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My bf says he would never party with me. What is wrong with me??

babydoll88

By babydoll88
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babydoll88 Member

babydoll88

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My boyfriend is 25 and I am 26. We have been together for a little over 2 years now. He used to be a big partier. Mostly house parties. He would go to clubs too but he's told me its only because his friends would go, he doesn't like the scene and is no fun/awk in a club. By the time he was 21/22 he grew out of the scene, he just got tired of all the partying and stupidity. He got back into school and is on a good path, he never parties and he doesn't care to want to any more. I am 26 and have been a sheltered girl all my life, well educated and come from a good family, good neighborhood. School and grades were always a priority. I never got to do the things other people did like play beer pong, go to a house party and get drunk etc. I have gone to clubs and bars, but theyre just not my scene. I am just too bored and stiff at places liek that and I don't have any fun. So I stopped going 2 years ago as well. However, part of me still wants to do stupid sh*t because I never got the chance to (even though right now I have a great career going for me which I would be putting at risk). So my boyfriend and I have argued over the clubbing issue, he just doesn't want to go and he says if I really want to go, then I shd go with friends (which I don't have many of, or they are guys mostly) and he says if I don't like clubs, why do I want to go so bad? So we resolved that argument a year ago ... until last night.

Last night I asked him what he did for his 21st birthday. He said he was working on a car, drank a beer. wasn't interested in parties anymore, he had outgrown it. So I piped up, "Ohh, so you used to party and go to bars, how come you never wanna go with me" ... he got SO PISSED. SO IRRITATED. It just flipped a switch in him. He said, oh you're gonna start this sh*t again? I thought we already discussed it, why do you need to bring it up again? And he's like, its simple, I just don't want to go blah blah I find it boring to sit at a bar etc. I kept pushing the issue though, I kept asking WHY he didn't want to go with ME and finally he just said, "cause I would never party with you" and I said, "oh but youd party with other girls" and he said, "yea, I have partied with other girls in the past, and I would party with my sisters before I ever partied with you". He seemed really serious, dead set on that. It made me feel like sh*t. I mean, wtf is wrong with me? Why can't he party with me? What is it those other girls have that I dont? I got mad and asked him all these questions ... he was like, I just don't want to talk right now, you are never happy and its never enough for you. He just shut down for the night, I couldn't get a decent talk out of him and I felt judged. OK, so I am a good girl, I like sophisticated things, house parties are not my scene, I come from a diff background than he does. But did he have to say that? Am I overreacting here? Cause he just ruined an awesome weekend this way ...

(P.S. He and I do a BUNCH of other things together and have a great time! We even drink a beer together at a meal, or enjoy wine .. its just the getting drunk and stupid part he doesnt want to do).

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

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You are making too big of a deal out of this. Take him at his word that he does not want to party and is grown out of it. Why argue about this? Why push him on this point? Let him be and do not take this personal.

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TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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You don't like house parties, and you feel uncomfortable in clubs - so where is it exactly that you want to party?

 

I don't get it.

 

I understand the part of feeling like you missed out.

I didn't party in university because I needed to concentrate on my degree - but then I graduated, got a job and the flood gates opened, and I was 21 - so it still wasn't too late (but before that I did feel like I was missing out).

 

I think your bf is just annoyed with the topic.

You've discussed it for a long time and finally agreed that he's grown out of it and he's ok with you partying with your friends, he just doesn't like that scene anymore.

 

But then all of a sudden you had to bring it up again (when he thought that it was FINALLY put to rest) - that can be annoying, because it's exhausting to keep fighting the same fight, and it's not like he's saying to you not to go out and party, he just doesn't want to do that anymore.

 

But in all truth, I think it wouldn't kill him to go out with you once, but I dunno, he just seems really stubborn about that.

 

I don't know that if it's you. I think he said those things to be hurtful (which is a d**k move)

 

But you admit that you're uncomfortable in the party scene - so why do you want to make yourself "party" so badly?

 

I think you should drop the issue with him, and find friends to go and party with.

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Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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you are never happy and its never enough for you

 

That's honesty. You need to go to Vegas or Monte Carlo w friends or cut this guy loose and live the party life.

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babydoll88 Member

babydoll88

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Thank you for your posts. He has done that before, said hurtful things just to be a dick so I would shut up and drop the topic. He will prob apologize for that knowing him. And for his behavior -- shutting off and not acting maturely.

The reason I do want to experience this stuff is just to get it out of my system. No regrets. I dont have many gfs, the are all back in my home state about 500 miles away. I have mostly guy friends here. Who would I rather want to do stupid **** with though ... my bf whom I am comfortable around or random guys?? Does that make sense?

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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So you pushed him and pushed him and pushed him and then you didn't like the answer that you got. This kind of behavior will make you single real quick, especially when he starts feeling like he can't ever be honest with you because you will get mad every time he is.

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Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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I dont have many gfs, the are all back in my home state about 500 miles away. I have mostly guy friends here. Who would I rather want to do stupid **** with though ... my bf whom I am comfortable around or random guys?? Does that make sense?

 

Only from your perspective. It's not his problem that you lack girlie friends or party folks.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Thank you for your posts. He has done that before, said hurtful things just to be a dick so I would shut up and drop the topic. He will prob apologize for that knowing him. And for his behavior -- shutting off and not acting maturely.

The reason I do want to experience this stuff is just to get it out of my system. No regrets. I dont have many gfs, the are all back in my home state about 500 miles away. I have mostly guy friends here. Who would I rather want to do stupid **** with though ... my bf whom I am comfortable around or random guys?? Does that make sense?

 

I think that if you really want to experience things - you should and you should get that out of your system.

 

However, since the bf went through that phase already now you need to experience it with someone else.

 

You can party and be dumb with your guy friends since you bf seems ok with that

 

You could just drop it (but later you might really regret that) - so I wouldn't exactly recommend that option

 

or you can go find some party guy to date and move on.

 

So you have to decide just how important is the party thing to you.

 

I really don't get why your bf is being so freakin stubborn about this, I mean, I can't imagine having a boyfriend that wouldn't suck it up for 1 night to go and do something I'd like to do/try.

 

But there we have it - this is your bf and where things are.

 

If you're deciding that you're happy with your boyfriend and that you will drop this issue - then you REALLY need to drop this issue, not just drop it for now...

KungFuJoe Established Member

KungFuJoe

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Let me get this straight.

 

You don't even like clubbing or partying, but you want to get it out of your system?

 

Sounds like you just wanna do it because everyone else is doing it...not because you actually like it.

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PlumPrincess Established Member

PlumPrincess

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its just the getting drunk and stupid part he doesnt want to do.

He sucks big time! Dump him! :bunny:

 

 

 

:rolleyes:

 

When he said he'd rather party with his sister before paryting with you, you should have realized that you were getting on his nerves, like, A LOT.

 

He's done with doing stupid things, but you're still this little girl. You're too afraid of going out on your own, you do not respect his wishes and instead you try to make him do stupid things that he has no interest in anymore.

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babydoll88 Member

babydoll88

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Ok I'm gonna reply to all of the posts together rather than quote ... I don't want to do it because everyone else is doing it. I want to experience it before it's too late. A 30 year old woman at the club with kids?? I mean yes I have been clubbing and it was not my scene. I felt uncomfortable. I was single and went with gfs. I have been to bars on dates before. It was uncomfortable. I just can't sit there, drink, and stare at a screen. My mind is just too wired for that. But at the same time I don't know why he is so so stubborn about going out and drinking with me or doing the nightlife stuff. He has done all of thst and so much more. Granted he had a huge group of friends. He lived in the ghetto and people brought drugs and guns to these parties. He doesn't even talk to these people anymore. He's turned a leaf and is in school. Which I'm supportive of and proud of him for. But if he loves me wouldn't he want to try stupid **** with me too? Plus what makes me so diff from the girls he used to party with? The fact that I'm not hot enough? I have nothing in common with people who go to those kinda parties? I'm too serious? I might judge? Or is it simply that those girls were his one night stands and the way he used to act around them is not something he wants me to see? I don't know which one it is. But it made me feel like ****.

PlumPrincess Established Member

PlumPrincess

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You're annoying and you don't respect your boyfriend. Not everything is about you. He doesn't want to do crazy sh*t anymore, so why don't you leave him alone?

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babydoll88 Member

babydoll88

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Yes I annoyed the **** out of him yesterday. But he blew something small out of proportion. The way he reacted was frikin childish. I was appalled and willing to let the whole convo go if he just calmed down. I was seriously like wtf?!

In another aspect ... I work in the corporate world. And even tho my bf doesn't come from sophistication or a world of etiquette or manners and even tho he felt awk to come to my corporate Xmas party because he foesnt have a degree yet, I still took him! I was never embarrassed and those thoughts about him not being sophisticated or educated never once crossed my mind. He was the one who was nervous and I was by his side all night. I introduced him to everyone and made him feel comfortable. In a sense he is entering my world very smoothly because I have made it so. But he doesn't want me to enter his old world and he doesn't want to enter it either. Unless he's around his dumbass cousins who still act like morons at 24. Then his whole persona changes, the way he talks, it's more slangish etc. I feel like he's trying to escape his old world and into mine. But he can never really escape it can he?

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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Basically I'm seeing this attitude of " I don't Care that he doesn't want to, because I want to, and that's all that matters "

 

 

He said he doesn't want to do that kind of stuff anymore. So stop pushing him. You need friends and events and nights of your OWN. To demand he does something he doesn't want to in order to make you happy is selfish.

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PlumPrincess Established Member

PlumPrincess

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But he can never really escape it can he?

No, obviously he can't because you keep pushing him to go there with you! Selfish spoiled brat. :mad:

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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But if he loves me wouldn't he want to try stupid **** with me too?

 

No. He's evolved past it. I broke into a house with an ex once when I was a teenager. No desire to do it again.

 

Your bf has matured past partying and wants to use his energy on different things now. It's a GOOD thing.

 

Plus what makes me so diff from the girls he used to party with? The fact that I'm not hot enough?

 

HE is the one who is different, not you. He's changed. His comment about not partying with you was probably made out of frustration because this topic is so stupid. (Sorry, but it is.)

 

What's the real issue here? You want to go out and have fun with your bf, right? So you can do that without forcing him to be part of the club scene he isn't interested in. Find something you are both interested in and go on a NEW adventure together instead of wanting him to relive his past with you.

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PlumPrincess Established Member

PlumPrincess

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Honestly, you're the kind of person who would force an ex-alcoholic to get drunk with you, because you have never been drunk and want to have fun and if he refuses, he's the selfish one. Or an ex-junkie to do drugs with you.

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babydoll88 Member

babydoll88

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The hard part is I have left all my friends behind. I moved out of state 2 years ago. To start partying and clubbing or just enjoying a quiet night life is really hard when you're alone but not single. You know how the scene is. Guys hitting on women etc. If he was with me, we could do it together. And it need not be crazy ass parties! It could be sophisticated wine bars or little concerts where you dress up or something night life related. Does thst make sense? I am not sure why he is opposed to even doing things like that. They're not risky!!!

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babydoll88 Member

babydoll88

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What's the real issue here? You want to go out and have fun with your bf, right? So you can do that without forcing him to be part of the club scene he isn't interested in. Find something you are both interested in and go on a NEW adventure together instead of wanting him to relive his past with you.

 

You're right on point. There are other non clubbing things to do at night. I don't want to go clubbing with him. He and I had the discussion on how we both don't like it. What I was really getting at yesterday is that there are other cool things we could do together. We could go to some interesting bars with a unique setting or scene and hang out. Things that mature people do and still have fun.

 

PlumPrincess - you're being a bit harsh. I won't deny that I pushed him. But he did push my buttons by acting like a dick. IF he had let me finish he would have realized I didn't wanna club with him. I really just want to have a nightlife with him. And it foesnt have to be in his old scene. It could be a new one. He never gave me the chance to say it. And now he's off being mad like a tantrum throwing child.

PlumPrincess Established Member

PlumPrincess

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PlumPrincess - you're being a bit harsh. I won't deny that I pushed him. But he did push my buttons by acting like a dick. IF he had let me finish he would have realized I didn't wanna club with him. I really just want to have a nightlife with him. And it foesnt have to be in his old scene. It could be a new one. He never gave me the chance to say it. And now he's off being mad like a tantrum throwing child.

How often did you write in this thread you wanted to do stupid **** and now you claim you just want to sit in a sophisticaed bar and sip on a glass of wine. Maybe even attend a nice quiet concert with classical music? :rolleyes: If I were your boyfriend, I'd wouldn't be as nice as he was with all your whining and your attempts to manipulate him.

 

However, part of me still wants to do stupid sh*t because I never got the chance to

We even drink a beer together at a meal, or enjoy wine .. its just the getting drunk and stupid part he doesnt want to do).

The reason I do want to experience this stuff is just to get it out of my system. No regrets.

Who would I rather want to do stupid **** with though ...

I don't want to do it because everyone else is doing it. I want to experience it before it's too late. A 30 year old woman at the club with kids??

But at the same time I don't know why he is so so stubborn about going out and drinking with me or doing the nightlife stuff. He has done all of thst and so much more. Granted he had a huge group of friends. He lived in the ghetto and people brought drugs and guns to these parties.

But if he loves me wouldn't he want to try stupid **** with me too?
  • Like 3
Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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I'll offer a guy perspective and you've shared only minimal data to us.

Clubbing / Bar Scene / Wine Bars /stupid **** ----> all require cash, time and attitude.

He's a student. Not sure if he's also working. Tuition is an expense. No man with testicles wants to escort his GF to meat markets on her dime. I cannot imagine that you'd fit in at the wine bars I'm familiar with and so I think that's not the fix for what's itching in you.

 

You're newly into a career judging by your age. You want a bad boy. The current BF isn't that any longer. Of course he was treated well at your office party, it was an open corporate event. You haven't shared what specialty your career is. How large your city is. All relevant factors if you're looking to get down n dirty on a couple nights a week. Surely in this job you're just into 6 figures.

 

This guy you're with is a student. You two are out for different goals now. Let him go. Find yourself a new bad boy.

Edited by Balzac
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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You're right on point. There are other non clubbing things to do at night. I don't want to go clubbing with him. He and I had the discussion on how we both don't like it. What I was really getting at yesterday is that there are other cool things we could do together. We could go to some interesting bars with a unique setting or scene and hang out. Things that mature people do and still have fun.

 

How about looking around for a concert by a band he likes? I bet you could talk him into that.

clia Established Member

clia

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I am utterly confused about what you want him to do. You are seriously all over the place.

 

I never got to do the things other people did like play beer pong, go to a house party and get drunk etc. I have gone to clubs and bars, but theyre just not my scene. I am just too bored and stiff at places liek that and I don't have any fun. So I stopped going 2 years ago as well. However, part of me still wants to do stupid sh*t because I never got the chance to (even though right now I have a great career going for me which I would be putting at risk).

 

Why do you want to go to clubs and bars if you are bored stiff there and don't have any fun? That makes no sense. (Also, I don't see how doing any of that puts your career at risk, but whatever.)

 

I like sophisticated things, house parties are not my scene, I come from a diff background than he does.

 

This makes you sound really snobby. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to party with you? I can tell you that I've been to some off the hook house parties that are incredibly "sophisticated." House parties aren't all beer pong and red plastic cups.

 

(P.S. He and I do a BUNCH of other things together and have a great time! We even drink a beer together at a meal, or enjoy wine .. its just the getting drunk and stupid part he doesnt want to do).

 

Okay, so you want to get drunk and stupid? Why can't you respect that he's been there, done that, doesn't want to do it again? Seriously, if you want to do it, go out and do it. It's not his problem that you don't have any friends.

 

I mean yes I have been clubbing and it was not my scene. I felt uncomfortable.

 

So why do you want to go to clubs?

 

I have been to bars on dates before. It was uncomfortable. I just can't sit there, drink, and stare at a screen.

 

So why do you want to go to bars?

 

But at the same time I don't know why he is so so stubborn about going out and drinking with me or doing the nightlife stuff.

 

Is it possible because he knows you don't like these things, as you've expressed several times here? Your post just doesn't make sense. You claim you don't like clubs and bars, yet you want him to go with you to clubs and bars? What?

 

There are other non clubbing things to do at night. I don't want to go clubbing with him. He and I had the discussion on how we both don't like it. What I was really getting at yesterday is that there are other cool things we could do together. We could go to some interesting bars with a unique setting or scene and hang out. Things that mature people do and still have fun.

 

And this totally conflicts with the rest of your posts about how you want to get drunk and be stupid because you didn't do that stuff back in college. Do you want to go to the wine bar or the club or the sports bar? I mean...your boyfriend may well be as confused as I am.

 

If you truly want to go out and get drunk and stupid, that's your prerogative. But, your boyfriend has clearly expressed that he doesn't want to do those things, and you have no right to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. So, you can either find a new boyfriend who wants to get drunk and stupid with you, or try to find some girlfriends to go out and do that stuff with. Try Meetup.com. Look for groups directed to women your age. In my city they are always going to clubs and bars.

tbf Established Member

tbf

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This reminds me of some of the sexuality threads where guys get upset at women for not doing the same acts as they did with their exes.

 

Forcing a partner to do trivial things they don't want to do, pushes partners away and for very good reason, since you're not respecting their boundaries.

 

You can't change them but you can change your own behaviours.

  • Like 1
serial muse Established Member

serial muse

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What PlumPrincess just said.

 

OP, it's not clear what you want to go out and do with him. You said yourself you don't enjoy clubbing and doing stupid shxt but you're annoyed because he doesn't want to do those things with you?

 

It really reads like you're just trying to pick a fight. Can you take a few steps back and identify what the real issue is for you? You say you feel rejected because he doesn't want to get crazy drunk with you - but WHY choose to feel rejected by that? That is a choice.

 

Is the bottom line here that you're worried that he thinks you're a) not hot enough and/or b) not fun enough? Is that what this is really all about? I gleaned both of those possibilities from various posts in this thread that you've made.

 

If this is just about you being insecure about either or both of those things, it would go a lot better if you communicated your actual fears to him, rather than couching it in this other stuff that's irrelevant since neither of you actually seems to want to do these things. No wonder he's annoyed. Strip away the nonsense and focus on what's really troubling you.

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