green_tea Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 So I've been emailing/texting a guy from online, and we are talking of meeting this week after work. We both work in the CBD of the same city, but he at one end and me at another. So I suggested we meet up somewhere in the middle, he responded with a place close by him. I thought this was quite rude, expecting me to make the longer walk to meet him. I thought this also points to a selfish attitude in general, ignoring my comment about meeting somewhere equidistant to our work locations. Am I overreacting? I just can't shake the feeling that he's not a gentleman for doing something like this so early on?
Legatus Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I wouldn't say it's a major red flag, but for me personally it is a little weird. If a woman asked me to meet her half-way I would still at least try to show up near her place (if I was already confided where she lives). But in this particular situation - no way. If I suggested something it would be either literally "half-way" (well not entirely literally, who would meet in the middle of the street or inside a prison!), or closer to her.. seems obvious to me, but then again, it's my subjective opinion 1
ChessPieceFace Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Maybe he really likes that place? If you cancel based on this 1 thing, here is what it says about you: - You always assume the worst intentions - You read too much into things - You are unwilling to accept even a temporary "inequity" of any kind, regardless of whether it could be evened up later Wow.
Author green_tea Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Walk? What distance are we talking about? I'd say about 15-20 min. Bear in mind it is the middle of winter where I am, and this week the weather is particularly inclement. I may have to walk in the rain, in heels. I could catch a bus there I suppose. But why do I have to go to all the effort - he just has to walk out of his building and he's there. Maybe he really likes that place? If you cancel based on this 1 thing, here is what it says about you: - You always assume the worst intentions - You read too much into things - You are unwilling to accept even a temporary "inequity" of any kind, regardless of whether it could be evened up later Wow. Maybe I do assume the worst intentions - I've probably been on 10 or so online dates in my life now and none have gone past the 1st date. I expect these guys to be duds now. What guarantee do I have that this is going to be evened up later? What if as I said this is an indication of selfishness? I agree with Legatus - it is weird for him to pick a place literally right by his work when I specifically said we should meet halfway.
Emilia Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I'd say about 15-20 min. Bear in mind it is the middle of winter where I am, and this week the weather is particularly inclement. I may have to walk in the rain, in heels. I could catch a bus there I suppose. But why do I have to go to all the effort - he just has to walk out of his building and he's there. It's probably one of the few places he knows. I agree that half-way would be better, why don't you suggest something?
Author green_tea Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Thanks, yes I think I will suggest somewhere else. I was tossing up whether to cancel based on this, or to suggest somewhere right by my work - but that's kind of being passive aggressive and that's not me. I may as well give him a chance. 1
Emilia Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Thanks, yes I think I will suggest somewhere else. I was tossing up whether to cancel based on this, or to suggest somewhere right by my work - but that's kind of being passive aggressive and that's not me. I may as well give him a chance. Sometimes guys are a bit spaz, you will know after the date either way.
Author green_tea Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 So, you two talk about meeting in the middle, and the guy proposes a place right outside his own office door, which means YOU do all the traveling and he does none? Yeah, this guy's a real gentleman. Not. Yep! My initial thoughts exactly...but after reading some of the other replies thinking I'll suggest somewhere else and see how it goes. Maybe he only knows that place as Emilia suggested, or some other reason for picking it (maybe it's quiet and can talk there).
Balzac Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Maybe he's going to prepay your taxi home after your efforts.
sillyanswer Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I'd say about 15-20 min. Bear in mind it is the middle of winter where I am, and this week the weather is particularly inclement. I may have to walk in the rain, in heels. I could catch a bus there I suppose. But why do I have to go to all the effort - he just has to walk out of his building and he's there. Why would you wear shoes you can't walk in? Suggest somewhere closer to you that you're comfortable with.
soccerrprp Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Maybe he really likes that place? If you cancel based on this 1 thing, here is what it says about you: - You always assume the worst intentions - You read too much into things - You are unwilling to accept even a temporary "inequity" of any kind, regardless of whether it could be evened up later Wow. ...or you, OP, are wondering why AFTER making it clear that you want to meet somewhere in the middle, that HE proceeded to ignore that. Sounds reasonable to me. 3
Author green_tea Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Maybe he's going to prepay your taxi home after your efforts. I'm not after some kind of payback or anything, and even if he offered to make it up (say by paying for the evening) I wouldn't allow it. Why would you wear shoes you can't walk in? Suggest somewhere closer to you that you're comfortable with. I didn't say I can't walk in them, just it would take longer in heels and slippery wet ground (due to possible rain). I am planning on asking him to meet somewhere closer. ...or you, OP, are wondering why AFTER making it clear that you want to meet somewhere in the middle, that HE proceeded to ignore that. Sounds reasonable to me. Exactly. I will ask him when we do meet
phineas Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Exactly. I will ask him when we do meet From my point of view, if I don't think the woman is sufficiently interested in meeting me i'll tell her to meet me some place close to me that I know in case she flakes last min. Typical OLD interactions for me consist of woman making plans then fading away as meet time approaches followed by a last min. flake. I've had women text me while I was at the bar "i'm on my way, be there in 10" but never show up. This is AFTER they confirmed with me that day we were still meeting. It's happened enough times where if a woman starts getting distant with texting in the days before a meet I'm beginning to think I should just cancel on them. If I were you OP & you were genuinely interested in meeting this guy & not just bored, tell him to meet you half way so you can talk on the way to his bar. 1
crude Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I think he was being inconsiderate, so suggest a place in the middle with a slightly sarcastic remark thrown in. But don't get into the anti-male stuff that shows up here often, like "the man must make the 4 hour drive to you, never go to him, never never" kind of stuff.
Star Gazer Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 From my point of view, if I don't think the woman is sufficiently interested in meeting me i'll tell her to meet me some place close to me that I know in case she flakes last min. Posing a location closer to you is selfish, and might kill whatever interest she did have, however strong. Why hedge your bet like that? Be a gentleman and suggest a place that's at least in the middle, preferably closer to her. If you think she's not "sufficiently interested" to MEET you, don't ask her out or cancel.
truth_seeker Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Typical OLD interactions for me consist of woman making plans then fading away as meet time approaches followed by a last min. flake. I've had women text me while I was at the bar "i'm on my way, be there in 10" but never show up. This is AFTER they confirmed with me that day we were still meeting. It's happened enough times where if a woman starts getting distant with texting in the days before a meet I'm beginning to think I should just cancel on them. This is unbelievable. These women then wonder why they're single and can't meet any "good" men. They behave like immature imbeciles.
truth_seeker Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Thanks, yes I think I will suggest somewhere else. I was tossing up whether to cancel based on this, or to suggest somewhere right by my work - but that's kind of being passive aggressive and that's not me. I may as well give him a chance. You're already making excuses to cancel. Go meet him and see what happens.
amazingdrummer Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 From my point of view, if I don't think the woman is sufficiently interested in meeting me i'll tell her to meet me some place close to me that I know in case she flakes last min. Typical OLD interactions for me consist of woman making plans then fading away as meet time approaches followed by a last min. flake. I've had women text me while I was at the bar "i'm on my way, be there in 10" but never show up. This is AFTER they confirmed with me that day we were still meeting. It's happened enough times where if a woman starts getting distant with texting in the days before a meet I'm beginning to think I should just cancel on them. If I were you OP & you were genuinely interested in meeting this guy & not just bored, tell him to meet you half way so you can talk on the way to his bar. From my point of view, with first OLD, if a man tell me to meet at some places close to him and let me do all the walking, I would feel no prob to not show up. However, if he spend time and some effort to meet me at some place close to me, I will def show up.
clia Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I just don't see this as such a huge deal. In my experience, men truly do not think about walking in heels over great distances unless you point it out to them. For example, my boyfriend and I walk all over the city, but generally I am wearing comfy shoes when we do so. One Saturday night, though, I had on my four inch heels, and he innocently suggested that we walk the two miles home from the restaurant rather than take a cab because it was such a nice night. I calmly pointed at my shoes and he was like "Oh, right...that won't work, now will it?" He didn't mean anything by it; men just don't think about high heels because they don't wear them. Their feet are always comfy and they are ready to walk. If you don't like the place he picked, just counter with one that is more in the middle. ("Oh, that's really far for me to walk in my high heels in this weather! How about X?"). If he doesn't want to go there, then you have your answer. It may be that he doesn't know of many places in the CBD, so he picked one he knew, which happened to be near his office. Or it may be that he's an inconsiderate douchebag. You'll know soon enough. I don't like to jump to conclusions before meeting people. Sometimes people do just innocently make a mistake.
FitChick Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 If you don't like the place he picked, just counter with one that is more in the middle. ("Oh, that's really too far for me to walk in my high heels in this weather! How about X?"). I would suggest TWO different places in the middle location but very different to each other so he can't give you an excuse like "That place is a dive and I don't want to ruin my suit" or "That place is too posh and I don't feel I've dressed up enough" or "I don't like Indian/Chinese/junk, etc. food..."
Joaquin Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Omg. Over a 10-20min walk. No wonder obesity is at epidemic levels. U havent met him and yr already keeping score. Do the guy a favour and cancel.
ChessPieceFace Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I agree with Legatus - it is weird for him to pick a place literally right by his work when I specifically said we should meet halfway. Note it as an item of concern, don't complain about it, go on the date and hope for the best. For all you know it could be a really awesome place to go. People are more likely to be familiar with the quality of places close to where they are, seems to me that is probably the reason. Suggest a place close to you for the 2nd date. That will even it up. If he doesn't go for it then you can decide if you want to move on. It's just a bad mentality to not give someone a real chance, and it probably shows why you can't get past the first date.
Carenth Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) I would never want to date someone so pedantic. For all you know it could be the best restaurant/bar/whatever he knows and would rather take you some place that he knows is nice. Or he could be a douche bag, however I think you are jumping into a preconception. To me it just seems you are looking for an excuse to bail. Go on the date see how you two get along if things go good. Then next time choose somewhere near you that you know is good. OR make a counter suggestion yourself. Pretty simple really. In the past I've tended to go for places that I know are good. Sometimes they ended up being closer to me than my date. I however would rather take her to some place I know is nice than risk an unknown place that might be a bit closer to her and have it turn out to be a dive. That is of course if my date offered no suggestions herself as I may not know places in the area she lives. Edited August 13, 2013 by Carenth
Author green_tea Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Update - I chose another place, and we are meeting there. However he did have the nerve to say that he didn't think that was in the middle! With an "lol" after it, but still - he did say it. Thanks for all the feedback, even the negative. And to the person who thinks I'm being lazy and not wanting to walk the 15 min, I walk home 6.5km most days and I enjoy it! It is not the walk itself that bothered me, it was his choosing a place convenient to himself and not being a gentleman about it - and yes it's already given me a negative view of him. I just don't see this as such a huge deal. In my experience, men truly do not think about walking in heels over great distances unless you point it out to them. For example, my boyfriend and I walk all over the city, but generally I am wearing comfy shoes when we do so. One Saturday night, though, I had on my four inch heels, and he innocently suggested that we walk the two miles home from the restaurant rather than take a cab because it was such a nice night. I calmly pointed at my shoes and he was like "Oh, right...that won't work, now will it?" He didn't mean anything by it; men just don't think about high heels because they don't wear them. Their feet are always comfy and they are ready to walk. That is true, many men are clueless, although not all. At my new job where I work with all men we sometimes have to walk about 20 min to another building for meetings and from the very first time they were concerned about my footwear and whether it would be ok for me.
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