vera345 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I need advice. My husband had an EA with woman who loves 10,000 miles away. He never meet her but they wrote each other for about 15 months. I confronted him bc he became cold towards me, never initiated sex, etc. he told me that he loves 2 women and that he didnt really know what to do with this. I did a lot of mistakes after I found out, cried, tried to convince him that our marriage was good, he didnt listen. After 2 weeks of no contact with her I found out that he started to talk to her again. By that time I read tons of posts here and did full 180 on him. I told him that I still love him but will not tolerate an affair. I told him to leave. He said fine. He was searching for a place to live, I was indifferent, had a new hair cut and decided to move on with my life. He noticed and in 3 days told me that he broke up with that woman because of "stress and financial reasons." He then started to tell me that I don't care about him if I gave up our marriage so easily and that he was shocked to my reaction. Last week end, we sat down and talked. He admitted that what he did was wrong told me that he never stopped love me and we decided to work on our marriage. The problem is that I don't trust him and part of me thinks that he chose to stay with me bc of comfort and finances and the fact that we have a child together. He invested a lot in my education and I am at the point where I started to make a good money after we lived for years on limited budget. My pay will go up with years and his wont. I worry that that's the real reason why he wants to stay. I can't explain his comment about stress and finances any other way. I asked him to sign a postnaptual agreement staying that if either party will cheat, the innocent party gets a house. He refused. He says that this is an attempt to control him and that he will not live with a document like this. He says that no document can rebuild the trust and we just need time. That I don't want someone to stay with me for financials reasons and he wouldn't want me to do it too. I disagree and he won't back up on this. What do you think I should do? I feel like he did a horrible thing and now isn't willing to pay any consequences. The postnaptual is not about forcing anyone to stay in a marriage, it's about cheating.
almond Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 To be honest, you need to separate at the very least. He has hurt you, refused to break up with this woman, and once he has, he advised you it was due to "stress and financial reasons." Not because he loves you. Not because you have a family together. Not because he doesn't want to destroy you. Not because cheating is wrong. You get the picture. You deserve much better. I mean, has he even apologised!? This treatment will wear you down over time - it's abusive and unhealthy, and both you and your son will suffer in such a loveless environment. Go out and live the life that you want for both you and you little boy. Please, get out and move on. You will not be able to live an even remotely happy life with a man who treats you so horribly
Author vera345 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 He apologized many times. We had good marriage before this for 10 years. He never did anything like that before and says that was a mistake. It wasnt abusive until a month ago when I found out. I still love him but I want to be with him only we have that respect back. I don't know if we can at this point
ForeverHopeful1 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 So he plans to cheat when the dust settles? Otherwise he has NO reason not to sign it. If he isn't going to cheat why would he have a problem signing it??? I am so sorry you're going through this and being made a complete fool by your husband. If he wasn't staying with you for financial reasons, he would sign whatever was put in front of him. Since he won't sign it, it means he is staying with you for financial reasons and he will cheat again. Probably with this woman. He doesn't want to lose his house if you catch him cheating again. To be honest though, what kind of relationship will that be if you have to make him sign anything saying he won't cheat or that the innocent party get the house?
Author vera345 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 This is what he wrote me: We're divorcing because you won't accept me back without a post-nup. I'll never sign one ever. Not for anyone, at any point in my life. Never. I cannot love a person who makes me sign one. I would forever hate that person. That's how I'm built. That's the choice I make for my own life. I won't do it for any person on this planet. Not because I don't trust myself. Because I cannot love a person who would make me sign. I'm at the apartment now.
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