Betterthanthis13 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 This just occurred to me and gave me a chill. There used to be a show about a prostitute in the UK called Belle (I think), and she had some clients who came just for sex, and other clients who came for the "girlfriend experience". They would spend the whole weekend, watch tv, hang out, tell about their day, eat dinner, etc etc. Then I was thinking about cake eater WS's who are playing both sides. In "Love" with the BS, in "love" with the OW... And how we say, the person that WS loves the most is himself.... Sounds like what they love the most is the "girlfriend experience". I think it's maybe less about selfishness after all the debate we have been having about the "split self theory" and "good people have affairs", and more about fear. "In love" means a whole different thing to me. Being in love requires being fearless. It's scary to try to be 100% honest with another human being. But that is part of my definition of being in love- I think I'm getting somewhere......
compulsivedancer Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I followed you up to the "fear" part. What does fear have to do with it? (Diary of a Call Girl; it showed on Showtime in the states).
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 I followed you up to the "fear" part. What does fear have to do with it? (Diary of a Call Girl; it showed on Showtime in the states). The thought isn't completely formed in my head yet. I think I have a connection but I'm not sure. I should have phrased my OP as a question or two but I just babbled instead I read a really beautiful blog post awhile back, in one of the first few days after Dday that was about "loving without fear" that was written by a guy who is polyamorous. It really stuck in my mind, a lot of things he said made perfect sense to me and I related to them because they were the same ways I have felt about love my whole life. He was just talking about more than one person. That made sense to me. Right away it clicked. It didnt inspire me to begin seeking out additional men to have relationships with, but I understood it. Cheating made no sense to me. I'm still investigating. I think people lie in general because of fear- fear of hurting someone, fear of consequences, fear of conflict, etc. cheating involves lying, etc... Help me out here I'm babbling again- is there any connection? 1
compulsivedancer Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) I think people lie in general because of fear- fear of hurting someone, fear of consequences, fear of conflict, etc. cheating involves lying, etc... That makes sense. I think that's why a lot of WSs tell their spouses after an affair is over vs during. They can't tell because they're afraid the affair will end. Likewise, they might not tell at all because they fear hurting the BS and/or the consequences of having the affair. Actually, this goes for OW/OMs as well. People on this forum are always asking why the OP wants to tell BS after but not during. Duh...s/he does not want to give up the affair. But once it's over, they feel BS should know. The fear is gone now (this is oversimplification...there are lots of motivations involved, of course, but this is one of them). Edited August 12, 2013 by compulsivedancer 1
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Fear of true intimacy- fear of giving your heart and soul to another person- or people if you are nomonogamous(monogamy is not the issue in my mind)- but at the same time wanting to be loved. Wanting "the girlfriend experience" Wanting to be loved. But scared to be honest. Fear of rejection. That's a little closer to what I was getting at before my OP turned into a train wreck of confusion. (Maybe this is just making it more confusing)
Recommended Posts