goodnightrebecca Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) I've made a few threads on here almost immediately after my break up, but its almost been 2 1/2 weeks since the break and I feel really really weird about it all. For those of you who haven't read my original story, my Ex broke up with me seemingly out of the blue (although she had been telling everyone else for months while not mentioning any of it to me, or even giving me an indication that there was anything wrong, we never fought). She was my first real girlfriend, my first in bed and we spent two years together (16yo - 18yo). Now whats strange is exactly how I feel about it all after the fact. Ever since the break up I do miss her, a lot. But for some reason all that I think of is the memories and nostalgia that we both had and the way she looked (she was cute, had a look that I like)... I never once thought about "damn, I'm really going to miss her personality... or damn I'm really going to miss the way she laughs". See the thing is I never emotionally loved her (at least I don't think I did). We never really had that connection, she never opened herself up to anyone that way and she never gave me a chance to love her in that way. We were, and are, different people. I like music, movies and anything involving writing in general (since I love writing) -- while she is very logical and planned out, or "uptight" and "reserved"... never showing undying affection and also sometimes very mean (although I didn't see this side of her too much). Instead at the start of our relationship (and even throughout the first 2 years) what fuelled us was this sense of "new". Our first time sleeping together.. our first sleep over.. her first kiss.. her first boyfriend .. our first year away to university.. etc. etc... When she first brought up the "break" I was ambushed.. yet somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was inevitable.. and I'm sure maybe even relieved? But whats strange is whats happening to me now. I issued NC for almost 2 weeks now and I find myself dreaming about her every night and having this sick sense of longing to know what shes doing or whos shes texting right now. I found out that a few months ago (when we were still going strong) she told someone that her first kiss was a mistake, and this devastated me since I was always incredibly nice towards her. Since the break shes been hanging around with one of her guy friends (she only has two friends of her own) who she honestly has no intrest in, other than the attention she gets from him. And ever since then shes been acting, or seemingly acting, the way she did at the start of our relationship.. its like none of this is bothering her. Whats bothering me is the fact that I know in my heart of hearts this is for the best because we never had that emotional connection. But why is all that I think about the times when she looked the best (I know this is all shallow but I cant help it) and the memories in which a shade of that emotional connection was shown? Why does the thought of her eventually being with another man make me sick to my stomach and why has the rest of the female race automatically fail to compare to her looks? I don't understand why I am idealizing her so much. I'm scared this will never stop and I will continue to only care about her skin-deep connection to me, I'm afraid this will stop me from caring and loving for other girls. I don't want to wake up thinking about her and who she is with anymore. Is there anything someone can do to help me? I don't know if I can do better. Edited August 12, 2013 by goodnightrebecca
Virgil876 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 The way that you miss her and thinking what she is doing is normal, although I don't know if your doubt with your ability to emotionally connect with others girls are... You might need to seek professional help.
emi Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I totally can relate some of your post. When my relationship ends, i find it logically that this happen for the best, im better off without him etc, But a part of me still screaming for him. We got nothing in common and we see life so differently from each other, we werent compatible in anyway, but anyhow i choosen to stay, because i thought love can help us fix anything, but it didnt. After the break up, i feel the same as you. My head and my heart always in conflict. So i think its normal if u feel that way. I think you still emotionally unstable, just give abit more time, and see how thing go
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