Jaxtar73 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Hi there - I am having real trouble stopping feeling bitterness and hatred towards my ex . I know these feelings are natural, but I am concerned about the effect they have on my small children (with said ex), 1 y.o. and 3. y.o. I never express it in front of them when he is here, but I don't like feeling it because surely being little sponges, they can feel it, unconsciously . The background is that he told me - 10 months ago now - after 6.5 years together and 3 years of marriage, that he didn't love me and wanted to separate. While I was holding our new 3 month old baby (who is now 1). He said he had been waiting for the last 9 months to tell me. [And that at least he hadn't done it while I was pregnant (!!!!)]. He didn't give a reason other than that he had "never been sure" (about me), even though he had proposed and having children was always something we both wanted to do. He was the one who proposed in the first place! I moved cities and left my job, because he already had a child from another relationship (now 11), so couldn't move. He proposed 2 weeks after breaking up with me "because he wanted to be polyamorous" (he thought - he never went anywhere with that!). There's no-one else. He is 34 I am 40. So I'm too old to have a family with anyone else, and anyway I don't want to, I just want this one, mostly for my children, so they have the experience of growing up in a household where their parents love each other. He still (at my request, for their sake) comes for dinner 5 nights a week and stays every weekend. The 1 y.o wakes up frequently at night still so I really need the help, and the 3.y.o gets distressed if he's not here. But I hate him so much for doing this to us, to me, for what seems like such a useless reason ("I changed my mind"). I've read here that the secret is to forgive, and I agree - but how do I do that??!!!!
Mint Sauce Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Welcome here, and sorry to read you find yourself in such a painful situation. I'm not sure forgiveness should be on your agenda just yet. How about first getting a stable, future-proof solution set up? By that I mean a financial settlement that is fair, help from other people but him (can your family help out?), a co-parenting scheme installed, and him out of the house. When all that is sorted, and the dust has settled, then you give it a few years, you find someone new, and then perhaps you can start to forgive him. He made some very destructive choices. Make sure he doesn't do any more damage first. Hang in there, the sun will be out again one day.
juicygirl Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Advice from one single mother to another. I was left when I was 6 weeks pregnant it sucked, but I doubt it would have been any better after the birth. Anyway the best advice I can give you is stop having dinner with him and "hanging out" for the kids. All this is doing is slowing down your recovery time and theirs to be honest. It will be hard at first for them ,but the sooner they get use to their new reality the better. No harm in him seeing them (and only them) 5 evening a week after pre school or work etc for a couple of hours is fine. Imagine how weird it will be when he starts dating again and you guys are having dinner ick. limit contract with him and just talk about kids kids kids. Or just days for him to collect the kids via text or email just until you stop feeling like you want to kill him lol. When you feel like your love has been betrayed it's hard not to hate the ex and time is the only healer but there will come a time when you just stop caring.
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