab a snow cone with me on our lunch break. Seems harmless, right? She sat right up next to me and we embraced again. At this point, we've started to share lunch hours in the car at and about in town just talking and hanging out. It got a bit more complicated when we kissed...We have explored our feelings and felt that it was what we both wanted. We were what we both wanted. On July my wife found out just about everything because she saw my phone light up and saw her picture on my phone and immediately freaked. She started digging through phone records, which obviously, I couldn't deny at that point so I just told her everything, including that I had feelings for her. I let my wife stew on that for a couple of days so I asked for a divorce. On the following Monday, the married woman told her husband that she wanted a divorce. So, all good right? Problem is, that my wife had contacted her husband told him and about me and it all came out. By that next week, married woman told me that she wanted to go NC so she could work on her marriage (his request). Part of the compromise between the was she had to stop talking to me if he would go to counseling to work on their marriage. Obviously, I was crushed. This woman I had fallen in love with. SAid that she wanted the same things I did, and would be there for me when I started my divorce process. Not 2 days later, married woman sent a text message to my mother telling her that I'm all she could think about and can't do the NC. I talked to her on that same day, she said all the right words, but still, will not leave her husband the way it is. She depends a lot on her family opinion of her life and the respect of her family. She says that she has to do it "her" way. It has been a month since all this happened, we still see each other on lunch hours a couple/few times/week, there has been no counseling sessions schedule. We try to hang out on the weekends if she's available. I've moved out of the marital home and filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. We express our feelings for each other both physically and emotionally (we've still never had sex). She said she has a plan in place to work on, but I fear it is just a stall tactic. What does she really want? How long will this take? Am I an idiot thinking she will really leave him? It was our plan from the very beginning that we do not leave our spouses for the other, we would leave our spouses because we were no longer in love with them. Get our own places and date exclusively. But I feel, that I'm the only one following through with our plan. I understand her hesitation, I'm not naive, there is a 14 month old baby girl stuck in the middle of all this. But I still fear in the back of my mind, that this could all crumble apart. The evenings for me are the most brutal because she has to go home to him and his behavior. Because of work issues, we've kept that quiet. My parents know what's going on, but I'm a complete secret from all of her friends. I have to be kept blocked on her phone (we use a different type of messenger). And I basically can't initiate contact in fear of her husband finding out that she is still in contact with me. I feel like I need to be at her every beck and call just to talk to her. I run at every opportunity to see her even if it is just for 5 minutes at a store somewhere or a park. She still participates with family dinners with their parents and they play happy families while at the zoos, museums, or just generally out. She continues to say that she's got a plan, the current plan is to get a part time job to save up enough money for a down-payment on another home for after her divorce because she can't afford the home on her own that they are in now. She still sleeps in the marital bed. She says constantly that he has never been attracted to her and there is no affection between the two of them. They've apparently only had sex twice in the last 14 months and that was just after their baby was born. I care so deeply for this woman, I never thought possible a woman of her beauty would ever be interested in the type of guy I am. What are the possibilities that this will end up with me not being hurt? And I just delaying the inevitable? After my divorce is finalized (it isn't difficult, we don't have much should take but a couple of months) what will my life be like? I find myself getting more upset to find out about stuff that they do as a couple, because I to, wish I was him.
RickFox Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Probably projecting here, but I'd say you are in for a world of hurt. Moreso than you ever thought you'd feel, especially if you have allowed your male mind to open up to her and fall head over heels emotionally for her. She easily shut you out, her loyalties lie with her H and family, you are there to make her feel better. If you truly want to see how this plays out, then you will have to go NC completely, at work as well..no email, no lunch, NO NOTHING! It will help you cope if she never comes back and it will help her see what she wants as well as show you where you truly stand. If you love something so much, let it go, if it comes back (single in this case) then it is yours but if it doesn't it was never meant to be. Truer words were never spoken. There are several guys here who were relegated to the OM status and most found themselves in great pain. Your A will more than likely be the rule, rather than the exception. 2
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 First off, I give you kudos for filing for divorce and not leading your wife on or giving her any hope.. You seemed done with your marriage even before your A. Now at least your (soon to be ex) wife can grieve the loss and find a man who truly loves only her. What are the possibilities that this will end up with me not being hurt? Sorry, impossible. You will continue to be hurt and feel pain because your MW has chosen to stay married. She had lied to you! If her husband was so abusive, she would divorce him and take their young child with her. Chances are higher that she greatly exaggerated her marital situation at home and bent the truth to suit her in the best possible light in your eyes. I doubt she is going to divorce..If she wanted to, she WOULD just like you have done. She doesn't want to divorce. She wants to have two men in her life, keep her A going once things settle down at home with her husband. And I just delaying the inevitable? Yes. I would tell your MW goodbye and when the time comes she divorces, only then will you 'date' her in a proper way and see how it goes. Until then, cut her out of your life. She chose her marriage over you. You chose her. DO NOT settle to be second fiddle and stick around for table scraps. After my divorce is finalized (it isn't difficult, we don't have much should take but a couple of months) what will my life be like? I find myself getting more upset to find out about stuff that they do as a couple, because I to, wish I was him. I do think being on your own is the best. You still will need to grieve the loss of your own marriage and the life you once had. It'll take time to sort stuff out, deal with friends, family and extended family and let them know your marriage is over. It is a lot of change, even though you were the one who wanted to D. Your MW is STILL living life with her husband, so that means she has no intention of ending her marriage. Unhappy couples who are divorcing do not do family trips, outings, dinner and socializing. they lead separate lives near the end. 2
HopingAgain Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Your MW is a cakeater. I was a MW who left my marriage to be with OM. I will tell you that when a MW has an affair most times its because her heart has left the marriage. If there is any opportunity for her to be in a relationship with her OM that she loves she WILL without hesitation even with children if she intends to. What your MW is doing is enjoying having you both. Notice she said her husband isn't attracted to HER, and not that she wasn't attracted to him? She probably does care for you, but she still loves and wants him and probably used the affair to get more attention from her husband. She's trying to make her marriage work and let you down easy. In short" she's not going anywhere unless he kicks her out. 2
Author AWilson Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 First of all, so sorry you are and have been going through this. So how long would you say that you have been waiting for her to make a change to be with you? Before her husband found out, a week prior to that, she had moved out of the marital bed and into a spare room. That same weekend, she had contacted an attorney on how to proceed with a temporary custody order and start the divorce process. The problem is that he turned around, offered to go to counseling and contacted her parents to try to understand where he went wrong. After that, she had to pull back from me because her parents then asked for her to try. Even though, emotionally she was already done. Since she values her parents opinion/respect so much, she owes it to them to try. But that same day, she told me that she doesn’t want counseling to work. But has to at least go to show a brave face. So far, in a month, he thinks that they don’t need counseling. They still fight about everything. The only difference is that he’s not going out as often, instead, goes to sleep. He isn’t a father and a husband, he likes the thought of it, but when push comes to shove, it isn’t something he really wants. Obviously, this is something that she’s told me, I have no idea what really happens behind closed doors. Before he found out about me, he would be out with his friends 4-5 nights a week (granted after the baby went to bed) but just leave her alone. Weekends were similar. He will fall back into the same pattern; he won’t change, but is my only option at this point is waiting? Probably projecting here, but I'd say you are in for a world of hurt. Moreso than you ever thought you'd feel, especially if you have allowed your male mind to open up to her and fall head over heels emotionally for her. She easily shut you out, her loyalties lie with her H and family, you are there to make her feel better. If you truly want to see how this plays out, then you will have to go NC completely, at work as well..no email, no lunch, NO NOTHING! It will help you cope if she never comes back and it will help her see what she wants as well as show you where you truly stand. If you love something so much, let it go, if it comes back (single in this case) then it is yours but if it doesn't it was never meant to be. Truer words were never spoken. There are several guys here who were relegated to the OM status and most found themselves in great pain. Your A will more than likely be the rule, rather than the exception. I have thought about that…and quite a bit. Because of all the spare time that I have (mainly because I moved out of my marital home and started the divorce proceedings), I have more time to analyze the situation. “I” don’t know if I could handle NC at this point. I’m not wired that way. When she insisted on NC, I was crushed, I was in shambles for about 2 straight days. But on the other hand, if she hadn’t gone NC, I don’t think I would have proceeded with leaving my wife. I’m not sure if that is a positive or negative at this point. First off, I give you kudos for filing for divorce and not leading your wife on or giving her any hope.. You seemed done with your marriage even before your A. Now at least your (soon to be ex) wife can grieve the loss and find a man who truly loves only her. Sorry, impossible. You will continue to be hurt and feel pain because your MW has chosen to stay married. She had lied to you! If her husband was so abusive, she would divorce him and take their young child with her. Chances are higher that she greatly exaggerated her marital situation at home and bent the truth to suit her in the best possible light in your eyes. I doubt she is going to divorce..If she wanted to, she WOULD just like you have done. She doesn't want to divorce. She wants to have two men in her life, keep her A going once things settle down at home with her husband. Yes. I would tell your MW goodbye and when the time comes she divorces, only then will you 'date' her in a proper way and see how it goes. Until then, cut her out of your life. She chose her marriage over you. You chose her. DO NOT settle to be second fiddle and stick around for table scraps. I do think being on your own is the best. You still will need to grieve the loss of your own marriage and the life you once had. It'll take time to sort stuff out, deal with friends, family and extended family and let them know your marriage is over. It is a lot of change, even though you were the one who wanted to D. Your MW is STILL living life with her husband, so that means she has no intention of ending her marriage. Unhappy couples who are divorcing do not do family trips, outings, dinner and socializing. they lead separate lives near the end. Thank you for your words, I do appreciate it. It seems like the only positive thing I’ve done in this entire situation was retain an attorney and concentrate on my own issues. Is it worth it enough to stick around if there is progress towards her split? Say she comes to me with stages, proves that she’s doing those stages? At one point, she was nearly to the point of filing, but outside influences pulled her mind back. She thinks that if he continues to show his ass to her and her parents, that they will side with her and she can continue with the paperwork and just get it over with. That is what I’m waiting for mostly, I think. Your MW is a cakeater. I was a MW who left my marriage to be with OM. I will tell you that when a MW has an affair most times its because her heart has left the marriage. If there is any opportunity for her to be in a relationship with her OM that she loves she WILL without hesitation even with children if she intends to. What your MW is doing is enjoying having you both. Notice she said her husband isn't attracted to HER, and not that she wasn't attracted to him? She probably does care for you, but she still loves and wants him and probably used the affair to get more attention from her husband. She's trying to make her marriage work and let you down easy. In short" she's not going anywhere unless he kicks her out. Yes, she is a cakeeater, when I originally saw your comment last night, I read that as care taker and it seems that you are right. She says she doesn’t love the man. In an email a long time ago, that “I have 2 men in my life. One who I am deeply in love with (me), and the other I have shared my life for 3 years (him)”. She claims that she’s not attracted to him anymore (but she’s also told me that he’s told her that he isn’t attracted to her). But that could be something that she thinks I need to hear, and actually isn’t the truth. Who knows. To be honest, I don’t know what to do. I know what I want, I know what she wants. I’ve tried thinking about the habits that I’ve been in the last few months. Texting her, calling her, and emailing her at work. These are all tough habits to break since we’ve been doing it for so long. I yearn for her embrace at lunch time. I want more than that. And for her to just go back and forth, I don’t know how she does it. I had my cake and ate it too, but I finished my marriage. I don’t know how much longer I can allow her to do it as well.
Pierre Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 -Incoming Wall'O'Text- Ok, it looks like I'm now the OM, here's the background. I have fallen for a coworker. Our friendship had blossomed since she started at the company back in 2010. Our friendship was limited to just general chit chat via company email. Nothing too personal. Conversations in 2011 started getting a bit more personal when she had shared a bit more about her home life which obviously, she wasn't happy with. Meanwhile, my marriage had never been stable. Fast forward to November of last year when I left the company for another position elsewhere. She was visibly upset, this is the first of any emotion that I had seen from her about me. While working at the other company, we stayed in contact...but with more frequency then when I was working at the old company. We had been texting and calling each other just about every night or on the way to our respective homes. I was coaxed back to the company she was working at in March of this year. Our conversations got deeper. More emotional. More information came about how really unhappy she was in her marriage. He's abusive and emotionally nasty to her at every turn. (There is a 14 month old as well). Anyway, she invited me to spend time time with her and her daughter at the mall on Saturday afternoon, so I figured, hell, why not? Nothing happened necessarily, but, we did have an embrace at the mall. 2 days later, I invited her to grab a snow cone with me on our lunch break. Seems harmless, right? She sat right up next to me and we embraced again. At this point, we've started to share lunch hours in the car at and about in town just talking and hanging out. It got a bit more complicated when we kissed...We have explored our feelings and felt that it was what we both wanted. We were what we both wanted. On July my wife found out just about everything because she saw my phone light up and saw her picture on my phone and immediately freaked. She started digging through phone records, which obviously, I couldn't deny at that point so I just told her everything, including that I had feelings for her. I let my wife stew on that for a couple of days so I asked for a divorce. On the following Monday, the married woman told her husband that she wanted a divorce. So, all good right? Problem is, that my wife had contacted her husband told him and about me and it all came out. By that next week, married woman told me that she wanted to go NC so she could work on her marriage (his request). Part of the compromise between the was she had to stop talking to me if he would go to counseling to work on their marriage. Obviously, I was crushed. This woman I had fallen in love with. SAid that she wanted the same things I did, and would be there for me when I started my divorce process. Not 2 days later, married woman sent a text message to my mother telling her that I'm all she could think about and can't do the NC. I talked to her on that same day, she said all the right words, but still, will not leave her husband the way it is. She depends a lot on her family opinion of her life and the respect of her family. She says that she has to do it "her" way. It has been a month since all this happened, we still see each other on lunch hours a couple/few times/week, there has been no counseling sessions schedule. We try to hang out on the weekends if she's available. I've moved out of the marital home and filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. We express our feelings for each other both physically and emotionally (we've still never had sex). She said she has a plan in place to work on, but I fear it is just a stall tactic. What does she really want? How long will this take? Am I an idiot thinking she will really leave him? It was our plan from the very beginning that we do not leave our spouses for the other, we would leave our spouses because we were no longer in love with them. Get our own places and date exclusively. But I feel, that I'm the only one following through with our plan. I understand her hesitation, I'm not naive, there is a 14 month old baby girl stuck in the middle of all this. But I still fear in the back of my mind, that this could all crumble apart. The evenings for me are the most brutal because she has to go home to him and his behavior. Because of work issues, we've kept that quiet. My parents know what's going on, but I'm a complete secret from all of her friends. I have to be kept blocked on her phone (we use a different type of messenger). And I basically can't initiate contact in fear of her husband finding out that she is still in contact with me. I feel like I need to be at her every beck and call just to talk to her. I run at every opportunity to see her even if it is just for 5 minutes at a store somewhere or a park. She still participates with family dinners with their parents and they play happy families while at the zoos, museums, or just generally out. She continues to say that she's got a plan, the current plan is to get a part time job to save up enough money for a down-payment on another home for after her divorce because she can't afford the home on her own that they are in now. She still sleeps in the marital bed. She says constantly that he has never been attracted to her and there is no affection between the two of them. They've apparently only had sex twice in the last 14 months and that was just after their baby was born. I care so deeply for this woman, I never thought possible a woman of her beauty would ever be interested in the type of guy I am. What are the possibilities that this will end up with me not being hurt? And I just delaying the inevitable? After my divorce is finalized (it isn't difficult, we don't have much should take but a couple of months) what will my life be like? I find myself getting more upset to find out about stuff that they do as a couple, because I to, wish I was him. Your marriage was done and you got a divorced. When you said your marriage was over it was the truth. She said the same words, but she was basically saying what you wanted to hear to continue the EA (emotional affair). Run for the hills, this will not end well for you. She will drag you along for months or years to supplement her boring marriage. She is not likely to divorce, she was just bored. She probably re-wrote her marriage history to entice you. You were truthful; and she is just a cake eater. 1
Pierre Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Before her husband found out, a week prior to that, she had moved out of the marital bed and into a spare room. That same weekend, she had contacted an attorney on how to proceed with a temporary custody order and start the divorce process. And you know this because MOW said so. You really don't know what is going on between them. She says what you want to hear. The problem is that he turned around, offered to go to counseling and contacted her parents to try to understand where he went wrong. After that, she had to pull back from me because her parents then asked for her to try. Even though, emotionally she was already done. Since she values her parents opinion/respect so much, she owes it to them to try. But that same day, she told me that she doesn’t want counseling to work. But has to at least go to show a brave face. So far, in a month, he thinks that they don’t need counseling. They still fight about everything. The only difference is that he’s not going out as often, instead, goes to sleep. He isn’t a father and a husband, he likes the thought of it, but when push comes to shove, it isn’t something he really wants. Obviously, this is something that she’s told me, I have no idea what really happens behind closed doors. Before he found out about me, he would be out with his friends 4-5 nights a week (granted after the baby went to bed) but just leave her alone. Weekends were similar. He will fall back into the same pattern; he won’t change, but is my only option at this point is waiting? Dude, you are not there. You talk as if you were a fly on the wall in their bedroom. This is a common mistake by newbies. She thinks that if he continues to show his ass to her and her parents, that they will side with her and she can continue with the paperwork and just get it over with. That is what I’m waiting for mostly, I think. Yes, she is a cakeeater, Cake eaters are good at providing excuses to stay in the marriage. Family, kids, the dog, the mortgage, religion, the weather, etc. She is taking you for a ride. This is the same old story. She says she doesn’t love the man. In an email a long time ago, that “I have 2 men in my life. One who I am deeply in love with (me), and the other I have shared my life for 3 years (him)”. She claims that she’s not attracted to him anymore (but she’s also told me that he’s told her that he isn’t attracted to her). But that could be something that she thinks I need to hear, and actually isn’t the truth. Who knows. To be honest, I don’t know what to do. I know what I want, I know what she wants. I All those words are right out of the cheater's manual. There is nothing new here. Dump her and run for the hills. If you truly want her this may be your best bet to get her, As long as you support her cake eating you are doomed.
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