greyskys62 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Hi, all—this is my first post here. I’ve talked about this so much with other people already, but I’m hoping some outside perspective will help. I apologize now for the length of this story. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. We’ve known each other forever, but it wasn’t until last year that I randomly bumped into him and we caught up. We started hanging out, hooking up a little, but then, he dropped off the face of the earth. He was working three jobs, taking a class, playing sports, etc.… he just didn’t seem to have a time or place for me in his life. It hurt, because I was truly interested in him, and I felt like we had the potential to be something great. He started texting me again a few months later. I was still so hurt by him, but something deep inside of me still wanted to give it a chance. We started talking again, but just like the first time, I showed more interest. I was the one initiating, taking control, and putting in effort. It frustrated me beyond belief that he wasn’t aggressive in pursuing me, yet he still showed interest by continuing to text/call me and coming over every now and again to hang out. I finally got to the point where I wanted to put a label on what we were doing. He balked, squirmed, couldn’t do the whole “I want you to be my girlfriend” bit, so I basically declared it myself, and that’s how our relationship began. Romantic, huh? I resented him a little for not pursuing me and chasing me the way every girl wants, but whatever—I was still excited that we were officially together, and he said he was happy too. The first 3 months of the relationship were wonderful—you know, the rose-colored glasses stage. But then, after some time passed, I started to feel bored and disappointed because we NEVER went out on dates. To this day, we’ve been on maybe 4 dates? He still doesn’t initiate much—rarely calls, rarely texts on his own, and pretty much never initiates going out and doing anything. His job is very demanding—the hours suck, and when he’s not working, he’s exhausted. But he gets two days off a week, and he never prioritizes me for those days. He also bought a house last year that’s a fixer-upper, so his money goes into that, as well as his free time. I’ve offered to help him with his house just to spend time with him, but that would mean he’d have to invite me over—and he doesn’t. The thing is, he TELLS me that he loves me, he can’t see himself with anyone else, he sees me in his future, he only wants me, etc… yet he doesn’t SHOW it at all. There is literally nothing keeping me in this relationship anymore—I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him because he’s just never around and we don’t do anything. It’s not fair. I’ve been in enough relationships, and I’m old enough (in my late 20’s) that I know what I want, need, and deserve. But I’m having a hard time actually breaking it off. I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. I’ve known him for so long, he has such a wonderful family who loves me, and he has so many great qualities—he’s polite, social, hardworking, smart, funny, and kind. Earlier in our relationship, I was so sure that he was “the one” because I had never felt like this about anyone before. But our relationship has proven that he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend, and I’m tired of always being let down. It’s a repeat of last year, but this time, he’s telling me he loves me and he wants me in his life. And by the way, I’ve talked to him about this NUMEROUS times, so he’s very aware of what the issue is, but nothing ever changes. He thinks coming over to my place and hanging out for an hour makes it all better, but it never happens consistently enough to actually make a change. Any advice?
BradJacobs Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 You wanted this and, by your own admission, pushed for it. You're expecting more from someone who never put in the effort to begin with. If you can't handle this anymore then walk. It's pretty simple. However don't blame the guy for his lack of chasing or pursuing you or taking you out on dates. You accepted all of these things in the beginning and got into a relationship knowing who he was. 1
MidwestUSA Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Oh honey, you set the precedent yourself. You pursued, you declared the bf/gf thing. He never had to lift a finger, and now you want all of that, the "dating thing". It's not going to happen. If he were to change, it's not going to mean a thing, because you missed the honeymoon stage! Time to move on if romance is what you want. So sorry! 1
Axee Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Thats why you need to let the man do the intiation.. Not gender stereotyping but in cases of women like you ( and me) .. We are a bit aggressive types so we have a tendency of labeling and chalking out things just because we want it right then and there.. Tone down the pushyness in the future I have been in your situation and dont get me wrong..I understand the anxiety, frustration , that no matter what happens nothing works out, "Am i making wrong decsion" etc kind of thoughts.. Point is.. For you your life is important. Focus on your life right now. Do what you have to do for your life. Do not talk to him saying "I want to break up" , that again will not fetch you any importance from him.. Stay cool, calm , collected and focus on yourself. Judge each situation carefully Initiate only at times, let him do the intiating most of the times... and he will do , he will surely wonder whats up.. This is not game playing . For people who do not value words, they have to be taught by actions. In some time, it will get very clear to you whether its a WRONG or a RIGHT decision.
BluEyeL Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I would say, you have one last talk to him and ask him if there is any way you two could go out more and he could initiate more get togethers. No crying, no drama, just say how you think/feel and ask if there is a way to fix it. If he accuses you and is saying that he cannot or won't change anything, it's really time to move on, you don't want the same things and the relationship will always be unbalanced and it's going to end after years that you wasted. I know that you won't be able to break it off right away, but prepare mentally and when you are ready, break it off. You will find someone else, it's inevitable. I'm sorry for you
Axee Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 BlueEyeL, Believe me the "last talks" will keep happening and nothing will change
BluEyeL Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 BlueEyeL, Believe me the "last talks" will keep happening and nothing will change Well, I know, it needs to be just one and walk, go no contact. I think it's really time to walk. When ready emotionally. I know people cannot walk overnight.
Author greyskys62 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Wow, yeah--thanks for your responses. The "last talks" have happened multiple times now, and nothing has changed. It hurts to hear the truth--that I set this precedent in the first place by taking charge--but I guess it's time to accept it and move on. I am naturally a take-control kind of person, and also tend to be impatient, so I do push. But I want (and need, and deserve) a man--someone who is going to be the aggressor. Thank you for listening and for opening my eyes. 1
BluEyeL Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Wow, yeah--thanks for your responses. The "last talks" have happened multiple times now, and nothing has changed. It hurts to hear the truth--that I set this precedent in the first place by taking charge--but I guess it's time to accept it and move on. I am naturally a take-control kind of person, and also tend to be impatient, so I do push. But I want (and need, and deserve) a man--someone who is going to be the aggressor. Thank you for listening and for opening my eyes. Good luck, you'll find someone else, it's just a question of time. Next time, don't chase him and be patient. It's damn hard to do, the hardest thing. 2
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