My bf says he would never party with me. What is wrong with me??

[babydoll88]

He's the one I want. And he says repeatedly that he wants to grow old with me. Yea I have self esteem issues but so would anyone who has been through what I have. I didn't need to lay out all my personal stuff on here. And yes I mentioned doing stupid **** because that's what my my emotions want. And what came out of my dumb mouth last night. But truly I would be just as happy with more mature things. Still nightlife but mature. And that is what I was trying to get at yesterday. Cause there was a bar with a library in it which I thought he would really enjoy. But when he said he would never do **** like thst with me I assumed he was shutting off all possible bars. Maybe it was a miscommunication. In any case it irked me when he said he wouldnt party with me. He just pushed my button and there was no going back. And I told him right back, "hey I took you to my Xmas party even if you were nervous to go cause you thought you wouldnt fit in the corporate culture. Did I ever say this was something I would never do twith you just cause you might be awkward?"

[KungFuJoe]

Ok I'm gonna reply to all of the posts together rather than quote ... I don't want to do it because everyone else is doing it. I want to experience it before it's too late. A 30 year old woman at the club with kids?? I mean yes I have been clubbing and it was not my scene. I felt uncomfortable. I was single and went with gfs. I have been to bars on dates before. It was uncomfortable. I just can't sit there, drink, and stare at a screen. My mind is just too wired for that. But at the same time I don't know why he is so so stubborn about going out and drinking with me or doing the nightlife stuff. He has done all of thst and so much more. Granted he had a huge group of friends. He lived in the ghetto and people brought drugs and guns to these parties. He doesn't even talk to these people anymore. He's turned a leaf and is in school. Which I'm supportive of and proud of him for. But if he loves me wouldn't he want to try stupid **** with me too? Plus what makes me so diff from the girls he used to party with? The fact that I'm not hot enough? I have nothing in common with people who go to those kinda parties? I'm too serious? I might judge? Or is it simply that those girls were his one night stands and the way he used to act around them is not something he wants me to see? I don't know which one it is. But it made me feel like ****.

 

Wow...welcome to LS. By the way, anyone ever tell you that you overthink things too much?

[Sanman]

And I told him right back, "hey I took you to my Xmas party even if you were nervous to go cause you thought you wouldnt fit in the corporate culture. Did I ever say this was something I would never do with you just cause you might be awkward?"

 

You are making this about you. Clearly, you believe he is saying no because he is embarrassed of you. Did you ever consider that maybe he is saying no because it was not a good part of his life and it would not be good for your relationship? He changed his life, cleaned himself up, and found a girl that did not like to do the stupid things that got in the way of him getting his life together. Except now she wants to drag him back to all that.

 

I used to party a lot when I was younger too and with a variety of people. I will not bring my current gf around many of those people or parties because it is a bad influence and I don't want to mess things up. Sure, he partied with those girls. He may have also watched them get gangbanged by his friends while there were drunk or passed out on a couch, he may have gotten black out drunk and cheated on girls or been cheated on, he may have ended up doing some drugs and messing up his academic career. Maybe those relationships were volatile and unhealthy. Are these things you really want him to bring into your relationship?

 

It is clear the two of you are from different worlds and I am not sure you understand where he is coming from when he says that he does not want to go back there. Even the Christmas party sounds like an experience you pushed him into because it was what you wanted. You need to step into his shoes and understand that not everything he says is about you. He may be embarrassed about his past. Furthermore, you need to decide if you are interested in a relationship or going out and partying at this stage in your life. If it is the latter, break up with him. If it is the former, stop pushing the issue. But, make a decision before he makes it for you.

[babydoll88]

You are making this about you. Clearly, you believe he is saying no because he is embarrassed of you. Did you ever consider that maybe he is saying no because it was not a good part of his life and it would not be good for your relationship? He changed his life, cleaned himself up, and found a girl that did not like to do the stupid things that got in the way of him getting his life together. Except now she wants to drag him back to all that.

 

For the record, I did not push him into attending my corporate party. I simply asked if he wanted to go after telling him about the venue. In fact, he is up for it again this year! Yes, the way he said it seemed like he was embarrassed to bring me around cause I wouldnt know how to act. Does anyone know how to act in a new situation though? And maybe part of me is pushing it just to see WHY he is so resistant to it. He never ever explained himself. He simply said he didnt want to go and that too, with me. That response isnt enough for me. It doesnt give me any sense as to where he is coming from. I then naturally make these crazy assumptions that its me who is the problem. And even if it is my personality, have the balls to say it! Not be a dick and say it in a mean way .. if hes going to be immature about the discussion then so will I. I am tired of being good and understanding etc. Do you know how much **** I have had to "understand" this summer because he is going through something?? I am willing to do it cause I love him, I am always there for him. But dont say mean things just to get under my skin, after all I put up with ... I dont deserve that. I am willing to listen to a mature man, not an imbecile throwing a tantrum.

[babydoll88]

Right now he is still prob mad and irritated from last night ... especially because I slept on the couch and not next to him in the bed. The one thing that he hates that I do. And I didnt say good bye this morning when I left. Another thing that pisses him off. So, I did it on purpose. I had a right to be mad with the way he talked to me. I am not saying I acted well but at least I was willing to talk about it. He wasnt. He wanted to sleep. So do I just back off, give him space and let him come to me?

[tbf]

Right now he is still prob mad and irritated from last night ... especially because I slept on the couch and not next to him in the bed. The one thing that he hates that I do. And I didnt say good bye this morning when I left. Another thing that pisses him off. So, I did it on purpose. I had a right to be mad with the way he talked to me. I am not saying I acted well but at least I was willing to talk about it. He wasnt. He wanted to sleep. So do I just back off, give him space and let him come to me?

Do the two of you live together?

[babydoll88]

No we don't ... he lives at home. He spends Fri night through Mon mornings with me every week. When classes start he stays with me a lotttt more. But I guess what irritated me the most is he made a mountain out of a molehill yesterday night, ruined out weekend end and now I won't get to see him till Friday. I can't forgive him for that right now. I'm too pissed.

[Balzac]

Is he attending the same college you did?

 

Is this your second year out of college? So two years into your first career job?

The job you moved away from home for?

[babydoll88]

No hes just getting back into school the past two years. He's in community college. I moved here for my masters and after finishing that I got a job in software. I moved from the east coast to the west alone, no family or friends out here. I needed a change. And it's been the best thing for me career wise. But it's been a biatchh socially lol.

[babydoll88]

I never forced him to do anything. I simply asked why we don't go to bars or parties. He and I had already discussed clubbing and resolved that difference. But bars and parties were a different atmosphere and I wanted to hear it out of his own mouth as to why he was resistant.

 

Update: He just called me to apologize for acting out last night (he really did act out, cursing etc) and he said he wasn't mad about the comment at all. He had just found out his bank acct was almost depleted. He never mentioned that to me and I had no clue he was upset when we were talking. Now that's thrown me for a loop. Sigh. Why can't he open his friggin mouth and communicate that he was going thru something?? I'm not a mind reader. I wouldn't have taunted a question like that otherwise.

[KungFuJoe]

Man this is one of the silliest topics I've ever heard on LS, and that's saying something.

 

I mean, op doesn't even LIKE partying, and is complaining that her bf, who already admitted that he is over it himself, doesn't want to party with her.

 

It's just mind boggling how some people go out of their way to fight about something.

[babydoll88]

Yea it's truly mind boggling what people fight about. Because the issues couples shd fight about and post on here for are really quite black and white right? If a topic is silly to you, why post? Nothing better to do? Cause I honestly sought out some constructive advice, even if it meant that my actions would be scrutinized. Because tbh i actually protected my bf on here. The way he acted, regardless of my comment, was not appropriate. And he knows it. I posted on here to get positive, honest advice and clarity, something that humans lose when emotions get involved. So if you're not interested in reading or responding as such, F off. Thanks KungFuJoe.

[babydoll88]

When did asking a question become an attack? The reason I used the word "taunt" in an earlier post is because thats what my bf thought I was doing. When in reality if he had answered my question maturely I would have followed through with, "hey I know you feel uncomfortable going to a bar because of this and this but I know of this cool little place with a different scene from normal bars, would you consider going"? (It's a little hole in the wall bar with a "library" in it) . But I first wanted to hear why he was dead set against any bar. I mean if it was a traumatic incident that happened like a shooting, then I would never follow up about the library bar. So I was kinda gauging the situation but he never really gave me a chance.

[babydoll88]

Yes, responding to the question, "how come.you don't like to go to bars or parties anymore"is so complicated a question. I ask a lot of questions because I never just take things as they are. I'm a scientist. That's just me. I overthink. So I expected a mature response. Not him taking his financial frustration out on me at that moment. I'll attribute it to bad timing. We'll see. But ruining our weekend that way ... Nice move on his part.

[babydoll88]

Not really ... just wanted a reason, it could have been anything really, even a lie. Not that I would have known if he did lie. But its def not something you flip out over. And its def not a reason for him to say hurtful things. He assumed, as did you all, that I wanted to argue over this. Im not that dumb ... it was my last night with him for a week ... I wouldnt have risked a fight even if I was pissed off. But then, when you say ****ty things, thats not something Im gonna stand for

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, I have a headache reading your posts -- I can't even imagine how your boyfriend feels having to have a conversation about you. You are being immature and creating drama out of absolutely nothing. He doesn't want to go out and drink and go to bars with you. Either deal with it or find someone more on your wavelength on this topic -- don't bully and browbeat and cause drama in a childish fit.

 

He's obviously moved on from that point of his life for a certain reason. Stop trying to suck him back into it and stop trying to make him feel bad for not wanting to do something that you don't really even seem to want to do. I mean, if he was a recovering alcoholic would you try to force him to have a beer with you? Or maybe do a line of cocaine if he was a recovering drug addict? Have respect for his boundaries and stop trying to make him explain them or feel bad about having them. Maybe if you didn't harass and nag him he'd open up more as to why. Right now you are picking at him and he's lashing out at you because it pisses him off. Stop.

 

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to go to bars and act out. But if he doesn't want to, it's bullsh*t of you to try to force him to do so or try to bully an explanation as to why. He'll tell you when he wants to. Either you need to find some friends you can do this with or you need to find a guy whose life mission and goals are more congruent to yours. But you need to stop being that naggy, sh*t-stirring drama queen.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[SpiralOut]

I am wondering if this is a roundabout way of asking your boyfriend for advice on how to be more interesting at parties. If you are looking for advice, I would ask him directly how you could get into the party scene. It is rarely helpful to be told what is wrong with you, and most people don't want to answer that question.

Edited August 14, 2013 by SpiralOut

[babydoll88]

So my bf came over last night. He apologized for his behavior that night and I apologized for my convoluted train of thought. I told him what you guys said ... he wasnt mad lol. He thought it was kind of funny that 1) I had to ask in a roundabout way whether he would occasionally like to check out some neat bars with me and 2) that I took his comment about not partying with me so personally. He said its basically because I am a "square", I am uptight and dont know how to loosen up. He said that it was totally OK to be that way, and that he himself was a square. The only reason he would go to parties is because his friends would go and because it was lucrative for what he was doing at that time (no details required). He said other than that, he would just stand around and drink, that he was pretty boring. He said me being a square is one of the things he likes about me, that he and I can have fun in other ways. And if I really want to check out some lounges or neat bars on occasion, that he would be up for it. We had a really healthy convo about it and I told him I over think and I was sorry I tried to ask him in such a roundabout way, that I would try to be more forthcoming/blunt about it. But I do feel a whole lot better now. I guess I am who I am. I dont know why I want to change that. Thats something I should prob work on...