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How does NC with OM seem so much worse than any other heartbreak I've experienced?

sadwithouthim

By sadwithouthim
in The Other Man / Woman

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sadwithouthim Established Member

sadwithouthim

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can't agree more - and further to this OP, you weren't in either relationship fully for the duration of your affair and now that it's ended. you should look inwardly and see what it is with you that makes you do this.

 

It wasn't only my issue, but yes I do have a lot of work to do on myself. I recognize this, and accept it. There was no love in the marriage at all, and it was a very toxic relationship. Only after EA does H want to bring love to the marriage. I guess we both have issues, and probably OM also. If I never get to be with OM, I'll always wish him the best and he'll be in my heart. We were also best friends.

aspiringuitarheroine Established Member

aspiringuitarheroine

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I think you are all correct. I will have to work myself up to doing so, and maybe save a couple things just to have some memory of all those years.

 

I think I am prolonging my misery, but I know he'd be crushed if I just blocked him out of the blue. Maybe I'll post something on G+ stating what NC really means before I do it, so he understands.

 

No. He understands, believe me. You don't need to tell him. The only communication you need to have with him is if you ever get divorced - then you can email him and day "Let's have crazy monkey sex!"

 

Or whatever.

 

You know why this is so hard? Because you still haven't broken up with him. You're still in the relationship, even though you're not speaking. You refuse to let him go, and refuse to leave your husband. So you either need to come to a decision - either you leave your husband (and seriously, I would) or you need to stop being so unfair and let him go properly.

 

Make a decision. Stop clinging to both. Your husband sounds like a tool. You kids will get over the divorce. Just... do something.

 

And if he's moving on, good for him. He deserves happiness. You could have it too, if you just made a decision.

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forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

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I really don't understand how you could be "in love" with someone you haven't met...You don't know how he smells, you don't know how he kisses, how he makes love...

And, honestly, do you think a single guy can ever commit to a LDR with a married women? He must be extremely silly, or you too naive, to think he was exclusive (if you ever thought that).

And now you're crying, looking at the planes, thinking he's hearthbroken, just like you...right!

 

I'm sorry, it's just too surreal. I think you desperately need someone who validates you, someone "imaginary", someone you can think about it, but not to feel guilty about it because you never were physical. This is free pain you're inflicting to yourself and to your family.

 

Instead of immersing in this fantasy, you need to focus in why are you doing this...I'm not judging you, I've been there too (mine was real, though)

 

Stop crying for him, he's having fun with some real girl. focus in your "real" problems, and don't escape from them.

LimeBlue Established Member

LimeBlue

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Yes, it's both of these things. It probably wouldn't matter because we both have a lot of different ways to contact each other. There are also 5,000 emails and chat logs in two different emails to which we both have access to. That is, I have 2 email accounts. He has more than that. We both have each other's passwords.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I know how hard this is for you. I have been there more than once myself, and I do not for a second want to imply otherwise. BUT why do you still have access to one anothers email? This would be the first thing I would have changed, is all of my passwords. I do not understand this part at all.

LimeBlue Established Member

LimeBlue

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Maybe I'll post something on G+ stating what NC really means before I do it, so he understands.

 

This concerns me somewhat. HE broke it off and decided on NC, yet you feel the need to explain to him what you are doing and why you are doing it. Even if you were the one who decided to initiate NC, that is still no reason to feel you have to explain to him why you are doing what you are doing (in this case blocking).

 

Also, throughout your posts, it sounds as if you are projecting YOUR thoughts and feelings onto him. You are giving this guy far too much airtime, and whilst I understand you are M and cannot leave for this single OM (I have been in the exact same position - me being M and had a PA with a single OM), and you blame yourself for his pain, you really do need to start projecting those thoughts and feelings onto yourself instead of onto him in order to be a better person at the end of it all. My single OM did the same, he broke it off and I was a mess for literally years. BUT I have grown an incredible amount from the experience and you can too eventually even though it does take time. However, not once did I ever feel the need to explain to my single OM what I was doing and why. Balls to that, hurt and pain and all the rest, you owe him nothing at the end of the day. It is a hard pill to swallow, hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, so please start turning your focus more towards yourself. Slowly but surely, you can do it. :)

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sadwithouthim Established Member

sadwithouthim

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Yes, I wonder if he thought I would beg him back, or if he hopes I will divorce. I'm just not sure what he's thinking. I feel like things are left so undone. It makes me angry, and even makes me think (in my anger) that I might not recontact even if I do divorce.

 

I think the anger is just that it's so painful. Earlier today, I was thinking to myself "wow, that was smart, I accomplished nothing but breaking both of our hearts (mine and OM)".

 

It's like I'm withdrawing from a drug. I was reading old emails today and just reading his writing "I love you", I can hear him say it in my head and it's a huge rush. This EA stuff is like heroin.

 

I'm angry that it doesn't feel any easier at day 37 NC, and it makes me want to write him an angry letter asking how he can move on so easily.

 

Then, I think it's crazy because I'm the one who started it all, and had nothing to give.

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aspiringuitarheroine Established Member

aspiringuitarheroine

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

I'm angry that it doesn't feel any easier at day 37 NC, and it makes me want to write him an angry letter asking how he can move on so easily.

 

Urgh!

 

That's it! I've had it!!

 

You want this to get easier? Stop reading his emails, stop reading everything he sent, stop stalking him on Google whatever.

 

It'll hurt at first, but that's because you don't know the first thing about NC. You will, though.

 

It is has hard as you make it. And right now, you're making it akin to bamboo sticks under your fingernails. Look, if you want him, then go after him. If you want to stay with you husband, then recommit to your marriage. But you're as much in the affair now, as you were at day zero when he ended it. The only difference is, now it's one-sided.

 

He has every right to move on. You offer him nothing. You offer him worse than nothing. And some other posters have made some good points - I've mooned over lovers and been desperately sad when it ended. But I had at least met them. I at least knew what they were like to kiss, and to touch, and what their morning breath smelt like. You have built this guy up in your head and I can promise you, the reality is never as good as the fantasy.

 

I am sympathetic, really, I am. But if you want this to get easier, you have to cut the cord. Piss or get off the pot. Stop lashing out at him, because he's done nothing wrong here. He's not the one who is married, YOU are.

 

Where you are right now, is not helping you. You are making excuses in your head to try and contact him and I can promise you, you are *this* close, to falling off the wagon. Don't do it.

 

Delete the emails. Delete the addresses. You don't need the 'memories', you already have them. Get a therapist. Get a hobby. Get a freakin' divorce. Just do something, because what you're doing right now, is not working. Change something about your circumstances, otherwise, this is going to get even uglier than it is.

 

Breaking it off accomplished everything it needed to. It set him free (because if you love someone, you set them free!) And it gave you a chance to work out what you want. Well, it would, if you let it.

 

You can't have both. You can have friendships outside of your marriage, but you can't have a relationship and be married as well. So pick one. Make a plan. Start seeing it through.

 

And he is sad. He is. It would be sucking the life out of him some days. Don't make his suffering worse by emailing him. If getting with another warm body as soon as possible helps him, then don't deny him that. You weren't willing to give him that, don't expect him to stop living just because you have put the brakes on your own life.

Edited by aspiringuitarheroine
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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

You are not in NC mode on all levels because you're rehashing your past with him and remembering. And that is keeping the feelings alive and active! You need to forget and let go. Stop reading his emails. If you are not ready yet to delete everything, put them all into one file folder called DO NOT READ EVER and then hide that folder in your email so you can't see it.

 

You must be pro active in your grieving and letting go. Hanging on just makes it worse and much harder.

 

If you can't handle this on your own, please go talk to a counselor so you can cope with this and heal well.

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sadwithouthim Established Member

sadwithouthim

Posted
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You are not in NC mode on all levels because you're rehashing your past with him and remembering. And that is keeping the feelings alive and active! You need to forget and let go. Stop reading his emails. If you are not ready yet to delete everything, put them all into one file folder called DO NOT READ EVER and then hide that folder in your email so you can't see it.

 

You must be pro active in your grieving and letting go. Hanging on just makes it worse and much harder.

 

If you can't handle this on your own, please go talk to a counselor so you can cope with this and heal well.

 

Yes, it might be a good idea to go to IC again. I did a couple years back. He kind of downplayed my EA, and I didn't like that. I'll find a different one.

findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

Posted
Posted
Urgh!

 

That's it! I've had it!!

 

You want this to get easier? Stop reading his emails, stop reading everything he sent, stop stalking him on Google whatever.

 

It'll hurt at first, but that's because you don't know the first thing about NC. You will, though.

 

It is has hard as you make it. And right now, you're making it akin to bamboo sticks under your fingernails. Look, if you want him, then go after him. If you want to stay with you husband, then recommit to your marriage. But you're as much in the affair now, as you were at day zero when he ended it. The only difference is, now it's one-sided.

 

He has every right to move on. You offer him nothing. You offer him worse than nothing. And some other posters have made some good points - I've mooned over lovers and been desperately sad when it ended. But I had at least met them. I at least knew what they were like to kiss, and to touch, and what their morning breath smelt like. You have built this guy up in your head and I can promise you, the reality is never as good as the fantasy.

 

I am sympathetic, really, I am. But if you want this to get easier, you have to cut the cord. Piss or get off the pot. Stop lashing out at him, because he's done nothing wrong here. He's not the one who is married, YOU are.

 

Where you are right now, is not helping you. You are making excuses in your head to try and contact him and I can promise you, you are *this* close, to falling off the wagon. Don't do it.

 

Delete the emails. Delete the addresses. You don't need the 'memories', you already have them. Get a therapist. Get a hobby. Get a freakin' divorce. Just do something, because what you're doing right now, is not working. Change something about your circumstances, otherwise, this is going to get even uglier than it is.

 

Breaking it off accomplished everything it needed to. It set him free (because if you love someone, you set them free!) And it gave you a chance to work out what you want. Well, it would, if you let it.

 

You can't have both. You can have friendships outside of your marriage, but you can't have a relationship and be married as well. So pick one. Make a plan. Start seeing it through.

 

And he is sad. He is. It would be sucking the life out of him some days. Don't make his suffering worse by emailing him. If getting with another warm body as soon as possible helps him, then don't deny him that. You weren't willing to give him that, don't expect him to stop living just because you have put the brakes on your own life.

 

Very wise words!!!

Pierre Established Member

Pierre

Posted
Posted
How does NC with OM seem so much worse than any other heartbreak I've experienced?

 

Ending an affair is much harder than ending a normal open relationship. The addiction to the romance of the affair is much greater and the relationship ends because of external forces. The relationship does not have a normal natural death like open relationships do.

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