dichotomy Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I did not want to jump on the other interesting Q&A thread. This question is only posted to single OW's with full respect for the rules, and posters here. No judgements at all. I have seen that some of the single OW's are not necessarily putting all their hopes into just seeing OM/MM ...or that he will leave his wife right now. Therefore some of you are dating or open to dating and finding a new guy, or perhaps simply wanting to keep your life in your own hands. My questions are this: 1) Would you ever tell a man you were dating, or maybe later more serious, that you were also seeing or had been involved with a MM? 2) At what point of dating, seeing, or becoming involved with a new single guy, would you break it off with MM?
thefooloftheyear Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 If you want to do that, then it seems silly to continue with the MM, no? At that point, I would think you no longer had any allegiance to the MM, so why not just use that as a springboard to get out of a dysfunctional relationship? Neither guy is going to like it...providing they find out.. Just seems like one who would go that route, is too chicken to end it, so they go out and try to find a better deal first..If that doesnt pan out, theyll use the MM as the fallback..(correct me if I am wrong).. Its unhealthy, IMO...Just get out, then go and date whoever you want that is available.. .02 TFY
Author dichotomy Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) Thanks fooloftheyear, You do make a point, but not really what I was hoping to find out. In the Q&A thread below there were several responses from OW not being exclusive to their MM/OM. A few indicated they sometimes dated others (casually or not) or thought about it anyway (some OM/MM did not like this idea). I was simply wishing to followup with those who did say they are - or are consdiering dating others .... "so what happens if.." http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/400126-being-ow-q-session Edited August 12, 2013 by dichotomy 1
Sarabi Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Single but no longer OW ...jeez...as if its something to smile about ... Moving swiftly on... I...did not date anyone at the same time. I would have preferred to get out of the thing then eventually find another relationship. I don't think former MM would have been too happy if I started dating whilst I was with him (he got upset a couple of times when I was talking to other guys)...& he did ask if I would still see him if I found someone else. He would have been happy to but I said no...don't know why he would want all that confusion but hey I have thought about this...a friend advised against telling any future guy that I was involved with a MM. I feel happy enough to talk about it and get things out in the open...So personally I don't mind...but she mentioned that it might make him uncomfortable and he will think you will cheat on him. Hmmmmm...I wouldn't tell right at the beginning but maybe a few months(or whenever I felt comfortable) down the line. 1
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I am no longer OW, but when I was... The exclusive talk never came into play, for reasons I think are obvious. But...I didn't seriously date when involved with a MM , mostly because I just wasn't interested. I would date casually, no sex, but never developed much interest. Although I was seeing a man attached to someone else, I was still monogamous me. I didn't have a moral conflict with seeing other men during the affair, I just really wasn't interested. When I was ready to move on to a real relationship personally, I stopped seeing MM so that should I meet someone...I would be emotionally available enough to become interested. And it worked.
Speakingofwhich Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Years ago when I was OW (to same man I've recently become OW with again) I was fanatical about being faithful to him. Had some really great opportunities, too. They always seemed to occur when I was visiting him in his city. Still, I could easily have pulled it off logistically.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I made moves to date others a couple of times. Went out with a chef 2 or 3 times, and a writer. It was pointless because I was in love. However, I did not go in to the dates to lead anyone on. There were a couple of points where it seemed we had reached an impasse (I wanted an exclusive relationship, he was not making the right moves to leave) and I thought if I broadened my horizons, got to know other people, maybe I might find an interest in someone else. Maybe something could grow.
Lady2163 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I did not want to jump on the other interesting Q&A thread. This question is only posted to single OW's with full respect for the rules, and posters here. No judgements at all. I have seen that some of the single OW's are not necessarily putting all their hopes into just seeing OM/MM ...or that he will leave his wife right now. Therefore some of you are dating or open to dating and finding a new guy, or perhaps simply wanting to keep your life in your own hands. My questions are this: 1) Would you ever tell a man you were dating, or maybe later more serious, that you were also seeing or had been involved with a MM? 2) At what point of dating, seeing, or becoming involved with a new single guy, would you break it off with MM? 1). No I wouldn't and/or have not told the single men I date I am involved with a married man. If we get to the point of sexual history, I usually say that I had a long distance friend with benefits for several years and leave it at that. 2). I wouldn't break it off with MM until single man made some kind of commitment. This is where I become high maintenance. I want a ring, a mortgage together or SOMETHING other than just saying "let's be exclusive". I quit giving details about my sexual history 10 years ago.
MissBee Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I did not want to jump on the other interesting Q&A thread. This question is only posted to single OW's with full respect for the rules, and posters here. No judgements at all. I have seen that some of the single OW's are not necessarily putting all their hopes into just seeing OM/MM ...or that he will leave his wife right now. Therefore some of you are dating or open to dating and finding a new guy, or perhaps simply wanting to keep your life in your own hands. My questions are this: 1) Would you ever tell a man you were dating, or maybe later more serious, that you were also seeing or had been involved with a MM? 2) At what point of dating, seeing, or becoming involved with a new single guy, would you break it off with MM? No longer in A. My situation was a mixture of SG's and 2sure's. There was no exclusivity talk and my rational mind was that unless he was exclusively with me, he would not get my full loyalties. However, I'm naturally monogamous. When we were feeling more connected or if I'd just seen him, I was on a high and didn't have eyes for others. At times when we were less connected or I was fed up, I did exercise my freedom and like SG would go out with other men, but I was in love with him, so I wasn't open for really having a real relationship. I didn't mention him to most, and most weren't people I saw frequently anyway, and to others I said I didn't really have a boyfriend..."it was complicated"... and they wanted to take me out anyway. 2
Red Wolverine Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Thanks fooloftheyear, You do make a point, but not really what I was hoping to find out. In the Q&A thread below there were several responses from OW not being exclusive to their MM/OM. A few indicated they sometimes dated others (casually or not) or thought about it anyway (some OM/MM did not like this idea). I was simply wishing to followup with those who did say they are - or are consdiering dating others .... "so what happens if.." http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/400126-being-ow-q-session I think there are more OW who acted like they were dating single men. It's the old...I'll make MM see how desirable I am, then he'll really want me blah blah game. In fact, he might not care if he's still getting his piece or figures that's fair because he's married. One thing OWs who play this game don't realize is making a man feel insecure about your feelings for him doesn't encourage him to feel secure in a relationship. Those men are much more inclined to stay with their wife who promised to stay with them forever. Bottom line...games are stupid. 2
Red Wolverine Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I'm a serial monogamist, therefore I never date more than one person at a time. It takes a lot to get my interest, therefore I invest completely in a man when one peaks that interest. It's slim pickings now. Where are all the intelligent, kind, honest men with values and a sense of humor? I know....married. 2
Cocochai Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I dated... This one guy really liked me and even wanted to be my Valentines. He knew my situation with the XMM and he did everythung he could to distract me but I was soooo stuck on the MM. Today, he's still trying to win my heart... Now that I've decided to move on from the A, I can clear my mind and see how this goes. 3
Lady2163 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I think there are more OW who acted like they were dating single men. It's the old...I'll make MM see how desirable I am, then he'll really want me blah blah game. In fact, he might not care if he's still getting his piece or figures that's fair because he's married. One thing OWs who play this game don't realize is making a man feel insecure about your feelings for him doesn't encourage him to feel secure in a relationship. Those men are much more inclined to stay with their wife who promised to stay with them forever. Bottom line...games are stupid. It does kind of affect MM. One night I was going to a swingers party in his town. I had done security and bartending at swingers events in my area, had met some people and was going for fun. He said he wasn't bothered, but that afternoon, he pulled out all the stops during mattress Olympics.
Red Wolverine Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 It does kind of affect MM. One night I was going to a swingers party in his town. I had done security and bartending at swingers events in my area, had met some people and was going for fun. He said he wasn't bothered, but that afternoon, he pulled out all the stops during mattress Olympics. Yes but that's not a healthy relationship. A couple should believe no one will cheat, even if they weren't recently serviced.
2sure Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Agreed, some men are prone to insecipurity, manipulation, and jealousy. Others find it a turn off. 1
Lady2163 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Yes but that's not a healthy relationship. A couple should believe no one will cheat, even if they weren't recently serviced. There's no cheating, we aren't monogamous.
Red Wolverine Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 There's no cheating, we aren't monogamous. Perhaps but him playing mattress Olympics to either wear you out or prove himself isn't the behavior of a secure relationship.
Speakingofwhich Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Bottom line...games are stupid. I so agree! One of the things I so enjoy in my R with MM is that neither of us plays games and if we feel insecure we tell the other we are feeling insecure. Then whichever one of us it is does what we can to reassure the other. If I were to begin dating single guys I think this dynamic would change. It's already a complicated enough R, why make it more so by dating others when our goal is make things good as possible under the circumstances?
Lady2163 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Perhaps but him playing mattress Olympics to either wear you out or prove himself isn't the behavior of a secure relationship. I never called it a relationship until I came here. It's a friendship. He isn't leaving his wife. We both know this will end. My goal is soon. I'm pretty sure I can fade away....I do not believe I have romantic love feelings for him. I have deep friendship feelings, though. I don't fantasize about a future with him very often. I have to suspend belief to do it. The only way it would work for us to be together is if the wife met someone else, fell in love and wanted a divorce (okay, that and the totally macabre and distatseful sceanrio of her dying). That isn't going to happen. IF we were discovered, I don't believe a relationship would work between us. The trauma of the divorce would be too much for him to look at me everyday. He loses everything. Job, beautiful home, a lifetime of savings, kids, community respect. It's not worth it to me for him to lose all that.
MissBee Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I so agree! One of the things I so enjoy in my R with MM is that neither of us plays games and if we feel insecure we tell the other we are feeling insecure. Then whichever one of us it is does what we can to reassure the other. If I were to begin dating single guys I think this dynamic would change. It's already a complicated enough R, why make it more so by dating others when our goal is make things good as possible under the circumstances? The rationale for most OW in dating others is realizing that an affair is not an ideal relationship, and most OW don't genuinely just love being in an affair, they want the person and choose for whatever reason to accept the limitations and hope it will change in the future. However, most OW get tired of this, esp if no change is apparent, and realize it is unfair to them to have a complicated, halfway relationship which they are 100% faithful to, it seems completely ridiculous when you think about it, so some try to date single guys hoping they can find a full time partner and can let go of the half-way R with MM. Unfortunately it is usually difficult for them to be emotionally available to do so, but that's the reason why many try to. 5
Red Wolverine Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 The rationale for most OW in dating others is realizing that an affair is not an ideal relationship, and most OW don't genuinely just love being in an affair, they want the person and choose for whatever reason to accept the limitations and hope it will change in the future. However, most OW get tired of this, esp if no change is apparent, and realize it is unfair to them to have a complicated, halfway relationship which they are 100% faithful to, it seems completely ridiculous when you think about it, so some try to date single guys hoping they can find a full time partner and can let go of the half-way R with MM. Unfortunately it is usually difficult for them to be emotionally available to do so, but that's the reason why many try to. I never could have dated anyone else because I was 100% invested in him and the relationship we had. Hell, it's over and I'm still struggling months later. The heart and the head have a complicated relationship.
Lady2163 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 some try to date single guys hoping they can find a full time partner and can let go of the half-way R with MM. . That's pretty much me.
MissBee Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I never could have dated anyone else because I was 100% invested in him and the relationship we had. Hell, it's over and I'm still struggling months later. The heart and the head have a complicated relationship. I know the struggle. It does get better though! 1
findingnemo Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I agree with MissBee, 2Sure and Lady. At the beginning of the A, I was 100% faithful. I wanted to give xMM my all. Granted I was under the misguided impression that he would leave his W. He never said he would in words but my little brain and inexperienced heart told me that if he was cheating, he was leaving. A few years down the road after a few heartbreaking realizations, I got angry and decided to date. I told him what I was doing and he was angry. I argued that he had no right to question my decision since he was having sex daily with his W. I really really tried to meet someone I could be with. Unfortunately, all I did was compare them to xMM and it would lead no where. Did I tell them about xMM? Not when we were dating. (Btw, dating in my world doesn't involve sex.) Only one guy came close to making me forget xMM and we did get intimate. I told him the truth. The reason we stopped seeing each other was because xMM suddenly "made" more time for me. I am unable to sleep with, let alone think about, two men at the same time. Personally I think OWs should date. They should go out and meet new people. They should live like they are single because to live otherwise is to choose to be deluded. It actually helps a OW realize that the world is full of potential partners. She should also realize that MM sees her as a "side dish" most times. He could survive without it. She needs to develop the same attitude as it will help her disengage emotionally. 2
findingnemo Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I never called it a relationship until I came here. It's a friendship. He isn't leaving his wife. We both know this will end. My goal is soon. I'm pretty sure I can fade away....I do not believe I have romantic love feelings for him. I have deep friendship feelings, though. I don't fantasize about a future with him very often. I have to suspend belief to do it. The only way it would work for us to be together is if the wife met someone else, fell in love and wanted a divorce (okay, that and the totally macabre and distatseful sceanrio of her dying). That isn't going to happen. IF we were discovered, I don't believe a relationship would work between us. The trauma of the divorce would be too much for him to look at me everyday. He loses everything. Job, beautiful home, a lifetime of savings, kids, community respect. It's not worth it to me for him to lose all that. Isn't it terrible when a thought pops up in your head of the BW dying? It happened to me once and it scared me that I could even contemplate it. As OW when I would analyze the situation (something I usually avoided because it was painful), I would conclude that if xMM left his W for me, he would be a fool. I think the ideal situation would have been that he had waited for me to feel ready for M. The fact that he was M with kids somehow spoiled everything. It is like ordering your favourite soup but you find it has a bit more salt than usual. You like it but it leaves a bad aftertaste.
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