Abrupt separation - just looking for suggestions

[lostinpgh]

This may get a little long, so I apologize in advance.

 

This month marks 10 years of marriage for my husband and I. We met online back in 01, I moved to Canada to be with him in early 2002. I was able to get a job here in the US about a year later so we moved back here to the US. We got married in 2003 in order for him to be able to stay in the US and get started working. I loved him from the first day I met him and my feelings have only grown over the years. I was 21 and he was 22 when we got married.

 

Over the course of the years, on the outside our relationship looked picture perfect. He would spoil me with anything I wanted, we went on lots of vacations together, and in general we had good enough fortune to be able to buy anything we wanted to within reason. We currently own a house, 3 cars, and a rental property.

He has never been the type to show emotions, EVER. I have seen this man cry one time since I've met him and that was the day my mother passed away.

 

He made a few friends at work, but never really got close to anyone where he could just call them up and see if they wanted to go for a beer. He has a few friends at home where he could do that, but never seemed to be able to connect with anyone like that here. I have my friends that I grew up with and I also have a sister I'm very close with. He doesn't have any siblings.

 

 

In 2010, we started looking around for ways to invest some money. I wanted to buy a house to flip and he wanted to buy a place that didn't need any work but wanted to just start renting it out and be a landlord. We ended up going with what I wanted - the flip. We bought a foreclosed house at the end of 2010 and we had to gut the thing from head to toe. I learned how to do drywall, painting, little bits of electrical and plumbing and everything in between. My husband ended up doing the bulk of the work at the house, and had to do a lot of the planning. It seemed like everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong with this house. It was a huge nightmare and there were days I just wanted to walk away from it. We ended up finishing up with the house this may and then we got it rented out starting in July.

 

My dad also was involved in the project and would come over and help us do some of the work. I did pay him though, but nowhere near the amount it would have cost if we hired someone to do the work. My dad is not very well off at all and struggles a lot with money. He is also very unreliable. He says he will be there at 2, and he might show up by 6 or not at all. He is also like that on holidays. Will show up late, or not at all, or will show up already having ate somewhere else. He also decided to marry a woman who is in her early 20's (he is nearing 60) and they have a child together and another one that is due in Nov. His wife has never worked a day in her life and would call me all throughout her 1st pregnancy to ask me to drive her to the doctor, hospital, stop at the store for this that and the other, and stupid me would go every single time.

 

My husband and I got to be in pretty close contact with one of his friends (the best man at our wedding) and his wife about 2 years ago. They live in Canada, so they would come to visit us and we would go visit with them. I was pretty close with both of them myself, we would text a lot and play video games together online a lot and we were all friends. My husband started talking via text pretty often with the friends wife. She is the type of person that is usually closer with guy friends and she is pretty close with her dad. They didn't hide the fact that they talked a lot from me or the husband and I just let it be. Over time though, I started to get suspicious and bitter. Finally around Christmas this past year, I looked through his texts. They flirted and everything but I never found any naked pics or any "I love you's" or anything like that. She had been going through a hard time with her parents and he said that he was providing her with support with that and just in other life areas. She is 10 years younger than him as well. I asked him if anything happened between them and he said that nothing did, they were just friends and I was overreacting. I looked through his texts again sometime in January and she said she was sorry for causing me to get angry at him and asked him if they should stop talking. He told her that no, they didn't have to stop talking. He also told her that I said that I never trusted him. So I left it at that, and I did say at the time that I didn't trust him and that I thought she was immature and all sorts of stuff. I did ask him a few more times over this past year if she was hitting on him or if he wanted to be with her, and if he would just tell me if he didnt want to be with me. He told me he would tell me if she tried anything with him. They were just friends and he didn't like to be told who he could be friends with. She ended up leaving her husband in January of this year and moved out. He seemed surprised by it, but she claims that he was hitting her. They are still apart now, but I'm not sure if legally divorced yet.

 

All through the beginning of this year and most of last year, things definitely slowed down in the bedroom department. I just took that as a sign that we were tired after working at the other house and didn't take it personally. He started to act distant and snippy with me probably around Feb or so this year. He started not to be so affectionate towards me, and he just seemed like he was hardened and not his usual happy self. When I would ask if he wanted to do something, he would just say "we'll see" or "Maybe" so it made it really hard to plan things with friends. I just thought he was feeling the stress of the house catch up with him and he never said otherwise.

Finally in April, after dinner one night he asks me if we can talk. I panic immediately and start to feel all the blood drain from my face. He says that he wrote me a letter and would like me to read it whenever I felt like I wanted to. So I read it right there with him. He said that he knew that I could tell he was acting strange and wanted to let me know why that was. He told me that he felt bitterness and resentment towards me for doing the house project we ended up doing, he said that he felt like I left him there alone and "checked out" of it. He said he felt that we had been drifting apart for a few years and ever more so after our house project. He told me that he thought my dad was on a self destructive path and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him anymore and felt that should something happen to him that his wife would run to me for help or money. He also said that he felt my sister was dragging down our relationship and that she was sort of in the same boat as my dad, she didn't have a steady job but had just finished university. He felt that her attitude was negative and that I was getting a negative attitude about things as well. He said he felt like I didn't put him first and that I was busy trying to take care of my sister and my dad all the time. He told me that he noticed my lack of caring about my appearance, and said that he wished I would wear some makeup or nicer clothes on occasion. After I read the letter, I felt hurt and picked on but I was glad that he told me how he felt. In the weeks after that, I asked him if he thought he would want to try some counseling and he agreed to it. He said that he wanted to go by himself at first and that at some later point we could try the couples counseling. I found us each a therapist and they work at the same place. They said that we could do individual counseling and then when we wanted to do couples counseling we could all 4 go together. So he started therapy at the very end of may and went every 2 weeks. I started going as well.

His behavior didn't improve and he was still acting distant and cold to me even after the letter. I started doing things to try to fix the problems such as telling my dad "No" if he asked for a favor, and in general distancing myself from their situation. I started to wear some nicer clothes and makeup when we went out on dates and things like that. I bought him a few small gifts here and there just to let him know I was thinking about him and that he meant the world to me. So, middle of June I come home to a book and another letter. The book was "codependent no more" and the letter said that he was sorry for the way he was acting, and he knew I could still tell something was wrong. He said that he couldn't help but to feel angry and bitter towards me for my wanting to do the house project and him not wanting to. He said he also blamed himself for not being more open about not wanting to do it and took responsibility for that. He also started talking about children and how he didn't think that we had a stable environment here to do that. He said that his therapist identified him as being codependent and he said that he spent most of his life doing things for others and put his wants aside for everyone else. He said he wanted to take a few days for himself and hoped that I would understand. So he got a hotel room in another part of the city but then one of his friends from canada invited him up for the weekend so he went and had a guys weekend. He told me that he loved me in both of the letters he wrote.

 

A few more weeks go by and he is pretty much the same, just keeping to himself and not talking much and just seeming depressed. I decide to write him a letter of my own. I tell him that I am sorry for wanting to do the project, I didn't realize that he wasn't fully into it, and I was sorry for him feeling abandoned. I told him that I also didn't like my dad's situation, but there was no way I could completely cut him from my life. I said that if he wanted to, we could move to Canada and start something different, especially if we decided on kids. I said that I was willing to do anything for us and that I took our vows seriously. About a day later, he was just like his old self, he was very affectionate towards me and seemed happier than I'd seen him in forever. His parents came down to visit a few days later (this was during the 4th of july ) and they thought everything was going well. This lasted for about 2 weeks and then like a switch, he changed again back to his depressive self. I sat him down one saturday in the middle of July and said that I was very worried about him and that I was pretty sure he was depressed. I asked him questions like what he was happy about and he replied with "not being dead" I tried to talk to him about happy childhood times and I recalled different things my sister and I did together or things I did with my mom that made me feel happy when I thought of them. The things he told me were depressing things that weren't at all happy memories from childhood. He told me that he felt like he had no emotions at all and that he felt numb to everything. He said he didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go out, do anything or make any type of plans. We had a cat that was just diagnosed with cancer and he said "I should feel something for our cat, but I just feel nothing" I called my therapist right away and told her that I was really worried about him. She in turn, called his therapist and then his therapist called him to talk about his depression.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I got our phone bill and saw some numbers he had been calling were apartments in another part of the city. I confronted him about it and he told me that he had been thinking of moving out and that at his latest therapy appointment, the therapist had suggested it as well. So on Saturday of last week, I laid there on the couch dripping tears as he moved out. He held me and hugged me and said that 'everything will be ok" and said that he had to be on his own for a while and that it was HIM that needed fixed. He said that he was tired of hurting everyone he loved and that he wanted to do something on his own and try to fix himself.

 

I asked him if he would agree to try a couples therapy session and he said he didn't think that it would help since he was the one with the issue, but that he would go and see anyway. So we went to the couples therapy this past tuesday. The session was with the therapist I have been seeing individually. The therapist asked him to be honest and clear with me and asked him if he wanted me to contact him at all or not. He said that he would prefer that I didn't contact him for a month because if I did, it wouldn't allow him to really focus on his issues and he would be worried about me. I told him that if he wanted to, he could contact me at any time but I would respect his wishes and leave him be for now. The therapist said that it seemed like we were on 2 different waves right now. She made it clear to him that I knew exactly what I wanted, and that was to do anything to fix our marriage and he said that he was still not sure what it was that he wanted. He said that this was all new to him and that he didn't know if he wanted to be in the relationship or not still. The therapist said that she was surprised at how well I handled the session since it was a pretty brutal one. I was just basically in shock and I didn't know how to react. He didn't ever tell me that he was thinking of ending our relationship, he just said that he "wanted some space".

 

So now, its been about 6 days of no contact. He has continued playing his turns with me on the words with friends game that we had open. So I mentioned that at my next session that I felt that was a mixed signal. She agreed that it was. I don't think he would read into that the same way I would. To him its just a game but to me its more than that.

 

He also mentioned several times that he wanted me to meet with his therapist too. I agreed that I would love to meet with her and he said that he would talk with her on this past Friday to see about setting up an appointment. I didn't hear anything from him or her after that so I was thinking about contacting her myself to see about an appointment. I wanted to wait a few more days though at least.

 

So thats where I am right now, barely functioning. Can't eat, can't sleep, everyone is trying to help me but I just feel like I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. Being at our house just makes things excruciatingly painful for me. Everything is a reminder of him. I've been sleeping on my sister's couch most nights and spending a lot of time with her.

 

I was hoping he would realize that I really would do anything for our relationship and that if only he would have communicated to me he was unhappy, I could have worked on things earlier instead of waiting until he exploded from keeping everything in.

 

Thanks for reading this super long post.

Edited August 12, 2013 by lostinpgh

[Misadventure]

I am so very sorry. Spend as much time with your family and friends as you can. Finding this forum is something positive, and it means you are out of bed at least.

[revitup]

This one is kind of tough.Hard to see anything really at this point.

 

I am sure things will get clearer in the days to come,hopefully he wakes up and runs home to find you waiting and you both learn from it all and become stronger.

 

Good luck and keep posting,it helps just to get it out there for me.

 

REVITUP

[lostinpgh]

Thanks for the replies so far!

 

He is being treated as far as going to see the therapist on a regular basis. She gave him the number of another doctor to prescribe pills if he wants. They did diagnose him with depression at the therapists office so I think part of his moving out was to try and deal with this depression and do things for himself and try to find some things to make him happy.

[lostinpgh]

Just thought I'd give a little update on where things are with my H and I.

 

I ended up having the most awful month - had to put one of my cats down as he had stomach cancer, had another cat with a burst tumor on his toe which also turned out to be cancer. My grandmother passed away after an attempted suicide which she recovered from and then went downhill.

To top all of that off, I fell at work in the middle of aug and had some small fractures on my foot and had to be off work for a bit over a month. Just got back to work last week and my foot is still sore but healing up.

 

I'm used to jogging and or bikeriding and I would do that everyday at lunch to get my mind clear. When I was off work, I couldn't do any of that because of my foot.

 

I didn't contact him at all for the whole month of aug but on the 30th after my grandma passed away I messaged him online and just filled him in on everything that was going on. He said "I'm sorry" for the crappy things that were happening to me. He also remained pretty cold and short in the convo. I didn't message him again until the middle of sept and then again it was just a message online. We talked a bit and he said he had been doing a lot better, his anxiety had come down and he was spending some time making new friends, working out etc. He said that his therapist had noticed a change in him. He did also mention that he was thinking about things of course, and that living alone was hard but he was managing. Told me that he asked his therapist about my meeting her and she said that "it wouldn't be a good idea".

 

In the meantime, my therapist suggested that we try to schedule a session with his therapist and him to see where he stands on things. My therapist seems to be forcing him into a timeline to make a decision and I don't feel like that will be the right thing to do. Anyways, he ends up declining the session so I didn't have to deal with it anyways.

 

I got a copy of "divorce remedy" and read that sucker in about 1 day. I've started getting a life of my own - going out with friends and family. Though at the same time there are still days where I wake up and immediately have to throw up. Sometimes I just randomly burst into tears. Some days I feel like I'll be ok no matter what happens. Its the unknown which is the scariest.

 

Fast forward to this week, I figured I would try something different when I talked with him. I messaged him online and just chatted about regular everyday stuff. Didn't bring up anything to do with our relationship. Just talked sports, music, movies, tv etc.. He was WAY more warm to me this time around. Gave me a few smiley faces and even some haha's in there. He asked me about how my foot was doing and gave me a compliment about how he thought I could manage the department I work in better than my boss. We ended the convo with wishing each other a good night. I haven't contacted him since then.

 

All of my friends and family are telling me I need to give him an ultimatum and he's just stringing me along while he figures himself out. His parents continue to text me and tell me they are embarrassed by his behavior actually.

In my heart, I don't feel like pushing him for an ultimatum will do any good. He asked me for space and said he needed to be on his own for a while. I'm trying my hardest to give him space, but also want to keep in touch with him but try to keep it light natured for now.

 

I read on here everyday but hardly ever post, but my thoughts are always on you guys and your struggles.

[Yarrow]

My husband suddenly told me that being with me didn't make him as happy as he thought it would, so he was moving out to "try to find a way to be happy". Some of the things your post really reminded me of that time. Chiefly, how he makes it all about him. One of the most helpful things someone told me was this:

 

You have 3 options:

1) You can wait for him to figure out what he wants, knowing that it could take a lifetime.

2) You can wait for him to figure out that what he wants does not include you, in which case, he makes the decision for you.

3) You can decide how much of this you are willing to take and then when you reach that point, you stop waiting for him and walk away.

And the third option is the only one in which you take back any control.

 

I found even though my thoughts were all a jumble, that way of putting it really helped put things into order and perspective. Everything started to crystallize. Hope that helps you like it did me.

[lostinpgh]

I have to say you seem to be handling everything pretty well

I'm pretty pissed at his "therapist" though.

1. She should of wanted to talk to you. at the very least did the meeting with the 4 of you.

2. She seems to have pushed him to separation (why?)

 

Anyway, I think the more you get your own life and keep moving on ......the more attractive you will be to him.

 

Sometimes talking to another girl gets the "what if" thinking going in their heads. They start thinking they might be happier single. there might be a better woman out there. You know, how it is.

 

Giving him plenty of space is a great start. I think I might drop a hint that I won't be waiting around for ever...........we call it "in limbo" and "fence sitting" here. Sometimes the best way to get a WS (wayward spouse) off the fence is to knock him over the head with divorce papers (I Know it's not what you want to do) it kind of slaps them back into reality.

 

Do you think there is another woman involved? Is he "dating"?

Is he taking medication for depression?

How long are you supposed to just "wait around"?

 

Being separated can help a marriage BUT it's not quite the same scenario if he KNOWS that he can have you back anytime he snaps his fingers...when HE decides to....I'd take that "guarantee" away from him. See if he cares. because honestly it sounds to me like he's getting farther away not closer to you or closer to coming home. It's not an ultimatum. You aren't demanding anything from him....just being honest." I'm not sitting here pining away for you and as a matter of fact I'm enjoying my freedom as well so I AGREE with you that this is a GOOD thing for BOTH of us"

 

I would turn the tables (part of the 180) on him. You know babe, I'm OK with it so you take all the time you need. In the meantime go get your hair and nails done, get some new duds and start doing fun things. Start a new hobby....look for another house to flip

 

Good luck, keep posting

 

Yeah I am not sure why his therapist recommended a separation. He told me that he had been thinking about getting his own place to do things for himself and then the therapist recommended it so he figured he would go ahead and do it.

Its not a legal separation either, its just a willy nilly one. I still don't have his address.

His therapist was ok with the meeting between the 4 of us (his and my therapist and us 2) which was something my therapist recommended we do, but he was the one that declined that meeting. After that, my next appointment with my therapist she said she was surprised I hadn't heard anything from H at all.

 

He isn't taking any medication as far as I know and isn't dating. He may be still talking with the "texting" girl, but I haven't asked. He could be going to visit her or her coming to visit him for all I know. It almost would ease my mind if I knew he was having an affair because then there would be a reason for all of this, you know?

 

This fence sitting is really the worst. He never gave me a clear indication of how long he wanted to "think about things" but he wasn't clear about anything from the start of it. When he wrote me, he finally told me what was upsetting him and that he was worried about how things would go in the future, but didn't mention divorce. Just told me he needed some time to be on his own and time to do some things on his own.

In his mind he probably thinks I should already know that he wants a divorce just because we are separated. This is the root cause of our problems in itself right there, simply not communicating.

 

I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut and colored and I should take a look at getting some acrylic nails as I've gnawed mine down to nothingness.

I love shopping for new clothes too, so I look forward to that!

[lostinpgh]

My husband suddenly told me that being with me didn't make him as happy as he thought it would, so he was moving out to "try to find a way to be happy". Some of the things your post really reminded me of that time. Chiefly, how he makes it all about him. One of the most helpful things someone told me was this:

 

You have 3 options:

1) You can wait for him to figure out what he wants, knowing that it could take a lifetime.

2) You can wait for him to figure out that what he wants does not include you, in which case, he makes the decision for you.

3) You can decide how much of this you are willing to take and then when you reach that point, you stop waiting for him and walk away.

And the third option is the only one in which you take back any control.

 

I found even though my thoughts were all a jumble, that way of putting it really helped put things into order and perspective. Everything started to crystallize. Hope that helps you like it did me.

 

Yep, things are all about him right now.

Did you end up getting divorced from your "need to find a way to be happy" husband?

 

I think I haven't yet reached my breaking point. I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can, but I wish that if he knew he didn't want to be with me he would just be honest about it. If he really wants to "work on himself" as he says then I have no problem with the separation and waiting.

 

Everywhere I go, the vets office, docs offices, grocery shopping, baseball games etc I just see people so happy and sharing things with each other. Can't remember the last time I felt like that.

[Still-I-Rise]

It sounds like he could be truly confused or struggling to tell you the truth.

 

My husband said all kinds of stuff, including that he'd been unhappy for awhile, he was burned out, etc., and needed to find a way to be happy.

 

He'd also said he needed to have a relationship with me outside the children.

 

I asked what that meant and he never gave me an answer.

 

What I LATER found out was that he had an apartment for another woman in 2011. He just purchased a Mercedes Benz with her and is living with her.

 

So much for needing to find happiness.

 

I would have never thought there was another woman - NEVER!

 

But, having since spoke with her on the phone have learned it is so.

 

I wish I would have taken care of myself and allowed him to stir in his madness, alone.

 

It wasn't fair to me or our children and he should not have had the right to make the decision(s) for me and us.

 

Take care of yourself and figure out what it is you want/don't want right now and get working on it/them.

 

So many people advised me similarly and yet I held off because I love and believed him.

 

There is a book about Runaway Husbands that helped me see things clearer after I found out he secretly filed for divorce. There are common signs and signals.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Still-I-Rise

[Yarrow]

Yep, things are all about him right now.

Did you end up getting divorced from your "need to find a way to be happy" husband?

 

I think I haven't yet reached my breaking point. I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can, but I wish that if he knew he didn't want to be with me he would just be honest about it. If he really wants to "work on himself" as he says then I have no problem with the separation and waiting.

 

Your situation is your own and you need to make your own decision. In my case, I figured out that what was happening was that he wanted to be free of the responsibilities of marriage and family, but was too chicken to commit to a divorce. He wanted to leave the door open to come back if he decided he didn't like it after all. I decided that he had used me for quite long enough and sent the divorce papers shortly after he moved out. He was delusional enough to be surprised. Not sure what the heck he expected me to do.

[lostinpgh]

Thanks for the replies! It helps me just to know that I'm not alone when I go through this.

If there was another woman, this would all make sense. I would be angry of course, but it would be a bit of a relief. I wouldn't feel all that sad about splitting up if he was not true to me.

[Misadventure]

You are not alone... and there are moments of "getting better". But you need to let those moments happen.

 

You will feel all the negative feelings.. and questioning ones...its normal.

 

It is a question we all ask ourselves.. will we ever be happy again?

 

Yes, I do believe we will find happiness... but as I am finding out.. it starts within ourselves.

 

It's kind of like... finding me all over again, liking and loving me.. and when and if I find someone to share things with.. it will be great...but I also know that I am a good person who has alot to offer and I won't ever devalue my self worth again.

 

Now, I still get down in the dumps... but it doesn't last forever like it used to.

[Yarrow]

I wouldn't feel all that sad about splitting up if he was not true to me.

 

Well, would you characterize what he's doing to you as "being true to you"?

 

I wouldn't. So if you do ultimately end up splitting, then don't feel so sad.

 

But it sounds like you've decided to wait on him for now. That's fine. Just keep your eyes open and do what you think you need to. I would advise your to base your decisions on his actions rather than his words though. Also, focus more on what is instead of what could be or what you wish would happen.

[lostinpgh]

You are not alone... and there are moments of "getting better". But you need to let those moments happen.

 

You will feel all the negative feelings.. and questioning ones...its normal.

 

It is a question we all ask ourselves.. will we ever be happy again?

 

Yes, I do believe we will find happiness... but as I am finding out.. it starts within ourselves.

 

It's kind of like... finding me all over again, liking and loving me.. and when and if I find someone to share things with.. it will be great...but I also know that I am a good person who has alot to offer and I won't ever devalue my self worth again.

 

Now, I still get down in the dumps... but it doesn't last forever like it used to.

 

This is almost word for word what my therapist has said to me, too.

I have to build a good me no matter what happens!

 

I often question myself about whether I'll ever feel happiness again. I go outside, see people laughing and living it up and want so much to fast forward and be there, too.

[lostinpgh]

Well, would you characterize what he's doing to you as "being true to you"?

 

I wouldn't. So if you do ultimately end up splitting, then don't feel so sad.

 

But it sounds like you've decided to wait on him for now. That's fine. Just keep your eyes open and do what you think you need to. I would advise your to base your decisions on his actions rather than his words though. Also, focus more on what is instead of what could be or what you wish would happen.

 

Yeah, its not really being all that true to me. Just leaving me behind in the dust wondering what the heck is happening.

 

I keep telling myself that when I was around that "texting" girl that there was like a sparkler going off inside me. Not sure if that was just jealousy or if that was my instincts talking.

[shattered Inside]

Hi,

i got some identifications from your post...

 

The person you are staying with from past ten years certainly started having problems with something which was not even discussed or conveyed earlier..

 

2.) instead of talking one to one writing letters whereas i believe 10 years relationship means a lot, don't requires letters untill and unless its a confession of wrong doing(cheating is generally the case where you can't talk eye to eye)

 

3.)getting ready for taking a professional help without any agitation seems very suspicious as if he tries to escape from some sort of situation with ease and leaving you nowhere..

 

I personally from my experience can tell that it doesn't seem the way it looks from outside or you see it is..

 

Please check out whether he is dating someone else especially the girl you talked about because its highly possible that he is not even sure himself too which way should he go.

 

As far as you are concerned don't cry and waste your energy on this because it will drain you apart.happened with me..Emotionally bankrupt people which you seems to be (I identify so no offence) suffers a lot with such kind of issues ..See your man he has decided so many things without even considering you in the picture and even has left a door opened with choice(you).Not even thinking that what would you go through with such kind of move?

Yes if he is actually going through what you said than you are dealing with it very nicely but what if otherwise???? ..I am not trying to put any doubts in your head but its a matter of your life so find out what all is going on ..Visit the professional he was meeting up ..Give a surprise visit where he is staying ..call up his friends and see if you find something ..you see some sort of detective work you need to do...I don't know you but than i can understand your pain and believe me this is exactly what i had gone through and later on find that my wife was cheating on me and wanted to settle down with another man ..came back after 6 months and its now 5 years we are together and its the same old story with her (you can read my post here) ..Remember once a cheater will always be cheater..Never be with person again who once cheat you in life and if you find out his is the case than say good bye ..No more chances because you will regret again later...

 

Take care of your self and Pray to God to guide you through this:)

 

Hugs'

[lostinpgh]

I'm trying my best to stay as distant as possible and not be nagging and clingy.

 

Honestly I don't even want to do any more investigating right now. If he is still talking with that girl then theres nothing I can do about it either way.

[shattered Inside]

Yes,that is the way to go about it but than you need to move on not sitting back in self pity because its the most deadly mode one could get in.by investigation i just meant that you should have some sort of right reason to move on and move on well in your life ..Believe me you i understand what love is and how you feel when betrayed or left alone and that too when comes from no where ..i carried a person who not only a cheated me many times but above all a typical alcoholic,but just because of my emotional bankruptcy i am at age of 38 with a son of 7 years standing no where in my life ....but yes mentally i have moved on and ready to face this truth... move on my friend if its a case of betrayal or cheating... its a suggestion which would save you from lot of sufferings ..start taking care of your life.. do things which at one stage of your life you wanted to do ..you see what i mean .find a way to happiness and believe me this is what our partners don't expect from us seeing the way we were with them....

 

May God Bless you ...will pray for you!!!!!!

 

Regards

[lostinpgh]

You are right, self pity is the worst mode.

I'm currently trying to figure out the things that I wanted to do but never got a chance to.

 

Thank you for your kind message!

[shattered Inside]

beautiful lines

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,Courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference"

 

"When the pain of remaining same becomes more than the pain of changing the person will change" ..so decide to change your self

 

I am also in between the process of legal separation and most likely will be finalized in next few days and i already have started doing things to get back to my life..So will stay in touch and will keep updating with you things we broken guys are supposed to do...

"This too shall pass"

 

May God bless you with all the happiness:)

[2.50 a gallon]

lost

 

From what I have read of your situation, whether he cheated or not, should not matter. The plain fact is he is not trust worthy.

 

I caught my Ex cheating, later when she wanted to reconcile, it was the hardest days of my life to say NO Way. I still loved her above all the women in the world, but I could no longer trust her. And even though she might not ever have cheated again, there was a part of me that had changed. Instead of being confident, I could see that in the future, when something out of the ordinary might come up between us, that little bit of suspicion would eventually doom us, as I surely would have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

 

As for the will I ever be happy again cloud. I was once there, and can actually remember wondering whether I might find a way to laugh again. To be happy again, was totally impossible

 

Boy was I wrong, I got my head out my sit down part, moved on in life, and it has been a wonderful life. Including being totally in love with a woman who is out of my league in the looks department for the past 18 years.

[lostinpgh]

Thanks so much for the support, everyone! Its just nice to know I don't walk this road alone.

I must remind myself that happiness is somewhere in my future.