Sailynn Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 My ex GF keeps showing up at my health club just as I'm finishing my class that I routinely attend. She could wait five minutes and I'd be out or there and she could have the place to herself, but why show up just minutes before I leave. My shrink friend tells me that she is there to catch a glimpse of me. Once, my ex-GF walked directly by me with her nose in the air, not looking at me. So, I spoke and said, "Hello". She turned and couldn't look at me, had her head down and was really nervous. I saw a lot of shame and guilt on her face. Anyway, here's my question. I still think of her, love her and miss her terribly. It's been hard to get over her. I haven't contacted her in those 7 months since the breakup. My shrink friend says I should write her and tell her my feelings, that I still care and miss her. Anyone had any experience with a situation like this? I'm trying to get some input. It's hard to tell if my ex-GF is totally indifferent, or is she there to torment me, or is she there to hope she will see me and hope I'll make a move. Before I decide to make myself vulnerable, I am trying to find out what ground I'm standing on here. Maybe one day, I should just walk up to her and say "Hi" let's have coffee. What to do? What to do?
JamVan Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 I'd tell her how you are feeling and a letter is a real good way. Be honest without being hurtful, it will put your mind at ease a bit. People do things ad don't realize what they are doing. My ex continues to make contact every couple of days even after we decided to take a break. I thinkit's confusion on their part, she probably misses you too but is still confused but maybe seeing you if even at a glimpse, sets her at ease...who knows? I wrote a letter to my ex, when we were going through much the same thing. We were on a break but I had no closure and it still felt I was hanging around and we were somewhat together. I didn't know how to handle this, so I sent her a letter detailing my feelings and how this all made me felt. With my experience I got good results. I don't have ehr back, but she did say thank you and thanks for being so understanding and to just give it time and everything will turn out fine.
ltomlinson81 Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 I agree with the above. Tell her how you feel. Don't expect anything from it though. And by the way, your shrink says she's been trying to catch a glimpse of you? It sounds more like she wants you to catch a glimpse of her. Just my humble female opinion...
Author Sailynn Posted November 5, 2004 Author Posted November 5, 2004 It's just a hard one to figure out. I've tried not to engage in thinking about it, but I miss her so much. It's really sad that two people who are intelligent, disciplined and basically good people and who, together, had such fun and great times together, now can barely speak when crossing paths. It's really sad. I never I thought I'd have this type situation in my life. I think she's had other dates, but I don't know if anything has taken. I've dated other girls and nothing has caught on in that regard for me. I now know what it feels like to be truly in love with someone so much that you just can't even imagine touching, kissing or loving anyone else. I've tried so hard to let it all go, but this time, it's been different. Sort of like, I'm defying universal vibrations or something mystical like that. Oh well!
JamVan Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 I find that too! I have thought about starting dating and have been asked several times, but I'm not ready nor is my heart. If I were you, keep going out have intellectual conversation with others as that will help, but I truly believe if you let your feelings out to her it will free a lot of questions and burdens you are experiencing. Like ltomlinson81 said, don't expect anything from it, just be true to yourself and your feelings. My thoughts go out to you, as I know all to well what you are going through.
Author Sailynn Posted November 5, 2004 Author Posted November 5, 2004 This has been on my mind for a long time. I've relented writing her out of fear. However, if I do this, and expect nothing to come from it, then I think I'll be okay. I mean things can't get much worse than they are now. RIght? I'll sit down this weekend and compose the letter. Thanks everyone for your support and input.
Soulfully Posted November 6, 2004 Posted November 6, 2004 Hey mate, I can understand why you want to write a letter to express your feelings. Yet, I would give it some more thought to be really honest. I mean, its been 7 months since she dumped you. And even though you know that you're still not over her, you should however exhibit that you are. Dont get the wrong idea... Im not into playing games either, and this may seem like it. However, I would go about this situation with a care-free attitude. You say that last time you tried to say "hello" to your ex she didnt even dare look at you, and still seemed pretty guilty for what she did to you right? Well, show her that you are the bigger person here, i.e. a mature person who can handle these things, and is over the pain and hurt. Show that you have regained the confidence and positive attitude you had when she first met you. Next time you see her at the gym, try and say hi or something, in a very light and friendly manner, with a lot of confidence. If she ignores you, or looks down, just say something like "Hey... its no big deal just to say hi you know?" Again, in a light and perhaps even humorous way - smiling, grinning. Not in a disrespectful way though obviously. The whole point is that she has to see that you are over her, that you're a mature confident happy adult that can pick himself up and not feel remorse, anger, or any resentment after someone has hurt them. Think about it... if you hurt someone (with or without intention) you would expect them to ignore you, feel angry at you etc... But if they didnt and actually acted as if its no great deal you would feel surprised to say the least. You'd probably be left thinking a little. Its about regaining control of yourself, and being a strong confident person that has control over what is and what is NOT going to affect them that much. Your ex dumped you 7 months ago. Yes, you suffered pain, heartbreak etc... She knows you've gone through hell. 7 months down the line, she still seems to feel guilty about what she did...she cannot let go of guilt after such time. But YOU can let go of pain and rebuild yourself. So show yourself as happy, successful, positive, care-free and loving of what life has to offer. These are positive traits that anyone would be attracted to. So I would say no to the letter where you spill your guts out, and then the ball is left on her court and you're left waiting to see what happens. No, i suggest not to. Regain your OWN control, YOU control YOUR situation, take back the control, dont give HER control over YOU again. So next time you see her, try and portray that everything is fine - happy attitude...you forgive her and its no big deal kind of attitude, cos you're over the suffering, you're out there to enjoy your life. Dont know if this actually adapts to your situation, but anyways, giving another point of view of what you could think about doing. I know that is how I'd handle things if I saw my ex. You have to be strong though and actually believe all is good. And yes, many will think this is like playing games, but never underestimate the powers of reverse psychology. So actually start believing its all fine and positive, whether your ex comes back or not. With that attitude and behaviour in life, many will be attracted to you, be it friends or lovers. Believe it, everyone likes to be around those that have a positive and happy outlook in life. Yes, we all go through suffering, and we should feel and experience the pain, for as long as its necessary. But afterwards, lets start picking ourselves up and hey...we're back enjoying life. Just my 2 cents. Peace.
Author Sailynn Posted November 8, 2004 Author Posted November 8, 2004 What you have suggested, I have been doing for all of those seven months. I've been happy. I've stood tall. People have approached me and we laugh together and she has seen it. I had the reverse psychology thing "going on" real strong. I dressed well and kept well groomed. A benefit from my workouts is that my body is in the best shape of my life and many women compliment on my body. I stayed focused on doing something positive and it has resulted in a tremendous benefit. The reason I decided to write is that I wanted to try and extend an olive branch. I wanted to tell her that I still cared, that I was not depressed or anything like that but sad that we couldn't at least speak and that I would always love her as the woman she was. I don't think it would be a bad thing to tell someone that. I've had breakups in the past, some I've caused and vis-a-versa. In a few of the cases, and wanted to have a mature relationship with the person, so we could really understand each other and continue our lives with as little pain as possible. However, this one didn't end good and it was tragic because it didn't have to. Thanks for your input. I've thought along your lines for a long time and I decided to change tactics and just say what's on my ming and in my heart. If I lose, I lose. I can't lose more than I already have. Afterall, I have the rest of my life facing me and I want to move on and be a loving person and not harbor any ill feelings.
Soulfully Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Hey there, I understand your motives better now. Just make sure to be mentally and emotionally prepared for anything.... be it no response to your letter, a positive or a negative reaction to it. Its true though, after all this time, I suppose you have nothing to lose anymore. And its good you want to make amends with a bad breakup. If she cant take it as such, worst for her, needs some growing to do. Take care mate, and good luck for what you wish to achieve with this deep down. Keep us updated. Peace
Soulfully Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Hey there, I understand your motives better now. Just make sure to be mentally and emotionally prepared for anything.... be it no response to your letter, a positive or a negative reaction to it. Its true though, after all this time, I suppose you have nothing to lose anymore. And its good you want to make amends with a bad breakup. If she cant take it as such, worst for her, needs some growing to do. Take care mate, and good luck for what you wish to achieve with this deep down. Keep us updated. Peace
Author Sailynn Posted November 8, 2004 Author Posted November 8, 2004 I'm prepared for anything. I'm probably more prepared to received a "non-response" or at the most short staccato response from her. If I receive a positive response from this, I will definitely be the most amazed man in the universe.
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