max Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 My wife has left me, been gone for 6 weeks now, has her own apartment, phone, cable, etc. She has resisted contact with me, says she needs to "find herself". She says she still loves me and may come back, IF she can just have this time to figure out her problems. She resists marriage counseling. I see on my phone bill that she is in contact with another soldier whom she has referred to as a friend. She says he offers her guidance and support during this period in her life, and that he is on "my side". He is mobilized at a duty station about 2 hours away. During her absences, she has been "camping" in the area around this military post. She has tried to set him up with a girlfriend of hers, but evidently there was no success. Am I paranoid that maybe she is personally interested in him? Maybe she has been in a relationship with him or SOMEONE and is weighing pro/cons between he and I. or maybe cannot find the means to tell me we are in fact through. Last monday she said she was going to seek the divorce because it was the only way she could get the peace from me to do her "thinking". I dont understand how you can such an active social life and do any of this "thinking" LADIES - do you have any insight to this? S
SoleMate Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 Am I paranoid that maybe she is personally interested in him? Nope, that's not paranoia, that's just common sense! A troubled person who finds consolation on the shoulder of a member of the opposite sex, even if it starts out fairly innocent, can easily get drawn in. If she's truly feeling lost, then she's vulnerable to this. she said she was going to seek the divorce because it was the only way she could get the peace from me to do her "thinking" If you want to save your marriage, you better see this for the crisis it is and take immediate action, or she'll be gone before long. People don't usually walk away from marriages that are meeting their emotional needs. Please see <URL removed> for more on this. Something like this should be the tone: "Darling, I want you back home because I love you and am totally committed to our marriage and making it a happy and fulfilling one for both of us. I can see you have been struggling a lot, and I'm asking you if you will come home so we can work on our problems together. I will let bygones be bygones - as far as I am concerned, all that matters is our future. Will you do this for us?" Good luck.
Author max Posted November 5, 2004 Author Posted November 5, 2004 that is almost exactly what I have said to her, She has told me that what she is doing is "entirely internal" and "needs to do this alone" I fear she has already crossed that line (another man) and is trying to decide whether she can come back to me. I maintain that I can forgive anything, and we can start anew. it is the "not knowing" that is killing me.
savethedrama4allama Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 As solemate said: Something like this should be the tone: "Darling, I want you back home because I love you and am totally committed to our marriage and making it a happy and fulfilling one for both of us. I can see you have been struggling a lot, and I'm asking you if you will come home so we can work on our problems together. I will let bygones be bygones - as far as I am concerned, all that matters is our future. Will you do this for us?" I have been the wife to leave. If my husband would have said this, I would have come back. I left because he was emotionally and physically cold, rarely communicated with me, and rarely showed his love. I see that you've said this to her before. Say it again. Its all you can do. In the end its her choice, but you must tell her what solemate said again & again if you want to save your marriage. Also, if she won't agree to counseling, set up weekly appointments for yourself and kindly invite her every week. She may take you up on it eventually.
SoleMate Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 I have been the wife to leave. Me too. If my husband would have said this, I would have come back. Me too. Keep telling her as above until she asks you to stop. Check out <URL removed> and ask her what you can do to better meet her emotional needs. Keep it upbeat and friendly.
Author max Posted November 5, 2004 Author Posted November 5, 2004 I suppose my question is this: what do you suppose she IS thinking? without any feedback from her, I cannot help but believe she is involved in some way with another man. Can she be soooooo different that she really IS staying at home alone and just "doing a self analysis"? I wonder what insight you might offer me as to the mind of a woman in this position.
Author max Posted November 5, 2004 Author Posted November 5, 2004 I did this until she asked me to stop, she then said she would proceed with the divorce because it was the only way she was going to get any peace from me to do this "thinking" I have asked her what I CAN do and her response was "give me time" I am having a really difficult time with this.
SoleMate Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 I cannot help but believe she is involved in some way with another man. Very possible. If you want to save your marriage, I wouldn't focus on this. I would instead concentrate on coaxing her back to the security, comfort, warmth, and love that your marriage (should have) provided.
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