MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Current and former OW/OM: Did you have a dday? If not, is there a plan in your mind or between you and the MP about what that will mean should it occur? For those who have had a dday? Was it once? Multiple? For those with multiple ddays, did this change your relationship? Or did it not matter? And what did/does your plan look like after several of these?
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Please explain again what dday is? In my mind it's when BS finds out, but I don't want to answer if I am incorrect on that.
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Please explain again what dday is? In my mind it's when BS finds out, but I don't want to answer if I am incorrect on that. Yes, dday is when the BS finds out about the affair.
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Ah, okay. No, we do not have a dday. The hope and plan is that she never finds out about the A. I've been told IF she finds out, it will actually allow our relationship to be more open (for various reasons that I won't post here b/c I don't want it to be too obvious who I am, again, in case either ever came here). However, I do not intend on ever intentionally creating dday myself.
Cocochai Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Mines was more of a "suspicious" Dday... Found evidence of cheating with a condom being found. To be honest I'm not sure how there weren't multiple ddays... He was a sloppy cheater but the MM came home to the BS every night and that's what mattered the most. I think after that, he was tired of keeping up the A. Cheating can be an exhausting thing once the BS is suspicious.
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Ah, okay. No, we do not have a dday. The hope and plan is that she never finds out about the A. I've been told IF she finds out, it will actually allow our relationship to be more open (for various reasons that I won't post here b/c I don't want it to be too obvious who I am, again, in case either ever came here). However, I do not intend on ever intentionally creating dday myself. So there is no pre-plan should dday occur? Will that be a make or break point for you? I didn't understand what you mean about being more open upon dday. You don't have to give specific reasons to identify yourself, I just didn't know if you meant on dday it would no longer be an A and he'd go one way or another or what exactly.
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 No, not really. From what he described, it would become more like an open marriage at that point, just in terms of her knowing about it and he'd be able to get away more b/c he wouldn't have to hide so much. He has a set plan in terms of them divorcing and plans to stay until that point when they're both settled in to where they each plan to go (and I actually see this falling in to place via facebook exactly as he has been saying it would which is reassuring at this point). IF he actually does what he says, it won't be a break for me. If he doesn't do what he says and pushes me away or asks me to be more cautious and hide more, it will be a break. He already knows that. I hate the hiding.
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Mines was more of a "suspicious" Dday... Found evidence of cheating with a condom being found. To be honest I'm not sure how there weren't multiple ddays... He was a sloppy cheater but the MM came home to the BS every night and that's what mattered the most. I think after that, he was tired of keeping up the A. Cheating can be an exhausting thing once the BS is suspicious. LMAO no kidding @ the bold Did this change your relationship?
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Darnit, tried to edit more. Dday happening at this point will not spurn the D sooner unless she chooses it. They have a set plan in place, too, with specific dates and that was set in place before I even came in to the picture.
Cocochai Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 LMAO no kidding @ the bold Did this change your relationship? Most certainly it did!! His whole attitude changed towards me and instead of being emotional involved it became more of a sex thing. Being that the BS didn't trust him to go out we were meeting up for quick sex (I was a horny toad), but him and his BS was starting to reconnect again or he was trying to fix the trust again. I had to break it off because I saw a change and I knew he was really trying when I saw myself reaching out only. I understood but it crushed me to the core.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Two ddays for us - first his wife found out and didn't want anyone to know including my husband and we continued in this weird triangle for another four months where we went out with them, they came to our house as couples, he was her without her, we went to church together, etc. and then the second and final was when my husband found out, our names were read before the church and all hell broke loose. For my husbands affair which began (as far as I know) about a year later, one dday, she was an employee and she had to leave - I let her leave over a period of about two months so as not to cause the same stupid public humiliation I endured.
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Haven't been around in a few years, only in and out. In 8 years of being together, just had a 4th DDay a few weeks ago. Each time, he would call the day after and say, that he couldn't see me anymore. Usually after a week or so he was back and nothing really changed. We decided 3 years ago after one of the DDay's to just have a final day together. Well, here we are today ending it again, because now he wants be committ to his religious beliefs. It's all good, but I don't think it's really over.
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Haven't been around in a few years, only in and out. In 8 years of being together, just had a 4th DDay a few weeks ago. Each time, he would call the day after and say, that he couldn't see me anymore. Usually after a week or so he was back and nothing really changed. We decided 3 years ago after one of the DDay's to just have a final day together. Well, here we are today ending it again, because now he wants be committ to his religious beliefs. It's all good, but I don't think it's really over. When you say dday, is it that irrefutable proof of an affair is found or what? Do the multiple ddays bother you/change your feelings/get tiring or it doesn't matter?
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Miss Bee, Not exactly any real proof. She couldn't swear to in court. She has found things though, like a throw away phone, His cell bill, which she hacked into his account to see who he was calling. The last was of us having a convo when his phone dialed her by accident. I don't give her the satisfaction of having any conversation with her.
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Miss Bee, Not exactly any real proof. She couldn't swear to in court. She has found things though, like a throw away phone, His cell bill, which she hacked into his account to see who he was calling. The last was of us having a convo when his phone dialed her by accident. I don't give her the satisfaction of having any conversation with her. Ahhh okay. Well I suppose that is one kind of dday...but I was thinking more like this person saw actual emails, texts or some other real proof and things came out, and not just suspicions. You didn't answer this part: Do the multiple ddays bother you/change your feelings/get tiring or it doesn't matter?
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Yes, multiple ddays are very tiring and bothersome to say the least. They really never changed anything between us though. We never skipped a beat. She did see a few texts but they were nothing incriminating though. I have observed her behavior and she is a naturally suspicous person. Remember we have been together 8 years, so I saw a lot and know lots about the family and her. She is always checking and looking for something. Unfortunately she was always looking at the obvious which is why she never had any real proof.
canuckprincess Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Current and former OW/OM: Did you have a dday? If not, is there a plan in your mind or between you and the MP about what that will mean should it occur? For those who have had a dday? Was it once? Multiple? For those with multiple ddays, did this change your relationship? Or did it not matter? And what did/does your plan look like after several of these? We have only had one dday that was almost 2 years ago. Mm told his wife about our relationship in hopes she would be willing to share him. Turns out she doesn't like to share. 1
Author MissBee Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Yes, multiple ddays are very tiring and bothersome to say the least. They really never changed anything between us though. We never skipped a beat. She did see a few texts but they were nothing incriminating though. I have observed her behavior and she is a naturally suspicous person. Remember we have been together 8 years, so I saw a lot and know lots about the family and her. She is always checking and looking for something. Unfortunately she was always looking at the obvious which is why she never had any real proof. So does he plan to leave ever?
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 MissBee, you mean to leave me or her? I don't want him to leave her for me. I am quite a few years older, he is still raising children, I am not. I don't know if he will stay away from me, he hasn't been able to do it for 8 years. Time will tell. We have great times together and our relationship wasn't even a sexual one for the first two years.
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Let me add that she has gotten him involved in a very dogmatic religion that controls it's members. So he won't be getting a divorce, it's not permitted. He might get shunned.
canuckprincess Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Yes, multiple ddays are very tiring and bothersome to say the least. They really never changed anything between us though. We never skipped a beat. She did see a few texts but they were nothing incriminating though. I have observed her behavior and she is a naturally suspicous person. Remember we have been together 8 years, so I saw a lot and know lots about the family and her. She is always checking and looking for something. Unfortunately she was always looking at the obvious which is why she never had any real proof. It's quite possible she is in such denial and really doesn't want the truth.
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Princess, she just can't prove without a shadow of a doubt. She woudl die if she knew it was 8 years. I don't think she is in denial though. Remember she is a snooper and private eye LOL>
canuckprincess Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Princess, she just can't prove without a shadow of a doubt. She woudl die if she knew it was 8 years. I don't think she is in denial though. Remember she is a snooper and private eye LOL> I often wonder why a bs feels the need to prove it without a doubt. They need to trust their gut. I met a girl last night who told me she thought her common law husband was cheating on her so she married him. She was able to prove the affair 5 months later. I told her she was an idiot and she agreed with me. She added me as a friend on FB and wants to be my new BFF. She has no idea that I've been an ow for almost 8 years. I'd say infidelity has become the norm.
uneek74 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I think the proof is the validation of what they always knew in their gut. So will you ever tell her about you being the OW LOL. She might unfriend you when she finds out LOL
canuckprincess Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I think the proof is the validation of what they always knew in their gut. So will you ever tell her about you being the OW LOL. She might unfriend you when she finds out LOL I told her I've been the bs, ws, and ow and she still added me. Infact we are having a girls night out next week. 1
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