mental throw up

[Echo000]

i just want to love and be loved, to escape the obsessive thoughts. to not think about her, and the pain she caused me. to not think about me anymore, or my problems. i want to be over this, but its so hard to let go. she was my first..with so many things. ultimately, she was my first love. and i have the HARDEST time accepting that her love was so need-based, so passing, so easy to move on from.

 

I want to shut my mind up, without violent means. I want peace. I dont want to die every day, just to wake up in the morning and relive this pain all over again. i dont want to hate my life. i dont want this to torture me every day. i dont want to live in order to fight, nor do i want to fight in order to live.

 

i want peace. i want happiness. i want it to last. individually and with others. i need to be saved, and i am so tired of drowning. every moment. of every day.

[mtnbiker3000]

Are you taking steps to find inner happiness and peace? If you need that from others, they will always give it, but just as quickly take it away. Give it to yourself, and no one can take it away. It's a journey and a challenge, but will be well worth it!!

[Echo000]

im trying..but i feel deeply depressed (suffered from depression for over 3 years now, so break up isnt the cause, just made it that much worse) and idk what to do to find inner peace.

[reddragon588]

idk what to do to find inner peace.

 

No one does! Not until you find it at least. Go out and try new things, meet new people.

 

I'm trying right now too. I've picked up boxing as a workout/hobby. I've joined meetup.com and joined some groups that are similar interests to mine. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my future career plans and how I can match my current work to that (more than it already is of course).

 

Just try new things, eventually you'll find a passion that makes you go!

[Echo000]

im so depressed though, and my mind goes through such terrible obsessive thoughts (almost exclusively about the ex).

 

It kills me. yes i see therapist and all. But at the end of the day. i wake up alone with myself, and i go to bed by myself. Point is, i cant find peace within.

[mtnbiker3000]

I can really relate with you. I feel like this too. Although I don't have any depression beyond my BU, I feel similar to you. Up and down all the time. Alone. Bored. Not much of a support group. Weekends are so slow. Sundays are the worst.

 

Have you heard of the book, by Eckhart Tolle, 'The Power of Now'? Might be a good lace to start.

 

If you don't work on finding happiness from within, you will simply repeat the patterns over and over. Other people simply can't give you what you need. only you can. Sounds cliche, but I believe it to be true...

Edited August 12, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[Echo000]

i made a thread about "The Power of Now"..it was an AMAZING book.

 

my problem is that no matter what, i always come back to this same place of pain and hurt and darkness. even when i have brief moments of clarity and "okay-ness", it quickly is replaced by hurt and pain and depression. i end up at the same place regardless.

 

i need to escape this. life just isnt worth this type of pain. and im not talking suicide..no interest in hurting myself. just saying, life shouldnt be this unpleasant, all the time.

[Legatus]

i always come back

Exactly, it's YOU who comes back.

 

Choose a different path and stick to it. Sometimes you have to force yourself to change your mindset, otherwise you will be going back to the same place.

 

When it used to happen to me, I planted a few mines - whenever I went back to that place I was greeted by following "mine thoughts":

"It's actually good that it happened"

"I know it didn't happen like you would have wanted to but hey! Not everyone is decent enough to understand"

"You learnt your lesson, take it and get out of here"

"Look around yourself, your life has got so much better"

 

and so on.. You have to plant set of thoughts like that and every time you go back there.

 

Life shouldn't be unpleasant. Unfortunately the quality of our lives depends on many people around us (directly or not)...

[Echo000]

i have read so many books, seen therapists, taken medication, etc..yet my thoughts seem uncontrollable. i thought i was a strong person, but i cant even control the space within my own head.

 

i am weak. the obsessive thoughts, they kill me. i have tried and tried. and used so many techniques.

 

idk what im gonna do. i dont know what path to embark on, i dont know how/where to start. im desperate.

 

i suffered from depression and OCD before the break up. Since we split, its been pure hell.

 

Every.

Single.

Day.

[Mcnulty]

Your words resonate a lot with what I'm going through.

 

Depression, had it for a long time on and off.

 

Lists...write a list of your good points, put it up somewhere you can read it daily. Get out, don't stay at home, talk to friends and family...god these sound so cliched but it's what helps.

 

Look at the present only, mindfulness helps me a lot.

 

John Mayer - Shadow days...have a listen...

I'm a good man with a good heart

Had a tough time, got a rough start

But I finally learned to let it go

Now I'm right here, and I'm right now

And I'm open, knowing somehow

That my shadow days are over

My shadow days are over now

[Echo000]

thanks for your words, i will listen.

 

how do you escape such darkness? you see, my ex was my first love, my first real experience in which someone from the outside world actually loved me. deeply (at least it had seemed). I felt empty and suffered from so much hurt and depression before her. Now that she is gone, and the way she exited my life (so hurtful and manipulative), i feel EVEN emptier than before, and those moments in which i actually felt loved and cared about keep reminding me how much alone i am now. its awful, i feel worse than before. more empty than before.

 

and.

it kils

me.

[unexpectedlyhere]

What do the therapists say?

[Echo000]

kinda the classic..typical stuff..stuff that is true but stuff that doesnt really help in many of the most painful moments.

 

They say- give it time. Think positively. They often commend me on my maturity, my insight into it. Im not disillusioned/irrational about this stuff.

 

A therapist made an interesting point recently: she said its really hard for me to let go of my first love because i lack love for myself, and because i felt so disconnected for so many years. Deep...and i think she is right. I know she is right. But I dont know how to go about "loving myself" idk what that really means.

[avacado]

The obsessive thoughts, the perpetual agony...I know exactly what you mean. You are not alone, you are not crazy. I, too, had OCD and depression before my first love (which came comparatively late in life), and for those few years with her I was never happier. I became an adult, and now, without her, I'm a kid all over again, and the old problems are back like a bad dream that haunts me all day and even at night. Hell, I'm writing this at 2 AM because I wake up in agony and can't return to bed! Not to switch the topic to myself, but you can take comfort in the universality of your experience. Maybe we're in a segment that takes these types of things especially hard, but that just means that we love equally as hard in our peaks.

 

There are a lot of pearls of wisdom in these threads, find the ones that stick for you and write them down. I think a lot of the "truths" that haunt you are your mind catastrophizing, and you can use the wise words of others to challenge your beliefs. Maybe the relationship you remember so fondly was worse than you're remembering. Keep going to therapy and try to stay positive. If you get through this (I tell myself, and I believe it) you will truly be a far more developed person that you once were, and you will find love so much more real than anything you had before. And then you'll realize this last relationship wasn't a waste, it was a critical stepping stone to what you will one day have.

[Echo000]

thanks for the reply..and it does bring some comfort to know others go through this as well.

 

but my question is this: i believe there may be peace in the future..the idea of a true, deep love waiting for me in the future and an overall sense of happiness sounds like paradise. but how long can one reside in hell and unhappiness before reaching a place of peace? its been so long, and i get eaten at (mentally) every day. It takes such a massive toll.

 

And your right about my past relationship. it was my first love and there were some great times. But even during the relationship, she admitted she wasnt being a good girlfriend at times. Overall she was an okay girlfriend, sometimes she was great and sometimes she was awful. She was extremely immature and emotionally (as opposed to rationally) driven. She had major daddy issues (he disowned her), an episode of sexual abuse once when she was 15/16, and more. I payed for all of that.

 

She made me a hero.. a knight on a white horse, in shining armor. Yet she eventually looked for ways to cast me into a bad guy role, to prove to herself that indeed all men must be bad, that she must remain a VICTIM. So she found a couple things I "did" at the ened (after we had already split up), and cut me into pieces with them. Often ignored me over last couple months before we fully went NC, went against her own word and what she claimed she was all about, and overall was extremely cruel and hurtful. I got a half-assed apology when we began talking again briefly, but i had to ask for it and it was completely disingenuous.

 

POINT IS:

All i tried being was a good man to her. and in the end, she cast me as a bad guy, that somehow it was all my fault, that i was wrong. She blamed me for everything, pretty much. Even though it was her who so often was saying and doing hurtful things, and me who stood by her and forgave her every time. MY OCD IS KILLING ME. i feel so much guilt, so much pain- even though people around me say that if anything its her that F***ked up. its killing me.

 

sorry for long response. but it hurts. logically i know its bs to blame myself. but my heart and my mind, wont stop..... manipulated...

[unexpectedlyhere]

Echo, keep hold of your hope that you'll be okay in the future. Grab it really, really tight and never let it go.

 

It's difficult to convince your heart and mind not to blame yourself, but really you should deal with these moments in one of two ways:

* IGNORE these thoughts as counterproductive to your wellbeing, therefore learning strategies to put them out of your mind, see them as catastrophising, or generally cut them off as soon as possible when they surface

* Go beyond the descriptive content of these thoughts (i.e. the dissecting the relationship) and into the REASON why you feel you're to blame --- This I would recommend only doing with a psychologist

 

In the end, these thoughts are only useful as a way for you to learn to be yourself, and be happy with yourself.

 

I struggle(d?) with loving myself as well, but the breakup has given me a kick up the backside, and a reason to prove I am strong. Try to use it as a way to get to know yourself better. It's not always an easy or pleasant practice, but I believe it helps in the long run.

[Echo000]

wow. thanks i really appreciate that advice.

 

Do you (or anyone else) have any more specific advice for someone with ocd, anxiety, or issues with depression when dealing with break ups and other stuff like it?