HopingAgain Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Princess, she just can't prove without a shadow of a doubt. She woudl die if she knew it was 8 years. I don't think she is in denial though. Remember she is a snooper and private eye LOL> She can't be that good of a snooper or private eye if she hasn't gotten solid evidence in 8 years. I uncovered details within 1 week of digging with my WH. Its not hard if you know how a cheater thinks. Your MM is probably gaslighting the hell out of her and she's partially afraid of getting or acknowledging the truth. 1
wanting more Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 We had 2 d-days. The first was after someone saw xMM where he wasn't supposed to be and told his BW. She confronted him, he lied, played it down. Actually told her it was me, but it wasn't an A. She emailed me a few times and we actually met. I lied of course and just reiterated what he had said The 2nd d-day was a very short text to him. She saw my name and that was the beginning of the end of the A We had never discussed what would happen is there was a d-day before the 1st one. And never discussed it after
Got it Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Current and former OW/OM: Did you have a dday? If not, is there a plan in your mind or between you and the MP about what that will mean should it occur? For those who have had a dday? Was it once? Multiple? For those with multiple ddays, did this change your relationship? Or did it not matter? And what did/does your plan look like after several of these? We had one dday. We did have a plan, at least I did, which was sh%t or get off the pot at that point. The plan was to divorce, if dday hit there would be no reason not to move forward and I was not going to be part of the affair if it moved forwarded after his wife found out. I may have been a part of deceiving her up to that point, I was not going to go into active mode in doing so. I guess this mistress had standards. We had one, we broke up, they separated and divorced, we got married. 1
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Huh... I guess I am a bit confused. if that is the case why won't he just tell her then? Or "accidentally" out himself, by leaving something incriminating out? He says he'd rather she not find out b/c he doesn't want to hurt her (yeah, yeah, I know.), though I will say that from everything he's told me, he is not careful at all. I've actually cautioned him about that if he truly doesn't want her to find out. He says he's not worried.
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Hopkingagain, I can assure you she is no pushover by any means.
ladydesigner Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I often wonder why a bs feels the need to prove it without a doubt. They need to trust their gut. I know why I did it, because I needed to know the real truth and guess what it did crush me. But I know WHO my WH is now. I'm not sure our M will make it and I honestly don't really care. I guess we need to know that what we felt was in fact correct. I think it is very malicious to keep a BS from knowing the truth and then mocking her for not knowing it. I lost my **** after my WH's A. I lost it on him, her, and anyone who thought positively about A's. Gaslighting is a real thing and it is really ****ed up to do to someone else. I liken it to abuse. When I got the correct information I felt I had gotten my power back. 3
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 We had one dday. We did have a plan, at least I did, which was sh%t or get off the pot at that point. The plan was to divorce, if dday hit there would be no reason not to move forward and I was not going to be part of the affair if it moved forwarded after his wife found out. I may have been a part of deceiving her up to that point, I was not going to go into active mode in doing so. I guess this mistress had standards. We had one, we broke up, they separated and divorced, we got married. We did not have a dday...but I was annoyed with the whole thing as is, so had there been one, that would have been the fork in the road where we decided to end things or something else. I was definitely not one willing to go through multiple-ddays and going underground, and like you, I never actively deceived her and I wasn't going to start. So one dday would really have been it for me. The A was really something I was uncomfortable with, so I had no interest in continuing as it was forever and having multiple ddays where nothing changes would have been the ultimate sign that I was wasting my time.
thecharade Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 LadyD, Are you only a BS, or a 'madhatter,' as they sometimes call it, because you were also an OW at some point? I don't know your background. Sorry. I try to imagine the sense of betrayal on a dday, really try to feel it, but I can't. It just seems like the kind of thing you just can't grasp unless and until it happens to you. The need to know for certain what is going on has to at least partially be because the brain cannot grasp emotionally devastating or painful news easily and in one bite. Denial is a very real stage in managing grief. I felt so betrayed, as I realized deep down that my exAP/love of my life was actually taking advantage of our shared history, that I could not grasp it. The pain and loss overwhelmed me, sending me into such a raging pain that I didn't know where to unleash it. If I felt all that over a boyfriend, what must those emotions be like for a wife who has everything invested in the betrayer? I can't pretend to know. But I can only assume that the understanding of multiple ddays and the BS's emotions is found somewhere in all that I've said right there. WS fog. OW fog. BS fog. Denial is a potent emotion that makes us all foggy in one way or another, I guess.
Anna-Belle Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 We had one Dday and on that Dday he told his wife he loved me and was not letting me go. They have now separated. Interestingly enough, their relationship hasn't changed that much since it already was more of a co-parenting/roommate relationship rather than a romantic one. Already several years ago I saw his wife post on Facebook that they were like two ships passing each other in the night. We had talked about having a Dday during the years of EMR before our actual Dday, and we knew it is common to throw the OW under the bus as a knee-jerk reaction. So if that happened we had agreed I would wait it out until the first panic had simmered down and the EMR likely could be resumed. No reason to put any weight on a panic reaction. As it was, Dday came when he was ready to expose the EMR, so it's been a very straight forward path towards separation and likely eventually divorce since.
canuckprincess Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 We had one Dday and on that Dday he told his wife he loved me and was not letting me go. They have now separated. Interestingly enough, their relationship hasn't changed that much since it already was more of a co-parenting/roommate relationship rather than a romantic one. Already several years ago I saw his wife post on Facebook that they were like two ships passing each other in the night. We had talked about having a Dday during the years of EMR before our actual Dday, and we knew it is common to throw the OW under the bus as a knee-jerk reaction. So if that happened we had agreed I would wait it out until the first panic had simmered down and the EMR likely could be resumed. No reason to put any weight on a panic reaction. As it was, Dday came when he was ready to expose the EMR, so it's been a very straight forward path towards separation and likely eventually divorce since. I'm curious as to whether or not you want a committed relationship with mm now that he's available.
SoleMate Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 D is for Discovery. I would call it a D-Day only if there was very strong proof exposed to the BS and the BS was convinced by it. Ambiguous emails, suspicions, etc. do not ever constitute D-Day in and of themselves.
Anna-Belle Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I'm curious as to whether or not you want a committed relationship with mm now that he's available. Yes, I do. I have obligations of my own though for the next year so I can't join him until then.
ladydesigner Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) LadyD, Are you only a BS, or a 'madhatter,' as they sometimes call it, because you were also an OW at some point? I don't know your background. Sorry. I am a 'madhatter' I had a revenge affair after I caught inappropriate behavior between my WH and an old co-worker, but could not prove actual A. Now this A with MOW. I believe this was a very emotional A for him, that's why it hurts me so much. I thought I had feelings for my xAP too, but now being years out from my own A I realize we never would have worked and I think that is exactly why I chose him as an AP. as I realized deep down that my exAP/love of my life was actually taking advantage of our shared history, that I could not grasp it. The pain and loss overwhelmed me, sending me into such a raging pain that I didn't know where to unleash it. If I felt all that over a boyfriend, what must those emotions be like for a wife who has everything invested in the betrayer? I can't pretend to know. But I can only assume that the understanding of multiple ddays and the BS's emotions is found somewhere in all that I've said right there. WS fog. OW fog. BS fog. Denial is a potent emotion that makes us all foggy in one way or another, I guess. Just wanted to say that I am sure what OW feel on their A ending is the same a BS feels on DDay or very similar, the only difference is we have more at stake (i.e family, finances, kids, mutual friends, etc). For the BS any option is a ****ty option if you love your spouse. Divorce or Lose them to someone else... neither one is fun and both take 2-5 years to recover from. I think I am past the denial stage. I did go through that in the beginning, now I am pretty much accepting of what happened I don't hide from it and I confront all my thoughts head on. My WH's infidelity has been the hardest thing in my life to get over. I may decide to leave my WH in the end as I am still not done processing everything. Now knowing that my WH has bad boundaries and one major love A I view him differently. I see many of his personality flaws that led me to emotionally withdraw from the M which led him to his A's. I am not having an easy time and am not in a fog. I have my eyes wide open. Edited August 15, 2013 by ladydesigner
Rose Auxerrois Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Current and former OW/OM: Did you have a dday? If not, is there a plan in your mind or between you and the MP about what that will mean should it occur? It would make no difference to me. He would have to see how he felt at that time. No plan. We see what happens.
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