SmithJ Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I'm writing this one for myself, to vent and also so I can see how far I've come. Ex left me 2 months ago after ignoring his breadcrumbs 10 days ago text me saying he loved me and wanted to meet to see how we both felt. He drove almost 3 hours to see me, we had a really good time, couple of drinks and ended up sleeping together. He left and I asked what was going on with us. He said he didn't know but he loves me and I'm perfect. I asked if we could give 'us' another try. No response. I text again. No response. Final text was that I would leave him alone as I'm embarrassing myself and I know I've fought 100% for him. Still no response. I'm now back to NC but this time I've not only been dumped, I've been used, ignored, treated like I'm worthless and dumped all over again. Feel like I've been kicked whilst I'm down so I'm starting this little diary. Feel free to comment/give advice Day 1: Today I woke up expecting a text message from him apologizing for his behavior. Nothing. I feel further embarrassed and I've also got a migraine. Just want work to be over now so I can crawl into bed. I'm so disappointed that I'm here in this situation again. But more positively I've seen the other side to him, the side where he can use someone he was supposed to 'love' for sex. I've got my family who love me so so much, much more than he ever did and I'm staying with my mum so that's a positive thing too. I'm planning on therapy, just need to book myself in at the doctors. So day 1 is hard, not because I want to contact him but because I feel let down and also very embarrassed that he hasn't replied to my 3 texts (I'm embarrassed for sending that many!) how hard would it be for him to just text me saying 'I don't think we should be back together, I'm sorry about what happened on the weekend I was just confused. We wont text anymore which will give us a chance to both get over it' That would literally take a minute. But he's selfish and doesn't care.
Protege Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Don't feel bad for being used. Selfish people tend to use others, that him not you. Someone else is out there for you better suited for you who will love you and won't use you. Don't settle for that, your better than that. Keep your head up, you never know who you might meet.
Author SmithJ Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Protégé...Thank you, that was really lovely. He was selfish all the way through our relationship and I thought the time apart would make him realize him wanted me, all it made him realize was that I was available to him. It is embarrassing but at least I know I've tried my best and can love properly. He will be stuck in the same selfish rut and be miserable.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I don't think you have been used necessarily, but I think you had your hopes trashed at a time you were already vulnerable and that's got to hurt so much. Your last message to him was the right thing to do though, and this is the right thing to do. Don't worry about him writing. His silence speaks doesn't it? Good luck with NC.
keepontruckin Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Ya, best to stay no-contact. Don't listen to any of his BS lines, like "we can remain good friends" blah, blah, blah... My friends are idiots, but the one thing that I can say about them is that they are predictable if anything. My stbxw has proven that she is not predictable, nor is she reliable. She isn't trustworthy. Therefor, she doesn't even measure up to the lowest of standards that I hold my friends to, which is pretty low (like I said, they're idiots:laugh:) 1
Author SmithJ Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Unexpectedlyhere...Yes I think you're right. I think he texted me he wanted to meet because he was lonely but doesn't want to enter back with me, he just needed a 'fix' so to speak. Anyway it doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is ME and how I feel. I know that seems selfish but it's the only way forward. Perhaps him not messaging is the kindest thing to do so we can both heal. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be feeling okay again, I know I can do It I just need to ride the feelings out and not dwell. It's strange how you can feel unhappy whilst in a relationship but when it ends you look back and feel like it was perfect. I wouldn't want to be back there but I miss the person he was rather than the things he brought to our relationship. 1
keepontruckin Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Smith, don't worry about feeling selfish. Remember, he's the one that left you, correct? You owe him nothing. 2
Legatus Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Absolutely nothing. People like that don't deserve good, not to mention perfect!
Author SmithJ Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 That's true. I suppose I'm just still really hurt. Perhaps it is a little bit easier now he's shown his true colours but it hurts that it was almost 2 years of my life that I gave my love to him and I really did love him too and it just seems like he's being cruel. I'm not sure if it's him I miss because there were flaws (I remember when I'd literally be sat on the bathroom floor crying because of various arguments and he'd come in and shout at me more and just get madder) but I just seem to crave love and affection, I like that idea of being with someone who will take care of me and love me. I do have quite low self esteem though and maybe I should try to learn to love myself but I just don't know how.. Has anyone had this before? I'd love to be able to be happy by myself and love myself which might help me gain self respect I just don't know how to do it! I'd love some insight
Legatus Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 ohh the feeling of wasted time.. that was the thing that hurt me the most after my break up. not the fact she wasn't there anymore, because it was good thing. I realized after a while how much she was holding me back. I didn't do anything for myself for a year and a half. The best way to get rid of that feeling is to speed up your life right now, a little bit. So you actually "catch up" with your life plans before the &(@#$ Try to do things you didn't have a chance while you were with him. Write down your desires and dreams. Start fulfilling them. You're absolutely right, you have to be happy by yourself first, then you won't be so dependent on love of others. Thankfully I remember how good it is to be on your own. I do miss the company, I can't say no, but there will be right time and right woman who will shake my world, in every positive meaning of that phrase! It's going to be like that for you too! You seem like a very lovely person and it pains me to know someone could behave towards you like that. I will be happy to use my new bow on the guy : ) You know apple on the head and that stuff...
keepontruckin Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 That's true. I suppose I'm just still really hurt. Perhaps it is a little bit easier now he's shown his true colours but it hurts that it was almost 2 years of my life that I gave my love to him and I really did love him too and it just seems like he's being cruel. I'm not sure if it's him I miss because there were flaws (I remember when I'd literally be sat on the bathroom floor crying because of various arguments and he'd come in and shout at me more and just get madder) but I just seem to crave love and affection, I like that idea of being with someone who will take care of me and love me. I do have quite low self esteem though and maybe I should try to learn to love myself but I just don't know how.. Has anyone had this before? I'd love to be able to be happy by myself and love myself which might help me gain self respect I just don't know how to do it! I'd love some insight You're doing just fine, seeking a forum such as this. Everyone here has gone through something similar, even though the dynamics are all different. We all bring our self esteem into question, our looks into question, our sexual performance into question, our desirability into question! If you end up here, you are at the lowest of the low point in your life, and only time can usually help that. You're in good company, and in time you'll be able to see the good in people once again... And once that happens, love will hit you like a kick to the face when you least expect it... 1
Author SmithJ Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 That's kind of how I feel too. I have enrolled to start a Masters degree in September and I recently came into some money which I was planning on taking the ex and I away on holiday with but instead I'm buying a new car so that's a good thing for me. The thing that I'm enjoying really is having my money back, when we were together I would pay for everything, nights out, take aways, gifts and I'd always make the plans. It's a relief to just to be able to buy something nice for myself rather than think about what he would like. He was more concerned about buying things for himself (I cant remember the last time he got me a gift) Another thing I wont miss is that he loved going out to nightclubs (not with me though!) with his friends and he cheated on his ex A LOT (probably over 30 times) so before we moved in and he went on these nights out I would never be able to sleep because I was worried and paranoid about what he was doing. He'd sometimes miss work the next day so he could go out. He found nights in with me boring I think which is pretty hurtful. Something else (lol) that I don't miss is the way he loved to get other girls attention, putting up photos on twitter and facebook of himself and meeting girls on the train and adding them on facebook. He was very angry too, lots of times he would punch things in the house (never me) and kick and shout which made me scared. He did once shove a cushion in my face and threaten to stab me in the heat of an argument. He went on a night out with his friend once and ended up in a police cell because he got into a fight and pretty much destroyed this other guy (broke his jaw, eye sockets etc) all horrible stuff. I've pretty much lost all faith in men. He used to say I'll never find anyone good enough for me because of my dad treating me so well so I should just accept that the way he treats me is good. My dad literally adores me and he doesn't know any of the things that my ex did to me and I wouldn't tell him because he'd be hurt and I could never do that to my dad. I just hope that there is someone out there that will treat me well and my expectations aren't too high.
Author SmithJ Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Keepontruckin....thanks for that, it's nice to know we're all here for each other and that others have been through it too. I do worry about the love thing though because I don't want to be hurt again so I'm a bit scared to meet anyone.
Legatus Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 That's kind of how I feel too. I have enrolled to start a Masters degree in September and I recently came into some money which I was planning on taking the ex and I away on holiday with but instead I'm buying a new car so that's a good thing for me. The thing that I'm enjoying really is having my money back, when we were together I would pay for everything, nights out, take aways, gifts and I'd always make the plans. It's a relief to just to be able to buy something nice for myself rather than think about what he would like. He was more concerned about buying things for himself (I cant remember the last time he got me a gift) Another thing I wont miss is that he loved going out to nightclubs (not with me though!) with his friends and he cheated on his ex A LOT (probably over 30 times) so before we moved in and he went on these nights out I would never be able to sleep because I was worried and paranoid about what he was doing. He'd sometimes miss work the next day so he could go out. He found nights in with me boring I think which is pretty hurtful. Something else (lol) that I don't miss is the way he loved to get other girls attention, putting up photos on twitter and facebook of himself and meeting girls on the train and adding them on facebook. He was very angry too, lots of times he would punch things in the house (never me) and kick and shout which made me scared. He did once shove a cushion in my face and threaten to stab me in the heat of an argument. He went on a night out with his friend once and ended up in a police cell because he got into a fight and pretty much destroyed this other guy (broke his jaw, eye sockets etc) all horrible stuff. I've pretty much lost all faith in men. He used to say I'll never find anyone good enough for me because of my dad treating me so well so I should just accept that the way he treats me is good. My dad literally adores me and he doesn't know any of the things that my ex did to me and I wouldn't tell him because he'd be hurt and I could never do that to my dad. I just hope that there is someone out there that will treat me well and my expectations aren't too high. In so many ways you described my ex that I'm in genuine shock I understand you completely.. there's nothing to miss them for, the company will be back, sooner or later, but how much wiser we will have got by then! That's why I don't rush into new relationship. It's tempting - just to have that company, but I will be patient. Now I've got time to follow my dreams. Just like you. Someday there will be a person for every and each one of us, that's for sure Great stuff you're doing so much for yourself, really great. Good luck with your Masters Degree! 1
Angry bird Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 SmithJ, You have work to do...building your self worth. Your x is a selfish user, period. It will take time to heal all the wounds from the relationship, but if you sincerely take a look inside yourself. You will understand why he THINKS he can treat you like garbage. I dated a guy like this in my late teens early twenties, and he was a piece of garbage. Now he is married with a child and has grown up. But it took some hard Karma to knock him on his arse and for him to realize you get back what you put out. And when he came back calling me after I had picked myself and moved on, I was still in love with him, but the boundaries were up and the standards were set, and it was a totally different situation. I was no longer helpless wanting his love and approval. I learned that I didn't need it. It may seem like a long road to come, but you are going to find "your true self" urging the process. Enjoy the journey 1
Echo000 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 well im a guy. I can see so many similiarities between your ex and my female ex. Straight, pure, unabashed selfishness. Point being: not all men are like this (me and others). Not all women are like this (you and others). But selfishness, especially in late teens through twenties, is sadly very common.
Author SmithJ Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Angry Bird thanks for that post, that is exactly what I need to do, pick myself up and feel better about myself. He treats me like this because he KNOWS he can and then when he's feeling low he can text me things like 'I love you, I miss you, you're perfect' and I rise to the bait straight away and think we'll get back together. I just feel stupid more than anything but I know I'll be okay and eventually feel good about myself too. I just wish that there was some sort of guide telling me exactly what to do step by step because I WANT to get over it and leave it behind. I think a lot of people on here want their ex to come back and want answers on how to make that happen but I really don't, I just want to be over it and be happy by myself because I've been there before and KNOW I can do it. Echo, that's true it's just hard to pick out the good ones! Even though I'm not looking for anything right now it's a nice thought that in the future someone might come along.
Author SmithJ Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Last night was a bit hard, cried because I missed his presence, being in my apartment and laying in bed with me. This morning I woke up and felt okay, still have thoughts of him in my mind but I think a lot of that is due to the unanswered text messages I sent him and sort of feel like 'How could he do that to me?' But the answer is that he has and there is nothing I can do about it other than build myself back up again. I know that I'll be okay and this thread is helping.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 You're doing well! What are you up to today?
Author SmithJ Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Unexpectedlyhere...I'm in work today and then this evening I have people coming to the apartment we shared to have a look around because they're interested in it. I can't wait for it to just be gone, he is coming up for the rest of his stuff mid September so that's another run in I'll have to cope with. I'm hoping that by then, with no contact I'll be okay and can just brush it off. When I have moved out of the apartment that is probably when I will truly be able to heal as I know I'll never have to speak with him again. Just sort of waiting for that to be over now.
Author SmithJ Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Day 3: Last night was hard, had to show a (very happy smug) couple around my apartment as they want to move in. They were talking about where they were going to put their furniture and being all in love. They were really nice people and I did like them but when they left I cried and cried. Couldn't help but think that they were taking what was supposed to be my life where me and my ex lived. They're moving in on 16th September so at least I can start to move on from there. I woke up this morning at felt better, did have a dream about ex though but didn't dwell too much. I've been eating a lot of junk food this week so from Saturday the gym/healthy eating starts again. I'm feeling a little bit mad though how he has left me to pay the rent/bills on my own and just moved back to his home town. When we moved in everything was supposed to be 50/50 but it's been easy for him to just walk away, really gets me mad. Think it shows his level of maturity too.
Legatus Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Think it shows his level of maturity too. Or lack there of! : ]
Author SmithJ Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly good, didn't get upset last night either. But to be completely honest was still waking up expecting a message from him but I'm sure that'll fade with time. Today I feel like I'm glad I don't have to deal with any of his problems anymore and I can see that although I do still love him we are completely incompatible in what we want. He wants to go out drinking with his friends every weekend and go to different cities on nights out whereas I'd rather do something like go for dinner and then maybe a film or an early night because my working week is so busy. It's not that either of us are living in a way that is wrong its just different. I don't see the point in going to clubs, spending loads of money then just having a hangover to show for it and the ex is really fussy with food so doesn't like eating out and finds my lifestyle boring. I was so blinded by getting him back that I didn't take a step back to think about what would happen next if we did get back together. I think it would just cause more hurt as the same problems would arise. After the break up I spent so long thinking it was all my fault and 'if i'd have done this differently' but that's the wrong way to look at it, sometimes people are just incompatible. Hopefully on the right tracks to moving forward.
Author SmithJ Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 Day 5 Was hard as I felt really lonely and not very good about myself. I feel like a part of me is missing. It was a week since I let him back into my life to use me and then decide it wouldn't work out. I was looking at the clock thinking 'this time last week we would have been doing this and that' which was horrible. I went to the gym, cleaned up and changed my bedding (nothing better than fresh sheets) I went to see my gran for a while too. Day 6 It's been a week since I last saw him and I feel like it's been longer. I had dreams about him last night in which we were happy and back together looking for another place to live. It felt so real and so waking up to realise that it was a dream was awful. I went back to sleep and had another dream that we were at a football match and I was really enjoying it but I didn't know where he was. I had friends come over to me and tell me he was flirting with other girls and that was horrible. I just want all thoughts of him gone, like it never happened. Weekends are the worst. I'm going to the gym now so hopefully that will take my mind off things too.
Author SmithJ Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Well it's been 7 days since we last spoke and since I embarrassed myself with sending him 3 texts in a row without a reply. Urggggh. Last night was really hard, was crying a lot and missing him. So wish I hadn't have let him come back last weekend, I'm a fool and I would have been so much better off now. So rubbish. Although I want to get over him I want him to apologize for the way he has treated me (not very likely I know) It's just hard to deal with as we went through so much together and I feel like it was all lies on his part. It's been a week now and that's long enough to dwell on things. I just need to pick myself up now and learn from my mistake. Wish it was that easy!
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