Dundas Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) First love lasted 2.5 years and it was a pretty good one, too. But 4 months ago she left me for another guy. I was hurt, angry and kept trying to call her for about a week and then went limited contact... we worked together, she relieves my shift once a week - she comes in, I leave. That's how it was anyway. I would go complete no contact, then every time I saw her at work I would immediately try to text her and call her after leaving. It was just too much having to run into her when everything was still so fresh and not being able to talk to her. After a dramatic 1-2 months after the breakup, she took time off and I had to go an entire month without seeing her or talking to her. Once she got back, things cooled down to the point that in the past month, we've begun talking a lot at work. I normally stay over for 1-2 hours past my shift when she comes in (we work alone) just to talk as friends. Most of the bad feelings are gone, so I'm glad we can get along and talk like we used to... maybe it's not the same, but I've moved on a lot, emotionally anyway. I think it has brought me a lot of closure. If I had cut contact completely, I wouldn't have gotten all the answers I needed, I would have kept resenting her. Instead, she's regained a lot of my trust and respect. It's also given me a chance to see how I still feel about her. I do still care about her and I'll always have some feelings for her, but it's just not the same and I now see she isn't as compatible with me as I once thought. Call me crazy, but I've even loaned her money... and she's saved my @$$ a few times with mistakes I've made at work... had we been on bad terms, she easily could have gotten me fired if she was rude enough. Having to work with her has made me realize that she's still the same girl I've known for so long, and she's not a horrible person, despite what she did to me. I'm still single, but I'm now happy being single and I no longer want her back. I'm ready to move on. Do you think keeping some level of friendship with an ex is a good way to get rid of whatever negative feelings you have towards each other and gain closure, if enough time has passed? Edited August 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
tooslowatlove Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 It depends on who the ex is (and you are). I'm very good friends with one ex-girlfriend - she even gave me her honest opinion about her successor. I took it with a grain of salt, but she was dead right in her take on the new woman. We talk and text once or twice a week. There's no longer any romantic spark between us, but she's important to me nonetheless. But we started out as friends, so the eventual reconciliation was a return to our original status, rather than something new. My latest ex, I don't see that happening. Even if I thought she could move past the issues that forced me to break up with her, I'm not sure I'd be able to be "just friends" with her. We were engaged when I had to end it. While I want her to move on, find someone and be happy, it would hurt way too much to watch it happen.
Author Dundas Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 I guess it would depend on the situation. Everyone says not to be friends with your ex, but I'm more than happy being friends with her even though she broke my heart in the worst possible way. We're not friends at all outside of work. If we didn't work together, I'd probably completely go separate ways... I'm glad it doesn't have to be that way. We didn't start out as friends, but we were always best friends more than anything, even with all the time we were together. I don't have anyone else to compare her to, so maybe one day I'll have a different ex I'll want nothing to do with.
Carenth Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 For me. No benefits what so ever. That is why I'm not friends with any of my exes. 4
Sugarkane Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 In theory it sounds nice but most dumpers seem to be pretty callous and tactless on here. Or maybe I'm just cynical. How do you do it without being called desperate and needy by the dumper? I've dated some real Aholes and never seem to regret what they did. It seems exes only care about being friends if you have mutual friends?
Sugarkane Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I guess it seems dumpers don't care about being friends because they're usually moved on and currently trying to get into someone else's pants. So any effort into being friends is always anger on their part. They only seem to find a benefit if they can use you for sex. 1
Misfortune Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 For me. No benefits what so ever. That is why I'm not friends with any of my exes. This and, I also agree with Sugarkane. It's just a lot of ego boosting and nothing to do with your well being really. Different strokes for different folks. Some people can do it and others can't. I don't see what benefits I can get from being their friend that I can't get from a regular friend or a best friend. 1
reddragon588 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 There are several benefits: -You get to be there while they conduct the search to replace you (whether with one or many) -You get to continue to hold onto the pain and hurt they caused whenever you see them or hear from them -You get to take a much longer time to move on -Eventually, you get to meet their new significant other -You get to hear about their relationship with their new significant other 2
Simon Phoenix Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 It's a terrible idea if you still feel something for them romantically. Just unnecessary torture. After that, it depends. I've remained friendly with most of my exes, but there are a couple that I never reconciled with in any friendly way. I'm sort of debating this with the ex that brought me here. I'm pretty much over everything (ex was a bit of a forced dumper) and had been in contact with her over a few months, finally asking to see if she wanted to go to lunch (as friends but open to anything). She said she missed me and wanted to see me as friends, then started going off on the circumstances of our break last summer, showing she clearly had some unresolved crapola going on, then went into a shell after I addressed her concerns. If she had just left it as "meeting as friends", that would have been fine, but the other stuff was a bit excessive. At this point, I could be friends with her (her latest little rant/following passive-aggressive episode pretty much turned me off to romantic reconciliation), but now, I kind of wonder if there's a point. I mean, how can we be friends if she can't let go and move forward from what happened before? There'd be a cloud hanging over us and that's a sh*tty foundation for a friendship. Maybe in time it'd be possible, but by then I doubt I'll really care enough to make the effort.
JDPT Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 There are several benefits: -You get to be there while they conduct the search to replace you (whether with one or many) -You get to continue to hold onto the pain and hurt they caused whenever you see them or hear from them -You get to take a much longer time to move on -Eventually, you get to meet their new significant other -You get to hear about their relationship with their new significant other I fully agree. I personally don't see any benefit whatsoever. It only prolongs the inevitable no leaving any room for personal growth. I don't think I would be able to be friends with any of my exes it's virtually impossible at least for me. 1
cavalier99 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) My ex gets me deeply discounted nice hotel rooms (like practically free!) thru her work when i need them for going out of town with my new girlfriend! Huge benefit! Rock on! Cav Edited August 14, 2013 by cavalier99
Kant Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I am know every one is right. But honestly the friendship that I have with my ex, limited as it is, is the only thing that keeps me sane some days. I am working on coming to a places wear I will be ok with him moving on, I come along way. I can accept that he will be happy and in love with another woman and it's only a matter of time. I know rationally that one day I will be the same. But a life with out his idea's and conversation, it's just too bleak. We did NC for over 6 months, I have never felt so unstable and broken as I did in that time. We only talk online and never about 'us' or the past, in fact none of it is even remotely sexual or romantic. Our conversations make me feel stable, happy and more connected to the world.
cavalier99 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 There are several benefits: -You get to be there while they conduct the search to replace you (whether with one or many) -You get to continue to hold onto the pain and hurt they caused whenever you see them or hear from them -You get to take a much longer time to move on -Eventually, you get to meet their new significant other -You get to hear about their relationship with their new significant other Your right. All of the above sucks when your not over them. So there is absolutey no benefit to being in contact while still.emotional and not 110 percent indifferent. However once your completly over them I have found it is quite easy to remain on good terms with an ex. Discuss relationships. Get advise. Ecetera. It really isnt a big deal at all. You just need to go NC for like a year just to be safe and make sure your really over it! Cav
cavalier99 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I am know every one is right. But honestly the friendship that I have with my ex, limited as it is, is the only thing that keeps me sane some days. I am working on coming to a places wear I will be ok with him moving on, I come along way. I can accept that he will be happy and in love with another woman and it's only a matter of time. I know rationally that one day I will be the same. But a life with out his idea's and conversation, it's just too bleak. We did NC for over 6 months, I have never felt so unstable and broken as I did in that time. We only talk online and never about 'us' or the past, in fact none of it is even remotely sexual or romantic. Our conversations make me feel stable, happy and more connected to the world. Sounds like your still way too dependent on this person. Id say back to NC for you! Cav 1
Talulah Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Not everything has to be black and white. Some people are not worth being friends with because they are petty, jealous, or controlling. But I know that after much time has passed, some people can become friends. If you dated someone who you were good friends with and they want to have you in their lives (you were good friends) then why not be in their lives. I know of a man who was married for a while, had two kids, but he just could not be in a relationship or married, it just wasn't in his nature. He is very good friends with his ex wife, who remarried. He is happy just being alone. He is in his 40's. And his daughters love him. It's different if there was cheating, lying, et cetera. But if your ex was a good friend, then why end that friendship?
Simon Phoenix Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I am know every one is right. But honestly the friendship that I have with my ex, limited as it is, is the only thing that keeps me sane some days. I am working on coming to a places wear I will be ok with him moving on, I come along way. I can accept that he will be happy and in love with another woman and it's only a matter of time. I know rationally that one day I will be the same. But a life with out his idea's and conversation, it's just too bleak. We did NC for over 6 months, I have never felt so unstable and broken as I did in that time. We only talk online and never about 'us' or the past, in fact none of it is even remotely sexual or romantic. Our conversations make me feel stable, happy and more connected to the world. This sounds really unhealthy. You really need to get out and meet new people or find a new hobby or something. 2
Still Searching Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Aside from my first love/ex, I don't care to see or speak to any of the others. Being my first, I think I'll always have a soft spot for her, and if we run into each other, we'll talk a bit. The others came into my life as love-interests right away. I've only ever known them as girlfriends, and that's all I choose for them to ever be/have been to me. I have no hard feelings towards the previous ex, and though she asked me to dinner as friends to catch up, I declined. Just didn't feel the need to see her, and I guess just don't care what she's up to. The latest ex was a narcisstic, manipulative child, and there is no desire at all to ever speak to her again, period. I do find that a lot of times, the dumper comes back wanting to be friends, or relieve some guilt, and if the dumpee isn't over that person, they may accept the offer of friendship in hopes of it becoming more again. If two people choose to be friends, and it works for them, great. Usually by the time I hear from an ex, I'm completely indifferent and it's as if they're total strangers.
CarrieT Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Only when all the negative feelings have passed, can there be a friendship. Only when all the potential feelings of desire have passed, can there be a friendship. I am very fortunate to be friends with most of my Ex's - but those friendships didn't occur immediately after the break-up. Time, space, and growth had to occur for both of us to become two different people who could come back together with the commonality of our time spent together as the bond. And -- gloatingly for me -- my boyfriend of twenty years ago was over just last evening, having dinner with my fiance and I, helping us work on an antique British car restoration. It was the first time they had met and it went swimmingly. I see this particular Ex once every three or four years and he has a particular, arcane knowledge when it comes to working on British cars from the 60s. My fiance bought me one for my birthday and we needed help getting it running, so I called my Ex and a delightful evening was had by all!
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