I feel guilty about wanting to be with other women post BU?

[templeofmax]

So here is the abbreviated story. My ex and I broke a 2.5 year relationship over too much fighting and disrespect. Both of us were to blame. She is insecure and her issues were really driving me nuts sometimes, so she broke it off over rage at me communicating with her family that we were taking a break (mostly out of impulse). Anyhow, its been 4 months (almost 8 weeks of me not reaching out, cause she was ignoring anyway), but I still have hope cause the love was there and I know she is working on herself and I am doing the same, so I hope to fight for her when the time is right. HOWEVER, what she liked about me was that, despite her trust issues, I was always very honest and loyal to her, and I would never cheat on her and I am not the ladies man or a player.

 

My point is, however, as a human being, I have needs, and although am not looking for anyone serious of course since I still love her and have hope, I do miss some female companionship, some casual type of deal, no strings attached. After all, without her communicating, right now we are done. She is traveling in South America with her cousins, while I already cried, lost weight, got depressed, the works, although NC has helped. So she seems to be having a good time and I couldn't even make a business trip to Vegas without seeing all the couples around and feeling like ****. I know, though, that if I hooked up with anybody, and get to talk to my ex, I couldn't hide it. If it was a more secure person, we ARE broken up, and SHE did it, so I can do whatever I want. But with her, I couldn't deal with the guilt or she knowing I slept around while I told her in one of my texts that I would take time to work on myself while respecting her space (no reply of course). And no, I couldn't lie to her or hide something like this. Sometimes I am too honest for my own good.

 

The idea of NC is not only for me, but to respect her and since I have always been there, maybe not being there is what really makes her think about this whole situation and wonder where I went and if she still has feelings, which I guess she does, that could open up a possibility. BUT, why do I need to feel guilty about living my life however I please when she has been unresponsive so far and she broke it off through a 2-line email? Even if I met other women for intimacy, why do I have to feel guilty? We already went through a 2-month break, and after we came back together she did ask if I kissed anybody. I did not, but if I had, I still wouldn't hear the end of it. She is the one with the insecurities, so I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.

Edited August 13, 2013 by templeofmax

[reddragon588]

You're not ready to see other women in that light yet. It will happen eventually. Just keep working on yourself, and eventually you will be ready.

[templeofmax]

Yes, but even if I am, I know I would feel guilty, UNLESS I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that things are DONE as in no rekindling anything.

[SadnessMadness]

Yes, but even if I am, I know I would feel guilty, UNLESS I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that things are DONE as in no rekindling anything.

 

Same dilemma i am in. My ex always left hints about returning and i feel like if i move on, then that won't be able to happen.

[OzHeartache]

Same dilemma i am in. My ex always left hints about returning and i feel like if i move on, then that won't be able to happen.

 

That is what we call a "breadcrumb", don't fall for it, move on for yourself, you are being held to ransom, its hard I know but accepting its over is the first and hardest part but you will get there, ive been there and am now right back there again lol...... but that's life, its crap sometimes but we have to keep going

[templeofmax]

Same dilemma i am in. My ex always left hints about returning and i feel like if i move on, then that won't be able to happen.

 

What hints are those?

[lovelorcet]

She left and she is ignoring you... There is a good chance she is playing the field down in South America. The way you explain things you sound like a doormat... Stop being one...

[templeofmax]

I know what you are saying, but in this case, I don't really think she is doing that. She is just not the type, I would know. She still has our pics on her FB. Plus, judging by her 'everything is dandy' posts and pictures, I know she still hurts over everything. I know her. However, as far as being a doormat, it may be. However, what if she is taking my word about needing some time to change myself, which I have done, but I also go and sleep around? Its so weird, like I feel I need to be loyal to her still because I still love her. Its like, she knows I am honest and loyal and that is my strong point to be able to try again a little later or even if NC also works for her to reflect upon everything. So that is why I feel I need to keep being loyal for now, only until knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that things are over for good. Of course I cannot wait forever, but right now it feels wrong, even though I have the right to go meet other girls now that I am single.

[reddragon588]

I know what you are saying, but in this case, I don't really think she is doing that. She is just not the type, I would know. She still has our pics on her FB.

 

My ex still has pictures of us on her FB, and I know for a fact she is playing the field.

 

And I bet you didn't think she was the type to break up with you too? Our exes are changed, they aren't the same people we knew. It sucks, but we have to accept it.

[Ireallydontknow]

Dude, quit checking your exes facebook. It's over, move on. It's so crappy I know. I'm on my 4th day of the break up. I keep thinking of the day she comes crawling back, so I can tell I can't. I can't because here I am, hurting, I don't sleep, I barely eat, going though so much pain.

 

Everyone I talk to says by the time you get that chance, you won't even care. GO NC, QUIT CHECKING HER FACEBOOK, MOVE ON.

[SadnessMadness]

What hints are those?

 

After she broke up she said one day we will find each other again and that she will call and say "Babe, i'm coming home". Basically saying i want to ho around and then when i'm ready i will settle back down with you...

[reddragon588]

It's a bit funny to me now that I posted on this topic. I hooked up with a other girl last night, and while I was hooking up with her and after, I only thought about my ex. Today, it makes me miss my ex more. i almost feel guilty. It makes me wonder if she's doing the same thing I'm doing, and even though I'm doing it, it hurts me to think she might be doing the same and is in someone else's arms right now. I know that she is playing the field and it hurts me. As great as it can be, love sure sucks sometimes.

[JDPT]

It's a bit funny to me now that I posted on this topic. I hooked up with a other girl last night, and while I was hooking up with her and after, I only thought about my ex. Today, it makes me miss my ex more. i almost feel guilty. It makes me wonder if she's doing the same thing I'm doing, and even though I'm doing it, it hurts me to think she might be doing the same and is in someone else's arms right now. I know that she is playing the field and it hurts me. As great as it can be, love sure sucks sometimes.

 

Very interesting you mention this. I slept with a 24 year old a few nights ago and oh was she gorgeous, way better body than my ex but I didn't care for that as much, I mainly liked her playful demeanor. I only thought about my ex once when I was in bed with this girl. I used to torture myself thinking about what my ex was or wasn't doing on her private time. I used to formulate fictitious scenarios in my head picturing her doing the same things she did with my in intimacy but no with someone else and that used to hurt to the core. Now, I have those thoughts every now and then but the feeling has shifted. I get a bit irritated perhaps angry and then get over it in a few minutes. Reality is we have been broken up for roughly 3 months now and she has probably slept or will sleep with someone in the near future and is there anything I can do about it? absolutely not. All I know is that someone else will enjoy her in bed just like I have in the past plenty of times. She is a beautiful girl and I'm not just saying that because I loved her, sometimes I used to wonder what she saw in my (not that I'm not good looking) but what I'm trying to say is that I'm positive she has absolutely not problem with guys hitting on her, she used to have guys hit on her all the time and used to say to me "ugh, what are these idiots thinking!!" it was funny. I felt so confident and secure that she was mine and only mine but as you can see nothing is guaranteed in life only death and taxes. Don't torture yourself with these thoughts, reroute your thoughts and what worked for me is accepting that she will sleep with someone and that will be just fine.