How does NC with OM seem so much worse than any other heartbreak I've experienced?

[sadwithouthim]

Day 36 NC after 4 1/2 year EA and it still seems so fresh. Yes, I'm an impatient person, but I feel like I should be more past this by now. I feel a huge void without him. It literally feels like a great emptiness.

 

I also feel like I didn't say all that I should have said to OM before NC (his choice), and worry that he's also hurting this badly and has nobody to turn to.

 

I just don't remember a broken heart being this painful.

 

Do you think it makes a difference who initiates NC, or hurts just as bad either way?

Edited August 13, 2013 by sadwithouthim

[thecharade]

Because the relationship and love feel unfinished.

 

Because you don't want it to end.

 

Because you don't have hope for that new and better love right around the corner. You have your same ole, same ole M.

 

Because you need him, you don't just love him.

 

Because you know he loves and wants you, too.

 

 

 

it's just not the same as other break ups.

[sadwithouthim]

I wish I could contact him just to ask if the girl on his Google + is a rebound. I think I could move on easier if I felt like he's moved on, after feeling the jealousy of course.

[sadwithouthim]

He ended it because he didn't want to be a perpetual affair, and I was staying stagnant in deciding on my marriage. I kept him on the hook long enough.

 

I remember in our last conversation he said "C, it's not that I WANT to end this, I HAVE to". We both ended with I love you.

[Lillyfree]

Do you think it makes a difference who initiates NC, or hurts just as bad either way?

 

i'm the one that initiated NC and i was a mess for a while.

 

I wish I could contact him just to ask if the girl on his Google + is a rebound. I think I could move on easier if I felt like he's moved on, after feeling the jealousy of course.

 

you wouldn't feel better after contacting him.

respect him enough and leave him alone. what he's doing and who his contacts are has nothing to do with you anymore.

 

and why haven't you blocked him on G+ yet? looking at what he's doing isn't NC, and is the biggest reason why you're not moving on.

[canuckprincess]

Day 36 NC after 4 1/2 year EA and it still seems so fresh. Yes, I'm an impatient person, but I feel like I should be more past this by now. I feel a huge void without him. It literally feels like a great emptiness.

 

I also feel like I didn't say all that I should have said to OM before NC (his choice), and worry that he's also hurting this badly and has nobody to turn to.

 

I just don't remember a broken heart being this painful.

 

Do you think it makes a difference who initiates NC, or hurts just as bad either way?

 

I imagine it would hurt more if my mm decided on NC cause I think I would feel even more rejection then I already do. I also think it's a harder break up because you truly love the person. Is you om single? and if so why are you staying in your marriage if you want om so badly?

[sadwithouthim]

Yes, but I couldn't just block him without saying so first. I'd feel terrible because I worry so much that I've already hurt him tremendously. He should have suggested we do that, but he didn't, and I stalk him there and twitter. I even logged into his email, then realized there is a history and he would know that I had been in his email (it would say someone logged in from Ohio).

 

It's pathetic how hard this is. Did he really realize the depth of how hard it would be?

[sadwithouthim]

Yes, he's single. My H is begging me to stay. He knows we are NC now, and has begun to pull out all the stops. I just don't know if my heart will ever be in it, after all that's been done in the marriage and all the bad memories.

 

OM is in CA, and I want so badly to go there, even now. I keep fantasizing that he might show up here. I get sad when I see planes in the sky.

 

I just have to make the best decision for my 2 kids, and my daughter has big anger issues. It would be hard to move on.

[canuckprincess]

Yes, he's single. My H is begging me to stay. He knows we are NC now, and has begun to pull out all the stops. I just don't know if my heart will ever be in it, after all that's been done in the marriage and all the bad memories.

 

OM is in CA, and I want so badly to go there, even now. I keep fantasizing that he might show up here. I get sad when I see planes in the sky.

 

I just have to make the best decision for my 2 kids, and my daughter has big anger issues. It would be hard to move on.

 

 

This might seem like a strange question but have you ever met your om?

[sadwithouthim]

I've never met him in person. Everything is emails, phone conversations, sharing pics, intimacy, etc. over 4 1/2 years. It was all emotional, never physically intimate.

[Lillyfree]

Yes, but I couldn't just block him without saying so first. I'd feel terrible because I worry so much that I've already hurt him tremendously. He should have suggested we do that, but he didn't, and I stalk him there and twitter. I even logged into his email, then realized there is a history and he would know that I had been in his email (it would say someone logged in from Ohio).

 

It's pathetic how hard this is. Did he really realize the depth of how hard it would be?

 

he could have, he didn't. he might have forgotten to.

it might actually be easier for him now that it's over and he doesn't need to block you.

 

that all doesn't matter.

 

he's a grown up and he will heal his own way. what you're doing is detrimental to you firstly, then those around you as well.

i don't think you want to block him, you are keeping *some* connection going. so at least be honest with yourself and admit you're not doing it for him.

[sadwithouthim]

We talked about him coming here. We even talked about meeting halfway. He asked if I would be able to look at my kids with a clear conscience after a night with him. We were also scared of all the other risks. He said he wouldn't want me to leave him to go home.

[sadwithouthim]

he could have, he didn't. he might have forgotten to.

it might actually be easier for him now that it's over and he doesn't need to block you.

 

that all doesn't matter.

 

he's a grown up and he will heal his own way. what you're doing is detrimental to you firstly, then those around you as well.

i don't think you want to block him, you are keeping *some* connection going. so at least be honest with yourself and admit you're not doing it for him.

 

Yes, it's both of these things. It probably wouldn't matter because we both have a lot of different ways to contact each other. There are also 5,000 emails and chat logs in two different emails to which we both have access to. That is, I have 2 email accounts. He has more than that. We both have each other's passwords.

Edited August 13, 2013 by sadwithouthim

[sadwithouthim]

In order to make it completely NC, I'd basically have to erase every trace of those 4 1/2 years.

[Lillyfree]

there's so much i can say here - and i might do once i get home (at work at the moment). so will come back to this thread.

 

one question i do need to ask - what do you want?

[whichwayisup]

I wish I could contact him just to ask if the girl on his Google + is a rebound. I think I could move on easier if I felt like he's moved on, after feeling the jealousy of course.

 

You are married and he chose to end it because he did not want to be second fiddle to your husband and marriage. Please do not reach out to him, he's doing his best to move on. It's none of your business if that woman on his google plus is his new gf, or a rebound.

 

He ended it because he didn't want to be a perpetual affair, and I was staying stagnant in deciding on my marriage. I kept him on the hook long enough.

 

I remember in our last conversation he said "C, it's not that I WANT to end this, I HAVE to". We both ended with I love you.

 

Put yourself in his shoes, he ended it, told you he loved you but had to end it. That's pretty good closure there...

 

Anything you need to say, write a letter but only for theraputic reasons. Do it microsoft word or some other word program, not in an email draft.

 

Respect his wishes about NC. He chose to end the A because you chose to stay married. It really is that simple.

[Lillyfree]

In order to make it completely NC, I'd basically have to erase every trace of those 4 1/2 years.

 

that is correct.

 

anything that's still connecting you to him has to be deleted, blocked, thrown out.

 

because you're obviously still carrying on the A.

[aspiringuitarheroine]

I wish I could contact him just to ask if the girl on his Google + is a rebound. I think I could move on easier if I felt like he's moved on, after feeling the jealousy of course.

 

You are not NC if you are looking at his social media! That's why it's so hard to move on, because you're not!

 

Delete ALL access to social media. You've already wasted a month in faux NC, time to do the real thing.

 

Delete, delete, delete. You are only hurting yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, but I couldn't just block him without saying so first. I'd feel terrible because I worry so much that I've already hurt him tremendously. He should have suggested we do that, but he didn't, and I stalk him there and twitter. I even logged into his email, then realized there is a history and he would know that I had been in his email (it would say someone logged in from Ohio).

 

It's pathetic how hard this is. Did he really realize the depth of how hard it would be?

 

Stop stalking him on twitter and do stop going into his email. That's just wrong and it serves no purpose.

 

Yes of course he knows how hard it would be but he chose what was best for him and put himself first. Good for him. Sorry if that stings to read but again, he is the single one who wanted more from you and you couldn't make any commitment to him due to the fact you have a husband. He did not want an A anymore, didn't want to be the OM so he ended it. I'm sure it was painful as hell for him and i bet he's still hurting and doing his best to grieve and move on with his life. If you truly respect and care for him, want what is best for him, leave him alone and wish him well, wish him happiness with someone else.

[aspiringuitarheroine]

In order to make it completely NC, I'd basically have to erase every trace of those 4 1/2 years.

 

Yep. That's the hard work that you're refusing to do. No wonder you're miserable.

[sadwithouthim]

I think you are all correct. I will have to work myself up to doing so, and maybe save a couple things just to have some memory of all those years.

 

I think I am prolonging my misery, but I know he'd be crushed if I just blocked him out of the blue. Maybe I'll post something on G+ stating what NC really means before I do it, so he understands.

[sadwithouthim]

there's so much i can say here - and i might do once i get home (at work at the moment). so will come back to this thread.

 

one question i do need to ask - what do you want?

 

I want to get past the pain, and decide what to do with my marriage once and for all. It will either be good (to which he says he's all in on), or we will get it done. Still, my heart would never feel for my H the extreme high and love OM gave me.

Edited August 13, 2013 by sadwithouthim

[whichwayisup]

I think you are all correct. I will have to work myself up to doing so, and maybe save a couple things just to have some memory of all those years.

 

I think I am prolonging my misery, but I know he'd be crushed if I just blocked him out of the blue. Maybe I'll post something on G+ stating what NC really means before I do it, so he understands.

 

Why would he be crushed if you two are in NC mode and the A is over and he's moved on? HE ended it. You do not have to explain NC to him as he is well aware of what it means.

 

He isn't a part of your life anymore online and it seems this is your issue now not his.

[whichwayisup]

I want to get past the pain, and decide what to do with my marriage once and for all. It will either be good (to which he says he's all in on), or we will get it done. Still, my heart would never feel for my H the extreme high and love OM gave me.

 

Then you need to cut OM completely out of your life and know that much of what you feel is based on an affair that happened online, your mind and heart filled in the blanks, you saw what you wanted to see in him, much fantasy happened even if it felt real. Not saying it was fake but what it all is/was based on.

 

Your marriage is stale and boring and will be that way because you can't let go of the ego feed/rush that OM made you feel.

[Lillyfree]

Then you need to cut OM completely out of your life and know that much of what you feel is based on an affair that happened online, your mind and heart filled in the blanks, you saw what you wanted to see in him, much fantasy happened even if it felt real. Not saying it was fake but what it all is/was based on.

 

Your marriage is stale and boring and will be that way because you can't let go of the ego feed/rush that OM made you feel.

 

can't agree more - and further to this OP, you weren't in either relationship fully for the duration of your affair and now that it's ended. you should look inwardly and see what it is with you that makes you do this.