bermondsey Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Hiya, New to this but just wanted to post my story and get some thoughts...vent a little ... yknow. I'm afraid I don't get most of the terminology on this but I'll do my best! So, I am 31 and married no kids. Have been having an A with a MM who has 3 kids for 20 months now. We work together...sit opposite one another. We started as friends; drunken kiss at party; let's get it out our system; then we fell for each other. Hard. Romantic. In love. Best friends, soulmates, never felt like this before etc. Our marriages deteriorated - his more so; his wife is volatile at times and they are frequently fighting and threatening divorce. He says he is only there for the kids. They have not been intimate since January this year. He said at the start, he never wanted to leave his kids and he is a great Dad. We had one year of not much pressure from me. But since the start of this year, I have put pressure on - to make a decision either way. But ideally pick me. We had space in January. He said he wanted to be with me. Things were falling apart with them. And then he got cold feet, scared, guilty about his babies. We ended briefly but he reignited because he couldn't be without me blah blah. Then. (Something I don't see or note much in other affairs?) We told our boss at work who 'knew' as do most of the floor. Cringe. He suggested counselling for both of us. MM took it. He ended up with a really good Relate counsellor on his own. From everything he has said, she was pro me, don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids, etc. He decided again he wanted to be with me. Then, you'll notice, there's a lot of words but not much action... By May I said. I need a plan. You need to do something. He stalled for a few weeks and didn't know what to do. But he finally snapped and told her he was not in love with her and did not fancy her. Cue a week of them arguing. She ground him down and he stayed, it went quiet. I said, I had enough. He had a chance and he didn't take it. He was devastated. Begged me to stay with him. Promised he would do something. So we sat down together and planned. Looked and finances. He confessed he intended to leave her after their family holiday. He had to go so as not to let the kids down ... And before he left , he went to see his Mom and told them everything. That he wanted to leave. He was scared. Wanted support & to know they'd still love him no matter what. They were very supportive ... in fact his Mom texts me everyday and says she can't wait to meet me and is almost welcoming me into the family :-) But he's now on his holiday. Whilst he has emailed me every few hours, it has taken its toll on me massively. I'm exhausted and feel emotionally cheated. His wife saw a text and she is very suspicious. He is going to speak to his counsellor and Mom again when he is back from holiday to work out how to leave her but I'm just waiting for more excuses and stalling. It's hard to summarise the ups & downs, the true love, the pain and the hurt but I hope others understand. I hate the situation, it affects my entire life and that of many others. I guess there are pros and cons through the story. I like to think it's different to others - don't we all? Is it? Is the counselling and the talking to Mom good? Does it mean we really are heading for a future together? Actions always speak louder than words though don't they.... Thanks for listening. Please ask any questions. Hard to write this. Hard to summarise something so long and emotional.
Pierre Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Hiya, New to this but just wanted to post my story and get some thoughts...vent a little ... yknow. I'm afraid I don't get most of the terminology on this but I'll do my best! So, I am 31 and married no kids. Have been having an A with a MM who has 3 kids for 20 months now. We work together...sit opposite one another. We started as friends; drunken kiss at party; let's get it out our system; then we fell for each other. Hard. Romantic. In love. Best friends, soulmates, never felt like this before etc. Our marriages deteriorated - his more so; his wife is volatile at times and they are frequently fighting and threatening divorce. He says he is only there for the kids. They have not been intimate since January this year. He said at the start, he never wanted to leave his kids and he is a great Dad. We had one year of not much pressure from me. But since the start of this year, I have put pressure on - to make a decision either way. But ideally pick me. We had space in January. He said he wanted to be with me. Things were falling apart with them. And then he got cold feet, scared, guilty about his babies. We ended briefly but he reignited because he couldn't be without me blah blah. Then. (Something I don't see or note much in other affairs?) We told our boss at work who 'knew' as do most of the floor. Cringe. He suggested counselling for both of us. MM took it. He ended up with a really good Relate counsellor on his own. From everything he has said, she was pro me, don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids, etc. He decided again he wanted to be with me. Then, you'll notice, there's a lot of words but not much action... By May I said. I need a plan. You need to do something. He stalled for a few weeks and didn't know what to do. But he finally snapped and told her he was not in love with her and did not fancy her. Cue a week of them arguing. She ground him down and he stayed, it went quiet. I said, I had enough. He had a chance and he didn't take it. He was devastated. Begged me to stay with him. Promised he would do something. So we sat down together and planned. Looked and finances. He confessed he intended to leave her after their family holiday. He had to go so as not to let the kids down ... And before he left , he went to see his Mom and told them everything. That he wanted to leave. He was scared. Wanted support & to know they'd still love him no matter what. They were very supportive ... in fact his Mom texts me everyday and says she can't wait to meet me and is almost welcoming me into the family :-) But he's now on his holiday. Whilst he has emailed me every few hours, it has taken its toll on me massively. I'm exhausted and feel emotionally cheated. His wife saw a text and she is very suspicious. He is going to speak to his counsellor and Mom again when he is back from holiday to work out how to leave her but I'm just waiting for more excuses and stalling. It's hard to summarise the ups & downs, the true love, the pain and the hurt but I hope others understand. I hate the situation, it affects my entire life and that of many others. I guess there are pros and cons through the story. I like to think it's different to others - don't we all? Is it? Is the counselling and the talking to Mom good? Does it mean we really are heading for a future together? Actions always speak louder than words though don't they.... Thanks for listening. Please ask any questions. Hard to write this. Hard to summarise something so long and emotional. Your story is cookie cutter typical. There are no outstanding issues. The EMR started at work, that is the preferred method. Put women and men in closed quarters 8 hours a day and romance happens. There is no magic to this, this is how we are designed for mating. Once the EMR starts the marriage at home gets really bad because the wandering spouses have checked out of the marriage. At this stage the negatives of the marriage are magnified and the good times ignored. As usual the OM is spineless and unable to make a decision. He is your typical dumbsel in distress. The MOWs are generally ready to divorce. The Married OM generally stays married. How come you are still married? You should get a divorce now! Why wait the outcome of the relationship of Married OM with wife? Your distress is typical. Your best bet at this point is to dump married OM and get a job elsewhere. Otherwise, this torment may go on forever. Lastly, you know nothing about the wife. All you know is what he tells you. If you truly want this to work out you must end it and move on. If married OM really loves you he will come back to you with divorce papers in hand. 4
ComingInHot Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 bermondsey, as I was reading your story, I have to admit that if really does sound similar to most of the A stories on here (save the different twists & turns all have). I am actually impressed you both told your boss and it was probably a smart move in saving the careers from the potential damage A's in the workplace can wreak. I do have a couple concerns, comments and questions*: Why the honesty w/boss & mother by MM but not Honesty w/His Wife? If she is the kind of person you describe, she may be your Best chance at ending the A & becoming a legitimate, open & honest relationship. She may go off and threaten to keep kids away But that is not the norm these days with the courts. The courts will be the final say in visitation* Why are You waiting for MM to "make a move"? If you are so miserable in your own Marriage, why don't You take the steps to leave instead of pressuring MM to do something to "make" You happy? You mentioned MM in counseling. Is this Individual counseling (IC) or MC? And R You in IC &/or MC? Okay, those were the first things that came to mind* now comments... You wrote that your M's "deteriorated" After the A started. His More than yours pretty much because of His Wife and not your A. I gotta be honest here bermondsey, I don't by that all the way. Please google "alienation of affection". Not in the "legal sense, but in its true definition. Even look at it and how the A has played a role in the deterioration of your own M. Lastly, I'm sure you are both good parents, please consider though that being a "Great Dad" or mom means being available to your children and watching and caring for them even when they don't seem to need or want it. In A's, partners tend to believe they are the bomb parents when the reality is the time spent with kids is the least it has ever been. Just some food for thought CIH* 4
hermione08 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Hi there, First of all, never believe a man when he says he's not intimate with his wife. NEVER. Unless the wife tells you herself. Secondly, I would advise you to take your life into your own hands. You'd be surprised how many men stay in awful relationships rather than leave their wives. You don't want to wait forever, so just leave him (and your husband) and start afresh. If he still wants you, he knows where you are. He can only hope you'll still be available when he makes up his mind. I would not hold my breath, if I were you. 3
Pierre Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Hi there, First of all, never believe a man when he says he's not intimate with his wife. NEVER. Unless the wife tells you herself. Secondly, I would advise you to take your life into your own hands. You'd be surprised how many men stay in awful relationships rather than leave their wives. You don't want to wait forever, so just leave him (and your husband) and start afresh. If he still wants you, he knows where you are. He can only hope you'll still be available when he makes up his mind. I would not hold my breath, if I were you. Exactly!!!!!!!!!!:cool: But, I want to add: This man is no catch. He seems a bit of a wimp. OP fell for this man because they work together and this environment is fertile for EMRs. 5
Lady2163 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 First of all, welcome to the forum. Just a heads up, not all peope here will agree with what you're doing. If you find them or their posts truly offensive, be sure to report the post and place the user on ignore. It's one thing to express an opposing view, it's another to personally attack. That said, I was wondering, if its not too personal, why haven't you left your husband yet?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Wow, are you really prepared to go from having no kids to being the step mommy of three? Love and romance tend to fizzle when surrounded by dirty diapers and temper tantrums. Are you prepared to be married to a man whose ex wife will always be in the picture and most likely always resent you for intruding on her marriage? Are you prepared that their kids may never accept you.
veryhappy Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) One year ago in August exMM was on vacation with his family. I was very understanding about it because the kidd were going to see the grand grandparents probably for the last time. He had started therapy, was going to tell his mom and was so positive he wanted to be with me. He didn't tell his mom, and long tumoultous story short the last time I saw him was in September - I had enough and they started MC. By the end of October he felt the need to let me know that he had never been interested in being with me, he just sort of stumbled on it. Fun. I strongly advise you that at he first sign of him faltering to tell him to let you know when he's divorced and go NC. I understand your wish to be supportive, but if you are there for him and he's not moving to be with you, it will only hurt you and keep him staying with his current life. It's a good sign that he's told his boss and his mom, but until he actually divorces her, nothing changed really. Edit to add: there's a consensus around here that people who go on vacation with their spouse/ family don't end up divorcing. Just from the number of stories I've seen. It usually means a level of commitment that doesn't end in divorce. Edited August 13, 2013 by cutedragon 1
Author bermondsey Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Thanks for replies so far. To your questions... My marriage? I would/should leave. I focus so much time on the MM & at the moment I feel too low to be able to pull myself together and act. I wanted to leave last year but my parents really wanted me to stay so I did out of guilt. I feel whatever I do will cause my husband unhappiness, I feel I should be honest but my friends that do know, are not so sure. I think I will start maybe another post on this one though. The MM? He has had IC and chose to do this himself. I think it really helped him but it is slow progress - for him, it is the children. He does not want his BS to know the truth because he is terrified she will take the children and use them against him. She is suspicious but I think she's in denial. Yes, things between them are worse because of the A and he does alienate her affection ; and they are not intimate as I've seen emails from her regarding this. I would be really happy to be a stepmom - the kids are gorgeous and I felt myself falling for them too when I've met them. It's strange at the moment, some of my friends who, at the start of the year said - he's stringing you along - are now the ones saying - be patient and thinking it will work out. I'm running out of steam a bit because I am so depressed most of the time. I guess I'd like experience and advice as to whether MM having IC and telling his own Mom - who actually believes he should leave his wife - are these positive signs? I know we have a way to go & nothing's concrete til he's divorced - and not even then - only after many subsequent happy years of marriage together! Just some honest opinions regarding the latest developments please. Thanks very much, Bx
veryhappy Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 (edited) It all depends on your particular MM. The two are positive signs, but the vacation is negative. You can't focus just on the positive, and it's your life to live and decide how much of yourself you want to invest in him, knowing there's a risk of not ending up together. MM who do leave usually follow through, so if the two of you are making a plan and he's sticking to it, your chances are good. If there's no definite timeline, a things are fluid and changing like going on vacation when he was thinking he wouldn't, than it isn't heading for divorce soon. We can't tell you what will happen. He could divorce her, marry you, get a house, get you pregnant and still go back to her. It's really a case by case story, but most of them do end poorly for the OW. It's best that you decide for yourself how much you can give, let him know and agree on something. If you'll get at the end of your rope, you'll need enough energy left to walk away. It's basically a gamble game. Be there for him hoping he'll choose you, but keep enough of yourself so you don't completely fall apart if he doesn't. Edited August 16, 2013 by cutedragon 1
scatterd Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 If MM is able to tell his mother about this why does he not tell his wife. Telling his wife he is cheating and you are talking to her beloved mother in law would be a sure way of getting divorced. If he leaves her are you going to do the same. I would think about what kind of man he is though. If he can do this to his wife and his mom approves of him doing this he could do the same to you. Also would your mom talk to him and encourage you to leave ? Think about that it could happen to you also your future matters.
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