Where and how to meet people?

[Real36]

Hello All,

Thanks for taking time to read this. Background info: I'm a 32 year old, average looking woman in a small city in the S. East US. I have recently ended a difficult, year long relationship and I'm trying to figure out how to get out there to meet new people. I do still have some unresolved feelings about the end of my relationship but because it was not built on a solid foundation and had serious troubles for months before I finally got up the courage to end it, I feel like I am ready to begin looking for something else. I am feeling pretty lonely these days because I am no longer used to being alone so much. I spend plenty of time with friends and family but because those are long lasting friendships (and my friends are all married) it is difficult to meet new people when I out with them. I do go out but usually only a few times a month and that includes local events and show as well as bars. I am not the most outgoing person but definitely not a hermit. What types of places/things would you all suggest I do in order to meet new people?

 

Thanks!

[Southern Cal Dude]

Hobbies, through friends/relatives.

[white]

Welcome to the club. I can't help you because I'm in the same boat, only for longer. Just giving you a bit of solidarity. I know how it feels to get thrust back out into a world that changed while you weren't looking and the crushing loneliness that goes with it.

 

People will say casually say "hobbies" or "networking" with no understanding of the issue, I'm not sure yet why there's such a divorce between my life (yours also perhaps) and theirs but there seems to be one. Take it from me, if your "hobby" or "interest" is anything legit, you won't meet anyone there - I've volunteered all over the place, I hike, I do archery, I do wildlife days, I've done community college courses and a full degree. No dice. Know why? Because there's hardly any single eligible people there (not too young or too old) and those that are are focused on doing what they're there to do, unsurprisingly. At our age people have work to do rather than "hobbies".

 

My best advice is to keep yourself active (at least all this hobby crap does that) to keep your mind off the loneliness, and stick with the events and bars. I'd be interested to hear if you solve it any time soon and how you do it.

[Real36]

Thanks for the advice. I suppose I will just keep up with what I am doing and pray for a miracle! White, you are definitely right about the hobbies being a difficult way to meet new people that are age appropriate. I do the things I like to do with people who are well established in doing the things they like to do. I am in school now, I haven't really seen it as a way to meet people either. Most are much younger or older.

[KatZee]

Gonna have to agree with White on this one. Everyone always says that, "get hobbies, do new things, go to such-and-such place..." Blah blah blah.

 

While those are great pieces of advice for someone who wants to have a more active life, it's not necessarily conducive to meeting a partner.

 

I have hobbies, I go places, do things, and I've never once met anyone in that capacity. It's an even bigger kicker when I go do things and those who show up as well... are COUPLES. Doesn't help me there!

 

I've been single since May of 2012. A year and 3 months. I've been interested in getting back out there. Unfortunately at my age, it's hard to meet single people.

 

And meet people through friends? 99.5% of my friends are in relationships, engaged, married, having babies. And THEIR friends are those who are in relationships, engaged, married, having babies. It's super hard meeting people. And then on the off chance you meet a single person, in MY experience, that person is:

 

- Mentally / emotionally unbalanced

- Emotionally unavailable

- A casual dater

- A divorcee with baby mama drama

- Someone I'm not even attracted to

 

It's like the dating pool gets worse and worse the older you get. I've accepted the fact that I've made one too many mistakes during my younger years. Staying with the wrong people, trying hard to make things work that should have ended years earlier.

 

I'm paying for it now. 29. Single. No prospects. Slowly giving up hope of ever having what everyone else seems to have.

[BluEyeL]

Meetups worked for me in finding someone. You can try that. But I have to say, I live in a small town and I was traveling to a bigger city, 1h away for that.

[ja123]

How about online dating?

[Mr_Flay]

I agree with the thoughts on hobbies. A few months ago I had a hobby for each day of the week, and I still didn't meet anyone worthwhile. I've decided to stick with the most interesting ones and ditch the rest, because I simply felt exhausted after so many activities. Some of the hobbies were male-dominated. Some attracted people significantly older than me.

 

In the French class I asked out a girl; we went to see a movie, then I tried to kiss her, she turned her head, and never came to the French class afterwards. If she had, it would've been an awkward situation, for her at least. So it's kind of like work. You don't want to get romantically involved in a long-term hobby, just to avoid awkwardness.

 

I've been doing meetups organised by a big local forum I'm a member of. Heck, I even organised a few. But few women attend, mostly guys come and the most extroverted ones hog all the girls. So what's a guy to do?

[365daysgone]

To the guy above me: so what activities are we talking about? I am taking swimming lessons but they are expensive. Like what other things are there to sign up for? What classes? Where do you find these things?

[Gottabestrong]

 

It's like the dating pool gets worse and worse the older you get. I've accepted the fact that I've made one too many mistakes during my younger years. Staying with the wrong people, trying hard to make things work that should have ended years earlier.

 

I'm paying for it now. 29. Single. No prospects. Slowly giving up hope of ever having what everyone else seems to have.

 

Don't give up hope! I was in your situation a few years ago. Had a long-term relationship end when I was 28 and was single for 4 years!!! after that. Don't think I even went on a date during that time.

 

I always hoped that I would be married with children by the time I hit 30, so the break-up and the succeeding years were really difficult and lonely on me.

 

BUT Now that I am in my late 30s I have a great boyfriend, the job I have seriously dreamed of for a decade or longer and I keep meeting great people all the time. Men and women. In fact I think I've met more potential partners in the last two years than I have in the ten years previous.

 

I think hitting 30 is a difficult time for a woman in that our biological clock tricks us or makes us feel like we will be alone forever. Don't let it do that do you. Just be the most awesome version of yourself that you can be, and I am sure you will draw lots of great people to you as well.

 

Good luck!

[truth_seeker]

Explore all possibilities.

 

- Family

- Friends

- Bars

- OLD

- Work

- Clubs (Hiking, Boating, Sports, Painting, etc.)

 

The key is to not let it get to you and put yourself in situations where you are meeting people.

[Philosoraptor]

Hobbies and meetups won't always mean meeting available people, nor does it give you a sudden magical ability to start a conversation. Without basic social skills you can be surrounded by singles and still make no progress.

 

Personally I found public lakes and parks as an easy place to meet people. But I am an active person so it made for an easy conversation with someone I would at least have one thing in common with.

 

If you're having no luck one place, going back over and over won't really up your odds. The trick is to expand and try new places. Actually went to a lot of parks in my area before I found my now fiancee.

[Mr.Mango]

I'm kind of glad we have a thread on this, cause I think everybody struggles with this.

 

Meeting people is tough, you almost have to treat it as a job these days. Since everyone's plugged into their online network of friends (or SO) there's less of an incentive to get out there and meet people. It really becomes work in the sense that if you don't keep it up you lose out, and you only progressively accomplish anything. So my advice would be to have heart! It takes time to meet and get to know people, and sometimes it ends up being a waste of time, but that's how it works socially.

 

I've been networking for a few months in the town I moved to, so don't mind sharing my insights. General advice can be good, but these are the things I've noticed and that might help others.

 

Don't just go out by yourself with no plan. The only time I've seen this work is at bars with extremely good looking individuals. And, well, that also explains the sort of incentive there. You really need to start with what you've got, which for most people is work, hobbies and friends. If that's not working then you can try putting yourself out there, just stick to an interest or activity. Once you're out there and actually in contact then it's just a matter of filtering. Be a bit of an extrovert and don't be afraid to take control of social events. Stick with people who seem engaging, and ignore the flakes. It'll take time, but you have to be willing to give it. In the beginning it feels like work 'cause you have to figure that 90% of the people you meet will lead to nowhere. But once you find the 10% (or less) that you click with, it will automatically lead to more 10% people.

 

My advice to speed this process up is by being as extroverted as possible. You'll become more sociable and develop good social skills, which helps with interaction and meeting new people. The biggest advantage is that you then decide your own pace and making decisions becomes far easier.

 

I've personally gotten to the point where I'm in a perpetual state of meeting new people. The key is to keep at it, 'cause even with all the practice I've had, slacking off will only slow the process down. There are people out there for us, just have to expand the network and include them.

[Lady2163]

Groan...this is my problem as well.

 

I'm a woman in my mid 40s and I've been single a long time. I'm of average looks, maybe even below average.

 

I live in a small town with 25+ churches. Everybody always says, "go to church to meet someone". But when I turn it back to them, "are there any single men in your church?" they are stymied.

 

I thought about going to a local or state sporting event, but the truth is - I don't want a sports -a- holic. I'm not a camping, fishing or hunting type of woman.

 

I also work from home, so I don't meet a lot of people.

 

This is why most people meet their mate at work or school, it's damn near impossible.

[Babolat]

Check out MeetUp.com. Join some in your area that interest you.

 

When my marriage ended 2.5 years ago I was a mess. I decided to start going to the gym more, not so much for fitness and health as I was already in good shape, just to do something. I also started walking more, to nowhere, just walking.

 

I now love going to the gym; can't wait to get there. I work out where I play tennis too so it's a social event as much as a fitness/health event. I will work out and end up staying longer chatting with buds, grabbing a beer, etc.

 

I reached out to my family, they also reached out to me. Same with my friends. Sometimes I had to force myself to get out, but gradually I did and it got better.

 

I stumbled on MeetUp.com and joined a biking, hiking, walking, kayaking, Stand Up Paddling, Mountain Biking and some yoga and mediatation groups. I have made 3-4 good friends from this. I initially went to the social, dinner, drinking groups too, but found those too clicky and "pick up" like so I stopped.

 

What took me a while ot get use to, was being alone, and being comfortable with being alone, as I was use to a spouse being there, even if it literally just meant being there. Now, I love and cherish my alone time.

 

I lost 2 dogs in the seperation/divorce, so I got acat. he is my bud now.

 

I started dating 4 months post seperation, probably too soon looking back, went thru a lot of woman, probably 10+ over a 10 month period. Not LTRs, some were a couple of dates, some were for a 2-3 week period or a month maybe. I was lost, confused, still feeling alone, I know that now. Finally take a break, and then met my last gf, my first post marriage serious relationship.

[white]

Meetup is an urban thing only. Where I am, in the UK, the only remotely local events are a slightly scary 'meet for drinks' at a football club always attended by the same small group of guys, and some kind of walking thing consisting of mostly ancient dudes and dudettes just trying to keep the joints loose. This is another aspect of social privilege people here should learn to check. We don't all live in the US and we don't all live in cities.

[Lady2163]

There is pretty much only OLD for you. Send her to the eharmony mines.

 

Sheesh, I should be insulted, but it's even worse than you might think.

 

Single men my age are still thinking about having children, where I have made that quite improbable. So I'm stuck with going through match profiles of men in their 50s.

[Lady2163]

You don't like sexy at 50? A man who already has children at 40 would seem to be the ticket but I am not sure how much you want to take on someone else's kids.

 

I'm a bit gunshy about that. It never seems to go well for me or my friends (both male and female).

 

So often it seems that the new partner, pretty much has to accept his kids come unconditionally first for both him and her for it to work. I was a little peevish when the man I was seeing bought his 8 year old an iPad before I had one. I've had friends who sacrificed and went without so step child could have whatever only to have the step child be a terror to them. If i spent $200 on a cell phone for stepchild and in a fit of rage they threw the phone against the wall and broke it, that child would be using his/her own money for a replacement.

 

I've noticed my friends and I who don't have kids, but become involved with those who do are usually the "bad parent" in the equation.

 

When I grow up I want to be a cougar...just once.

[GravityMan]

I think some of you are missing the point with the suggestion of hobbies or clubs or classes.

 

The objective is not to meet potential partners, but just to meet people. It's to expand your circle of friends, its to socialise with new people and meet their friends and through that process potentially meet a partner.

 

It also helps improve social skills, which in turn will help you when you do meet someone you are interested in. And don't be scared if someone you're interested wants to just be friends. Stay friends with them, because one of their other friends just might be interested in you. The wider you cast your social net, the more opportunities you'll snare.

 

And don't think of this as a quick two stage process. Join and club and get the girl. Nothing in this world comes cheaply or quickly. This is something you should be prepared to put in the effort, and have the patience, because, at the very least, having a wide range of friendships is good for the confidence and the ego.

 

This guy is correct, especially the parts I bolded. Clubs, meetups, etc...are kind of a "continuation" of group projects, extracurricular activities and parties that many of us participated in during our grade school and college years. They are all places where you can just have some simple fun and may meet and connect with people you relate well to.

 

I'd also add that participating in clubs and social hobbies helps to take your mind off other things. Less time thinking and analyzing, more time actively living, doing things and being "in the moment". One reason why some people have difficulty cultivating and maintaining relationships and friendships is because they overthink and overcomplicate things and can't get outside of their own head.

 

Furthermore, provided these activities you do are things that you truly enjoy, getting out there and doing them is likely to make you feel happier and have better self-confidence, and others may notice that (both in and outside the group). People who are happy with themselves tend to come across as more attractive and approachable to others. Others feel more comfortable in the happy person's presence and someone may be more inclined to take a chance and approach you in the hopes of a possible date.

 

You may ultimately meet someone to date at the park, the bookstore, Starbucks, or other areas that have no relation to the club you're in. But it's possible that the time spent (and the skills and confidence gained) participating in the club's social gatherings and activities still played an auxiliary role in you making the move or the other person deciding to approach you at the park/store/etc.

 

Having a decent-sized social circle can expose you to events and opportunities that you would have otherwise not have been invited to or even heard of. Those events may have other interesting singles or people in general to talk and joke with.

 

Location can make a significant difference in your dating opportunities as far as rural vs. urban are concerned. If you live in a rural area (or a VERY socially conservative area), if you haven't found someone by your early 20s, then it may become difficult unless you relocate. Rural areas don't quite have the clubs/classes/meetup opportunities that urban areas (esp. progressive urban areas) do. But beyond rural vs. urban, I think the person's demeanor and vibe matters more in their approachable-ness than their location.

 

I'm pretty sure there were threads here in the past asking people where they met their current and/or past girlfriends, boyfriends and spouses. The responses given pretty much covered the entire spectrum of possibilities...about the only thing they all had in common was that they weren't cooped up at home on the computer.

[Lady2163]

You could do that right now. There are cougar dating sites out there.

 

I'm trying match right now. The bottom line is I'm just not very attractive. I'm not a Shrekette, but I'm that plain woman you pass in the streets and may never know has a great smile (and a nice rack). I also smoke and while I'm going to try to quit in another month, it doesn't help to have pressure to quit.

 

So online doesn't work for people who are only 4s or 5s. I need real places to go.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Even average women get hit up on OLD. Even with me being a model, a 4-5 woman still gets more messages.

[Southern Cal Dude]

If you are so jealous then get a sex change.

 

 

Who said anything about being jealous? Her being female by default will get her attention on OLD.

[Lady2163]

Lol, what does OLD stand for? In your original post, I thought you were calling ME old...lol

[hppr]

Welcome to age 30 where every weekend is a wedding/baby shower and the hangovers last for 2 days.

 

You can try meetup.com stuff, hiking, biking that is what I did. Met a few people but not many. Eventually I fell back to old friends and parties etc. You're definitely not alone in this there are lots of people who are late 20s, early 30s and dating again, moving to new cities whatever. So keep an open mind and an upbeat attitude and you should do ok.

[truth_seeker]

Welcome to age 30 where every weekend is a wedding/baby shower and the hangovers last for 2 days.

 

I got a kick out of this line.

 

When a woman gets close to 30, they hit the panic button. Got to find a husband!!!