My GF is "Emotionally Unavailable"

[SimonPhoenix]

Ok, I will try and keep this as short and to the point as possible, however, I'm not 100% sure if that’s possible!

 

So, I have been with my girlfriend for almost 6 months now (this includes the dating phase). When we are together, we are AMAZING. We are always holding hands, hugging , kissing and always find an excuse to touch each other. We are probably one of those annoying couples who you all want to shout "get a room!" too. In fact, this has actually happened! Ha! Anyway, we've done sooo much together, loads of fun stuff and even been away together. So all in all, sounds really good right? Well the problem is, she openly admits that she is "emotionally inept". We had a conversation about this last night. She says she is not good at talking about her feelings and finds it impossible to open up and let others know what she is thinking. She says that she thinks its better if she just keeps them all in. I asked her why and what does she gain by doing that. She said so she can stay in her little shell. She said she likes to deal with things herself and admits that she is a big over thinker. I went on to say that I don't really know how she feels about me. She kind of seized up and mustered a I like you and then recoiled away. She says she knows she is like this and hates being like it. She said that's it's not just me that she does this with, she mentioned that she was like it with her X and it drove him mad! She also said that her mum always says it to her. "You never talk, you just think too much".

 

Anyway, don't get me wrong, she does do and say nice things and has gotten better recently. She arranges things for us to do, always wants to pay for everything and gets mad because I "never let her" (I do let her – sometimes!), buys me gifts when she goes on holiday, etc. She says she misses me and that she can't stop thinking about me and wants to be with me all the time. Which I was REALLY surprised to hear come from her. It was NICE. But messages like this are few and far between and for the most of the time we are apart, I spend being not really happy (I guess). She is sometimes quite cold in her messages and sometimes takes hours to reply. She even went on holiday recently and made me feel like she wasn't thinking about me or couldn't even find 2 minutes to send me a quick message. This go to to the point where I seriously considered ending things with her But then she came back and said that her holiday made her miss me so much and that's when she went on to say she cant stop thinking about me and wants to be with me all the time. She always says that I am the most generous, considerate person she has ever met and wishes she could be more like that. She says that I am sooo nice to her and that she absolutely loves that. But she also says I should be so nice to her because I do and say all these nice things and get nothing back from her. She says I deserve to be with someone who can be as lovely to me as I am to them.

 

I feel like I'm the brink of happiness with an amazing girl that I enjoy spending time with but I guess I'm getting tired of feeling like the above. It's physically and mentally draining. Not knowing where I stand some of the time and feeling like I have to almost walk on egg shells. I mean, I feel like I can't always tell her exactly what I'm thinking. So if I'm at work and a song comes on (as an example) that reminds me of her, I feel like I can't text her to let her know. I feel like I have to hold back my feelings somewhat which is hard because I have already started to fall for her. After 6 months, I still feel like I have to wait half an hour at least to reply to her messages (because she takes hours sometimes)and I feel like I have to reword them to contain less emotion. I know this all sounds pretty stupid to you all but it's really tough. I'm a pretty open guy and wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't mess around with girls and I only get with someone if they are really special…which she is in many ways. She says she sooo wishes she could be like me and says I am the polar opposite of her in that sense. She says she wish she could wear her heart on her sleeve and open up but she can't.

 

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone has ever been in a relationship with someone who is "emotionally unavailable". Is there hope for the future? Or will we still be in the same position a year from now? Does anyone know why some people are like this? Is it because they are scared of being hurt and so hide in a "shell" like a protective barrier? She obviously realises that this is a problem and doesn't think it's fair on me and said that she knows talking is good and wants to try and do it more but will she be able to? Or will these barriers remain between us? It just feels like she isn't able to commit fully to the relationship. When we are together, she behaves like she wants to be in the relationship, but does she though or is this just an act because "no one has ever been as nice to her as me" and that she's "really attracted to me"? Will I ever know how she feels about me? Will I always be worried, walking on egg shells and feel a bit neglected? Or will she be able to do something about it like she claims she wants to?

 

 

I've been in a massive 6 year relationship in the past, whereby we had a mortgage and were engaged, which was soo different to this. Everything happened so fast and in a whirlwind and we ended up being unbelievably close, to the point where it felt like "family". However, things didn't work out and it took 2 years of being single before I found this girl….the one girl in 2 years who I actually WANTED to get into a relationship with. However, 6 months down the line and our relationship development is slow. I don't know what she wants in the future or whether she sees me in it. She does love to travel though and vows to do this in the next year or 2 before she's "too old" but she did say she'd like to go with me (not sure if this was in jest or not). So that could be an issue too. Although, I would LOVE to go travelling or work in another country, I have work, family, friends and mortgage responsibilities here. So maybe I should add this to the list of "red flags" and stop myself from a whole world of pain. The problem is, I feel like I may already be falling in love with her…

 

Any help/advice or thoughts would be much appreciated

 

Thanks to all for reading.

[SimonPhoenix]

Gulp! Almost 100 people have read this but not 1 single response! Am I, is this relationship doomed????

[Balzac]

Dude - that's a wall of text. Post a summary. Yeah it's doomed.

[SimonPhoenix]

Dude - that's a wall of text. Post a summary. Yeah it's doomed.

 

Thanks

[Emilia]

I suppose I can't tell whether she is truly emotionally unavailable or just reticent who needs more patience to come out of her shell.

[SimonPhoenix]

I suppose I can't tell whether she is truly emotionally unavailable or just reticent who needs more patience to come out of her shell.[/quote

 

Thanks Emilia for the reply - it really is appreciated. I can't tell either. She said she has always been like this but has gotten better over the last 5 years. I have noticed her "opening up" a bit more but again, it's fits and starts...

[SimonPhoenix]

How old are the two of you?

 

She is 27, I am 30

[Balzac]

It's physically and mentally draining. Not knowing where I stand some of the time and feeling like I have to almost walk on egg shells. I mean, I feel like I can't always tell her exactly what I'm thinking

 

Her self description makes me wonder if she's autism spectrum but not diagnosed. She transcends shy from your description. I'm bit sure how you'd cope with this long term. She's unlikely to undergo transfirmative change w/o intervention and she's approaching 30ish.

 

Stop asking where you stand maybe? Just ride this until you feel you cannot any longer. Maybe the not any longer wont happen

[SimonPhoenix]

It's physically and mentally draining. Not knowing where I stand some of the time and feeling like I have to almost walk on egg shells. I mean, I feel like I can't always tell her exactly what I'm thinking

 

Her self description makes me wonder if she's autism spectrum but not diagnosed. She transcends shy from your description. I'm bit sure how you'd cope with this long term. She's unlikely to undergo transfirmative change w/o intervention and she's approaching 30ish.

 

Stop asking where you stand maybe? Just ride this until you feel you cannot any longer. Maybe the not any longer wont happen

 

Thank you for the words Balzac. That's exactly what i have been doing for 6 months...riding it out. Enjoying the ups and hating the downs. However, the more I ride, the more invested I become...

[imfine]

I think you need to accept you are still dating & even though you are exclusive, six months is not very long. It's hard for some people to open up completely and honestly if she was the kind of girl that shared all of her inner most thoughts, dreams, feelings, etc. with every guy she met, then you wouldn't be that special would you? If she was blowing up your phone & appeared needy it would probably drive you insane. So it takes her hours to reply & she's not all lovey-lovey in every single text? She's a grown woman not a teenager. She shouldn't have to text you every hour while she's on holiday.

 

You expect her to feel secure enough to open herself up to you in a way she hasn't to any other man yet you aren't secure enough to go a few hours without a text response. Be patient. Not all women put everything they have out there for every man. I think it's harsh for people to suggest she may be on the autism spectrum or have mental issues because she doesn't act like a love sick teenager. She's busy living her life while you are pining away for her & thinking about what's wrong with the relationship. As far as her feeling emotionally "inept", it could be because people always tell her something is wrong with her just because she is happy in "her little shell" and not putting her life on display. You said she is opening up more lately. Perhaps she just takes her time before trusting someone enough to let them in. If this is bothering you than perhaps you two aren't compatible.

[SimonPhoenix]

I think you need to accept you are still dating & even though you are exclusive, six months is not very long. It's hard for some people to open up completely and honestly if she was the kind of girl that shared all of her inner most thoughts, dreams, feelings, etc. with every guy she met, then you wouldn't be that special would you? If she was blowing up your phone & appeared needy it would probably drive you insane. So it takes her hours to reply & she's not all lovey-lovey in every single text? She's a grown woman not a teenager. She shouldn't have to text you every hour while she's on holiday.

 

You expect her to feel secure enough to open herself up to you in a way she hasn't to any other man yet you aren't secure enough to go a few hours without a text response. Be patient. Not all women put everything they have out there for every man. I think it's harsh for people to suggest she may be on the autism spectrum or have mental issues because she doesn't act like a love sick teenager. She's busy living her life while you are pining away for her & thinking about what's wrong with the relationship. As far as her feeling emotionally "inept", it could be because people always tell her something is wrong with her just because she is happy in "her little shell" and not putting her life on display. You said she is opening up more lately. Perhaps she just takes her time before trusting someone enough to let them in. If this is bothering you than perhaps you two aren't compatible.

 

Hi imfine, first off thanks for the response.

 

I completely get what you mean about how some people take longer to open up and I'm in no way saying she has to be lovey dovey in every text or that she has to text me every hour when she is at home or on holiday. I'm just saying it would be nice if she made me feel like she was putting in a bit of effort every now and again. As for the "pining for her" comment, I have grown to care about her a lot, that is why this is becoming more of an issue. If she is not in it 100%, I would rather she tell me and we split up, rather than not telling me anything...at all....ever.

 

I don't expect anyone to understand really. It's a tough situation.

[imfine]

I apologize if I came across as insensitive as that was not my intent. I've been in your shoes and consistency is nice, especially when you are learning to trust as well. Unfortunately rather than just accepting we weren't compatible, I learned to stuff my feelings just as your GF is doing and just like you are in some ways. For your sake, really think about if you two are truly compatible as partners if that's what you are wanting from this. The longer you stay where things aren't progressing as you like, the more concessions you'll make until you don't know what you really wanted in the first place.

[Star Gazer]

Gulp! Almost 100 people have read this but not 1 single response! Am I, is this relationship doomed????

 

You posted when most readers (American) were asleep. Patience is a virtue.

[SimonPhoenix]

I apologize if I came across as insensitive as that was not my intent. I've been in your shoes and consistency is nice, especially when you are learning to trust as well. Unfortunately rather than just accepting we weren't compatible, I learned to stuff my feelings just as your GF is doing and just like you are in some ways. For your sake, really think about if you two are truly compatible as partners if that's what you are wanting from this. The longer you stay where things aren't progressing as you like, the more concessions you'll make until you don't know what you really wanted in the first place.

 

Thanks and apology accepted - I understand you didn't mean your last comment to sound as harsh as it did.

 

A bit of consistency would be amazing! but sadly I'm not sure this will ever be possible. She is "stuffing her feelings" but what are her feelings?? What does she want from me and our relationship? I asked her if she knew how she felt inside and she was quick to say yes. She just has a problem with sharing these feelings with people. It's weird, as she was being really open last night but now we are apart....no response

[SimonPhoenix]

You posted when most readers (American) were asleep. Patience is a virtue.

 

Yes I realise that now....sorry

[youngnlove89]

Being with an emotionally unavailable man myself and from what I gather on your end with this woman, I could safely conclude she is not emotionally unavailable as you perceive her to be. YET. It could be just the beginning though, it's too soon to tell rather. The first 6 months with my Mr. Unavailable, he was normal. He was loving, caring, attentive, did romantic things. I had no idea or no questions about whether he knew what he wanted or not. It wasn't till we fixated on this close heavy bond that I started to see the downfall. But everyone is different and she is a woman, so they also think and do things differently then men.

 

There is PLETHORA of advice out there on Google about commitment phobes that I suggest you start studying so you can avoid future havoc. IT will help you understand whether this is the path you want to walk.

 

I was with my ex for 2.5 years, we were off and on. At the 6 month mark I asked myself the same thing, "is it worth it?" and I stayed. If I could go back, I would have left because the emotional part of it that I have endured has become a burden to me. And it's much harder to get out now than it was then.

 

Your main question, "is it worth it?" is only for you to answer. What can you put up with? How much can you handle? Is it worth risking it all and coming out with nothing? Are you okay with the unknown? Are you okay with this kind of relationship where you will have to ask if it's worth it? Are you okay with her indecisiveness?

 

My suggestion would be to get out now while you can, it's too early for this to be happening. Do what I was unable too.

[SimonPhoenix]

Being with an emotionally unavailable man myself and from what I gather on your end with this woman, I could safely conclude she is not emotionally unavailable as you perceive her to be. YET. It could be just the beginning though, it's too soon to tell rather. The first 6 months with my Mr. Unavailable, he was normal. He was loving, caring, attentive, did romantic things. I had no idea or no questions about whether he knew what he wanted or not. It wasn't till we fixated on this close heavy bond that I started to see the downfall. But everyone is different and she is a woman, so they also think and do things differently then men.

 

There is PLETHORA of advice out there on Google about commitment phobes that I suggest you start studying so you can avoid future havoc. IT will help you understand whether this is the path you want to walk.

 

I was with my ex for 2.5 years, we were off and on. At the 6 month mark I asked myself the same thing, "is it worth it?" and I stayed. If I could go back, I would have left because the emotional part of it that I have endured has become a burden to me. And it's much harder to get out now than it was then.

 

Your main question, "is it worth it?" is only for you to answer. What can you put up with? How much can you handle? Is it worth risking it all and coming out with nothing? Are you okay with the unknown? Are you okay with this kind of relationship where you will have to ask if it's worth it? Are you okay with her indecisiveness?

 

My suggestion would be to get out now while you can, it's too early for this to be happening. Do what I was unable too.

 

Thank you YoungLove89 for sharing your experience with the emotionally unavailable and thank you for raising a lot of questions which i seriously need to start asking myself. She did actually send me the most heartfelt message she has ever sent me yesterday explaining how she felt and and how she needs to be more vocal about it. She said wants to be more vocal about it because she wants me to know how she cares.

 

watch this space...

[Divasu]

I'm a shell dweller with my most deepest thoughts and feelings, and, I typically don't come out until I know I can trust the person inside and out. Once I know I can trust and rely on someone, those walls come down.

 

Were most of her past relationships filled with short term intimacy or something more substantial?

 

I think your best bet is to be clear and direct with your expectations. Explain how you feel unloved/uncared for if/when she doesn't express thoughts of you while apart and that her texting style isn't satisfactory to you. And, keep in mind, emotionally intimacy is experienced through stages and timing is different for everyone. It may take commitment, time and patience for those walls to come down where she is more open with you and her feelings.

 

Your relationship is still fairly new. What's important, is going through those stages together in a way that brings you two closer.

[Scrab22]

In my opinion, people who keep their feelings to themselves are either people who trust no one but themselves, or are afraid to expose their inner selves.

Your GF needs to work this out. She needs to at least show you SOME of her feelings.

 

When someone keeps his feelings to himself, they can devastate him and lead him to wrong choices, like a break-up. Reason could be - "I need to re-arrange myself", or "I need to sort this out". It's no wonder, since when someone stores his feelings for a long time, they explode and leave a big mess. And no one likes explosions, right?

[Divasu]

In my opinion, people who keep their feelings to themselves are either people who trust no one but themselves, or are afraid to expose their inner selves.

Your GF needs to work this out. She needs to at least show you SOME of her feelings.

 

When someone keeps his feelings to himself, they can devastate him and lead him to wrong choices, like a break-up. Reason could be - "I need to re-arrange myself", or "I need to sort this out". It's no wonder, since when someone stores his feelings for a long time, they explode and leave a big mess. And no one likes explosions, right?

 

Yes, that is part of it. Environment during childhood can shape future interaction. My father was very strict, children not to be seen or heard, was how he operated. If I was happy and buoyant, I was punished. If I was upset and expressive, I was punished. Punishment in the form of verbal and physical. You learn to internalize as a result.

 

And yes, I agree with you about bottling up feelings. She's going to need to learn how to express herself and not internalize. I'm not sure though that is something the OP wants to take on.