When does the nightmare end?

[Shockedandsad]

Okay i am now five weeks into a separation that to be honest i really never saw coming. I still cannot believe it has happened. Everyone says time makes it easier. Well i am still not feeling any better. I cry everyday. When he sends a text to pick something else up i completely lose it. He also told me he is moving interstate at the end of the year, which shocked me. (pretty sure he is running away from his problems) I am seeking counselling. And am on anxiety medication. The weekends are the worst. I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And i know decisions have to be made about selling the house, furniture etc but i just cant deal with it. My family are pushing me to get it all sorted, but it is so hard.This is a nightmare, how do i pull myself out of this blackness. When does it get better.

[keepontruckin]

I'm at the four month mark, and things are finally starting to get easier...

 

Your mileage may vary.

[hayewils]

It takes time.. Unfortunatly.

Im right at 5 months and things are much better today for myself.

I do however still have my moments. Yestaerday and today ive been bummed. Im also just dealing with other issues as well. You still have away to go yet. I wish i had something better to offer but i dont. Just try to keep your head up.

 

Hugs,

Scott

[hayewils]

If your family is close, i would try to just be with them. Sometimes that doesnt help either though. I know for myself, i really didnt want to be around anybody and im still that way today. I have to push myself at times. Continue the counseling, it does help to just vent out your frustrations, post on here regularly. It also helps. Get a journal, write away in it. For me it helped to just get every thing in my head, OUT.

Were here for you

[MrE_UK]

I'm over the two month separated point and my wife is acting like a first class weirdo - she's all over the place! I sit here being told to wait, she's not ready to talk about it, and she may/may not want to try to reconcile. She doesn't want me seeing anyone else - if I do, there are consequences apparently???!!! She even paid for me to travel to pick up my kids and take them back..! Welcome to the madness!!

 

However, just get on with your life for now - it really does help. New hair cut, new hobby, see friends and family, throw yourself into your work, plan a trip or holiday with some friends, sort the finances and pack all their things up for them in black bags, etc.,. It will do you the world of good...

 

My wife texts/calls about something every day still...today's call was at 8am as she was on the train to a job induction. What about? Problems with my 7 year old...and I was told to not talk over her and listen to HER feelings!!!! Get that!

 

She has been getting very stressed lately, sometimes acts like nothing's happened, worried about blame for separation (it's all my fault allegedly), won't entertain a divorce...Odd.

 

Despite her leaving me in the plop...I still have feelings and sometimes yearn for her to be close. Seeing her is an absolute torture; but, I have to as have kids. Just getting on with my life seems to have helped immensely. I joined a dating site to help with my self-esteem - it's working. I have also been out to bars, to a club, job hunting, new hair cut and aftershave, etc.,.

 

What's the trick? Let them go. Text them and say, "My love for you and our relationship is not Alcatraz. I want you to be happy. You're free!" Then as hard as it is, don't contact them. When they contact you, be short and to the point.

 

I didn't see it coming either and am now in treatment for anxiety and having counselling for separation, and childhood issues. It's a grind, but there is light...the feelings won't last forever. You just have to accept it, and move on. That's all you can do.

Edited August 13, 2013 by MrE_UK

[zoobadger]

It got worse before it got better for me. In fact, I'd say five to six weeks out was the hardest time for me. Also, my STBX and I agreed not to rush the legal process, knowing that the emotional turmoil of separation is already an nearly unbearable burden.

 

We have kids - six and eleven years old - so there's that, too. The scars will always ache and the wounds will never fully heal, but you'll start to recover gradually.

 

One thing that helped me: I sat down and made two bullet lists. First, I listed all the things that sucked about my marriage. Second, I made a list of all the things that would be welcome changes as a single guy. Both lists were pretty long and it was a therapeutic exercise. Because I know what you're doing now: all day long you're unconsciously assembling lists of all the things that suck about being single and all the ways that you'll miss your marriage.

 

Start doing the opposite as much as you can.

[GorillaTheater]

Mr. E reminded me of a great post I once read, and was able to dig up.

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim of infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[RonaldS]

Hmmmm....let's see.

 

My wife and I separated 3 years ago. Yesterday, the city booted my car, which they will do with 3 unpaid parking tickets. I knew I had a few floating around out there, but they can be expensive and I haven't had a ton of money to spend on paying those. So, it's a little bit of a cat-and-mouse game, but of course, the cat always ends up catching the mouse.

 

Ok, they got me. It was an eventuality, and when I walked out and saw the boot, I was just sort of 'Oh, splendid'.

 

I went down to one of the city offices to pay the tickets. The woman working with me kept getting weird looks on her face as she was dilly-dallying on her computer. Then she hits 'print', and the sheets kept coming off.

 

Apparently, my wife had gotten a bunch of tickets that went unpaid. The car was in my name, but after she moved, I did not change the registration address, so I never got notifications.

 

$2348 later....

 

What was the question? When will the nightmare end? Seemingly, never.

[Misadventure]

Gorilla, I am going to read that over and over.

 

OP, look at the page where the 180 is.. I am on week 6 and found this forum..and just started..it gets you moving and out of bed..and makes you start focusing on whats important...you.

 

I am slowly getting there...and trust me, I still cry alot..but I have NO CONTACT. That was a big move. Start with that.

 

No, it's not easy..its a struggle everyday. But today is better than day one..and thats really all I know.

[Shockedandsad]

Having a rubbish few days. He once again came to pick up more stuff. I was hoping it would be the last of it, but no he is coming next week to get more. Had a talk about finances, someone is getting into his ear and talking crap to him. I was hoping to be strong but ended up bursting into tears. I so never saw my life going down this path. I am doing all the things people say, going out with friends, exercise etc. But i am still struggling and still not seeing the light. i am just at a loss at the moment. A great big loss.

[96nole]

You're still neck deep in the sh*t of this. It starts getting better when you finally say enough. When you finally tell yourself that you are better than this. (you are). When you finally realize you deserve better. When you finally take back control.

 

Him coming back and getting a little bit more is just torturing you. Tell him that next week is the last time he is coming back for his things. Whatever he doesn't take with him, you are getting rid of it. Your first step in taking back control is to stop his back and forth.

 

When he finally moves out of the state, things will quickly get better because he won't be around. Whatever the problems are he is running from are his problems. Don't make them yours.

[MrOutlaw]

Okay i am now five weeks into a separation that to be honest i really never saw coming. I still cannot believe it has happened. Everyone says time makes it easier. Well i am still not feeling any better. I cry everyday. When he sends a text to pick something else up i completely lose it. He also told me he is moving interstate at the end of the year, which shocked me. (pretty sure he is running away from his problems) I am seeking counselling. And am on anxiety medication. The weekends are the worst. I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And i know decisions have to be made about selling the house, furniture etc but i just cant deal with it. My family are pushing me to get it all sorted, but it is so hard.This is a nightmare, how do i pull myself out of this blackness. When does it get better.

 

It's really different for everyone. When I went through the suprise divorce and pain back in 04 I now remember something pretty vital that someone told me: "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that makes things better."

 

Now I think about those words and how true they are, sure you need some time to get through the emotions and feelings but ultimately it's up to you to get better on your own time. when I say "get better" I mean it from the way people view relationships as completing them or not being ok withouth so-and-so. The reality is if that person wasn't born or existed that you would be with someone else. Realize that and also realize that you don't need anyone else out there to make you happy.

 

When you are happy for yourself and secure about yourself you will attract the same kind of person who will want to be with you and your relationship will be more of a partnership than you could have ever imagined.

 

Trust me - you will get through this if you force yourself to think positively and have as little contact with the ex as possible. Sure it hurts, that just meant that you loved them, but if it continues to hurt for an extended period of time it just means you don't love yourself.

 

You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. In other words if the foundation is strong events like this will hurt you but not cripple you. You have a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself and truly be you and strengthen yourself now.

 

When you get to a normalcy don't think about vengeance or revenge as these will only hold you back from being yourself.

 

Takes time and I wish you all the best.

Edited September 5, 2013 by MrOutlaw

[littlejaz]

Put a stop to the coming by to get a few more things. When he comes next weekend, have all his stuff packed and waiting for him. Make him take it all no matter what his excuse - such as he doesn't have room to store it, too bad not your problem. It would also be a good idea to document all the stuff he takes. I didn't do this and am paying for it now.

 

Get to an attorney. You need to know where you stand and what your options are. Do not take his word for anything, after all he is leaving you-he no longer has your best interest at heart. You have to take care of yourself. I am not saying that you have to make all the decisions right now, but you need to talk to an attorney so that you can make decisions that are in your best interest.

 

If the weekends are the hardest, change your routine. Find something to do on the weekends so you are not thinking about it all day.

 

Find the 180 on this website and follow it. As hard as it may seem, it will make you feel better in time. It does take time and the sooner you empower yourself, the quicker you will feel better.

 

Lastly, keep posting here. The support you get here will help immensely. Read through other posts - there are some truly inspiring posts on here that will help. You will also find that you are not alone. There are many of us who are going through similar feelings and emotions and you will see that it is possible to get through this and be a stronger, happier person on the other side.

 

Hang in there - it does get better.