are we over for good? or is there a chance he will change his mind?

[jenn78]

Its been almost two months since my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. It was a very long and drawn out break up.. we talked for two weeks to see if we could try again but something was holding him back. The reason he broke up with me was because he said i was too quiet/shy around his friends/fam and it seemed like i couldn't hold a conversation with them. I didn't feel very welcomed by some of his friends so i shut down. Yes I am shy person but it is something i am working on. I open up once i get comfortable around people. Since the break up i have already tried improving on this as it is something I wanted to work on before i entered this relationship. In addition, he said that i didn't ask him enough questions in our conversations so he felt like he was doing all the talking. Again something I can work on. It frustrates me because he won't give me another chance when i gave him a chance at an earlier point in our relationship. He takes this as we aren't mean't to be together and i'm not right for him. I don't know if its my head/heart playing games with me because i feel like we still have a chance. We got along great, had great chemistry.. he was my best friend. He and I both are very picky people when it comes to who we date.. this was both our first serious relationship. Maybe he will realize that he did have it great... (GIGS?) He figures breaking up now is better than a crappy cycle of getting back together and breaking up... but how does he know that will happen... So what do you guys think? do you think sometime in the future he may come around or is it over?

 

sidenote: I have been moving on in a sense but this feeling is still nagging me. I hangout with my friends more, go out, exercise and do activities for myself.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he just wanted out and was looking for reasons to end it rather than working on it.

 

Nothing drastic happened that forced his hand here. He seemed to have lost the spark and interest, and ended things in the least guilty way possible... pinned it on you and wiped his hands clean.

[jenn78]

Yeah i am starting to see that more and more now. ugh.

[Misfortune]

Sounds like he just wanted out and was looking for reasons to end it rather than working on it.

 

Nothing drastic happened that forced his hand here. He seemed to have lost the spark and interest, and ended things in the least guilty way possible... pinned it on you and wiped his hands clean.

 

They're skilled in the art of manipulation.

[lylat333]

I agree that ending the relationship because of your "shyness" sounds like a cop-out. It sounds like the problem lies within his friends and family, not you. Hard not to come off as awkward if the people you are with aren't welcoming.

 

I'd be concerned he already has his eye one someone else. If a person is in a decent enough relationship and there is no backup or better option... the relationship usually continues to drag along. Then when they see something they think might be better, they jump ship.

 

If you are still in contact with him, you could try and press him on some things if you want to know the truth and especially if you aren't particularly interested in trying to salvage the relationship. But he may or may not give the truth. Since he already seems to be detaching emotionally, don't fight to win him back in this kind of situation as it won't work and will shift all the power over to him.

[jenn78]

@lylat333

 

I know he isn't interested in someone else... he says a relationship is not what he is looking for right now.. i think i could have worked on the being shy/asking him more questions but he didn't want to be patient. I have asked him a lot of questions he is sticking with we aren't meant to be and he cant be in a relationship he didnt fully want to be in. I think part of it is he is freaking out about finishing college and not knowing what his next step is and we took our relationship a bit too seriously which he says ruined some of the fun (we were both guilty of planning too far ahead) or he got tired of monogamy but i doubt that part because we had great physical chemistry on top of a deep emotional connection. He thinks this decision "is best for him"... the part that i go back to is that he doesn't really know what he wants and maybe in a few months he will come back... but i'm probably being dumb. I am doing things to help me move on... go out with friends, talk to other guys, plan dates etc. but obviously I miss him. He is detaching emotionally... we already had a fight last week but made up so i'm giving him space/NC. He believes no contact is better than the alternative of him texting me whenever he misses me/is lonely or drunk and he thinks its better to not check up on me and breaking up is better than a cycle of getting back together and breaking up..

[Jbmouth91]

@lylat333

 

I know he isn't interested in someone else... he says a relationship is not what he is looking for right now.. i think i could have worked on the being shy/asking him more questions but he didn't want to be patient. I have asked him a lot of questions he is sticking with we aren't meant to be and he cant be in a relationship he didnt fully want to be in. I think part of it is he is freaking out about finishing college and not knowing what his next step is and we took our relationship a bit too seriously which he says ruined some of the fun (we were both guilty of planning too far ahead) or he got tired of monogamy but i doubt that part because we had great physical chemistry on top of a deep emotional connection. He thinks this decision "is best for him"... the part that i go back to is that he doesn't really know what he wants and maybe in a few months he will come back... but i'm probably being dumb. I am doing things to help me move on... go out with friends, talk to other guys, plan dates etc. but obviously I miss him. He is detaching emotionally... we already had a fight last week but made up so i'm giving him space/NC. He believes no contact is better than the alternative of him texting me whenever he misses me/is lonely or drunk and he thinks its better to not check up on me and breaking up is better than a cycle of getting back together and breaking up..

 

 

My ex girlfriend said the exact same thing about not wanting a relationship to figure things out for her future like college etc. She also said she wasn't interested in anyone else either but 2 months after breaking up she's in a new relationship and so everything she told me was a complete lie. she was obviously waiting for the new guy or she wanted to have some time to get over the break up to start afresh with this new guy. She tried to put so much blame on me when I did nothing wrong whatsoever, to clean her conscience of guilt! She also said I was so 'perfect' and she probably wouldn't meet another guy like me again to make me feel better and cried saying because she 'cared' but really it was because she knew what she was doing was wrong; in the way that having feelings for someone else in a relationship was against everything she said before. Never believe what they say! Now I'm going no contact with her FOREVER because I deserve someone who has their heart set on me, especially when I tried soo soo hard and did sooo many things for her. I'm walking away as the better person....

[LostInTheWild]

I don't really see the problem if your ex tells you they won't see other people and they do anyway. I mean do you expect them to live a life of loneliness and celibacy? I can say now I will stay single but hey, if I meet someone whatever happens, happens. You have to go out and play the field as if you are single because you ARE. Time stops for no one.

[keepontruckin]

Jenn, listen to the others in this post. Dumpers will lie to you about things, such as if there's anyone new in their life. They lie because they just don't care about you, and also to ease their guilt.

 

And that is why dumpers will always come up with some BS reason as to why they leave. I wouldn't give a damn what my idiot friends thought about my gf/wife, nor would most other people in love.

 

But you see, the dumper has to justify their actions somehow... To themselves, to their family, etc. It lessens their guilt.

 

Now you see how selfish they are. So you are shy? Who cares? Most people are shy at least some of the time. They're lying if they said they aren't.

 

Now you are here worrying about changing a core trait about yourself for him, when it's him whom has the problem. Your shyness was good enough for him for a year, and he's just now using that as an excuse.

[Jbmouth91]

I don't really see the problem if your ex tells you they won't see other people and they do anyway. I mean do you expect them to live a life of loneliness and celibacy? I can say now I will stay single but hey, if I meet someone whatever happens, happens. You have to go out and play the field as if you are single because you ARE. Time stops for no one.

 

I know time stops for no one and yes theyre single but just like any ordinary person, you should have respect for the other person, especially when I gave her everything and so much respect! But no she still lied and so I have no time for her during any moment of my life.

[Arabella]

Jenn, listen to the others in this post. Dumpers will lie to you about things, such as if there's anyone new in their life. They lie because they just don't care about you, and also to ease their guilt.

 

And that is why dumpers will always come up with some BS reason as to why they leave. I wouldn't give a damn what my idiot friends thought about my gf/wife, nor would most other people in love.

 

But you see, the dumper has to justify their actions somehow... To themselves, to their family, etc. It lessens their guilt.

.

 

Uhm... no. Just no.

 

Why do you act like someone who ends a relationship is somehow a terrible person who doesn't care about anybody else?

 

I've ended many relationships. Most times (except one involving abuse), I cared deeply for my partner, but I had to do it because they weren't right for me.

 

Sometimes, we just want something specific and we realize after a while that the person we're with just isn't it.

 

The OP's boyfriend wanted something different. He wanted a more outgoing, talkative person, from the sounds of it. She can try and "work" on it, but it's always going to come out forced because it's not who she is. Personality mismatch. He may not have explained himself very well, but it's a pretty good reason to end a relationship.

 

And who said that what someone says when a relationship ends isn't true? I fully intended in being single for a while when I broke up with my last ex. Then after 4 mo I changed my mind. No deception there.... it was true when I said it.

 

At the end of the day... once the relationship is over, it's just over. It doesn't matter what they said, or what you want. If they wanted to be with you, they would be... period. Remember that and stop concerning with what else they're doing with their lives.

[jenn78]

thanks Arabella...

 

My ex wanted me to be how i was with my friends... outgoing but i never felt at ease around his friends. We worked on every other level except that one which could have been improved on but i got comfortable with how things were so i didnt feel the need to change because i thought he was happy but clearly he wasnt but he never said anything. but oh well... i'm trying to move on.

[Arabella]

thanks Arabella...

 

My ex wanted me to be how i was with my friends... outgoing but i never felt at ease around his friends. We worked on every other level except that one which could have been improved on but i got comfortable with how things were so i didnt feel the need to change because i thought he was happy but clearly he wasnt but he never said anything. but oh well... i'm trying to move on.

 

Well, that's exactly it. You would've had to change who you were in order for him to be happy with you. Does that sound like grounds for a happy relationship? You may be able to keep it up for some time, but forever? Not likely.

 

It's one thing to try and change your flaws to become a better person, it's another to change your personality because someone wants you to. BIG difference.

 

You deserve a relationship where you're appreciated for who you are.

 

-A

[HumptyDumpty]

The reason he broke up with me was because he said i was too quiet/shy around his friends/fam and it seemed like i couldn't hold a conversation with them.

 

....What? WHAT? Are you serious? An adult broke up because of this?

Oh c'mooooon, I believed a long time in the tooth fairy but there is a time where the crap doesn't work anymore! I never got a piece anyway, f you tooth fairy!

 

This is def no reason to break up with a gf! What a miserable ******* he is!

 

So, obviously, this is not the real reason! Tadaaaaaaaa!

Plus: he doesn't even know if he loves you aka wants to be with you! What a great catch!!

 

No seriously! If this was a real prob, an adult mature male would talk to his love about it! First of all- know what is going on! If my family stinks, makes weird faces or other scaring my lovely girlfriend! Plus, it is perfectly normal when confronted with generations of derps like him!

 

In facto: he isn't into you and derpy as he is, came up with a derp excuse!

 

Don't you dare wait around for him! Do you want someone really coming back to you since a- he found nothing better, b- a prostitute is expensive to empty the balls and c- girlfriends are a lot of work to get, lets get lazy and stick with the stock we have...

 

Sorry, but prove him how outgoing you really are. But with another guy!

This truly shows he is incapable of solving a minor issue with you! I mean, if tomorrow you loose both legs and arms, how do you think he will be there for you if he can't resolve this kindergarden problem? I don't get it seriously!