Any men have a wife that actually compromises?

[Eve]

H'mmm, was the therapist male or female?

 

I think you could benefit from time with a female therapist in order to fully express and resolve the things you say here. I think a female therapist could really help you as a male reflection could in your circumstance be a false or inadequate reflection because you don't really have issues with men. H'mmm.. you are still too defensive. Please consider having a few sessions with a female therapist. The question of compromise needs to be looked at further. Methinks your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something and you need to listen in order to overcome the hurt/idealised views you hold.

 

I have two primary experiences to reflect on regarding the compromise question but generally speaking I am wired to compromise - but will not do so if it is detrimental to my well being... married or not. H is the same.

My ex has no idea what the word compromise means because he has an idealised view of women based on Scripture and stupid male friends who equally could benefit from being kicked in the face (with shoes on). He cannot change.

 

So, overall, I agree with the response that you need continued therapy or at least could benefit from some level of travel in order to get your bearings back. The world is a wonderful place and mostly people are ok, both male and female. Explore the issues of compromise further, it is a valuable key for us all. Personally I think it is the gateway to spirituality.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

[DaisyLeigh1967]

If my husband expected me to take ORDERS from him, I would laugh my ass off before telling him exactly where to stick his orders.

[xxoo]

Op, do you not know any couples with a healthy dynamic? Even in your church?

 

Sometimes, men will perceive their male friends of being "whipped" (too controlled by his wife) when the man chooses his wife over his friends. But that can be what the husband wants.

[Silly_Girl]

Sometimes, men will perceive their male friends of being "whipped" (too controlled by his wife) when the man chooses his wife over his friends. But that can be what the husband wants.

 

I was always trying to get my ex to go out with his friends. He didn't enjoy it as much as a night out with me.

 

They all believed I was 'stopping him'.

[Turtles]

Well, honestly, you know that it's extremely common to see a whipped, servile husband who takes orders from his wife (most American marriages are this way), yet it's RARE to see a woman taking orders from her husband. Women often pride themselves by saying, "If he thinks I'm submitting to him, he's got another thing coming, sister." (Snaps finger.) Yet a "good husband" is one who does this very thing!

 

You can't deny I'm right on this.

 

It sounds like the stereotypical 70-year old couple out of a movie, but I have never really seen that in the real world. It could be that it's just hidden behind closed doors, I have however seen marriages where the wife is subservient to a domineering husband and I don't believe it's a pleasant place to be in for anybody either. I believe the best marriage is one where both partner's opinion is equally valuable.

 

You need someone who is able to communicate with you in a rational way, you also need to be able to communicate with them. My xW was very "My way or the highway" and it caused a lot of friction - I would not describe it as "servile husband taking orders from his wife" but instead we had a lot of arguments. I believe it was a failure to communicate from both of us and she will be a lot happier with someone who is better able to handle her style of conflict resolution.

[tbf]

Well, honestly, you know that it's extremely common to see a whipped, servile husband who takes orders from his wife (most American marriages are this way), yet it's RARE to see a woman taking orders from her husband. Women often pride themselves by saying, "If he thinks I'm submitting to him, he's got another thing coming, sister." (Snaps finger.) Yet a "good husband" is one who does this very thing!

 

You can't deny I'm right on this.

What kind of people do you surround yourself with, that order around their spouses, whether male or female? Were they all born in a barn?

[dichotomy]

The problem is not finding one who will compromise..they do this all the time...the problem is finding one who will admit when their wrong - becasue they never are

 

Come on guy lighten up. Many of us men have been hurt by women, but ya got to find joy - and the right gal can bring it - if you let her. Suggest you just get out their in the dating world and just enjoy what you can.

[tbf]

I'm going to describe our marriage, so you understand that there are alternatives to spouses bitching and griping about each other, holding tight to petty resentments.

 

The majority of times, H makes the decisions. This makes him happy and most often, either I don't care about the issue or he's making decisions that factor in the entire family and not solely focused on his own needs. He's also intelligent enough to figure out when he's out of his depth and will either pass the ball to me or we'll discuss and come to some compromise.

 

There are also times where I put my foot down when it's important to me or I feel his perception is off so I suggest alternative views. This is where he backs down or we find a compromise.

 

The benefit to both of us, is that it's a relief to find someone who can be relied on.

 

With the above in mind, we don't fight very much, actually rarely where it's been a low level of fighting since the first day we met. We just naturally "get" each other.

 

Now some may believe that any disagreement is a fight but quite often, we're just goofing around in our own style of banter. The man's a litigator/trial lawyer where he just can't help himself sometimes and I wouldn't self-describe as timid. But it's not taken personally and we have fun doing it.

 

After typing this all out and rereading, this is very similar to my parent's style of relationship except that our roles are reversed where my mother makes the majority of everyday decisions and my father makes more of the long-term and especially, generational decisions. His parent's style is similar to my parent's. Yet again, interesting how our formative years impact heavily on our current.

 

Anyways, an alternative view.

[imfine]

"Well, honestly, you know that it's extremely common to see a whipped, servile husband who takes orders from his wife (most American marriages are this way), yet it's RARE to see a woman taking orders from her husband. Women often pride themselves by saying, "If he thinks I'm submitting to him, he's got another thing coming, sister." (Snaps finger.) Yet a "good husband" is one who does this very thing!

 

You can't deny I'm right on this."

 

Where the hell are these men? I want one! JK

 

I did all the compromising in my marriage, to put it kindly. My exH wouldn't budge on anything. Over the years I became very resentful and depressed. He was shocked when I wanted a divorce and told me no, I wasn't allowed to divorce him. Sorry buddy, but I wasted enough of my life doing what I was told with no regard to my thoughts or feelings. Bottomline, men & women can be good partners or they can be jerks so be sure to chose wisely.

[Thegameoflife]

I've never seen equal say in any relationship; only partners that are happy with the dynamic or aren't happy with it. There is always an inequality, and one person with more say. People who say they have equality in their relationship are either in charge and compromise more for the other without giving up too much, or their partner is in charge and takes less than they give.

 

OP is talking about women who want no responsibility of leadership, but expect everything; as well as women who take charge, and take all. This exists in both the male and female populous, and is very common to see.

 

I will say that people only behave poorly if you allow it.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Just to add:

 

As I would laugh my ass off at being ordered about something, my husband would also laugh his ass off if I were to order him to do something.

 

Why would anyone want someone who could be ordered about like a servant? Ick, how unattractive that would be.

[Nyla]

Just to add:

 

As I would laugh my ass off at being ordered about something, my husband would also laugh his ass off if I were to order him to do something.

 

Why would anyone want someone who could be ordered about like a servant? Ick, how unattractive that would be.

 

Right? My husband and I make polite requests but we never order or bully each other around. We like to have mutual respect.

 

For example, my husband will be on his way home in about twenty minutes. I asked him to please grab a pint Ben and Jerry's on the way home for me.

 

There was no "Go get my ice cream now!" If I tried to order him to get it for me, not only would my husband refuse but he would ask who the hell I was talking to in that manner.

[knitwit]

Yeah, I know a few women who can own up to it when they are wrong.

 

They also look for win-wins in their relationship, and so they are well-versed in how to compromise.

 

None of them would be interested in striking up a relationship with a man who asked this question. This would be a quick and easy eliminator.

 

For one, a woman with decent boundaries and some self-respect would immediately pick up on the disrespectful tone towards women. Also, asking the question shows that the asker does not have experience compromising with his woman, and hasn't seen it happen in his family or in his friend's relationships. This is not a good candidate for a healthy relationship.

 

OP, you'll know that you are really getting into a better place when you stop wondering whether there are quality women. That question shows that you're at the starting point after a horrible relationship gone bad.

 

Keep doing the work on yourself (therapy rocks!), and soon you'll have your feet back under you again. My therapist had me identify healthy relationships in my world (e.g. my aunts, some friends, some neighbors) to help get me out of my Negative-land. This helped me realize that it was possible to have healthy, happy, sustainable relationships. It seems so obvious now, duh, of course there are good relationships and happy marriages! Yet back then, I literally just didn't see it.

 

Soon, the thinking becomes, "I have done my work and will continue to do so. I am a freaking catch! I am ready to be in a great relationship. I am going to be an awesome partner and I will only accept a partner who is also awesome!"

 

When you are at that point, you'll just have a laugh when you see a woman stubbornly refusing to own it when she is wrong, and you'll move on without a care. Check, please! Have a nice night!

 

Can't wait to see posts from you asking "Red Flag or Not?" and "Ideas for a great surprise anniversary get-away?" There is more and better ahead, if you keep on keeping on.

[Clockwork]

my wife compromises. so do I

[optimistic_daisy]

Hey M30USA,

 

Here's my take on this. I was married for 19 years to a man whom I perceived as being entirely uncompromising. His view was *his way or the highway*. I was eventually divorced, but had two more relatioinships with men who at first I thought didn't seem to be this way, but ultimately were. What was going on, I wondered?

 

This issue that you speak of is by no means gender specific. There are pushy, righteous men just as there are women who always think they are right. I think it has much more to do with your own style of behavior and what you are attracting--at least in my experience. (I don't know you, of course, but I know others with the same issue that I have.)

 

My advice is to take a close look at your own behavior, and see where you can assert yourself a bit more in a healthy way. If you are going along with things too willingly as to not rock the boat, I think you will draw to yourself women who are going to be standing at the helm most of the time--uncompromising. As I said, I don't know if this is an issue for you, but I think it is important for all of us, men and women alike, to assert ourselves confidently in the moment--not to just go along with things, but also not to repress our true feelings only to have them resurface much stronger (due to festering) later.

[serial muse]

Sometimes, men will perceive their male friends of being "whipped" (too controlled by his wife) when the man chooses his wife over his friends. But that can be what the husband wants.

 

My exH had moved with me when I went to grad school...he told his friends back home that I was "keeping" him there. What a crock; he was desperate to get out of the original city and go to a new place and basically just took an opportunity when it arose. But I made a convenient whipping post when they asked him why he didn't move home and he didn't want to tell the truth (that he didn't want to). (Epilogue: we've been divorced for a decade and he still hasn't moved back there. Heh.)

Edited August 20, 2013 by serial muse

[lonelybird]

I compromise, so dose my husband

 

Maybe you have some difficulties to stand up for yourself?

 

How come you always choose women who don't comprise? I think underneath you may want to use them to resolve your own issues:confused:

[johan]

I compromise, so dose my husband

 

Maybe you have some difficulties to stand up for yourself?

 

How come you always choose women who don't comprise? I think underneath you may want to use them to resolve your own issues:confused:

 

Husband?

[lonelybird]

Husband?

 

Yes, i got married

[Eve]

Yes, i got married

 

Congratulations!

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited August 21, 2013 by Eve

[Got it]

Yes we both compromise. We are both strong personalities so I can't say that one wins out more than the other. I defer to him on different areas and go with his suggestion, there are other times I take the ball with it.

 

I don't WANT a man that I can boss around. I had that in my first marriage and I want a man that will stand his ground.

 

So yeah what he wanted in the new house we bought probably weighed heavier than what I wanted or would have bought if I was alone. But he wanted to make sure that I loved whatever we bought and I was fine getting a few different need to haves and he could have his.

 

Where I tend to put my foot down is on money as he is less patient on big ticket improvements for the house and I tend to want to wait. But we talk it out. We are getting plantation shutters because he wants them. I like them but it wasn't on my must have list.

[2.50 a gallon]

Yes, in most cases mine is more than willing to listen and then compromise. However, I make sure that I too do my share of compromising.

 

I am lucky as she is a very loving, understanding woman who gives with her whole heart. We hardly ever disagree.

 

Her Ex was a control freak abuser who was always right and she was always wrong. He beat her down emotionally, until one day she had had enough. The man spent the last 20 years of his life trying to win her back.

 

Because of her Ex, I have to use caution, when we do disagree, as there is a part of her that will slip back to that disasterous brow beating relationship, and the "I am always wrong attitude" will come back. A path I never want to go down with her.

[RavenWolf]

I have done a whole lot of compromising in my marriage. More than I should have.

 

So yes, there are women who compromise.