She continues to contact like nothings wrong, but is this enough for me?

[JamVan]

My GF and I decided to take a break as she is dealing with depression. It has been a month now since we've decided this, but she continues to contact me and states she needs and wants me in her life. I've tried to just be there when she calls, but feel this is not enough for me. She can cope with this and try be friends or whatever cause her mind is somewhere else now. She calls when she needs something and I am beginning to feel used. So lastnight she called again and said where are you? I told her I was at the Pub I go to, cause her friends (mine as well) wanted to have a drink. As I know all the staff I get in without waiting in line and she knows this. She proceeded to say I thought I'd come up and meet you there. I couldn't help but feel she was only calling so she couldn't wait in line.

 

Anyway, she called at 11:00 and asked where I was? I said at home, she said o.k. I guess I won't come then. Then I lost it a little. I told her how I felt, what I was feeling etc...She says why are you upset and are raising your voice. I said I don't mean to, but I am frustrated, confused and fed up. I told her I understood what she was going through, but it seems she has time for everyone who doesn't matter and only time for me when she needs something. Regardless, I had to tell her how I felt. She said now is not the time to have this conversation, why don't we do lunch on Saturday?

 

So, here's my dilemna. I love her to death and miss her terribly, but at this point in the relationship I need more than maybe she can offer. Do I just say I will always love you , but I have to go on? or Do I continue to fight for the one I believe is my one true love?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice. Cause right now I'm lost.

[djones]

HEy JamVan,

 

I think what you should do is have lunch with her on Sat and tell her face to face how you are feeling and that you want more in this reltionship if she is not ready for that then tell her that maybe you guys should not talk to each otehr for a while untill she is ready, tell her that her calling you is hurting you and causing confusion...So when she is feeling better or wants to start up a realtionship (a full one) let her contact her....tell her that you cant just be freinds with her now, when you still have feelings for her still....its not fair for you to be in this limbo adn she has to undstand in a realtionship its all or nothing......you take the good and the bad....tell her you still love her and you understand that she is going through a lot and she needs to get better before you guys can be togther again and that maybe being apart for a while will help her and you.....just my 2 cents....good luck

[JamVan]

Thanks drjones, I think you're right. She asks me all the time, why does it have to be all or nothing? But you hit the nail on the head, I can't just be friends. My feelings haven't changed and she says hers haven't either, but she has to concentrate on her and getting better, which I totally understand, really I just want her to be happy again. She's afraid of us having complete space and me meeting someone, but I've told her my heart lies with you, why would I even consider dating someone else. I can't and wouldn't do that, especially not now, that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I just know how great we are together when things are going smooth and want to be there for her, but at the same time I need a full commitment and exactly how you put it "I can't sit in limbo"

[djones]

JamVan,

 

I am glad to help, just talk to her and see what she says....let me know what happens, I know its hard for you to be in limbo, I have been through that and am going through something like it again....I think in your case she still loves you just tell her to get better and you will be there for her when she is ready.......good luck

[JamVan]

We just had another blow out. She says she's tried to tell me she is living for her. I said I tried to tell her being friends or whatever it is called is just too hard on me. So I am just going to back off and give her somemore space, but I feel I'm getting to the end of my rope.

[djones]

Ok ---what did she say when you told her that? if you guys had a talk about it today, does she understand what you are feeling? ....I think then you dont have to meet her tommorow and that you should do NC and maybe she will understand as she is getting better...

[JamVan]

She hasn't got back to me yet, it was through email. She can't understand why I want it all or nothing, she doesn't get that. I hate to lose her, but maybe for awhile it's the best thing for me.

[djones]

Well make sure she knows how you feel before you start NC with her....I think she needs some time and she cant admitt to that....

[JamVan]

She has told me she needs time and space, and I was giving that to her knowing it would be best, but it's her who will call and say I really still need you in my life, but I can't give you all you want at the moment. But really, is it fair of her to basically say just stay there waiting and I'll come to you when I'm ready, but I want you there when I need you? Do you know what I mean?

[djones]

Yeah I understand what you mean...you may have to be firm with her, as much as its going to be hard on you it maybe the only way.....

[JamVan]

I think you're right and really don't see any other route. It is going to be hard but the thing that's in my head that I want to tell her is:

 

"I don't NEED to be with you, I want to be with you" and that I do and always will love her.

[djones]

just be firm and hang in there, you will be ok