the final chapter. any opinions welcome!!

[costablanca]

hi people. id really appreciate some imput from u guys please. help me get my head round the final chapter!!

 

not posted for a while. so heres a quick recap. my ex dumped me six months ago saying he didnt love me anymore.( 7 years).

i left for england (we lived in spain). twice he has contacted me during the 6 months and promised me the world(even asked me to marry him) only to break my heart again. last month i finally built up enough courage to fly over and get my stuff. he left some keys with the friend i was staying with and my intensions were to have no contact.

 

KNIFE IN THE HEART No 1. the first night, at a party, i was told by a rather drunk friend/neighbor that during august he had a blond girl there for a week. i got very upset because august was the month we were supposed to getting back together with promises of marriage. i asked her if she was sure. she said yes. and many of the people at the party confirmed her story. my neighbor on the other side said it got pretty noisy. when i asked what she meant, she said put it this way, HE HAD A GOOD TIME!!

 

KNIFE No 2. the next day while he was at work i decided to get my stuff. what i came across really hurt. condoms, drugs, sex toys, other womens pants, invitatoins to sex partys, porn videos. what the f**k!! i quickly got what i wanted into my friends house, left the keys and slammed the door.

 

that evening he came to see me. we got quiet drunk. i asked him how he was. he got very emotional telling me although he was right to breakup, hes so low, misses me, still needs me in his life, how sorry he was, and how he didnt think he would ever get over it. i was as cool as ice. on leaving he asked me for one last hug. we hugged for a while and then i broke away cause he was obviously getting turned on. at this point i got so angry, i really let him have it. everything id wanted to say face to face for the last six months!! i was vile!!

 

KNIFE No 3. the next day i felt so guilty i went round to apologise. right in my face on the hall table........ THREE PHOTOS OF A BLOND GIRL!! CARDS FROM HER PINNED TO THE BOARD, LOVE LETTERS AND MORE PHOTOS ON HIS BEDSIDE TABLE!! WHAT!!!!!!

i was devastated. hurt like hell but i didnt show it. instead i very carefully got to know all there was to know and said goodbye. that was a month ago and we havent spoken since.

turns out shes dutch and shes plans to move over to spain in january. she bying a house and starts work in january.

shes leaving her husband behind of ten years. he is unaware of his wifes plans. she is totally in love with my ex. talking of forever after only one week together. he said they have a good bond. their in similar situations, their both nurses, they understand eachother and talk alot. she makes him happy.

 

i dont want him back. i really dont. but i so dont want him to be with someone else just yet!!

so heres somes facts to consider after six months and all thats happened....

he still wears his ring.

my tooth brush is still in the holder and my dressing gown on the back of the bathroom door.

hes very depressed.

he misses me.

the good times haunt him still (his words).

says he thinks he will never be happy again.

he begged for contact.

hasnt got the heart to throw my stuff out.

says hes not in love with this girl but he feels good around her.

says hes not ready for something new but hes gonna see how it goes.

sexually, he has problems with her

he got arroused when we hugged (YES!!! RESULT!!)

 

if youve got this far (yawn) please give me your thoughts. i so want to get over this final hurdle.

thanx for reading. love and happiness to you all. tracy. xxxxxxx

[EnigmaXOXO]

The smartest thing you can do is to leave the person who walked out on you with the final image of someone who was at their best. Let his last memory of you be one of confidence, grace, stability and understanding - all those BEST parts of you which he will always remember with fondness. Don't allow him to remember you as someone who was reduced to a clinging, jealous, angry, resentful, desperate, pleading doormat. If he knows your heart is still wrapped around his finger, and he could have you back at a moments notice, than you aren't really gone and he hasn't lost anything of any real value - has he?

 

No contact. No friendship. No pre-planned "accidental" meetings among mutual friends (aka: parties). You must vanish completely from his life or he will never have the opportunity really "miss" you. Let him wonder what you're doing, where you've gone, if and how you're getting on without him. His imagination and curiosity will do the rest.

 

This computer fantasy with the married blond won't last. Quite frankly, your ex-boyfriend is pretty screwed up and isn't capable of sustaining any kind of relationship which involves longevity or any real substance. If she does leave her husband to be with your ex (and it's a BIG "if") the superficial infatuation will wear off and he'll start to see the warts on his new lover's face. The memory of you (if it’s a good one) will suddenly seem more appealing than his new reality. Not to mention this woman will be bringing in a whole new set of baggage and issues of her own - mainly, a pissed off husband once he becomes aware of your ex's involvement with his wife. It's going to get real ugly, and believe me, you won't want to be anywhere around to catch the stink, nor do you want your memory to be mixed up in all this mess. Keep your nose and your hands clean!

 

It's also my hope that by maintaining your distance, you will come out of your fog and realize this guy is not the prize you seem to think he is. You are worthy of so much more. With any luck, once this new relationship runs its course and he tries to contact you again (and he will if you maintain your NC) that you will have gotten him out of your system and will have already moved on to bigger and better things.

[costablanca]

thanx inigma. really good advice.

 

on you first point, i did exactly what you said. when i left for england, i smiled,wished him well and walked away with grace. infact from day one i have never once contacted him, lost control, never begged, for him to take me back. pride wouldnt let me.

 

as for the no contact, well thats just what ive done from the start. its him whos kept coming back into my life.

if that happens again......what do i do? i dont want him back, but does that warrant ignoring him,

especially if things go wrong with the blonde, which i truly hope they do, selfishly for my sake cause it will hurt so much if the actually make a go of it.

 

and in a stupid way, thanx for reconfirming that my ex is too screwed up for this new relationship to come to anything. again this is not because i want him back, (he really isnt that much of a prize anymore) its just after everything hes put me through, this is the last thing i needed, well at least not right now.

 

ps.....my list of facts was not a list of reasons why he might still be in love with me cause frankly i dont care about that........it was a list of reasons why i thought he cant possibly be ready for a new relationship???

 

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[daphne]

I don't think I could have put it any better than enigma. This guy slightly reminds me of my ex. He is not capable of building a real, healthy relationship. he's too messed up and doesn't know what he wants. he has done you a HUGE favor. Now this new girl is going to have to deal with his problems. Meanwhile, I'd say if he contacts you do not talk to him. Run very far away. Give yourself a long time to heal and by the time you're ready to ever talk to him again (if you want to at that point) you won't care what happened and you'll be grateful that he did the things he did. Because he's no longer your problem.

 

Just remind yourself that healthy lasting relationships do not look like this. I've personally never seen anything last that looks like this. Go date some gorgeous Spanish guys. Don't look back.

 

btw, love the navajo saying enigma. No truer words have been spoken when it refers to certain exes. especially the emotionally unstable ones.