thecharade Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Desire to keep their bs? Or Desire to avoid divorce? (BSs think the first, but OPs think the second, right? Will we ever see it the same way?)
Author thecharade Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 What's my answer? For myself and my former AP? I don't know. It changes daily. And to be honest, does the answer matter? Should it? In the hard times, maybe all that matters is THAT I am staying, not why. I just don't know.
ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Desire to keep their bs? Or Desire to avoid divorce? (BSs think the first, but OPs think the second, right? Will we ever see it the same way?) I'm going to say desire to keep the BS in the dark, desire to keep OW/OM in the dark, desire to avoid divorce of course and then cake-eat In our case my WH wanted to keep me because he has never really expressed any fears of D. He has always said that he will make sure the kids are cared for. He is still fighting for me so I imagine it must be real. When I was the WS I did not enjoy 'cake-eating'. Someone referred to an A as a form of self torture. That's exactly what it felt like to me.
Cocochai Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 It could be a million reasons but at the end of the day... Pure selfishness. Maybe the BS got a hold financially/kids Perhaps they saw parents do the same thing or their aunts and uncles They just don't believe in the word Monogamy A lot of mM who do Cheat on their BS is because they can't cope and deal with the Bad days. Especially if the BS uses sex as a reward in the marriage. I say MM as opposed to MW because they say us Woman cheat more for emotional reasons Either way selfishness is the culprit... There are things you can do if they were truly unhappy. They choose to cheat and settle as oppose to.... What?
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Someone referred to an A as a form of self torture. That's exactly what it felt like to me. That's funny. That's how I feel as the OW at times. My answer to the OP is that there is no hard and fast answer, it varies per relationship/individual.
Author thecharade Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 It varies, I have no doubt. But it is a constant question for both BSs and OWs. (Strangely enough, I do not see MMs lamenting.) I think about my AP. I think about myself (a MOW). It pretty much sums up 75% of the posts on the infidelity sites I read, including LS. It is THE question underlying all the others. But why?
Quiet Storm Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) They are motivated by their appetite. They like their married life, their family unit. They want to keep the comforts of marriage. In addition to that, they want to supplement their marriage by having an affair. It adds excitement, romance, entertainment, different sex. They feel entitled to these things because in their minds, they are justified. Their justifications could be- I work hard I deserve this, my wife doesn't give me enough attention/sex, I have no passion for my husband, my wife won't care, my husband works too much, my spouse got fat, went bald, is lazy, etc. They are focused on their feelings. They often have unrealistic expectations about love and marriage, and that disappointment is their justification for the affair. They are very wrapped up in themselves and their feelings. Edited August 14, 2013 by Quiet Storm 1
bentleychic Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 AS a woman I honestly have no idea why any men get married nowadays. If I was a man I sure wouldn't. It's a lose lose for them most of the time. It doesn't benefit them in many ways other than having their laundry done and maybe their meals cooked if they are lucky. They might have double incomes instead of single incomes but that wouldn't be enough to trick me into it if I was a man. Women gain a lot from marriage. Usually the man makes more money (one day this will change I hope!) and so their income is usually more than doubled. They get security and someone to fix things around the house and such if they get a capable and hard working man. And they know going in that especiaally if there are chidlren that if it ends they will end up with not only the house and the kids usually but also alimony and child support (and don't even get me started on how pathetic alimony is in my opinion!). They get paid to have failed at a relatoinship and that's crazy! Men stay because they almost have to. I knew that if I divorced my exh that I would get the house, but he would pay for it, and that I would get the kids and he would get limited time with therm. I never had to worry about that at all. When it's that uneven why would they leave and get screwede? This is why women file for significantly more of the divorces than men do because they are secure that they will be compensated and men stay because they know that they will be cheated. Oh man, not in my case. I was the main bread winner, I paid the bills (which is why he lost the house soon after I left! That happens when you don't pay the mortgage!), I did the handy work around the house (bet your arse I took my tools when I left, too!) LOL), I worked, came home and cooked and cleaned, took the kids to do fun stuff, etc. I won't say he didn't do ANYTHING, but he certainly wasn't a very big contributor to the household and running it. Which is probably why leaving him and getting my own place wasn't as huge of a transition as I hear women say it is. I have been VERY good with him about not taking so much child support that he ends up homeless (he could be paying about double what he is legally, but so far is being great about being childcare when I need it for work so we're compromising and it's in the divorce decree). Ex and I are better co-parents than we ever were spouses. Our separation and subsequent divorce was absolutely the best for all involved. 1
Cocochai Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I think it's both but with conditions. It's a desire to keep the BS simply because the BS represents the marriage and all that they have put into it. It isn't about love or the BS exactly for most of them it's more about not wanting to lose all they have worked for and built I think. Most men who get divorced get raked over the coals and a lot of women gleefully rejoice about that. I have never understaood it but it takes all kidns I guess. AS a woman I honestly have no idea why any men get married nowadays. If I was a man I sure wouldn't. It's a lose lose for them most of the time. It doesn't benefit them in many ways other than having their laundry done and maybe their meals cooked if they are lucky. They might have double incomes instead of single incomes but that wouldn't be enough to trick me into it if I was a man. Women gain a lot from marriage. Usually the man makes more money (one day this will change I hope!) and so their income is usually more than doubled. They get security and someone to fix things around the house and such if they get a capable and hard working man. And they know going in that especiaally if there are chidlren that if it ends they will end up with not only the house and the kids usually but also alimony and child support (and don't even get me started on how pathetic alimony is in my opinion!). They get paid to have failed at a relatoinship and that's crazy! Men stay because they almost have to. I knew that if I divorced my exh that I would get the house, but he would pay for it, and that I would get the kids and he would get limited time with therm. I never had to worry about that at all. When it's that uneven why would they leave and get screwede? This is why women file for significantly more of the divorces than men do because they are secure that they will be compensated and men stay because they know that they will be cheated. Hate to say this but your right... The Man has the upper hand until he's married then, the wife has the upper hand... Especially if he's Monagomous. If he's Monagomous she withholds sex and don't let him be broke... He's in trouble then. That's why the cheating occurs off/on MM cheat. Have you ever heard a MM say their lonely in their M? Sure it's easy to say if your that unhappy then divorce. Thats usualy the case when the BS actually doesnt put up with the cheating and it takes a strong one. The MM won't willing leave if he's broke. They are eventually kicked out and forced to leave then divorced. If the Wife controls the $$ and the sex... They MM is in trouble. Not that I care of course.
Owl Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 The desire to gave both women meeting their needs. The desire to maintain the status quo...having both the stability and comfort of a marriage, and the excitment and newness of the affair. Simple enough...a cake eater wants it all, for as long as they can get it. 1
iKING Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Is it not as simple as wanting more cake? Some people are just cake hoarders like that, they want ALL the cake.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I think it's both but with conditions. It's a desire to keep the BS simply because the BS represents the marriage and all that they have put into it. It isn't about love or the BS exactly for most of them it's more about not wanting to lose all they have worked for and built I think. Most men who get divorced get raked over the coals and a lot of women gleefully rejoice about that. I have never understaood it but it takes all kidns I guess. AS a woman I honestly have no idea why any men get married nowadays. If I was a man I sure wouldn't. It's a lose lose for them most of the time. It doesn't benefit them in many ways other than having their laundry done and maybe their meals cooked if they are lucky. They might have double incomes instead of single incomes but that wouldn't be enough to trick me into it if I was a man. Women gain a lot from marriage. Usually the man makes more money (one day this will change I hope!) and so their income is usually more than doubled. They get security and someone to fix things around the house and such if they get a capable and hard working man. And they know going in that especiaally if there are chidlren that if it ends they will end up with not only the house and the kids usually but also alimony and child support (and don't even get me started on how pathetic alimony is in my opinion!). They get paid to have failed at a relatoinship and that's crazy! Men stay because they almost have to. I knew that if I divorced my exh that I would get the house, but he would pay for it, and that I would get the kids and he would get limited time with therm. I never had to worry about that at all. When it's that uneven why would they leave and get screwede? This is why women file for significantly more of the divorces than men do because they are secure that they will be compensated and men stay because they know that they will be cheated. You are very wise. Luckily, men of my generation (20's-30's) are waking up to this nonsense. Even pre-nups are useless. In general, marriage is, by far, the worst investment a man could ever make. 1
Robert Z Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 If he's Monagomous she withholds sex and don't let him be broke... He's in trouble then. That's why the cheating occurs off/on MM cheat. Have you ever heard a MM say their lonely in their M? The escorts that I've seen [quite a few] say that about 90% of their clients are married men who aren't getting any at home. I went ten years without sex before filing for divorce.
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