I'm curious for those that ended up with the "happy ending"

[bentleychic]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

[MissBee]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

 

Good questions. I think this should be a constructive discussion.

 

A big thing for me in giving advice about my situation is paying attention to the differences and similarities between it and the person I'm giving advice to. If my situation was nothing like theirs, then lots of stuff may not at all apply and be relevant. Whereas, if it is more similar, they'll probably relate better to it and some of it may play out similarly or the course of action I took may make sense for them. I think knowing also if your situation is atypical or the norm helps a lot in how you advise people for what they should/can reasonably expect.

 

I am not with my exAP now, although we did get a chance at an open relationship. He wasn't married though, but ended his longterm relationship. He didn't end it for me/us. We had broken off the A and went our separate ways and I had a new bf and it was about 2 years after the A where we came back together.

[Silly_Girl]

Erm, yeah we ended up together (split later). I'd say some of it was probably along the lines of what you're getting at, in part because it was also an LDR.

 

What was different, or might have been different, was their unusual dynamic (no sex, ever, and a sibling or parental relationship), plus the fact they'd already split for over a year prior to me, because she left him for someone else.

 

Oh, and no children. Dur, obviously. See above.

 

There are definitely certain factors without which either a) we'd never have moved forward (the jealousy of sharing a guy sexually would have maddened me) or b) I just wouldn't have gone there (if he had had kids we'd never have got to first base, not judging those who do, it was just a 'thing' for me).

[HopingAgain]

I see a lot of similarities in lots of the affair relationships here to my and current Hs scenario. I was the BS/WS who left to be with her OM and we've now been together and married 10 years. Can't call it happily ever after yet because we are now recovering from his infidelity but time will tell. I don't see any lines that resonate with me but I have seen somev feelings I related to as a WS and some assurances made to OW that I know could be questionable.

[bentleychic]

It's so silly, but one of the "lines" that MM has used with me is "I so wish I had met you X years ago." (before he met his BS) After coming here, I see that it's a common line. In the past, I always thought it was sweet, but since coming here, a lot of "lines" that I used to think were sweet seem like they were taken right out of the "how to be a cake eater" hand book.

 

Yes, I second (and third and fourth! LOL) guess everything now.

[2sure]

Id have to say that particular line is well used.

[Silly_Girl]

I've used that line on my husband!

 

I very strongly wish we had happened upon one another 10 years or more before we did.

[Pierre]

Id have to say that particular line is well used.

 

The line is a classic and it works well. I used it a 1000 times----very effective. I will say that I felt it every time I said it.

[bentleychic]

I've used that line on my husband!

 

I very strongly wish we had happened upon one another 10 years or more before we did.

 

I totally feel that "line" for my MM, too, but I've never actually said it.

 

I'm over examining stuff way too much these days.

[Lady2163]

MM is not leaving his wife. We are both very logical thinkers, not a lot of hypothetical situations. The one time he said, "if I had met you before I married...". I answered, " I would have only been 14.". We both had an 'ewwww' moment.

 

Now in fantasy land, if I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell him, "wait five more years and you will meet me. It will be worth it."

 

But yes, lines used by men and women.

Finances....they want to save some money, hide it from the spouse, so they don't end up totally destitute, there is never enough money or they have to tap their secret stash for some emergency that can't be verified.

Kids...they want to wait until the kids are old enough. First it may be teens, then when they graduate high school, then college, then they don't want to ruin someone's impending marriage, then there's a grandchild. On a different tangent, I've been around several MM who have adult children with problems.

Wife...the latest one I've heard (TWICE!) is a wife who has the beginnings of dementia or Alzheimer's. She is still at home, but any day now they will have to start looking for nursing homes. He was trying to convince me that six months to a year after wife went into nursing home he would be able to tell adult children he wanted to start dating.

 

I had a bf once who wanted to keep the relationship a secret. This was fine for me at the start, my court date was two months away and I didnt want to rock the boat with my soon to be XH. I was even fine with it 2-3 months after court, didn't want to be involved too soon. But 8 months after we started seeing each other, I was ready to be public. He had all sorts of excuses. He was 25 years older, people would think it was creepy, people would think I was only dating him for his money (of which he had none, more than I did, but not enough to make a huge difference), he really loved the fact he was able to pull one over on all the gossipers at our social club, he spent a lot of time stressing how he liked to keep his private life private.

 

It turned out he had a girlfriend. I saw her all the time, he told me they weren't involved. She actually tried to set us up once. He was keeping his relationship with her a secret as well. She broke up with him, but he still pursued her and wanted her to think he was single and celibate. She was in the hospital, he went to the hospital, used some excuse, sent her boyfriend for coffee and then pulled out a ring and proposed to her AND HE HAD SLEPT WITH ME/HAD SEX WITH ME THE NIGHT BEFORE. She turned him down, but damn if she hadn't, that would have been sticky as hell. I truly didn't know I was the other woman until after we were ended.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Lady2163

[Got it]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

 

While some of our affair had similarities there were some stark differences. I refused to accept less than in a relationship with him so we had overnights, 24/7 calls, daily visits, meeting some friends, trips, etc. He was, he said, in a very disconnected/co-parenting relationship where he was trying to divorce. So I said, fine, let's put it to the test.

 

Yes I think he was cake eating but not between his ex and myself. They did not have a sexual relationship during our affair (and yes I know that to be true from her emails). But it was between his life with his kids, their mother and then me. That was having his cake and eating it too so all of his needs could be met.

 

Yes there were roller coaster moments but so was when our relationship was "out" but we were LD due to work. LD was probably the hardest for me.

 

Yes I think that line about meeting each other before may have been said but it was really in jest as we both meet our ex spouses at very young ages so it would have been ridiculous.

 

 

In all honesty there isn't any one thing that makes one partnership move on or not. Sometimes it is just timing.

[Speakingofwhich]

Makes total sense to me. I guess it could be a line, or it could just be true. Maybe it's a common feeling and that's why you hear about it so much. I dont' think that makes it a "line" as much as just proves it's a pretty human thought and emotion.

 

Have often thought this way when reading this forum and noticing posters talking about "same lines" MM use.

 

If you are eating a piece of cake and you say, "Ummm, it's so delicious!" Is that a line, because a lot of other people would say the same thing while eating it?

 

When situations are similar they call up similar, authentic emotions and phrases with different people.

[MissBee]

Have often thought this way when reading this forum and noticing posters talking about "same lines" MM use.

 

If you are eating a piece of cake and you say, "Ummm, it's so delicious!" Is that a line, because a lot of other people would say the same thing while eating it?

 

When situations are similar they call up similar, authentic emotions and phrases with different people.

 

I think people call it a line because usually nothing really comes out of this empty wish. It's like that's nice that you wish that, but you didn't and you're still married and by the look of it not leaving....so it's just a meaningless expression, like when people say "How are you?" but most times aren't really concerned or only concerned in a shallow way. It's just something to say in that circumstance and one shouldn't ascribe too much significance to it.

[Red Wolverine]

I think people call it a line because usually nothing really comes out of this empty wish. It's like that's nice that you wish that, but you didn't and you're still married and by the look of it not leaving....so it's just a meaningless expression, like when people say "How are you?" but most times aren't really concerned or only concerned in a shallow way. It's just something to say in that circumstance and one shouldn't ascribe too much significance to it.

 

Yep, basically talk is cheap.

[Betterthanthis13]

I think people call it a line because usually nothing really comes out of this empty wish. It's like that's nice that you wish that, but you didn't and you're still married and by the look of it not leaving....so it's just a meaningless expression, like when people say "How are you?" but most times aren't really concerned or only concerned in a shallow way. It's just something to say in that circumstance and one shouldn't ascribe too much significance to it.

 

This is my favorite thing that I've read on LS all day. I'm picturing myself thinking of a conversation I had with someone where they asked me, "How are you?" And trying to determine if they really cared how I was or not.

 

I'm not poking fun at OP's question- I think the question is a really good one, and a really brave one to ask. I'm getting a lot out of reading the answers even if I can't contribute much in the way of personal experience.

 

So I think with a "line", the "how are you?" example raises a good point to think about. There is no way to know if it is just being said because that's just what people say in those types of situations.

 

The same MM who delivers a "line" to an OW is capable of delivering a "line" to a BS. I've heard some of those. "I'm so sorry" "I'll never do it again" etc etc

[MissBee]

This is my favorite thing that I've read on LS all day. I'm picturing myself thinking of a conversation I had with someone where they asked me, "How are you?" And trying to determine if they really cared how I was or not.

 

I'm not poking fun at OP's question- I think the question is a really good one, and a really brave one to ask. I'm getting a lot out of reading the answers even if I can't contribute much in the way of personal experience.

 

So I think with a "line", the "how are you?" example raises a good point to think about. There is no way to know if it is just being said because that's just what people say in those types of situations.

 

The same MM who delivers a "line" to an OW is capable of delivering a "line" to a BS. I've heard some of those. "I'm so sorry" "I'll never do it again" etc etc

 

It doesn't even matter truthfully.

 

I wish A LOT of things everyday, but they remain wishes and reality goes on. So it's like even if MM really genuinely wished he met you 15 years ago, so what? This isn't 15 years ago, it's today, and it's just a way of saying "I wish things were different, but this is reality and they're not, but it's nice to wish nonetheless..."

 

*shrug*

 

It doesn't mean much. However, when it is said, some OW believe it is worth gold...when it's not...it's just a wish like any other and whether he genuinely wishes it or fake wishes it, a wish is a wish and is still not reality.

[Red Wolverine]

It doesn't even matter truthfully.

 

I wish A LOT of things everyday, but they remain wishes and reality goes on. So it's like even if MM really genuinely wished he met you 15 years ago, so what? This isn't 15 years ago, it's today, and it's just a way of saying "I wish things were different, but this is reality and they're not, but it's nice to wish nonetheless..."

 

*shrug*

 

It doesn't mean much. However, when it is said, some OW believe it is worth gold...when it's not...it's just a wish like any other and whether he genuinely wishes it or fake wishes it, a wish is a wish and is still not reality.

 

I used to tell him, "Wishing doesn't make it so."

 

Even before the affair, I've never was a wisher. Just too rational for dreaming too far out of my grasp. Now I have no tolerance for it.

 

I'll have to watch that because there is a difference between a wish and a plan. Affairs cloud that.

[MissBee]

I used to tell him, "Wishing doesn't make it so."

 

Even before the affair, I've never was a wisher. Just too rational for dreaming too far out of my grasp. Now I have no tolerance for it.

 

I'll have to watch that because there is a difference between a wish and a plan. Affairs cloud that.

 

My exAP was big on wishes too...and I was big on doing, planning, taking steps not just daydreaming and head in the clouds stuff and lots of :love: but nothing more. I think lots of affairs survive on just this gassed up talk and future faking and nothing more, and after a while, I just got tired.

 

It wasn't that I didn't believe he loved me or cared or didn't wish stuff was different...it was that stuff wasn't different and instead of making them different or putting his love into action he was fine with just wishing about it, and I wasn't.

[Speakingofwhich]

I think people call it a line because usually nothing really comes out of this empty wish. It's like that's nice that you wish that, but you didn't and you're still married and by the look of it not leaving....so it's just a meaningless expression, like when people say "How are you?" but most times aren't really concerned or only concerned in a shallow way. It's just something to say in that circumstance and one shouldn't ascribe too much significance to it.

 

I agree!

 

And while it's true that some people ask, "How are you," and don't mean it, there are those few who ask it and do mean it. As we mature (from childhood) we learn to tell the difference. I think it's also possible to learn to be able to tell if your MM is one who will leave for you. But, it's probably rarely an easy journey to get to this level of intuition/perception.

[MissBee]

I agree!

 

And while it's true that some people ask, "How are you," and don't mean it, there are those few who ask it and do mean it. As we mature (from childhood) we learn to tell the difference. I think it's also possible to learn to be able to tell if your MM is one who will leave for you. But, it's probably rarely an easy journey to get to this level of intuition/perception.

 

Do you intuit that yours will?

 

I definitely have cultivated my intuition over the years. I won't be dating taken men anymore, but at the time I was, I was pretty logical about what to expect.

[Speakingofwhich]

Do you intuit that yours will?

 

I definitely have cultivated my intuition over the years. I won't be dating taken men anymore, but at the time I was, I was pretty logical about what to expect.

 

He is in the process of it.

 

I didn't believe he would do it years ago when I was involved with him and that's one of the reasons I left.

 

Over the ensuing years he has stayed in limited contact with me (though I never contacted him or shared anything about my life with him, our phone calls were fairly brief) so that I was able to get a better perspective on him and his goals. He's grown tremendously as a person and both of us have changed and mellowed.

 

However, I haven't and would never, if something happened to our R, ever date a married man again. Have turned down plenty of them over the years after having been in this R the first time. Won't even lunch with a MM in my same profession unless another person is with us.

[LimeBlue]

He was keeping his relationship with her a secret as well. She broke up with him, but he still pursued her and wanted her to think he was single and celibate. She was in the hospital, he went to the hospital, used some excuse, sent her boyfriend for coffee and then pulled out a ring and proposed to her AND HE HAD SLEPT WITH ME/HAD SEX WITH ME THE NIGHT BEFORE. She turned him down, but damn if she hadn't, that would have been sticky as hell. I truly didn't know I was the other woman until after we were ended.

 

Holy crap. And I thought I had problems. I am so sorry you had to find this out afterwards

[Got it]

It doesn't even matter truthfully.

 

I wish A LOT of things everyday, but they remain wishes and reality goes on. So it's like even if MM really genuinely wished he met you 15 years ago, so what? This isn't 15 years ago, it's today, and it's just a way of saying "I wish things were different, but this is reality and they're not, but it's nice to wish nonetheless..."

 

*shrug*

 

It doesn't mean much. However, when it is said, some OW believe it is worth gold...when it's not...it's just a wish like any other and whether he genuinely wishes it or fake wishes it, a wish is a wish and is still not reality.

 

But how could one "believe it is worth gold". Unless someone is aware of time travel and able to do so there is no way that statement could be anything other than wishful thinking.

 

That is not a "line" that I would worry about. The "lines" that would be more specific and hurtful are the ones where someone says that they are going to do something, or want to do something, but do not execute.

 

My ex husband was big on this. He would talk all the time about what he wanted to do, what he wished he could do, what he desired to do. But he rarely executed. So early on I really drummed into "walking the talk" because of that. It would just frustrate me if one talked about doing something why was it so hard to make it happen. Why talk then?

 

I was very conscious of it when in the affair and shot down much outside of specific details as of today. I am a pretty pragmatic person so any dreaming I do I execute.

 

My husband is more of a dreamer than I am. He dreams every day about winning the lottery and just retiring. I find it a nice daydream but I don't put a lot of stock in it. I guess, at least he actually plays so there are some actual actions there.

 

I have this weird Murphy's law that if I wish for something too hard it rarely comes true. I used to get all ramped up when buying horses, I would be so set on one horse, but then it would fall through and I would be crushed. So I learned to steel my emotions, stay pragmatic and just focus on today knowing that until the check is cut the deal could fall through. So I would try and get off the roller coaster ride of wishful thinking but I also know that what ends up happening/result is better than what I originally wanted. So I stop anticipating the future, and just stay in the present and let the Universe unfold exactly how it is supposed to.

[Got it]

I agree!

 

And while it's true that some people ask, "How are you," and don't mean it, there are those few who ask it and do mean it. As we mature (from childhood) we learn to tell the difference. I think it's also possible to learn to be able to tell if your MM is one who will leave for you. But, it's probably rarely an easy journey to get to this level of intuition/perception.

 

Really? What do you look for? And I am someone who has moved past the affair together.

 

I actually don't think there are any really good predictors, not for the ultimate "jump". I think there are signs that say someone is more likely to do so, but the S/D stage is a rough one and a number of people think they are done with the marriage decide at one point or another, for a multitude of reasons, to give it one more shot.

 

I knew I was done. My husband (AP) was SHOCKED that I left as quickly as I did. He assumed he was farther along mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew from watching my parent's toxic and crazy marriage that even when things are just awful it doesn't mean that one is going to break free of that. That even with toxicity there can still be a connection. It is scary and hard to make the move to divorce and I see many people, in and out of affairs, put their toe in and then pull back. You are going from the familiar to the unfamiliar and that is a struggle. So, in my eyes, it is hard to predict who would leave and who would stay.

[Speakingofwhich]

Really? What do you look for? And I am someone who has moved past the affair together.

 

I actually don't think there are any really good predictors, not for the ultimate "jump". I think there are signs that say someone is more likely to do so, but the S/D stage is a rough one and a number of people think they are done with the marriage decide at one point or another, for a multitude of reasons, to give it one more shot.

 

I knew I was done. My husband (AP) was SHOCKED that I left as quickly as I did. He assumed he was farther along mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew from watching my parent's toxic and crazy marriage that even when things are just awful it doesn't mean that one is going to break free of that. That even with toxicity there can still be a connection. It is scary and hard to make the move to divorce and I see many people, in and out of affairs, put their toe in and then pull back. You are going from the familiar to the unfamiliar and that is a struggle. So, in my eyes, it is hard to predict who would leave and who would stay.

 

I get what you're saying here.

 

I don't think I could listen to another woman's story and be able to predict if her MM is going to leave or not. But, in my sitch I have a pretty good handle on it.

 

As I said, I didn't think he would leave before. But, now I see things happening that indicate the process is thoroughly underway. Wish I could write about them, but I can't at this point as they are specific to our situation and I don't want to be identified.

 

My MM is not the type to make a declaration that he is going to leave or that he is going to do anything, for that matter. He is one who begins moving in a particular direction and may or may not continue with it. Has a lot going on and I am able to observe the threads of his life developing. Is that way with his work, too. He will begin working on something, set it aside to work on other things, pick it up, work on other things and I can see some projects he is working on begin to develop and build momentum and others get lost by the wayside.

 

That is how his progress in moving out of M is going. Has been building in momentum long term, even when I was out of the picture. Before I came back into the picture this second time I could see that he had built momentum to move out of M even without me in the picture.

 

He won't be leaving M for me. And I don't want him to do that. That would be scary for me and I have been very clear with him on that. I want him to fix his M if he can and have continued to tell him that if he can fix his M he should stay and do that. If that would happen I would be supportive of it.