chanty Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Hey everyone. I have been dating the love of my life for over 2 years. I know it may sound dramatic, but since I met him we have had a very deep and primal/spiritual connection. He is my lover and best friend. With that said, our relationship is also highly volatile, and has been from the beginning. We fight a lot and make up a lot. There are two sides to him. One side is the softest/sweetest/most caring man you have ever met. He is super sensitive (cries way more than I do) and wants to be a good person. He also very confused about what he wants to do with his life (he is 27) and this creates a lot of frustration and irritation for him. His other side is angry/mean/and heartless. He calls me cunt, idiot, stupid bitch, etc and we have even been violent with each other, although I have stopped with the hitting, he has continued recently. When he is mad he is MAD, and heaven forbid I have an opinion or tell him what I think when he is mad because that's when he will hit me...so I have quieted myself lately in fear of pissing him off and/or getting hit. I have always walked on egg shells with him because it seems that he is about to explode much of them time. After one of his explosions, and he comes back down after a while is when he is the nicest and very soft and sweet and always regretful for how he has acted. Up until now, none of this mattered to me and I loved him no matter what (still do) and was willing to put up with it because I knew he was just hurting inside. But now I am feeling a lot better about myself and my desires to live my life happily are becoming louder. Our whole relationship he has been straddling the fence about whether or not he wants to be with me, and has been pushing for an open relationship. He says another part of his anger is because he feels like a caged animal. I agreed to try to be open, but nothing has come of it, and I realize I just agreed to aquiesce to him. Lately, I have been imagining being on my own and living my life and being happy, but in reality fear that I will just be sad without him. We broke up for a month once and I was miserable. I suggested we take a couple days apart last week thinking I would really enjoy my time apart, but again I was so miserable without him and couldn't enjoy myself. I know that I deserve better and to be happy, but I fear that I will be more unhappy out of the relationship than I am in it. It seems that no matter what I do, I am just not happy. I am craving my own life and to focus on me, at the same time I am soooo attached to him and feel like I don't have it in me to go do it. Any advice?
SadnessMadness Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) For one, any man that puts his hands on a female gets no sympathy or respect from me. Him calling you those names is also just wrong. Bottom line is, he does not deserve you. If he did, he would cherish you and treat you like his queen. It's one thing to be emotionally abused, but physically is just unacceptable. IMO i think you should be happy your out of that hellhouse. Trust me your a female, men will come to you more than you will have to go to them, and you will see that the guys you meet will make him look like a terrible mistake that you will try to bury. 2 types of people in our lives, Blessings and lessons. He is a lesson and you learn from those. Edited August 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
CptSaveAho Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Let him go...he's not lying about the relationship making him feel like a caged animal The open relationship line is a deal sealer, time for both of you to part ways
JDPT Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 You would agree that this relationship is highly toxic. You are clearly sugar coating the sh.it and need to see past it. Being in a relationship where there is physical and verbal violence is detrimental to both you and him. By walking away from this relationship you will do the both of you a favor. And yes it will hurt and yes you will be miserable but that will only last so long, in the long run you will understand that it was better this way. I can suggest also to see a therapist to guide you in this process and walk you through this relationship. Nothing good will come out of this if you two continue to be together, analyze this from a very objective perspective, this relationship is detrimental.
reddragon588 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 There is no excuse for him putting his hands on you. I understand that you love him, and I understand that even when a relationship is toxic that it's hard to let go of that love, but you need to recognize that what he did is unacceptable and unforgivable. Some negative traits can be changed. Abusing a woman is not something that can be, in my opinion. You need to end this relationship. It may cause you to be miserable for a bit, as you eluded to, but you will come out of it better.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Where is your father??? And what is your father like???
Author chanty Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 I mostly grew up without my father. He disappeared when I was 11. He and my mom had a similar relationship. Except, he was really controlling of her.
templeofmax Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 There could be it. You are in a co-dependent relationship and need to escape ASAP, like RIGHT NOW!!!! If not, you will be miserable. Do you want to be happy or be codependent on someone, let alone this kind of person? I do have some anxiety issues so I did insult my ex a couple of times, and then afterwards I felt like ****, but because I am a good, honest person and she knew that. Even if she drove me nuts sometimes with her insecurities, there WAS NO EXCUSE, and NOW I know that!! Eventually, she got fed up because of other issues, but I thank her for that because I needed to change, same as her, and that cycle could not continue. I couldn't hurt her and she couldn't hurt me anymore with our respective anxieties. So I am on that journey of change and feels good, although of course I still love her. In your case, THERE IS NO LOVE, there can be no love with physical abuse and those HORRIBLE words time after time out of the blue because he has an 'anger' issue, and you cannot love someone who does it repeatedly. You are DEPENDENT on him, but YOU DONT LOVE HIM! You are afraid of not finding somebody else cause maybe you think you don't deserve it. DO YOU DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE THIS?? Nobody makes us do what we do. Even if we have issues to resolve, we then make a huge effort to do it, and if not, we become abusers, like this *******. Nobody is perfect, people make mistakes, we are human. But when we become complacent to treat others like this or don't even notice it, then there is something wrong. Maybe he is bipolar. That is a very distinct possibility, and if so, then don't confront him about it, but try to ask someone in his family or go to a therapist. Here, you are stuck to someone that CONTINUES to treat you like garbage and what's worse, you allow it. Either way, if he is an ******* or if he is sick, YOU NEED TO GET AWAY!!!
lovesucks76 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 He crossed the line multiple times...dump him fast and never look back. You also need to seek help for your own self. He should have never gone as far as he has and you somehow allowed him to do that. Not healthy!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 So, father disappeared when you were 11. You must have gained a sense of him, or his personality, before that point. The first guess by outsiders, about such a scenario, is that the father caused you to have the sense of the male role being that of somebody who is abusive and unfair and inappropriate. Thus, when encountered in a so-called lover, that seems normal to you, when most others would never let such a guy anywhere near them.
NoLeafClover Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 ...somehow everyone is a psychiatrist... I couldn't help but notice the bias opinions as well. she clearly stated she hit him as well...but she did not cross the line? I think it's pathetic people try to use family traits to find a reason why someone can be abusive to a loved one. My cousins (brother and sister) would beat the sh*T out of each other when younger but their parents never fought ones. Why does there have to be a trait, you never have been around someone who pushed your buttons and just got on your nerves after a while. You never had a bad day at work and blew up on one someone when they didn't deserve it? Whatever happened to just spending too much time and feeling trapped with someone who constantly pushed to be with you and you can't get a moment with yourself to relax and reflect on other important things in life. You can stay here all day point fingers at who abused who and where the abuse came from but it is not going to get you anywhere in the future. All of us have been abused here at some point. Most of us still have our hearts broken. Our loved ones left us, cheated on us, used us, said all kinds of bad things to our mutual friends about us, made us feel worthless etc etc..despite knowing all these we still love them...To me this is no different than being with someone that calls me names or whatnot, therefore I can't judge you for being in love with someone that you abuse and vice versa. From personal experience, I can imagine you two both loved each other very much to still look past all the bad times. However, you need to realize that at some point both of you have to change the way you treat each other. You know very well that it is not healthy to be in a relationship where you two both push each others buttons and get the worse out of yourselves. Next time if you run into a situation where things get too hot, step back, take a deep breath and evaluate the situation. Give room to yourself and your partner and give time to cool off. I feel like you both are not listening to each other. He feels trapped and perhaps you're doing things that are not helping him going through this phase. On the other hand, he's not giving you and himself time to cool off from the arguments you two have which gives neither of you time to reflect on the problem at hand. I am only speculating here as I don't really know anything about both of you but I feel like the fact he apologized at least shows that he's aware of the things he's doing (whether is intentionally or not). I think you should tell him exactly how you feel whether you decide to be with him or end it. Tell him exactly what you told us. Tell him you don't like his dark side and that you still love him but you don't think you can do it anymore. My advice is: Give yourself some time off from the relationship. I honestly think time fixes everything. If you two really want to be with each other both of you will change the way you treat each other, listen to one another and start to actually work towards things. If this is the end, then use this time off to reflect on yourself and become a stronger person. But you have to give it time whether you want to be with him or not.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 All of us have been abused here at some point. Um, no, we haven't... and that's just the thing... those who have made a habit/pattern/life out of running around and living the role of abuse victim perceive that everybody lives the same way, and thus they have no understanding that anything is wrong. Instead they choose to perceive all other scenarios to be as painful as whatever they know.
lonegirl Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I am living right now exactly what you are afraid of. I left my ex exactly 2 months ago, and even never laying my hand on him he did on me 2 times. By my experience, when there's physical, verbal, emotional violence there's no respect between you two or from one side to the other. My ex didn't respect me, and I didn't want to live that way. He was the love of my life and leaving him was painful; to rebuild myself and learn to live again without him is being terrible and sometimes i feel lost and just cry. But it had to be done in order of me to become stronger, heal myself and recognize i deserve a better future. It hurts, I won't lie. But is like healing from a car accident. Is a pain you must pass through, be thankful you are still alive and even if you get some scars you will be able to keep going when all the pain is gone. I don't recommend anybody to stay in a toxic relationship. Things go worse with time. Since you wanted to know personal experiences, i'm sharing mine. What i'm trying to do is to stay strong and i'm focusing only on the future days, when I know the pain will be gone. It will. Have you two tried to seek some counseling?
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