jenn78 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Its been almost two months since my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. It was a very long and drawn out break up.. we talked for two weeks to see if we could try again but something was holding him back. The reason he broke up with me was because he said i was too quiet/shy around his friends/fam and it seemed like i couldn't hold a conversation with them. I didn't feel very welcomed by some of his friends so i shut down. Yes I am shy person but it is something i am working on. In addition, he said that i didn't ask him enough questions in our conversations so he felt like he was doing all the talking. Again something I can work on. It frustrates me because he won't give me another chance when i gave him a chance at an earlier point in our relationship. He takes this as we aren't mean't to be together and i'm not right for him. I don't know if its my head/heart playing games with me because i feel like we still have a chance. We got along great, had great chemistry.. he was my best friend. He and I both are very picky people when it comes to who we date.. this was both our first serious relationship. Maybe he will realize that he did have it great... (GIGS?) He figures breaking up now is better than a crappy cycle of getting back together and breaking up... but how does he know that will happen... So what do you guys think? do you think sometime in the future he may come around or is it over? sidenote: I have been moving on in a sense but this feeling is still nagging me. I hangout with my friends more, go out, exercise and do activities for myself.
worldexploded Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Only time will tell. I would just cut off all contact with him for now, don't let him in to your life and don't pay attention to his. If he really loves you he should come around. But I feel like there is more to why he broke up with you. Who breaks up with someone because they are shy? That's ridiculous. He should have known that when you first started dating. He's an idiot for judging you like that. Did you tell him you didn't feel welcome around his friends? If so he should have made an effort to make you feel more comfortable. You can't force someone to switch their personality for the sake of a SO friends, especially if you haven't been rude or disrespectful. That's your who you are. There is nothing wrong with trying to break out of your shyness, if you feel that is something you need to change then go for it. However, I wouldn't hold your breath for this guy. I know you care for him but if he ever really loved you he should come back. For now just focus on yourself and keep him out of your mind.
Misfortune Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Only time will tell. I would just cut off all contact with him for now, don't let him in to your life and don't pay attention to his. If he really loves you he should come around. But I feel like there is more to why he broke up with you. Who breaks up with someone because they are shy? That's ridiculous. He should have known that when you first started dating. He's an idiot for judging you like that. Did you tell him you didn't feel welcome around his friends? If so he should have made an effort to make you feel more comfortable. You can't force someone to switch their personality for the sake of a SO friends, especially if you haven't been rude or disrespectful. That's your who you are. There is nothing wrong with trying to break out of your shyness, if you feel that is something you need to change then go for it. However, I wouldn't hold your breath for this guy. I know you care for him but if he ever really loved you he should come back. For now just focus on yourself and keep him out of your mind. People break up with others for any reason they can think off. If someone wants to leave, they'll take the smallest things and make them into deal breakers. People are fickle and also love to find ways to blame shift. 1
Heysimon Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 The way I look at it , as long you are both alive there is always a chance.... your best chance if he is ever going to come back is to leave him go NC.. if he doesnt at least you are on the path to healing...
Jenny1234 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Just keep moving forward. That's the only option he has given you. I'm in a similar situation 3.5 months out. I feel the same as you but I keep reminding myself I can't force someone to be with me. If he wants to come back he certainly knows how to find me. Stay strong and keep pushing ahead. 1
Author jenn78 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 thanks for everyone's response. I bet there was probably more to it. He is going through a bit of a quarter life crisis.. graduating uni and doesn't know what the next step is. During our many deep conversations through out drawn out break up he said "what if i come back in a year and you aren't here"... odd. I think part of him wants to go explore and for some reason he thinks I was holding him back which i would never do. Maybe he got tired of monogamy so i guess him ending was better than cheating on me even though this situation hurts a lot. I was never rude to his friends... it was hard to find things to talk to them about. I met his "best" friends who live out of town and I felt SO much more welcomed by them. His family always made me feel like i was being interviewed and not good enough so i struggled to talk to them. Sorry for this giant reply. But thanks for everyone's advice
Author jenn78 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 but he has said... he as a gut feeling we aren't meant to be and i am great but i wasn't right for him and breaking up now is better than a terrible cycle of getting back together and breaking up.... so maybe it is OVER over
JDPT Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I clearly understand how you are feeling as I was in a similar situation. Throughout my previous relationship there were a ton of issues my ex and I neglected to address. She was coming out of an unhappy marriage and I was getting over a marriage which I detested. I honestly think what drew us together was the need to fill the void she and I had. We met and there was this immediate attraction. What we failed to realize and address was all the baggage her and I were bringing into our now relationship. She eventually dumped me roughly 3.5 months ago being in a 4 yr relationship. I was devastated as I believed we never invested the time to work things out with her taking the easy way out. I spend a lot of sleepless nights trying to figure out why she didn't care to at least work it out like many other couples do in times of distress. What I realized was that I just didn't understand, there were no answers for her actions and later realized that it was ok for me to not understand how things unfolded. Now, I don't torture myself asking why? I managed to accepted her decision, respect it and internalize for my sake. We all have our unique flaws many will be willing to work with us and many wont it's all situational. The objective now is to improve yourself for you and only you. No one else matters only those who truly love and care for you and you know who those are. Take this time to focus on yourself and accomplish the many things you couldn't when you were in a relationship, go full force ahead and never look back. Leave history where it belongs. 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 My ex and I talked for a few evenings prior to breaking up. First he gave as reasons things about me that annoy him, I said I could work on them, then he said we had bad habits, I said we could work on them, eventually (and that's when he actually left) he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. (Whilst I understand people fall out of love, I still maintain it's silly to be based on attraction, you can gain it back so easily). What is the truth of the matter? His heart just wasn't in it anymore. He didn't want to fight for us like I did. It doesn't matter why. And this is the universal rule of non-mutual breakups: one of the two just doesn't want to pull the weight in anymore. And you can't be holding the relationship up all alone. It's tough, but you'll be better off thinking that it's over. 2
Author jenn78 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 yeah its true... it definitely can't be one person trying to make a relationship work. My silly head keeps going to stories of couples I know where the guy left for a while and then came crawling back. My gut feels like this isn't goodbye but i think my small bit of hope is creating that feeling. I don't think i quite grasp relationships.. its weird how someone goes from being your world to nothing in a few seconds...
OzHeartache Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 its weird how someone goes from being your world to nothing in a few seconds... I feel you, Its really unfair and hard to take, I've had it happen 2 times in about 6 months ...... Very Tough
Misfortune Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 My ex and I talked for a few evenings prior to breaking up. First he gave as reasons things about me that annoy him, I said I could work on them, then he said we had bad habits, I said we could work on them, eventually (and that's when he actually left) he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. (Whilst I understand people fall out of love, I still maintain it's silly to be based on attraction, you can gain it back so easily). What is the truth of the matter? His heart just wasn't in it anymore. He didn't want to fight for us like I did. It doesn't matter why. And this is the universal rule of non-mutual breakups: one of the two just doesn't want to pull the weight in anymore. And you can't be holding the relationship up all alone. It's tough, but you'll be better off thinking that it's over. Your post says it all about the dumpers/cheaters/leavers/w.e. They just want out and will use any excuse. A lot of things can be fixed and worked if both parties wanted things to work. The reality is that they DON'T. They plan months ahead and remove themselves emotionally while you're stuck playing catch up. It sucks. 2 to stay; 1 to end it all.
Author jenn78 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 its so hard to get used to especially when you know the dumper misses you too and the break-up wasn't easy for them.
Zahara Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 its so hard to get used to especially when you know the dumper misses you too and the break-up wasn't easy for them. Yeah, the dumper "may" miss you and the break-up "may" not be easy for them but it was certainly much easier to deal with all that then to stay in the relationship with you. Don't get caught up with those fantasy type thoughts.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Actually, that kind of thinking has really helped me. I think of how ****ty my ex probably feels. (Although maybe not anymore, but at least for a couple of days after the breakup he did). Well, that, how ****ty he feels, is BETTER than he was feeling before, otherwise he wouldn't have left, or he would have tried to come back. Sorry for him he felt so bad, angry like hell he never let out a peep about it before it was too late. I don't think necessarily dumpers plan it months ahead, mine didn't, but they're certainly somewhere else emotionally.
Recommended Posts